Title: The Quest for the Mary-Sue
Author: Zee4
Disclaimer: I'm absolute corruption.
((NOTE)) Guess who's back, bitches. Sorry for the overlong hiatus. My computer died and I just wasn't feeling up to writing anything. Lotta school crap going on, and my French teacher caught me writing the next chapter of "Down" in the middle of class, which was going to start with a total porn-
Fangirls: YES!!
-but she took it away, read it, thought for some inexplicable reason something was wrong with me-
hide-chu: Psh-aw, how could ANYTHING be wrong with YOU? (-rolls eyes-)
-so I've been a little weary of writing anything recently.
…
ANYWAY, Z-GIRL IS BACK AND READY FOR ACTION, BIZZNACH!! Oh, the many ZANY ideas floundering through my head fill me with such obtrusive glee I can hardly contain myself!
hide-chu: What the hell does obtrusive mean?
I DON'T KNOW! I think it means conspicuous, BUT I DON'T CARE!! So, since my other humor stories have been brutally ripped away from this site, I'M A DOING SOMETHIN' NEW!! So be afraid! Be very afraid! Because Zee4 is BACK, BABY, and she's ain't no shit from nobody!
hide-chu: werd.
Yeah. You know you want it.
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In some dark, desolate, cannibalistic village located in one of those third world countries Sally Struthers is stealing food from, the villagers tied The Helpless Yet Powerfully Perfect Mary-Sue to a pole and began to dance.
They danced. Oh how they danced. They danced the way lepers would dance if their skin wasn't falling off. But even if their skin was falling off, the villagers wouldn't care because they were cannibals. And they would have eaten it.
The Helpless Yet Powerfully Perfect Mary-Sue struggled against her bonds, which is understandable, because they had tied her up with HUMAN HAIR!! You'd think that'd be easy to get out of, but it's not. Oooooh, no. Human hair is some of the strongest stuff on earth. Like the hatred The Helpless Yet Powerfully Perfect Mary-Sue felt for the dancing cannibals.
'Oh no!' thought The Helpless Yet Powerfully Perfect Mary-Sue. 'These evil communist cannibals are going to eat me! For the record, simply because cannibals have different eating, political, and religious beliefs from this Mary-Sue does not mean they are any less of a person than her. If anything, they are more. After all, these cannibals are doing what they believe is right. The Mary-Sue has taken it upon herself to forcibly teach them the ways of "developed" countries such as the USA, which, if you thin about it, isn't working very well of the late (look what happened with the election). So it's completely ludicrous of the Mary-Sue to believe that the cannibals are evil just because they're following their path. Oh. And communism is a red herring. Which one of my many SUPERMARY-SUEPOWERSOHMYGOD! should I use? Maybe my mind powers. Or perhaps my super strength. Or maybe…' The Helpless Yet Powerfully Perfect Mary-Sue contemplated which one of her powers she should use, the cannibals continued their dancing with more fervor.
Fervor, for the people out there with minute vocabularies, means "passion". And as the cannibals danced with more passion, shaking the world and scaring off the animals surrounding them, with moves that could rival most of the mainstream pop dancers, millions of miles away, in a broken down house (hole in the wall shack) on the outskirts of Bayville, Pietro Maximoff sat up on the couch (although he was watching an extremely humorous and insightful episode of Inside Actors Studio with his peers) and cried out "I NEED A HOBBY!"
/o/
Lance woke up; Inside Actors Studio had put him in a coma. "What?"
"I NEED A HOBBY!" crowed Pietro, making a heroic pose atop the coffee table, which promptly broke into a cloud of dust mites.
"Why do ya need a hobby, yo? Yer a ladies man, yo. Yer hobby is to be a playa wit da ladies…yo." said Todd. Yo.
"Well, YEAH! I know I'm a ladies man! I'm the sexiest, straightest guy alive! I eat girls for breakfast! I-"
'Am in denial.' thought Fred, the sane one.
"-am THE SEX, my friends! But I need something more! I need to make my life worthwhile!"
Wanda stormed downstairs in a fit of inexplicable rage.
"Wanda!" cried Pietro. "How extremely corking it is to see you! What do you think my new hobby should be?!"
Wanda screamed "I WILL MAKE YOU PAY!", grabbed the scissors from the kitchen, and stormed upstairs to the bathroom to cut off some more hair. It was therapy. Because Wanda didn't go to a therapist. She would make other people pay, but she herself could not.
The boys were silent for a moment.
"…how about you…I dunno, collect something." Suggested Lance, rubbing his temples. Wanda's storming, Todd's yo-ing, Fred's sanity, and Pietro in general was giving him a headache.
"But I already have a very nice complete collection of ALL THE THONGS KNOWN TO MAN!"
'All of which you strut around in.' thought Freddy, the sane one.
"Then collect something ELSE…" moaned Lance, rolling over and praying for the telephone ring and take him out of his misery.
"How 'bout you collect girls, yo. Werd up, G, yo." Said Todd. Yo.
"Girls?" Pietro queried.
"Yeah, yo. Girls, yo. Like, how the X-men collect mutants, yo. You just collect girls, yo. You could collect mutant girls, yo."
"We already have a mutant girl." said Freddy, the sane one, pointing upward to the bathroom Wanda was inhabiting.
