Title: The Quest!

Author: Zee

Disclaimer: I will separate every fucking part of you.

NOTE: -Alright. I'm pissed off.

hide-chu: Why?

I was feeling slightly masochistic today and looked through the evo category of stories…thing. And I was appalled.

WHAT

IS

WRONG

WITH

YOU

PEOPLE!

Seriously! Every story, every mother fucking story, is either about a Mary-Sue creature from the Black Lagoon or an unimaginative and generic hetero couple that's been done a zillion times before!

So then, looking for a little retribution, I went over to childrenwithblades account, because unlike every other writer (except the ones I like, who know who they are; i.e. I actually review your stuff or respond kindly to your reviews) she actually has these amazing things called 'INTELLIGENCE' and 'TALENT' which all the Sue-fic writers don't seem to posses one iota of. And I go there and read her new profile (which I like!) and I have to ask: HAVE YOU ASSHOLES BEEN FLAMING A GENIOUS BECAUSE SHE GIVES YOU CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISM!

Morons. Utter morons. And Mingy, I'm sorry if me writing about you embarrass you, but this whole fandom is seriously beginning to tick me off.

hide-chu: Yeah, I know man. With all the world hunger and wars going on around us, there's nothing worse than a fandom overrun with crap.

Shut up pink haired fiend, I'm pissed off.

hide-chu: Aw, come on, put on a happy face.

Yeah yeah…REVIEWS!

/o/

Holly: Lazy ass. I luffles ya anyway. I had that Gwen Stefani thing running in my head for god knows how long, I was very thankful to write it. I know how much you hate her so it's just for YOU! Yay! I honestly don't know who would be on the top with Lance and John. I'll start a poll or something. I wanna write a pseudo-lemon; just for the hell of it xD

childrenwithblades: Yay! You're apparently the only person who seems to have noticed I spelled her name wrong! You get two cookies and a gingerbread house! I shall try to make the chappies longer. Thanks for the review, dude, I misses youz.

nessie6: OMG YOUR BIRTHDAY! I DON'T KNOW WHEN IT IS OR IF IT HAS PASSED, BUT HAPPY BIRTHDAY MON CHER! A Harajuku girl, according to my Japanese friend, basically a Japanese girl who bleaches her hair and wears a lot of make-up and tight clothing and stuff. I don't understand why their style is 'wicked' but who cares? Take turns…hmm…there's an idea. I think I'll do a poll though. And to your threesome idea: No. Absolutly not. That's nasty, man. I only write straight crap for school. Not even. Heh heh, yes, Pietro is straight. OR IS HE! I'm playing with your mind. OR AM I! You watch Desperate Housewives? Um…good luck with that…

Ruby631: Yes, it's a pretty picture, isn't it. Hmm…there's an idea.

She-Wolf89: …Staring at the computer screen for so long must hurt your eyes, huh. Thanks for the review :)

/o/

Well, that was fun. Anyways, ON WITH THE RETARDIDITY! By the way, I suspect one day I will write a true parody of a Mary-Sue fic. Like, a true one which will make me hated forever. With bad sex scenes describing a dick as "love stick" and a twat as "a trembling chasm of wet love" or something like that. But that's okay. Because I'll just sit here and laugh. Like I am now.

Yeah. You know you want it.

/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/

Lance stormed down the stairs, pissed off from a mix of lack of sleep, lack of sex, and lack of hair care products because his mullet was beginning to make him look like Michael Jackson gone brunette. He slumped into an empty seat at the kitchen table and slammed his head down on the scratched wood. The table promptly broke into a cloud of dust mites and Lance had to use all his self control not to bring the house caving in on all of them.

"WHY IS EVERYTHING IN THIS HOUSE SO…BAD!" he roared.

"Because our television stereotype as 'the bad guys' forces us to have to live and squalor to keep up our 'evil' appearance." Said Fred blandly, handing Lance a plate of eggs and a fork so he could eat off his knees.

"Sooo, Lance-y, did you and John have a good night?" leered Pietro, flouncing into the room in all his homoerotic glory. He grinned. "You guys were so loud last night, I couldn't sleep. What were you doing?"

"Nothing." Lance growled, stabbing what would have been a chick but alas had to feed him instead. "Absolutely nothing. We spent the whole night fighting over who would be on top. We got into a friggin' fistfight over it and by the time we were done, neither of us got any."

"Did you fall asleep in each others aaaarrrmmms?" cooed Pietro.

Lance's lips turned upward into a small smile. "No, at night we feel asleep with our backs to each other, we were so pissed off, but I woke up all cuddled up with Johnny and he looked so adorable…" Lance sighed and leaned back in his chair, seeing John in his minds eye with his red hair all rumpled and his fist curled around what was left of Lance's shirt.

