Chapter 5; When The Helpless Cry

"WHY DIDN'T YOU LET ME DIE!" The sound of Ken's angry shouts echoed round the small room, and Davis got up quickly, backing away as the Ken kept repeating the terrible words.

"Ken...you don't mean that…you can't…" His heart broke as he saw the way Ken was looking at him, and he felt tears begin to well up.

"Get out."

"Ken..."

"Get out!"

Not looking back, Davis fled the hospital room. He wasn't exactly sure where he was going to go in a hospital this small, but he didn't really care. He just didn't want to be around Ken right now.


About half an hour later, Davis poked his head round the door to Ken's room again. Ken lay facing away from him, mercifully silent. Quietly, Davis slid through the doorway, trying not to wake the sleeping boy.

The only thing was, he wasn't asleep.

Davis realised his mistake as Ken shifted in the bed, but it was too late to back out now. Swallowing his nerves, he sat back down in the chair, waiting for the angry screaming to start. It didn't.

"Why?" Ken whispered, and Davis looked at him. Saw how his eyes stared blankly at the wall, seemingly passing right through Davis. He didn't seem to be angry anymore. But in some ways, this quiet giving up was almost worse.

"Why couldn't you have just left me there to die?" Ken asked softly. Davis hesitantly put a hand on the boy's arm, and when there was no protest, squeezed it gently.

"Because you have people who care about you, Ken. And as long as they do, you shouldn't have to feel this way." Davis knew how corny the words sounded, but decided he could put up with corny if it helped Ken out.

"Oh, good. I feel so much better now." Davis winced at the lack of emotion in Ken's voice, and could almost see the way Ken was descending back into depressed silence.

"You asked me why, Ken. So now I'll ask you." Ken's head turned slightly at this new statement, but as the boy made no effort to unburden himself, Davis continued.

"Why did you try to kill yourself?" To his slight satisfaction, Ken looked away. >He must have had some doubts if he can feel ashamed about it.>

"Nothing could have been so bad that you had to…"

"What? Slit my wrists? Commit suicide? Die? Get real, Davis. There's nothing left of me to die!" Confused, Davis stared at Ken, not sure he'd heard the last bit right.

"What?"

"I don't know who I am anymore, ok? Satisfied?" Ken buried his head in his arms, unable to bear the look of hurt confusion Davis was giving him.

"I'm not the Digimon Emperor anymore, but I'm not Ken Ichijoji either! He died when I became the Emperor! I'm just this thing that's halfway in between, and I can't do anything about it!" Ken struggled to hold back tears, and found to his amusement that it was working.

>Amused because I'm numb and can't cry? Oh Hell, I really am going insane!>

"I'm like a walking ying-yang! I'm not evil, but I'm not entirely good either! I don't fit in anywhere! And everyday it seemed like another piece of me was fading away into nothing, so I thought what the heck! Why not finish the job!" Ken was yelling again now, but not at Davis. Davis had a funny feeling that the other boy was yelling at his own personal demons.

>Somehow, I knew. I knew that Ken was losing himself. I even thought about the possibility of Ken being depressed, but didn't think to act until it was too late! I never had any idea that he'd been going through so much!>

"How…how long, Ken?" he asked gently.

"Nearly half a year now! But what do you care? I tried to tell you before, but you didn't notice! Nobody noticed! It was like I was invisible!" Ken buried his face again and gave into his tears, but Davis could only sit there, frozen.

>He tried to tell us? Oh, man! No wonder he couldn't take it anymore!> Forcing himself to do something, the redhead put his arms round Ken, wondering whether this simple action would do anything for the damaged boy.

It did. Ken's hysterical sobbing died down slightly, and the boy leaned into Davis, letting him embrace him. Davis made soothing noises in the back of his throat, remembering other times like this, far in the past. When Ken had first turned good, and needed someone to talk to…enter Davis! Good looking, smart, and a great listener. Oh, and modest too.

Eventually, Ken's cries faded away, and Davis looked down. Ken had fallen asleep, worn out. Carefully, Davis laid the other boy down on the bed, brushing some stray locks of indigo hair to the side.

He sat there for a while, unsure what to do. He wasn't tired anymore, that was for certain. But he couldn't exactly put on the overhead TV either – it might wake Ken up. As Davis has a feeling Ken hadn't slept in quite a while, this last option was definitely out.

With nothing else to do, Davis began to unpack the bag of Ken's things. The one that the others had brought. He was glad that they hadn't been here to see Ken waking up. That they'd missed his disappointment when he realised that he'd been saved.