"PAAAAAEEEEEYYYYY!!!!" Wanda screamed from above, chopping her hair with a vengeance.
"No, yo, I meant a normal one, yo."
"A normal mutant girl?" Lance rolled his eyes. "Yeah. Like that's possible. All of them are so messed up, it's a wonder how any of us get sex."
"We don't." said Freddy blandly. "We're imaginary characters on a children's television show."
"I GET SEX!" bellowed Pietro. "I GET REGULAR SEX!"
"Hey yo!" Todd hopped up. Yo. "You c'n collect Mary-Sues, yo! Yer always getting paired with 'em, might as well keep some, yo!"
"That's a great idea, Toad (Wow, never thought I'd ever say that)! I can go after those Mary-Sues the X-men are always finding or being beaten by or whatever and bring them home!" Pietro laughed gaily. And the authoress is not going to make a joke right here, because it'd just be too easy.
"So we're going to go after a Mary-Sue the X-men want?" asked Lance, knowing what was going to be asked of him.
"Yeah, we are. And it'd be just great if you could maybe, uh…" Pietro sat daintily in Lance's lap, wrapping his arms around the boy with the pun-for-a-name's neck. "It'd be great if maybe you could ask Kitty who they're going after next." Pietro asked in a husky voice.
Lance kneed Pietro off his lap. "That doesn't work on me anymore. I'll ask her, don't worry."
"You only like John now." muttered Pietro, slumping on the couch in a huff, crossing his arms and pouting. Lance sighed and got up to go call Kitty.
/o/
"Like, hi Lance!" Kitty yuppied into the phone.
"Hi Kitty." said Lance, cringing. "Um, I gotta ask you a question."
"Like, I'll totally go to one of the many like random dances school holds at like random times like like!" Kitty's lips were heavily glossed, so they kept slipping apart while she smiled on the other side of the phone line.
"Uh, not that." said Lance, deciding not to mention that he was expelled. "Are you guys going after any Mary-Sues to join your team?"
"Oh like yeah!" groaned Kitty, rolling her eyes. "Scott like told us two seconds ago. It's some girl who went to some like cannibal village to teach them how to be normal and stuff (it's hard enough being like normal, you know) and they like kidnapped her so now we gotta go like save her. Like why?"
"Pietro wants to collect Mary-Sues, so we just wanted to know any that had been found. Can you give me some info about her? Where is this village?"
"Oh yeah like sure. Okay like her name is Mary-Sue Johnson she's like sixteen and like ohmigosh she has every power like known to man."
"Every power? How'd she get captured?"
"They like used human hair to tie her up."
Lance blinked, wondering why they had never thought of that. "The savages."
"Like I know! The village is like…hey Scott where's that like village where the Mary-Sue is?"
Scott said something that was probably very anal.
"It's like some third world country Sally Struthers is always like stealing food from like. Probably like in Africa."
"Awesome. You think you guys can leave behind a helicopter or something we could steal to get there?"
"Like sure! I'll make sure they like leave one!"
"Thanks Kitty. Bye."
"Like bye Lance!"
Lance hung up the phone, then picked it up again and dialed John's cell phone number.
"Big Johnny's Trailer Park Fiesta!"
"Hey you fuckin' Pyro."
John, who'd been lying in bed burning Sabertooths spare balls of yarn, sat up with a worried expression. "Hey, Lance, you sound awful. What's wrong, babe?"
"Pietro got this stupid idea in his head that he wants to collect Mary-Sues, so we gotta fly to friggin' Africa or something to go get her before the X-men do." Lance shyly twirled the phone cord around his finger. "Wanna come with?"
John smiled. "A few days with you on a plane to Africa, a good fight, a fly back, and some alone time with my Lancy-poo? What more could I want?"
Lance couldn't help but grin. "Don't call me Lancy-poo. We're probably gonna leave tomorrow, wanna come over tonight?"
"Sure babe. I'll be there in half an hour maybe."
"Kay." Lance turned his back to the other boys watching the T.V. "And uh…wanna share my room."
John laughed and whispered sensually "Like I'd share anyone else's?"
Lance snorted and whispered "Bye. See you later."
"Bye baby." Whispered John. He made sure Lance hung up the phone then sighed contently. A fulfilled few days with his boyfriend.
At about this time, John noticed his bed was on fire, and he spring up to get some water to put it out. As much as John loved fire, he didn't want his bed to burn up.
After the last nine times, Magneto said he'd make John pay for his own if he did it again.
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So yeah! That's the first chapter! Tell me what you think okay? Oh, Happy Holidays!! My holiday came and went at the beginning of the month (Eight CRAAAAZYY Nights, baby), so to all you out there who do Christmas, Kwanza, Ramadan, or any other holidays that I don't know of, have a very nice time celebrating them! Oh, and my daddy's birthday was yesterday, so Happy Birthday, dad, even though he is never going to read this. Ever.
hide-chu: (-cough-)
(-gasp-) OH MY GOD!!! IT WAS HIDE'S BIRTHDAY ON THE 13th!!! How old would you be if you were alive, hide?
hide-chu: Forty.
And I'm sure you'd be fine at forty, hide-chu! (-huggles him-) So anyway, gimme some feedback, please? I'm back, ladies! Boom bam!
hide-chu: (-smirks-) She really missed writing humor. Review please!