They had both rolled over at night and curled up together, their legs tangled, foreheads pressed together, breathing the same air. Just the fact that after a fight they had ended up still tangled together gave Lance the impression that this relationship was real. Unlike with Kitty, he and John really had a chemistry together that wasn't going to be destroyed simply because they were on different sides. The Acolytes and The Brotherhood were, technically, on different sides since The Brotherhood wasn't as bad as The Acolytes, that had to count for something.

"That's so romantic!" exclaimed Pietro, snapping Lance out of his thoughts. Pietro twirled around the room. "Oh, I wish the thousands of girls I've fucked would be as cute as you are with John with each other. LESBIAN ACTION!" he crowed, pumping his fist in the air.

Lance and Freddy stared. "Dude," said Lance. "you are so gay."

"Agreed." Said Fred, turning back to the stove to see if his three dozen egg, ham and cheese omelet was done yet.

"I AM NOT GAY!" screamed Pietro, and with that incredibly homo remark he stormed from the house to go…do…stuff. Yes.

Lance and Fred stared after the cloud of dust mites Pietro had stormed up with his running. "I think I'm gonna take a shower." Muttered Lance. "Thanks for breakfast. You wanna eat the rest of mine, I'm not that hungry."

"Sure." Said Fred, eyeing Lance's food hungrily. Lance stood, stretched, and walked up the stairs to the bathroom, not before checking in on John. The Aussie was still lying in bed, now wrapped around a pillow. Lance smiled softly and walked in to admire his boyfriend. He crouched down next to John and brushed his fiery hair out of his face and kissed his lips softly. John moaned in his sleep and groped blindly, grabbing Lance's wrist. He murmured something in his sleep and his eyes opened slightly. He grinned at Lance.

"Hey…"

"Good morning, sunshine." Whispered Lance, moving his arm so he could hold John's hand. "How ya feeling?"

"Like I just got in a fight over sexual positions."

Lance laughed and pulled John up so he could embrace the pyromaniac. "I'm going to take a shower." He kissed John's temple.

"Mmm…" murmured John. "That sounds nice. Have fun. I need sleep." But a plan was forming in his hand. It was such a plan. A plan to end all plans. A plan that put the CUN in CUNNING. (1)

"Okay." Lance gave John a non-too hasty kiss on the lips, tongue included, and left, grabbing a towel that had been thrown at his shelf to dry.

John grinned. He'd totally get Lance on the bottom now. Mwahaha.

/o/

Kitty hummed as she walked through the wall to the hanger. Today they were really leaving, whether Logan was there or not. The Professor had contacted him and, after stopping up his severe nosebleed, informed the X-men that Logan wouldn't be coming.

Kitty was a little disappointed because of this. She loved having Logan along so she could act like she was better than everyone else because he liked her. But that was okay. Because she had planned out her whole plan for getting Lance to like her again. It would be simple-first, she'd have to find out if he was really going out with Pyro, which she doubted he was. Lance was like totally straight! But just in case, she'd find out. And in the unlikely event he was, she'd kill John and let Lance run into her arms for comfort!

Yay!

But of course, Lance wasn't going out with Pyro, so she'd just have to go to him all innocent and with that pout she knew he loved and say that she was sorry for cheating on him with Pitor, it was a mistake, he was too tall for her and she loved Lance! Then she'd take his hand and put it on her breast and kiss him passionately and then they'd fall to the ground and have sex and be together 4ever!(Kitty breathed)!

"Like hi guys!" called Kitty, waving to her teammates. "Are we ready to go?"

"Yeah. We're going to take the X-jet and the helicopter that I don't remember the name of." Said Scott, looking over the list and making sure everyone was there.

"Like, shouldn't we leave the copter here? Just in case Mr. Logan comes back and wants to go to get the new mutant with us?" Kitty had promised to leave her Lance something to fly with and she wouldn't let him down.

"Hmm…" pondered Scott. "I guess that's a good idea. Come on, everyone, onto the X-jet!"

And everyone piled on the X-jet, ready to go get the new mutant!

Kitty sighed, staring out the window and ignoring Rogue being angsty next to her. Soon, Lance, she thought, so I shall like…get you to love me again. But until then, we'll have to be apart. I hope you'll be okay...

"Ah wunder were Logan is." Remarked Rogue.

"Hmm…" said Kitty. "I don't like know. But I bet he's doing something important!"

/o/

Gwen and her dancers had been cowering in the corner all night, huddled together and trying to ignore the two men exchanging semen. Yes. Exchanging semen. The night had been spent with the most outrageous, nasty, and violent sex acts any of the young women in the corner had ever seen.

Logan roared as he climaxed yet again and fell on top of Sabertooth, who had his orgasm seconds before. They began licking the semen off each other but fell asleep in the middle of it, much to the relief of Gwen and the Harajuku girls. (2)

"Okay…" whispered Gwen, her stomach shaking involuntarily. "I think it's safe to leave now. Let's go." She led the Japanese girls out of the hotel room they had been staying in and ran down the hall, down the stairs (not bothering to take the elevator) and out of the lobby. Finally, they were safe.