Soon there was nothing else to put away, except a well-worn black notebook. Curious despite himself, Ken flipped it open, fully expecting to see pages of complicated sums. But he was surprised.

It was a diary. More specifically, Ken's diary. Even the first page told a story. The title, carefully printed, had simply read 'Diary Of Ken Ichijoji'. That had been savagely crossed out, and replaced with an untidy scrawl, reading, 'Diary Of Some Worthless Loser'.

>Huh. This gives no indication of depression.> Davis thought sarcastically. What could he say? He wanted to know more about the strange frightened boy who had never been able to discuss his feelings.

Unable to stop himself, Davis turned the page and began to read on.


20th July

Another normal day. Davis made an idiot of himself again, but what's new? Yolei tried to practice kendo with Cody, but I'm pretty sure that she regrets it now. Never duel Cody – he has a nasty habit of beating you!

Davis smiled briefly, and flicked through the pages. A lot of the entries were like this one, light hearted and full of friendly jibes. But around September, they became darker. Much darker.

5th September

Had the nightmare again last night. The one where I was still the Emperor, and had actually conquered Digiworld. Woke up shaking, but I didn't have the heart to wake Wormmon. Nothing much else happened today – although I couldn't get the nightmare out of my mind.

7th September

Started feeling low. It's probably because of the bad weather we've been having lately. But just when I was drifting into my own little world, Davis came and rescued me from it. He always knows when I'm not feeling that great.

10th September

Couldn't stop myself today. I fell asleep in chemistry. But what do you expect when I haven't slept for the last few nights? I know it all anyway. Man…that sounded so boastful. Like before…never mind. Teacher gave me detention, but I didn't care. Still don't, actually.

20th September

Talked to Wormmon today about how I've been feeling. He came out with exactly the kind of senseless nonsense I'd expected. It's not his fault. How can I expect him to fully understand what I've been through? Perhaps I need to talk to somebody human.

25th September

My attempts at talking to the others failed. Yolei was busy with some sort of computer programme. TK and Kari were off somewhere together – I think they had to do a school project. Decided to try Cody, but he was panicking over a test he's got tomorrow, so I helped him study instead.

Toyed with the idea of asking some of the Older Digidestined for advice, but decided against it. I've never been that close to them, and I'm pretty sure Tai wouldn't be that happy counselling the guy who tried to control Agumon. Even he has his limits.

Davis frowned at the entry, feeling slightly hurt. What about him? Why hadn't Ken thought about talking to his best friend?

6th October

Davis is such a knucklehead. I've been dropping hints that I want to talk for days now, but he's not picking up on them. No, he's not to blame. I'm too subtle for my own good. I'll just come out and say it tomorrow.

13th October

I give up. Stupid Davis! I kept putting it off, as he had big football matches, and problems at school. Then finally, it seemed a good time to talk. So I tried to tell him how bad I've started to feel. But he just brushed it off, telling me that I don't have anything to worry about. I'm not even sure that he was listening!

Well, enough is enough! If no-one wants to know, I just won't tell anybody! It's probably for the best. Who'd be able to understand? They're all so good…and I'm not.

Closing his eyes, Davis leaned back into the chair, feeling slightly sick. He remembered that day, when Ken had tried to tell him. And he had ignored him. >Think about it – if I'd just listened that day, none of this would have happened.>

Davis put the diary away, and sat watching his sleeping friend. Wondering how he was ever going to be able to make it up to him. And then the answer came to him.

>I can't.>


Ken woke up with a start, only just managing to hold back a cry. The nightmares that he'd wanted to escape were back. >This is why I stopped going to sleep in the first place.>

Glancing to the side, he saw Davis asleep in the chair, his mouth hanging open slightly. >He stayed with me…I thought he'd have gone home by now.>

Feeling the usual tears beginning to course down his cheeks, Ken bit his lip. He didn't want to wake Davis. But although he managed to stay quiet, Ken couldn't stop the tears from coming.

Somewhere deep inside, he knew that you weren't meant to cry this much; you weren't meant to feel this miserable. >You're not meant to slit your own wrists either, Ichijoji, but you did.>

Examining his bandages again, Ken couldn't stop himself from wishing that it had worked. Trust Davis to turn up just in time. Without the Digidestined of Courage, he'd have been free by now.

But still…Ken was kind of glad that he'd had a chance to make it up with Davis. That he hadn't died with Davis still furious with him.

It would just be one less thing left unfinished when he tried again.