Conflicted

Disclaimer: Don't own em, wish I did.

Summary: Things are not going as well as hoped.

Reviews: Yes, please. Love reviews. Adore reviewers. Readers Rock but Reviewers RULE!

A/N: Kudos to my favorite partner, WayWard Childe, for his help in deciphering just why Spike was so interested in his hand.

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It was a subdued group that returned to the Hyperion. Spike went directly to his room and slammed the door. Angel, Faith and Wesley were left with the task of cleaning and putting the weapons away. They made their way to the kitchen hoping that there'd been some dinner saved for them. Cordy warmed a mug of blood for Angel while Willow dished out plates for Faith and Wesley. Buffy watched the doorway and was disappointed when Spike didn't appear behind the others.

"Angel, where's Spike?" She finally asked.

"He went to his room." Angel told her quietly.

"Why? What happened?" Buffy felt a sliver of fear shoot down her spine.

"Some of the vamps were sired by Drusilla." Wesley answered her.

Stunned silence filled the room. Jake, Susan, Krista and Dawn came in before the shock wore off. Dawn glanced around and noticed the absence of the British vampire.

"Where's Spike? Angel, is he okay?" She started to panic when no one answered her right away. "Oh, God." She buried her face in Jake's shoulder. He slipped his arms around her and demanded answers with stormy gray eyes.

"Oh, no, Dawnie." Willow rushed to assure the teenager. "He's fine. He just went to his room."

"Then what's wrong?" Susan looked at each one in turn, clearly expecting an answer.

Faith got a cold drink out of the refrigerator. "Some of the vamps we dusted were sired by Spike's ex."

"Drusilla's back?" A shudder went through Dawn's slender frame. Jake tightened his arms fractionally when he felt her tremble.

"Maybe. I don't know. They weren't fledges. Most of them were at least five years old. I don't think she's in the area. It was just a shock to Spike's system to find out she'd been out siring while they were still together. Or else she went on a spree as soon as they broke up. It would be about the right time." Angel answered quietly.

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Upstairs, Spike stripped off his duster and threw himself onto his bed. He folded his arms behind his head and crossed his ankles. The surprises just kept piling up, he mused. He chuckled derisively. The old poof was sure he was up here sulking over Drusilla's infidelity. He hadn't been overly concerned with her faithfulness while they'd been together. He'd gotten used to not being first in her affections very quickly, almost immediately in fact. She'd made it clear that her 'Daddy' would always be her first love and anything left was Spike's if he wanted it. She hadn't cared enough when it was all said and done. His body was still humming from the all-too-short fight with the other vampires. He bounced up and paced the small confines of the room. A knock on his door paused his pacing.

"Come in." He called.

Krista stuck her head in before fully entering the room. "How are you?" She asked.

"Bloody wonderful." He said unconvincingly.

"I'm mad at you." She stated.

"I don't blame you. I kinda blew your whole day, yeah?" Spike sat down on the edge of the bed and indicated the chair Xander had used. She nodded and sat down.

"Why?" She asked.

Spike studied the floor. "You know how sometimes it feels like something can't possibly be real and then something happens to jar you, slamming you back into the world?"

Krista tilted her head. "I think so."

"It was kinda like that. When I cut my hand it was like a wake-up. The pain shocked me back to this life, back to this reality. I'd almost convinced myself it was all a dream that I'd wake up from but it wasn't the wake up I expected. Then I was afraid to acknowledge that I was really here and really had to make a choice. A choice I didn't want to make. I thought the choice would break me." He explained.

The pixie nodded sympathetically. "I think I understand. Have you been able to choose?"

Spike bent his head, looking at her through thick dark lashes. "How do you choose between the peace you've earned and deserve and the love of your life? The cost of the peace is your sense of self, your memories. The love comes with fighting and struggling to survive against evil. How do you decide which you want more? The peace or the love? Especially since all I've ever wanted was love."

"I don't think I'd be able to." Krista admitted truthfully. "What about Drusilla? I was downstairs and heard that she sired some of the vamps you fought."

