During Rebel Dream!
"We'll make a rebel out of him yet."
The lighthearted statement lay heavy on his heart.
Tycho had gone to record a holo to Winter.
The harsh reality of the situation weighed him down so much that he slid down the wall. His thoughts so anguished that his head was being held up by hands which trembled uncontrollably.
Jag nearly died! He thought. Great force I nearly had me own nephew killed.
Wedge knew that distancing himself from those under his immediate command was an exercise in futility. He had tried before; he had failed before.
Distance, his head screamed, you barely know the man as it is. You love him! A quieter voice in his head said.
Do I? He asked of himself. How much do I love him to send him to his death? How much do I love my family?
Listening to the darker voices in his head he felt tears burn in his eye sockets. Tears which he knew would not fall; could not fall. Those tears would decrease his peoples' morale.
This victory was bittersweet. We didn't lose that much but it was still a blow to us all.
Once again a quieter voice in his head, the practical voice told him that he had done the right thing in honoring his nephew's wishes to serve the galaxy as a pilot.
He knew the risks, it continued. You cared enough to believe in his sacrifice for the greater good; in his friendship with Jaina.
Jaina! The louder voice echoed; you failed her too. Let her get to the point where she had sunk that low.
"No!" He cried aloud letting a single tear fall.
This is not your fault, the quiet voice broke in, and Jag is helping her heal now. She will keep him grounded in reality too.
"Why do I feel this bad?"
I'm old. He thought harshly. Wes was right all I have to answer for is coming to me.
He allowed a few more tears to fall. Then he couldn't stop. With the tears he tried to wash away the pain, the self loathing, the black hole responsibility and loss had created within him.
His COM link beeped. It was Iella telling him that she would be there in 5 minutes.
The door slid open to reveal his wife and children, his nephew and Jaina.
He pasted a smile on his face, evidence of his tears long gone. The quiet voice in his head spoke up telling him, this is what you're fighting for.
And then he knew. Knew that as a leader he had to help everyone he could. Could not afford to let himself feel the pain. Wallow in the guilt. Even drown in self pity.
Jaina gave him an odd look. Almost empathetically she hugged him, his daughters giggled at this affectionate display.
"Let's go." He told his family. "I'll but you all an ice cream."
And no one would see how he was torn. If so, they wouldn't say anything out of respect for him. Once again he would face it all alone.
ALONE
Great leaders surrounded by people, loved ones and strangers yet always alone.