Title: Empty Places
Author: WildCherry45
Notes: Haley's thoughts during SICNH
Disclaimer: I own nothing, as usual. Mark & Co. own all. Bright Eyes own the lyrics below. The phrase 'withered husks of some dead memory' is by Oscar Wilde. I would never be able to write something of that beauty.
"You are new with a promise of a love you will probably never find. And touch that you can really feel the brokenness inside as hope and less collide. Now, nothing is real."
She had been reciting the words in her head for the millionth time over when she first saw him. He was still the same. Same beautiful face, same strong body and same rich voice that soothed her nerves. The reflection of them together in the mirror, a few feet apart and still, it looked so right, so perfect. A few seconds later, she was in his arms again and all she could do was close her eyes, fall back into him and just settle there for a few passing moments before pulling away and delivered the words that she knew would break his heart.
She almost didn't want to look at him when she said them. But, she had to and she did. She forced her head up and kept her voice steady- it was more believable that way- saying what she needed to say. We rushed things. We moved too fast. I wasn't ready. It was the typical way out. The pathetic way to say 'I made a mistake and now I want things to go back to the way they were'.
They never would though. She knew that as well as he did. He was so sweet, so thoughtful and so fitting for the role of the knight in shining armor. She wanted so desperately to believe him when he said that he still loved her and that he would wait for her and that things would be okay again. She wanted so badly to know that things would be fixed that easily. All their problems could fade away into the background and she could pursue her music career and have Nathan's love. But, they wouldn't be the same.
Even if they tried, even if she did say yes, stay- things would've been different. She left and for a period of time, he held her in contempt in his heart and he despised her. No matter how hard they tried, they would never be able to go back to that place where things were perfect. The place where all she had to worry about was Nathan and loving him. The place where selfish plots didn't interfere with love or life.
She did want to go back there but she couldn't, time and her reckless actions didn't allow her to. She had made her choice and she had to accept the consequences. As she stood there, her head leaning against his chest, she could hear his heart beat, so fast and so strong. He would still be strong for her, even after this.
He would be strong for her until the day he died because that was just the way he was. That was Nathan and that was why she loved him so passionately and desperately. She loved him for his strength and she loved him for his naivety. She loved that he still thought of her as his wife, even though she left him. She loved that he still believed they could still be together and still be happy even though she knew well enough that they couldn't. She loved the innocence that he still held, a boyish charm. She loved the glimmer in his eye as he waited for her answer, the anticipation rolling off him in waves.
She loved him more than ever in that moment where the noise of the crowd in the background slowly died off to a mere whisper and she said the words that she truly didn't believe. She didn't regret their marriage and she would never regret for one second that they decided to seal their love officially.
Nathan would never know that though. He wouldn't understand her reasoning and he would never be able to understand all the pain and love that she felt at that moment. He would never know why she said the words she did. He would never understand that she did it for him, to save him from further pain.
Because, she knew herself and him well enough to know that things wouldn't be right again in the way that he wanted to. She knew that even though he made the grand gesture of driving god knows how many miles to visit her on tour, things couldn't go back to the way they were.
The past was in the past; it was better to leave him resting in the withered husks of a dead memory. So, she said the words and hugged him one last time, reassuring him that she loved him because goodness knows that she did. She turned around, trying her best to hold back the tears.
One step. Two steps. Almost to the stage, just make it on there and smile brightly and fakely for the unknowing crowd present. She opened her mouth and sang the words, returning back to the easy going, Haley James that was supposedly on the road to stardom.
She didn't look back at him offstage. If she did, she would break down and she wouldn't do that just yet.
The melodic lyrics slipped from her lips, drawing the crowd into a mesmerized trance but all she could taste was the bitterness of the lies that she had spun into his mind.