"What about her? Do I want her back?" He asked. He shook his head vehemently. "Worlds of no. I don't need her. I loved her for over a century but it was always about Angel. I was nothing but a substitute."

Spike laughed bitterly. "Sometimes I think the only reason I ever existed was to be a substitute for Angel. Can't have the real thing? Get Spike, he'll fill in. He won't mind. Use and abuse him, he'll love it." He buried his face in his hands. "God that sounded pathetic." He mumbled.

He got up to begin pacing again. "The fight. Now that was fun. I'd forgotten how much a good bit of violence can perk a bloke up. Then the punch line took all the fun out of it. Peaches thinks I'm up here brooding over Dru. Yeah, it was a surprise, not a pleasant one either but I don't care. I stopped caring ages ago. I think that's part of my problem, I can't care. If I do care again, I'll lose myself...again."

The confused Daywalker sat back down on the edge of the bed, dejection in every line of his lean frame. "I've always cared. Sometimes it feels like I didn't completely come back. Like I left the part of me that cares in Heaven and I won't be able to care again until I go back. I don't want to be like that. It's how Buffy felt when they brought her back. I was the lucky one who got to help her feel again." The emphasis he put on the work 'lucky' indicated he'd felt anything but.

Krista watched carefully as he paced, sat, rambled and ranted. This was what she'd waited for all day, some show of emotion. An indication that there was a spark of the old Spike in the thin body. She kept her lavender gaze trained on him as he ran the gamut of indecision.

"Spike. Look at me." She requested quietly.

He ran slender fingers through his curly hair before he swiveled around to look at her. "Yeah?"

"It's normal to feel this way. If you didn't care it wouldn't be so hard." She said. "Why don't we go downstairs? You must be hungry."

Spike thought about that for a minute. "I guess I could eat. Nothing like dusting half a dozen vamps to work up an appetite." He held the door open and waited for her to precede him.

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Susan smiled at the awe in Wesley's voice as he described Spike's leaping somersault as he decapitated the vampire. She watched as he motioned with his hands how Spike swung the sword as he landed. Wesley's hair was mussed and just long enough for a fringe of dark silk to fall over his forehead. His crystal blue eyes sparkled as he recited his story.

"I've never seen a vampire with his abilities before. Imagine it, he's invulnerable to sunlight. He's faster, stronger than any other vampire known. I would love to be able to study him and see the extent of his new status. What an asset he would be. How can we convince him to stay?" Wesley's enthusiasm had him saying more than he should have.

Unseen, Krista and Spike stood in the doorway. The pixie glanced up and her tender heart broke at the grief in the sapphire eyes.

Angel drummed his fingertips on the tabletop. "What if he doesn't want to stay?" He asked. To Spike's ears it sounded as if his sire was saying he didn't want Spike to be around.

"I'll able to talk him into it." Buffy announced. Her confidence grated on Spike's raw nerves.

"Patrolling will be tons easier with him around that's for sure." Faith commented.

"So who's going to talk to him? There's got to be some argument we can use to convince him stay." Willow's seeming defection had Spike biting his lip. He backed up a step.

"He should be allowed to make up his own mind. He may have his reasons for going back to Jake's mountain and abandoning his responsibilities here." Giles spoke from where he leaned against the counter a few feet away from the door.

Dawn looked at her family. "Why should it be an argument? I should think he'd stay because he loves us. I don't see why it's such a big issue for him."

Spike closed his dark eyes at her words. His head dipped and he backed up still another step. He leaned on a nearby wall. "They only want me around for what I can do, not because they want me." He whispered. He pushed away from the wall and stalked off, gaining speed as the distance increased. In seconds, he disappeared through the front door and into the night. Krista watched him go silently, not knowing what to say. In just a few sentences all the progress he'd made was destroyed.

"Listen to you guys." Jake was getting more annoyed by the moment. "It sounds like you just want him to be here to study, to fight. Don't you want him to stay because you love him and can't live without him? If he could hear the way you're talking…"

"He already did." Krista said quietly from the door. "You people were given the greatest gift ever. Someone you loved was brought back into your lives and you talk about him like a possession or a pet you want to keep around for the tricks he can perform."

