Alone
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Summary: Spike and Buffy have a heart to heart but will anything get resolved?
Reviews: Yes, please. Need em, want em, crave em like Spike. Readers Rock but Reviewers RULE!
A/N: Thank you, Dominica Mills, for your suggestion. I know this isn't the in-depth conversation you envisioned but it's not over yet.
Thanks again to WayWard Childe for his help and encouragement. You're awesome Dude!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Seeing the expression on Angel's face, Spike flinched and turned away again. "Go away." He mumbled. "I just want to be alone for a bit."
He stumbled to the wall and leaned against it wearily before sliding down and resting his face on his knees. He knew he wouldn't be getting any answers from Angel, there were none. He tightened his arms around his legs and huddled into a tight ball of pain-wracked confusion. The enormity of his choice crashed down onto his head and he gasped at the sense of futility it gave him. Every ounce of his being yearned for the peace of the mountain he'd called home for the past four months but his heart longed for more time with Buffy. He knew Angel was still there, immobile with shock. Silenced by the bitterness of Spike's attack.
"Will…um…Spike, I…" Angel stammered.
"What part of 'leave me alone' did you not understand?" Spike wondered without moving. "I don't want to talk any more. I don't want to do anything. Leave me alone. Please… just go." He repeated his plea forlornly, praying to whatever higher power that listened to vampires Angel would get the message and go.
It was one of the few times in Angel's very long unlife that he felt at a complete loss. He stood looking at Spike for long moments. His youngest Childe was crouched against the wall in an impossibly small bundle of anguish. Mentally reviewing his options, the most obvious of which was trying once more to get close enough to talk to him, Angel recalled with a start that Krista was still upstairs. He understood now why she'd come over from Caritas, she had known she'd be needed. He backed slowly toward the stairs seeing the tension in the lean bare torso ease fractionally as the distance between them increased. Reaching the door, Angel turned and tore up the stairs.
Spike waited until he could feel that his Sire had reached the lobby and rose from his crouch. He slipped his shirt on and picked up his coat. With his head bowed and feet dragging, he silently went up the back stairs and found his room. He paused for a moment listening to Angel talk to someone, Krista, he thought. Without the slightest bit of noise, he slipped into his temporary sanctuary and locked the door. He closed and locked the connecting door to Xander's room as well.
He shed his clothes and slid into bed. Covering up, he pulled his pillow over his head. He'd never felt so alone in his entire existence. He curled up into much the same position he'd been in when he'd woken up so many hours before and let the tears flow. Exhausted both physically and mentally, he slid into oblivion with cool tears still soaking into the bedding.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
A visibly shaken Angel reentered the lobby to gasps of shocked surprise. His face was beginning to bruise and blood still trickled slightly from the break in his nose. Cordelia rushed to his side and pressed a napkin to his face.
"What happened?" She asked, worry for her vampire coloring her voice.
"Spike had an issue with something I did earlier." Angel told her quietly.
Anger sparked in Cordy's big brown eyes. "He had no right…"
Angel placed a finger on her lips. "Yes, he did. I messed up and he called me on it. Now he needs help. I need Krista to go down to the training room and talk to him. He's so…broken." The last word was whispered.
"I thought everything was all good now. He's back. He has all his memories. They've given him super-enhanced vampire powers and that whole Daywalker thing. What more could he want?" Cordelia was puzzled over Spike's seeming inability to appreciate his good fortune.
"Peace." Angel murmured. Pain darkened his eyes. "He wants to go back to Heaven."
Buffy heard him and tears gathered in her green eyes. She knew how Spike felt. All she'd wanted to do after her resurrection was go back to the peace, warmth and love she'd felt in Heaven. Dawn slipped her arm around her sister's shoulders. Silence filled the lobby as more of them became aware of Spike's dilemma.
Angel looked over the crowd of people in his lobby, seeking the pixie who'd done so much to help everyone six months before. She had been talking to Susan and Jake but her attention had been caught by Angel's battered appearance.
"Jake, do you want to go with me?" Krista asked the artist. He nodded and followed her over to Angel.
"He needs to talk to someone. I…don't know what to do." Angel admitted. Krista knew the way to the training room, having spent many hours down there talking to Buffy, Faith and Angel as they took out their sadness and pain on the punching bag Spike had been pounding. She and Jake were concerned to discover that the younger vampire was no longer in the basement. They returned to the lobby.
"He's not downstairs." Jake told everyone. "Angel, is there a way you can tell where he is?"
Angel nodded and closed his eyes. He extended his senses to seek out the troubled younger vampire. "He's in his room." He sighed with some relief. At least he was still in the hotel.
Krista nodded. "Let's let him sleep and try to help him tomorrow."
Gunn took Fred by the elbow. "Come on, Sweetie, let's go to my place." He murmured.
The slender brunette nodded. "I think that's a good idea. We need to go back to the grocery store tomorrow though." An exaggerated groan met her statement.
Faith pulled Xander to the side. "Let's go over to Caritas. I need a drink." She suggested.
"So do I." Xander agreed.
"Hey, guys. We're going to Lorne's. Anybody want to come with?" The brunette slayer raised her voice and addressed the others.
Wesley glanced over at Susan. "Would you like to go? It's been a very stressful day."
She looked at the shy former Watcher. "That would be nice." She told him quietly.
Jake moved over to his cousin. "I want to stay here in case Will needs me." She placed a hand on his thin face as she nodded.
"He's going to be fine." She assured him.
His gaze dropped to his shoes. "I don't know."
Xander walked over and slung an arm around each Summers girl. "You two going to be okay?" He asked softly. "Buff, why don't you take my room for tonight? You have better insight into what he's going through than anyone else."
