A/N: two chapters in two days! You lucky people! Still awhile to go with this yet. Thank you to coors1977, vipersa, Insane Zula and Mel for reviewing. Enjoy-Kiera

16.

I sat in my hotel room for the longest time, just thinking. I lost track of time and by the time my instincts took over and I realised I needed to eat it was 4 am and the only place around was the vending machine in the reception. So I dragged myself off the bed, laced up my shoes and left, with my head firmly in some deep dark place. I didn't want to think too much about John and everything he said, but this was me and he was all I could think about. Part of me got a little bit angry, I couldn't change who I was, I couldn't go back in time and not go out with first boyfriend could I? So this was the way I was, I was stuck with that and if John couldn't accept it then to hell with him.

I was busy putting all the blame on John, and cursing the America sweets that had different names then the ones back home, that I didn't see him until it was too late, but that was becoming a regular occurrence.

"Still up?" he asked nervously

"No, I'm sleep walking." I bit back, restraining myself from adding, 'now fuck off'

"Glad to see the early hour hasn't done any damage to your wit."

I hit some of the buttons on the machine so hard that it shook. "Tell me John is this just idle chit chat or is there something you want to say to me?"

He faltered for a second. "About before…"

"Oh, before. When you basically told me I'm a screw up failure and you can't be bothered putting the work in to get me?"

Even I was surprised when that came out, and if I was you could imagine the look on John's face.

"That's not what…."

"Well that's what it sounded like." I cut in before grabbing my packets from the bottom of the machine. I straightened up and glared at him. "Do you have something to add to it or what?"

"You give the most mixed signals in the world!" John shouted.

"What the hell is your problem? One minute you're telling me you don't want me, then you're following down the halls!"

"My problem is you! You're my problem Kate and you know it! Now tell me what yours is!"

God, it would have been nice if I'd been able to, that way I would have been able to pin it down myself and sort it out. Of course I could always tell him all the little bits, but he already thought I was unstable, I didn't need to back up his theory did I? It was my turn to stumble over my words.

"I…it's just…"

Then I stopped and took a deep breath.

"You know what, I'm insecure, I have low self esteem and I don't trust people! I have to make everything hard for other people to protect myself!"

"From what? From me and you possibly having something together?"

"From getting hurt! It always happens!"

"So what? You're just not going to take another risk ever again so you can stay safe? That's not living!"

I felt like screaming and telling John that while it may not be living, for me getting hurt or used meant dying and I couldn't do that.

"Then I'd rather stay safe." I told him simply.

"Are you ever going to believe me when I tell you how amazing you are?" He asked.

I shrugged, people had told me things like that in the past, but I'd never believed them, so what made John any different? Perhaps it was the fact that so far he hadn't actually done anything to make me suspicious of him. Here hadn't been a little thing he'd done that had set off a little pang of dread in my stomach and that meant a lot.

"I want to try." I confessed to him. "I really do, but I'm scared."

"Don't be."

It wasn't as easy as that, I think in a way John knew I thought that, but I lied and told him it would be ok, and John believed me, which in a lot of ways was his biggest problem.

"What now?" I asked because I need verification as to what had just happened.

"I think now I should kiss you goodnight."

He moved closer, but I took a step back. "Wait, does this mean this is a relationship?"

"Yeah, I think it is."

I took awhile to get back to my room, my head was spinning but my phone was ringing and I dizzily reached for it.

"Hello."

"Hey Kate."

I grinned. "Hey hubby. What's up?"

"I thought I'd take a break from my thrilling work to phone my lovely wife and see how she was."

"I could have been asleep, it's almost five am here!"

"Yeah, but I know you. You use to sit up until seven in the morning just typing." Toby replied.

I climbed onto the bed and kicked off my shoes. "Ah, ye know me too well."

"I should hope so, I only saw you every day for how many years!"

Good point.

"So, are you missing me enough to come home yet?" Toby asked and I laughed.

"Are you having trouble paying the bills or something? Come on Toby, you don't want me to come home!"

"Of course I do! I miss you, but your Aunt Jan keeps phoning, I swear she's going to show up with a plane ticket soon."

"Hey if she does that take it. Come and keep your darling wife company from the yanks."

"Will do."

Our conversation ended there and I attempted to sleep. But for a long time something was tugging at my head, bugging me, but I didn't know what it was.