KISSING SHARK GIRL
By Mystique Angelique,
who is pleasantly drunk
at the current time.

Lolly read her reviews with a blank face.

'PAUL!' she yodeled, 'What's this about you licking Emily's feet!'

Paul, being a fictional character, magically appeared by her side.

'U-um,' he mumbled, 'It was just . . . Lolly, her feet were so nice – '

'How DARE you snog the footsies of my friend!' Lolly shrilled in indignation. 'Paul Michael Slater, you are by far the most uncooperative fictional asshole that the pen shall ever meet. Your name is not fit to be scrawled on paper by an author.'

'It's a good thing you're not an author then,' he snapped back.

Lolly went rather quiet.

Paul realized his mistake. 'No, I meant – '

A loud sniff came from Lolly's snoz.

Paul rolled his eyes. 'Good God,' he muttered. 'Look, I didn't mean it, God, please, just don't start crying, or I think I might kill myself – '

'WAAAAHHH! WAAAAAAAAHHHHH! BOOOO HOOOO!' Lolly screamed in pseudo-woe, peaking up to check if he was still watching, 'WAAAAAAAH – '

'Oh shut up,' he begged. 'Look. Okay, fine. I'll kiss her. Not on her feet, even though they are – ' his voice became breathy in passion, 'undeniably sexy – ' he coughed. 'Just for the love of all things evil, don't cry – '

Lolly smirked into her hands, and then propped her head up, looking up at him with crocodile tears. 'Good,' she said. 'Only, I don't want you to be the one to do the kissing.'

Paul quirked a brow. 'Um.'

'And I don't want Emily to be the recipient of this kiss, either,' Lolly went on happily, forgetting her moment of desperate anguish, 'I think that Jesse kisses better than you anyway.'

'What? That loser? How the HELL can some COWBOY be a better kisser than m – '

'Suze told me,' Lolly said simply. 'Now, winged monkey, BRING HIM TO ME.'

Paul groaned, and with a flash of light that is only possible because Lolly is writing this and she is insane and needs psychiatric help, Jesse appeared in all of his Spanish sexiness. Corny Latino music began playing, like when Antonio Banderas enters any room in any scene of Mask of Zorro.

'Buenos dias,' he says in an overly exaggerated tone.

'Cut the crap,' Lolly says. 'Go kiss my friend Aina, and make it look real.'

Jesse is – my God. We've changed tenses. Oopsie – Jesse WAS stunned. 'Be unfaithful to my querida? It's SCANDALOUS!'

'Whatever. She kissed Paul. Big deal. Now, Aina really needs some Latino lovin' – '

'She WHAT?'

'Listen,' Lolly said dangerously, jabbing a finger into his chest, 'Either you kiss my friend, or I will tell Suze that you're having it off with Felix Diego.'

'No!' Jesse whispered in horror, 'She can't know!'

. . . 'Um.'

'She was kidding, Rico.'

Everyone stared.

. . . A lot.

Jesse laughed uncomfortably. 'Oh, erm, I mean, just – hahaha, of course there is NOTHING going on between myself and my murderer, hahaha, how could you THINK that we use chains and whips? Honestly, I don't even LIKE leather, I can't help if it makes my perfect butt look sensational, and it's not even MY fault that Diego is partial to the ass-less variety of leather get-ups – '

There was a hacking cough of distraction, and Lolly and Paul backed away from Jesse, rather quickly.

'Just do it,' Lolly tried to keep from gagging.

8 -

It was late at night. Aina was, and I quote, "Looking at MCBC, checking some sites," end quote, Jesse came to her in a terrified daze. Susannah could NOT know of the kinky affair he was having with – oh, no, no . . .

So, he puckered up his lips, and leant towards Aina, ready to kiss her . . .

. . . But fell right through her.

He swore in English.

SHOCK!

'Aaah, damn it.'

Stupid dead guy . . . pfft . . .

8 -

Diego awaited Jesse, lying seductively across a bed. 'Oh, Hector . . . how I crave you . . . Hector . . . '

8 -

THE END.