She threw her arms around his neck in gratitude as she nodded. "Thanks, Xan." She whispered into his shirt.
In the end, Jake, Dawn, Krista and Buffy opted to stay at the hotel with Cordy, Angel and Spike. Fred and Gunn went to his place. Wesley, Giles, Willow, Faith, Xander and Susan went to the club. Lindsey, uncertain of his welcome, decided he would be safer staying in his room.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Buffy wasted no time going to bed. She was exhausted from the stresses of the past few days. She could only hope that Spike would revert to the snarky, smirking, pain in the ass personality that she'd fallen in love with. She loved everything about him. Although she missed the bleached blond hair, she liked the way he looked with the controlled riot of platinum tipped curls he was sporting now.
Although tired, sleep was not forthcoming as she kept replaying Angel's statement in her mind. 'He wants to go back to Heaven.' Oh, how she knew that feeling. She rolled over and looked at the connecting door. It was locked. She'd tried it when she got to the room but was disappointed with it remained stubbornly closed.
A thump from Spike's room had her sitting up in her bed, alarmed. She waited, listening closely in case he just bumped the wall while rolling over. She knew that although he was in essence an animated corpse, he by no means slept like one. He breathed, dreamed and rolled over and back like anyone else. Thump. There it was again. This time accompanied by a low moan. Buffy silently slipped from bed and padded over to the connecting door. She pressed her ear to the panel trying to hear what was happening. She could hear him talking quietly to himself. She couldn't tell if he was awake or asleep.
"Spike?" She called softly, knowing that his vampiric hearing would pick up her low voice. Silence. Then thump. She tried the doorknob again, frustrated when it was still locked. She listened again and heard Spike talking, agitation in his deep voice. With a silent apology to Angel, she twisted the knob until the latch broke and the door opened.
"Spike?" She called again as she eased the door wider. The sight of her vampire nearly broke her heart. He was sleeping but restlessly. His arm flailed out again and hit the wall. There was the source of the alarming thumps she'd heard. She approached cautiously.
"Spike, wake up. Come on, Baby, wake up. It's me, Buffy." She talked as she neared the bed. The sound of her voice seemed to soothe him somewhat.
"Buffy." Spike's eyes remained closed as he spoke. "Buffy, I'm sorry."
The petite slayer eased onto the side of the bed. "Spike, I'm here. You don't have to be sorry for anything. I love you." She murmured.
With a gasp Spike sat up, his sapphire eyes wide and startled. "Buffy."
She grasped his hand. "Yes, Spike. I'm here. Talk to me."
"I failed you. I'm sorry." He babbled.
Buffy pressed a finger to his soft lips. "You have never failed me. I failed myself on more than one occasion. But you have always come through for me. You're my hero." She smiled as he involuntarily kissed her finger.
Spike pulled his knees up defensively, bunching the covers up around his waist. "I locked the doors." He declared softly.
She smiled gently. "I broke the lock. I thought you needed help. No one messes with my vampire."
"I am?" Spike rested his head on his knees and turned it to look at her.
"You am what? My vampire or my hero?" Buffy teased. Her green eyes gazed at him lovingly.
"Either." Spike smiled slightly at her.
"You're both, Baby. I love you." She gently assured him.
He closed his eyes for a moment. "I love you, too. That's why it's so hard."
"What's hard?" She asked.
"I remember how you felt when Willow brought you back. How much you missed being in Heaven. Now I know exactly how you felt. I tried to help you. I tried so hard. Buffy, do you know how much I ached seeing you hurting like that?" Spike purposely avoided answering the question.
"I know. I'm sorry. I was a selfish bitch to you. I hurt you so much, over and over. But you did help, more than you know. I fell in love with you. I didn't tell you, couldn't tell you. I was afraid. I thought you'd leave like all the rest." A tear streaked down her cheek.
A long finger reached out and caught the tear before it could drip. "I would have never left you. Not willingly." He stroked her face with his hand. "But…"
"But…what?" Buffy leaned her cheek into his palm.
"But I miss Heaven." A tear matching hers slid down his lean cheekbone.
"I know you do." She whispered. "I still do sometimes. But I won't lie and say I'm not happy you're back. I stopped living when you died."
"I died so you could live. I wanted you to have that normal life you deserve." His husky voice hitched as he spoke.
She laughed a little as his hand slid away. "I'll never have a normal life. I'm the slayer. Granted now I'm one of many but I'm still the one. Giles is paying me as his senior slayer. That means I get to train the newbies. Now I have you back. I can consider my life complete. I love you so much. I never want to be without you again."
An unneeded breath caught in Spike's throat at the sincerity of her gaze. "It was very peaceful on the mountain."
Buffy tilted her head curiously, her golden hair falling over her shoulder. His blue gaze followed the fall of the silken tresses he loved so much. "What are you saying?" She asked.
He shook his head and raised his hand again and slid it down the length of her gorgeous blonde hair. "You are so beautiful." He breathed.
Buffy suddenly realized that his chest was bare. Her green gaze became riveted on his muscular frame. Her throat constricted and her breathing became non-existent.
"All those months, the only thing I remembered from the nightmares was your voice. I couldn't remember who you were but I knew you were important. I couldn't remember…you. Jake was there and he treated me like family but in my dreams I was so…alone. Abandoned." Spike's voice broke as he tried to convey the extent of his desolation.
Buffy leaned over and placed a soft kiss on his lips. He caught an unneeded breath at the feather light touch. She took advantage of the slight opening and deepened the kiss. She slid her hand around the back of his neck and threaded her fingers through the silky curls she found there. She released his mouth and leaned back slightly. "I will never abandon you again. I'm so sorry." She whispered her vow.
"I love you so much." He declared as he slipped his arms around her back and, straightening his legs, pulled her into his lap.
