Dearest Diary,
Today we met with the Titans East. For the most part, it was a rather enjoyable day, confusing, but enjoyable.
Let me start with the morning. This morning I was feeling no better than I had last night. It took all the energy I had just to hover above the ground, and I knew that once I reached my teammates, I wouldn't even be able to do that.
Aside from a rather formal 'Good Morning' I had not talked to friend Robin since the 'Cinderblock incident.' I had decided overnight, in my misery, to become more like friend Raven, because she had the one thing I wanted most in the world—friend Robin's attention. I could not tell you, and still can't tell you why I feel that I need him by my side, simply because I do not know myself.
Before I made my way down to the kitchen, I placed one of the blankets that was on my bed around my shoulders, so it hung in a fashion similar to Raven's cloak. This definitely caught everyone's attention in the kitchen. Beast Boy and Cyborg stopped their day tofu-meat fight to laugh at my strange new attire, and friend Raven raised an eyebrow, before returning her gaze to her book. Robin, however, took no notice to the fact that I was wearing my version of Raven's cloak. It seemed as if he did not realize my presence. Needless to say, this did not have a wondrous effect on my mood. I dropped the blanket and let my feet touch the ground, and walked the rest of the way to the kitchen.
After we consumed the break-fast, Raven came up to me with her 'we have to talk' face. Though I was rather surprised and delighted that friend Raven had noticed my unusually saddened mood, talking was one of the last things on my mind, so I put on my false, cheery, "thank you for your concern friend, but I wish to be alone," face, which friend Raven promptly ignored. After pulling me into the next room, she placed her hands on her head, as if she was experiencing a human 'head-ache.'
"Starfire, you are one of my closest friends," she said in her monotone, but I could tell her words were sincere. "And you are as a sister to me!" I said with another false smile. I was getting that bad feeling again; it was if I was lying to Raven by pretending to be happy.
"So if there is something wrong, you know you can tell me…" her voice trailed off and I believe I saw a shadow of a concerned smile. I enveloped her in a large hug, and though I still felt that annoyingly achy feeling, it was wonderful to know someone noticed my sorrows.
That is when the morning took a turn for the better, as I had been informed the Titans East would be visiting! At this time, we began tidying up around the tower, and getting everything ready for our friends' arrival. I made sure I was paired up with friend Robin for the cleaning, because I planned to inform him of how sorry I was for directing my attention elsewhere in battle, and almost allowing Cinderblock to escape. While planning out the correct way to say this, I felt my pulse quicken, and my hands became wet with sweat. This alarmed me a little bit, but seeing as I had more important things to see to, I decided I'd ask friend Raven later what this meant.
Some days it feels like I have nothing in common with friend Robin, and that no matter how close he is to me, he will always be closer to friend Raven. They have much more in common than any of us. Raven now shares a special 'mental bond' with friend Robin that I know I will never share with him, no matter how much I wish to. And now, with Raven as Slade's new target, Robin can more easily express his innermost feeling to Raven, because he too was once a target of Slade.
X'hal! I don't know what's wrong with me. I sound bitter, as if I do not care at all for friend Raven's safety, which is not at all true. Even so, I'm getting an angry feeling inside me every time someone as much as talks to friend Robin! --Especially friend Raven.
It is no longer a want. I need to be at friend Robin's side.
Finally, as we were just about done with the tidying up of the tower, I apologized to friend Robin. Upon dong this, Robin did the earthly act of 'brushing me off,' and asked me of friend Raven's whereabouts. I am not sure of what I wished him to do, but that was most definitely not it. I could feel a surge of hurt coming on. Friend Robin had forgiven me for the 'Cinderblock incident' but instead of regaining the lost feeling of joy, my heart sunk even lower. Aside from when I first came to planet Earth, this was the first time I'd truly felt lonely here—watching friend Robin walk away to go find friend Raven.
As I finished the cleaning by myself, the tower's doorbell rang, revealing the Titan's East. Though I have seen them quite a few times before, today was the first time I noticed how much friend Speedy looked like friend Robin—not only in looks, but in action as well, and I found that I very much enjoyed being near him. The very thought of him, or mention of his name brings a smile to my face. It's as if he is chasing away the sad feelings I have been having, and replacing the frown that has now found it's way to my face every time I think of friend Robin. Though this confuses me, I hope it lasts.
Until next time,
Starfire