Memories
Disclaimer: Hopefully by the end of this week I'll own new contacts but until then…nothing.
Summary: Sometimes memories hurt more than anything else.
Reviews: I see a lot of new names on the review list! THANK YOU! Please keep up the awesome reviews. Readers Rock but REVIEWERS RULE!
A/N: I couldn't see Spike getting all his memories back and everything being all music and roses. So this may seem a little disturbing for some of you. Not to worry, he'll be fine…eventually. This story has taken on a life of its own and gone on far longer than I ever envisioned and it's far from over. Hope I can keep it interesting.
SpikedAngel22: My first story 'It's All My Fault' has my version of the whole 'who sired Spike' question. Be kind though. It is my first story and the writing wasn't quite what it could have been. I went back and reread it the other day. Cringe worthy, in my humble opinion.
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The younger vampire put a hand to his head. While living with Jake, he'd seen a television show where the producers had created an opening scene that had contained clips from the entire run of the show. It had been a confusing montage of images that had made the vampire dizzy. He was experiencing something similar now. He felt ill, buffeted by the seemingly endless barrage of memories. Just as suddenly, it stopped. He wavered, his knees weak. Someone came up next to him. He held out his hand to ward them off.
"No! Stay away from me!" He backed up shakily, not stopping until his back hit a wall. He slid down the smooth surface until he was sitting with his knees drawn up to his chin. He sensed a person approaching him. He scrambled away.
"Leave me alone!" He tried to shout but couldn't, his plea seeming to be nothing more than a weak appeal. Crouching in a corner like a feral panther, he snarled at the man approaching him. Confused, he gazed around the room, trying to figure out where he was and what he was doing there. He shook his head trying to clear his vision. The motion hurt. Sounds penetrated the wall of disorientation surrounding him. He tried to make sense of them. He frowned, trying to sort through the nearly one hundred and fifty years of memories that had crowded back into his mind in mere seconds. It seemed an impossible task. If he could just get some quiet. More people were talking to him, the cascade of words confusing him more than anything else. He clamped his hands over his ears.
"Too loud." He groaned. "Too loud! Shut up! Leave me alone!" His words grew in volume. This time he succeeded in raising his voice. A sudden silence soothed his ears. "Better. Can't think." He searched for a way out of the corner. He felt trapped by the presence of the others. He knew them but the task of assigning names to them almost overwhelmed him.
Angel stopped his approach. The sight of the crouching vampire was upsetting. He could hear the concerned whispers of the others. Dawn was sobbing softly, fearful that they had done more harm than good. Buffy was attempting to approach Spike from the other side. He skittered away from her. Confused hurt filled her face.
Cordelia gasped. "I know what's wrong with him." She pulled everyone away from Spike, noticing how his tension eased fractionally at the distance. When they had the length of the room between them, she gathered them all around her.
"A couple of years ago I was in a higher plane. When I got back I didn't remember anything. There was this big void in my mind. When my memories returned, it was all at once. It was kind of confusing at first. It took a little while for me to sort them out. I didn't let on because I knew everyone and it didn't last. But I only had about twenty years to remember. Spike has over a hundred."
"A hundred and forty-eight, including his twenty-five human years." Angel inserted.
"Right, a hundred and forty-eight. How confusing do you imagine that would be? To have that many years of memories just cascading into your mind all at once?" She finished.
"Oh Dear God! I didn't think of that." Giles cleaned his glasses in distress. "What do we do?"
"Just give him some time to sort through it all." The Seer suggested. "We need to figure out which one of us he'll tolerate getting close to him and let that person and only that person take care of him for a day or two. Until he feels up to dealing with the rest of us."
It was a painful process of elimination. Angel attempted to approach Spike again with the same result. The younger vampire scrambled away. Buffy's advancement resulted in an instinctive snarl. Wesley put forward the thought that he was reacting to the slayer and not Buffy herself. The blonde accepted that reason. Giles, Dawn, Jake, Susan and Wesley were met with blank stares and an obvious withdrawal. Willow had a little more success. He didn't withdraw but he didn't respond either. Cordy approached him but he picked up on her unconscious distrust of him and backed away again. Gunn and Fred were staying clear for a few days to give the group time for their reunion, so they weren't even considered. Finally the only one left was Xander. He shook his head.
"No way. I do not want to vamp-sit him again." Xander held up both his hands but his protest was weak.
"You're the last one. He's rejected everyone else. Please, at least try." Buffy pleaded.
There were three people in the world who could get Xander to do just about anything they wanted. Unfortunately for him, they were all in front of him looking up at him with big pleading eyes waiting for him to go help a vampire that he'd spent a lot of years hating. He'd never bothered to tell any of them that he'd stopped hating the bleached menace when he'd knocked Caleb away, preventing the evil preacher from gouging out both eyes.
Spike watched the group of people on the other side of the room. He'd recoiled at the thought of any of them trying to help him. Finally, after several minutes of debate the last of them slowly approached. He watched the brunette come closer, uncertain how to react to this one. He'd tried sorting through his memories to identify each of them as they'd drawn nearer but they'd made each attempt too fast for him to manage. They had spent several minutes convincing this last one, allowing him time to pull up some sort of reference memory to help him cope.
