Title: Japan #9
Warnings: Spoilers up to anime episode 21. Hardly makes sense. Total crack. And I haven't read the manga so there might already be a Japan #9.
Pairings: Kuroyanagi/Kirisaki, implied Kawachi/Azuma

2.

The day of the competition arrives.

The sun creeps into the sky, decides it doesn't like what it finds, and makes a hasty retreat, calling for the storm clouds to please sub in, thanks so much. Before the clouds arrive, though, the sky is just a stretch of cool, empty gray.

It's the perfect day for disaster.

More sublunary viewers are less concerned with the sky than they are with the huge white building, topped with red. No, not Pizza Hut. Pantasia is bustling with activity today, as everyone wants to see these two amazing finalists battle it out. Hushed whispers combine into a loud roar: Him, the one with pink hair, his bread made Dave Hashiguchi stand up! And the one with the pink hairband, his bread made Dave die. Come to think of it, Kuroyanagi died too. And then he attacked the Meister. What? Yes, in that order. Oh. Um… I'm not really sure how, in fact, but it just happened like that, take it from me…

The finalists shake hands before the match, and then they begin, with the owner Azusagawa and general manager Meister Kirisaki watching from afar, and Kuroyanagi looming nearby.

Azuma's bread looks surprisingly normal, but everybody assures their neighbors that looks can be deceiving: "His last bread looked normal too, but it was still amazing!" "Yeah, and you told me Kuroyanagi died and then jumped the Meister. They're both right there! Like I'm going to believe anything you say from now on!"

"It's done!" Azuma announces triumphantly, saving many a self-declared expert on the events of the last competition. From the oven, he pulls out a pan filled with tens, maybe hundreds of little round pastries. "Japan #9!"

"Go on and judge it," Kanmuri says. "That's what happened in my competition with Kawachi-kun, so it's only fair, right? Besides," Kanmuri smiles sheepishly. "I'm not even close to done. I'm still making the dough."

"Actually," says Azuma, suddenly looking panicked. "You can't… eat it."

"What?" Kuroyanagi asks. "What's the point of a bread you can't eat?"

"Well… You can eat it," Azuma says. "Just… not you."

"Why not?" Kuroyanagi doesn't know whether or not to be offended.

"I mean… I wouldn't want you to kiss me or anything. No offense," Azuma adds hastily.

Everyone looks on with interest.

"And why would I do that?" Kuroyanagi demands, one eyebrow twitching.

"Well… It's Japan #9," Azuma explains. "So… if you eat it, you'll, um…"

"Are you saying you've made bread that's a…" Kuroyanagi sputters. "an aphrodisiac!"

"Huh?" Azuma asks. "What's that?"

Suddenly everyone wants some Japan #9. After hearing what happened at the semi-finals, all twenty different versions, they're willing to believe pretty much anything about Azuma's bread. Within the seconds the tray Azuma holds is empty.

Kuroyanagi groans. Loudly.

Azusagawa stands up. "Azuma," he says. "There are many young people in the audience. How could you make…?"

"What?" Azuma asks.

Kawachi jumps to his defense. "Azuma is a bread artisan! That means that he makes wonderful bread for everyone's… bread… needs." Kawachi falters, but presses bravely onward. "Azuma only wants to further the bread industry! You did say any sort of bread, so I don't see how a… how…"

"Japan #9," Azuma supplies helpfully.

"How Japan #9 is any different," Kawachi finishes triumphantly.

"I think what we need," Matsushiro says, looking pointedly at Kuroyanagi, "is a lesson." He grins, looking far too amused to be safe. "After all, we don't want people inexpertly kissing one another, now do we? Kuroyanagi."

This wasn't happening.

"You're saying… You're saying that you want me to teach these people how to… how to kiss because of some messed up bread Azuma came up with?" Kuroyanagi asks, waving his hands frantically for emphasis.

"Well…" Matsushiro seems to be considering. Kuroyanagi prays.

Finally, Matsushiro shakes his head with a shrug. "It's not like Azuma can do it, hm?"

All hell breaks loose.