Or were they? (To be continued next chapter)

/o/

Lance sighed and felt his tense muscles relax as the water cascaded around him, steam fogging the window and the broken mirror. He was going to Africa soon; he should get clean. He considered what to use on his hair: Pietro's raspberry and lime shampoo with a very impressive bottle of conditioner included, Wanda's weird shampoo that made your head turn cold, Fred's stuff from the drug store and pull a Todd and stand under the spray, assuming all the dirt just ran out. He went for Pietro's; gay guy's have the best taste, even if they don't admit it.

He squirted a considerable amount of shampoo into his hand and massaged it into his hair, wishing it was someone else's hands. Namely John's.

Suddenly he noticed a bit of a draft in the shower. Then he realized that there was someone else's hands rubbing shampoo into his hair. There was also a strong chest rubbing against his back, not to mention something else rubbing against his ass crack.

Lance whirled around and found John grinning like the Cheshire cat. "I changed my mind." He said huskily. "Who would want to sleep when they could shower with you?" He pulled Lance against him. "I think we're going to need a colder shower." He whispered in the earth-movers ear, giving it a small lick. Lance shivered in his arms. They kissed, bodies melting against each other, each of the moaning softly. John reached down and cupped Lance's ass cheeks while Lance pushed his knee between John's legs.

John reached foreword with one hand and turned the water much colder; it would feel much better as things between them got…hotter. As in, John pounding into Lance like there was no tomorrow hotter.

Lance rubbed his head against John's getting shampoo into his hair. They began washing each other, their lips never breaking apart. John pushed them both under the spray of the water, washing the suds from their bodies. If soap didn't taste so disgusting John would have licked it off Lance, just to show how much he worshipped that body. (3)

That body, which he noticed, was beginning to form goose bumps.

Lance shivered. "Johnny…turn the heat up, babe…"

John reached over and turned the hot water until the knob wouldn't turn anymore. But no hot water would come out. "Goddamn it…" growled Lance, shivering as he hugged John tighter for warmth. It didn't help; his erection was fading rapidly. "We have no more hot water. Fuck." He reached back behind himself, turned the shower off completely, and climbed out.

"Hey!" cried John, ripping the shower curtain open, which did not break into dust mites but would have if it was wood. "Where're you going!"

"To get dressed. The shampoo's out of my hair. Come on, we're leaving today, get out of there."

"B-but-" stammered John, gaping at his boyfriend. Lance wrapped his towel around himself and threw an extra one lying in the bathroom at John.

"We need to get dressed, John."

"BUT WHAT ABOUT SEX!" John screamed, hurriedly wrapping the towel around his waist and running after Lance.

"We can do that later."

"NO, WE CAN DO IT NOW!" He grabbed Lance's wrist and pulled him against him. "Please! I'm so fucking deprived and you're so fucking hot and your NUDE right now dammit, come ON!"

"We can do it in Africa, John."

"And get some random…African…disease…thing! HELL NO! WE'RE DOING IT NOW!"

Lance jerked away from John and stormed into his room, closing his door so he could bar John from getting inside. "If you keep saying shit like that we'll never do it EVER!" he bellowed the last word and slammed the door in John's face.

John stared at the door in awe. Then he knocked softly. "Lance? Lance, baby, I'm sorry, I was wrong…come on, honey, open the door….please? Come on…Lance? La-ance?" he started getting a little angry. "Lance. Open. The door." No response. "Come on! Lance! LANCE! ARGH!" he banged his fist against the wall. "Can you at least throw out my clothes? I'm in a fucking towel out here!"

The door opened for a millisecond, just long enough for Lance to throw out John's civilian clothes and his uniform.

"THANK YOU!" John roared at the door. Then he stormed down the hall to the bathroom to change.

/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/

Footnotes:

(1) I got that from Beckna . Co . UK. I don't know if she has it up anymore, but I read it there once and for some reason I was laughing for god knows how long.

(2) A LOT has been taken out of that paragraph, partially because I was laughing too hard when I wrote it so it made no sense and partially because I don't want to be kicked off of yet.

(3) I am ashamed to have written this. It is god awful. Why must I suck at writing lemon-ish shit so? It was like…a second long. And I was giggling when I wrote it. I'm going to be fifteen in a month, I shouldn't be laughing at this stuff anymore.

/o/

Yessum. I hope that was longer. It's seven pages, that's gotta count for something. Uh…yeah. I'm tired. And I need to print some shit out for visual and I can't find any paper. So that's it.

hide-chu: Yep.

Uh…today I went to Kate's and I saw the Larku dvd, from when they went to America. I heard us screaming "I LOVE YOU HYDE" in the crowed, that was nice. Yes. Later all. Gotta finish my work. Happy St. Patty's day. I doubt I'll update before that. Oh! And by the way, if anyone has the audacity to flame me for my note at the beginning of that chapter, I'll be here, sitting on my big tired ass, laughing at your stupidity. Have a pleasant day.

hide-chu: Werd. Please review. And do you're fucking homework, ya slackers.