KISSING STEPHANIE SUNSHINE

Lolly sat at her computer again, rather annoyed. Jesse de Silva had NOT done what he was told. And last night's szechwan from the Chinese Take-Away around the corner was not agreeing with her bowels too well, making poor, dear, sweet, innocent Lolly get up-close-and-personal with the downstairs toilet.

Oh, bother.

It had been a topsy turvy night, dreaming that she was Sabrina the Teenage Witch and that her deputy principal Ms WILL GO UNNAMED IN CASE IT'S TRUE were forcing rabbits to poop all over the oval grass to make it grow more, and were keeping said thousand rabbits locked up.

And also, Lolly looking for a 'THE MEDIATOR' tattoo, but the tattoo parlour only having a Princess Diaries one.

SHOCK.

So, with a dry throat, she scowled at the computer screen, seeing Jesse's incompetence, and Paul's love of Ze Tings Velo' Ze Ankelles.

What accent THAT was in, no one will know.

She was rather annoyed with Paul. So was Emily. But as Em says in response, 'Once you've seen Paul's down under, you'll let loose a roar of thunder.'

And Lolly's spiteful, 'Once you've gone Jesse, nothing's as messy.'

(GOD DAMN IT.)

'Honestly,' she snapped. 'You just can't get good fictional help these days. If they're not off making love to General Kenobi's feet, they're doing so with Spanish murdering turds.

Readers all go, 'Eww.'

Right on time.

'So,' Lolly said, 'I must call in a favour from someone so trust-worthy, someone so loveable, someone so loyal and hot, and someone so wonderful that no Kissing Mission could probably go wrong . . . JOHNNY DEPP.'

The phone rang. 'Lolly, JD's not available. He's filming Willy Wonka still.'

'Shit,' said Lolly.

Well. Of COURSE she had back-up. With the stylish swing of her long, black locks, (a wig,) she was the epitome of poise and grace. 'WELL,' she cried, 'I must get my SECOND choice.

Again, with a lightning flash and an overly exaggerated flatulence noise, there appeared the sexiest, handsomest, hottest, cutest, loveliest –

- Max, the dog.

Lolly paled. 'You're freakin' joking me.'

She blinked. Max yawned, and then dived at her, burying his head in her crotch.

Again, the audience goes, 'Eww.'

It's a dog thing.

Lolly screamed, and with her remaining Sabrina the Teenage Witch powers from last night's dream, she makes Max turn to oozing pus.

Yum.

Panting, Lolly crawls back to her computer chair. 'This is why directors don't work with animals,' she said breathily to her gentle readers.

THEN. With a brilliant Einsteinian idea, a little light bulb popped above her head for emphasis. 'EUREKA!' she said, 'I'VE GOT IT.'

And within the next ten minutes, she has a very luscious new kissing candidate.

The one and only . . .

Father Dominic.

'So, let me get this straight, child,' he frowned. 'You want me to . . . '

'Kiss my friend,' she said as if her were simple.

Oh but he is, Lolly.

'Am not,' he said. 'But yes, you see, there is a problem there . . . I have sworn my life to God. And not sins of the flesh. I can not know the touch of a woman. It is not Christian.'

'But you're Catholic,' Lolly said.

'Silence,' he hissed.

Lolly shook her head sadly. 'You've never had sex, have you.'

Father Dominic paled, looked around shiftily, and then began belting out 'Alleluia,' Mr-Bean style.

Whoa. A sixty something year old virgin. That's gotta sting.

Oh well. Time to threaten the priest.

'Listen, Jesus,' she narrowed her eyes, 'If you don't kiss my friend, then I think that the archbishop will by privy to the fact that . . . you're actually Jewish,' she hissed in bullying tones, her face hideous with aggression.

Father Dom went very pale. 'Oh dear,' he said. 'Oh dear Lord, no – '

'Then kiss my friend,' Lolly smirked lolliliciously.

'And . . . whom might this friend be?'

'An inanimate object.'

'Really?'

'No.'

'Oh.'

'My friend is . . . ' A mysterious drumroll was played from somewhere on set, 'Stephanie.'

Readers go, 'Um . . . who the hell?'

Lolly barely knows.

'You know. Sunshine.'

'Oh,' readers go happily in recognition.

Reluctantly, Father Dom went to fulfil his sinful task.

8 -

It was late at night. The lights were out. The moon was hiding. Stephanie lay in her bed, asleep. Suddenly . . . she heard a noise. She stopped. Nothing. She relaxed. Then . . . AGAIN. A footstep, somewhere outside her window. Terrified, Stephanie turned over in her bed, hiding beneath the covers in an imitation of slumber.

A figure ambled awkwardly through the window, dark and in shadow . . .

Stephanie poised, her hands upon her pillow . . .

The figure stepped into the room, looking for his victim . . . he saw the quilt rising and falling on the bed. He stepped over to claim his kiss –

WHEN STEPHANIE JUMPED UP, armed with the eve r menacing pillow. 'TAKE – THAT – YOU – STUPID – LOSER!' Whack, whack, WHACK!

'OW!' shrieked Father Dominic, 'Please – stop, I didn't mean to – '

'GET OUT OF MY ROOM! I WILL NOT BE PERVED ON! I'M CALLING THE COPS. AND OPRAH. AND JERRY SPRINGER TOO. AND GEORGE BUSH. NOW GET – ' whack – 'OUT – ' WHACK – ' OF MY ROOOOOOOOOM!'

Lying almost dead on the floor, Father Dom twitched, his glasses askew.

Steph finally recognized the person whom she'd been beating the crap out of.

'Shit,' she said.

Poor Father Dominic.

She heaved him out of her window, and muttered a heartfelt 'Sorry!' when he landed in a robe-y heap in the rose bushes, thorns sticking into his holy backside.

Dom crawled out of the roses, and began cursing as badly as priests like him can curse.

'Oh, gosh, oh dear, oh my, oh . . . ' AND A BIG NO-NO, 'DARN it!'

SHOCK!

And then the priest swore to break the sixth commandment.

'Lolly . . . will . . .pay . . . '

THE END.