"Nice, guys. Way to make the vamp feel wanted." Xander's gift for sarcasm was as strong as ever. He'd listened to his friends with growing anger but Jake had spoken up before he'd gotten the chance.

"That's not what we meant." Buffy protested.

"But that's the way he heard it!" Krista yelled.

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At Caritas, Spike blew through the doors and marched resolutely up to the bar. Lorne caught a look at the vampire's eyes and took over for the bartender.

"Hey, didn't think I'd see you again so soon. What brings you around, Precious?" The green demon asked.

"A beer. On Angel's tab. And keep em coming." Spike's tone of voice was leaden, devoid of emotion.

Lorne wasted no time providing Spike with a bottle of imported beer. "Are you okay?" He asked.

"Just fine, Mate. Couldn't be better." The expression on his face warred with the easy words. He had wiped all traces of emotion from his features and presented an impassive mask to anyone watching. His normally expressive blue eyes were dead looking and dull.

"Want to talk about it?" Lorne questioned gently.

"Nothing to talk about." The statement was flat and closed, making it clear that discussion was out of the question. He concentrated on his beer trying to drive out the echoes of his friends as they discussed how to manipulate him into staying. They just wanted his new skills. He finished the first one quickly and motioned for a new one. He was halfway through the second one when he made a decision. If they wanted the old Spike then that's what he'd give them.

Lorne had stuck close to Spike in the hopes that the young vampire would want to talk, so he was thrilled when he was motioned over. After Spike told him what he wanted, the Pylean was more concerned than ever but was willing to help.

Ushering his guest into his private quarters, Lorne made a quick phone call. He knew just the person to help. A couple of hours later, Spike was nodding his approval as he gazed at the digital photo. He was back and he was staying. But he didn't have to be happy about it. He would do what they wanted. He would fight, let the watchers study him, jump through the hoops they asked him to but he would be damned before they made him care again.

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It had taken quite a bit of effort but in the end it had taken the combined efforts of Jake, Xander, Susan and Krista to keep the others from launching a search party for Spike. Krista felt, rightly so, that the best thing for the moment would be for them to just leave Spike alone. She knew he'd come back; he cared too much not to. So it was an extremely tense few hours before he returned.

Angel sensed Spike's presence before he got to the door so the elder vampire was already on his feet and watching when his Childe strolled into the lobby. Gasps of stunned surprise echoed in the spacious area. Gone were the platinum tipped curls. In their place was the familiar cap of bleached blond locks carefully combed back, taming the errant waves. He looked as he had for so many years, hardened and vicious. The expression in his sapphire gaze was defiant and a cigarette dangled from his mouth. He took an insolent drag on the thin white cylinder and blew the smoke up to the ceiling.

"Well, well. A welcoming committee. I'm touched." Sarcasm dripped from each word. "Here's my decision. I'm staying. I'll fight. I'll show you every bleeding thing I can do but don't ask me for anything else. If there's no nasties out there to slaughter, I'm to be left alone. Are we clear?"

He studied each shocked face in turn then nodded in satisfaction. He sauntered into the kitchen and helped himself to a mug of blood, carrying it back out to the staircase.

"Oh, and Cheerleader? I'll be needing a new room. One with a bit more privacy, if you will. There's a love." He nodded as Cordelia numbly handed over a new key.

He was aware of every pair of eyes watching him climb the staircase up to his new room. It took every ounce of his tremendous will to take it slow and not break into a run. The second he entered his room and closed the door he leaned against it. He closed his eyes and dropped his head. Careful not to spill his mug, he slid slowly down the door until he was sitting. He rested his forehead on his knees. He'd done it. He'd made them believe he was back, just as he was before the chip, before the love, before the soul. The Big Bad was back…and he wanted to weep.

In the lobby shock prevailed. Buffy summed it up. "Oh my God. What have we done?"