"Spike. I know it's hard. We just want to help you. Tell me what you need and I'll make sure you get it." Xander spoke softly. He kept his distance, stopping a couple of feet away from the traumatized vampire. Something the others hadn't bothered to do. They'd tried to get too close too fast and the result had been detrimental. He crouched to eye level and kept his voice low and calm.
"Are you tired? Hungry?" He asked gently. He was rewarded with a slight nod. "Right then, let's get you something to eat. Then we'll find you a bed to sleep in. How does that sound?" He maintained his soothing tone of voice while extending his hand slowly. Spike stared at it for long seconds before reaching out and taking it, allowing Xander to pull him up.
Xander spoke to Angel without turning away or changing his tone. "Angel, would you please get him some blood and tell us which room he's to be in? He's kind of tired." He led his exhausted charge over to a chair and accepted the mug that Willow extended. Spike tried to hold it but his hands were shaking. He allowed Xander to steady it while he sipped. His eyes were closing by the time he finished. Willow handed him a key. Xander glanced at the room number and nodded. It was on the second floor and at the top of the stairs. It was next to the one he'd stayed in after the battle with the First. Then the redhead handed him the key to his old room.
Xander helped Spike stand and steadied him. "Ready?" Spike nodded. Together they climbed the stairs. The only clothing Xander bothered to help him remove was the t-shirt and his boots. The vampire was sound asleep by the time Xander pulled the blanket up. He left a dim light burning and left the door ajar so they could hear him if he needed anything.
Returning downstairs, he was met with a barrage of questions. Holding his hands up, he requested that they slow down.
Willow pulled on his arm. "How did you do that?" She demanded.
Xander ducked his head. "Remember my cousin? The one who died?" Willow nodded. "He was schizophrenic. Sometimes he would miss his medication. He would act just like that. I was the only one who could get through to him. I'd thought I'd forgotten how to react to it but I guess you never really forget." He yawned. "I'm tired. I think I'll get some sleep myself."
Angel drew Xander to the side. "The rooms adjoin so you can be right there if he needs you. Thanks for taking care of him."
"Don't mention it. Really, really don't mention it." Xander insisted. "By the way, what did you slip into his blood?"
Cordy grinned. "One of my sleeping pills."
"Good job." Xander grinned back. "That will keep the nightmares at bay."
"He's still going to have nightmares?" Jake asked, speaking for the first time in a long while.
"For a few days, I'm sure. Until he gets things sorted out." Cordy declared. "Okay, everyone to the desk, room assignments are there. Keys are next to the list. I'm tired and going to bed. Angel, are you staying up?" She looped an arm around his and looked up at her vampire.
"Only for a little while. I want to make sure Spike is okay." Angel told her. "I need to check on Lindsey too." He added.
She nodded and bid everyone good night. Everyone checked their room assignments and retired, leaving Angel alone with his thoughts.
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Spike woke up slowly. He felt bewildered. He didn't recognize the room he was in. The void he'd lived with for four months had been filled. Most of his memories were back in place. He laid motionless for a while thinking about all that had happened to him. It seemed almost too much to process. The most painful memories were ones he now wished he'd never gotten back. He now knew where he was for the two months he'd been gone although it had felt like far longer than merely two months.
"How long was I gone?"
"Hundred forty-seven days yesterday. Uh… hundred forty-eight today, except today doesn't count, does it? How long was it for you… where you were?"
"…Longer."
Now he knew what she'd meant and the realization burned. He recalled telling Jake that he thought he'd been in Heaven. Now he knew that he had been. Why he'd been dragged back was beyond his comprehension. He'd sympathized with Buffy when she'd been resurrected, but the level of empathy he now felt entered an entire new realm. He ached with the loss. Pain settled in his chest causing him to curl up on his side and yearn for the gaping black hole to swallow him up again. He knew he'd never be the same again. Never be 'Spike' again. It wasn't who he was anymore. The question he'd asked Jake earlier in the week came back to haunt him. What am I? Silently, he changed it. Who am I?
He remained where he was facing the wall, immobile, silent and grieving for…he wasn't sure what but the wall of pain and confusion surrounding him isolated him and he was ready and willing to stay behind it if it meant that he wouldn't have to face his friends. Deep in his mind he knew he couldn't blame them for his present situation. They hadn't been the ones to bring him back but resentment was not always a reasonable sentiment.
An inner sense long thought buried with his cousin woke Xander from his deep sleep. He was puzzled for a moment trying to figure out which hotel he was staying in this week. Oh, right. He was in Los Angeles, at the Hyperion. Spike was back. Spike. Xander got up and padded silently over to the adjoining door that stood partially open. He peeked through the opening and closed his eyes at the sight of the figure curled up on the bed in an impossibly small space. Xander could practically see the pain and desolation that radiated from the vampire. He backed away carefully to avoid disturbing Spike. When he was ready, he'd talk. He just wasn't ready yet. Xander knew it. Just as he knew that the hardship the vampire was going through wasn't over yet. Xander just prayed that Spike was strong enough to survive it.
