Title: With Innocent Blood
Author: Adrienne
Rating: T, for the language and incest.
Spoilers: Oh jeez, just watch the show, people! Big, huge ones for "New Canaan, CA".
Disclaimer: Dan Knauf is way more talented than I am, and thought up this world. He created the toybox, HBO in all its awesomeness owns the toybox, and I'm just playing around with the toybox. I'll clean up when I'm done, I promise.
Notes: This is what happens when you mix school-related procrastination, the soundtrack to JCS, and re-reading old Clancy Brown interviews. I swear, I'm just trying to write a paper, but the Carnivale musi are just too damn demanding for their own good. To Vorona and Dana, my fellow Carny Angels. You two rock my world.
Summary: Iris thought she saw how it would all end, but it turns out that the Judas of this story isn't Justin, but her.
"At the point when he's looking at that whip, and he says that maybe "God has other plans for some of us." Is he being Judas at that point? Does he know that he's been foreordained to test humanity to a Godly end, and that's what he has to face? Or… Does he think that he's still a good man and doing God's work, just in a way that isn't widely accepted?" – Clancy Brown, 12/12/03 Interview.
How could it come to this? You were supposed to be a good man, a man of God. The leader of a shining city on a hill. Our new Canaan, the light of the world. But the light in your eyes has gone out, and I can't make it come back.
Once, I was able to put that light in your eyes with a simple smile. Blue as sea and sky, clear as the dawn. Now night has set in, and I don't know if the dawn will ever break again. I can't see through the blackness of the night. But you were always better than I at seeing in the dark, weren't you?
Ah, Alexei. Brother. Brat. How amused we were to hear what that meant in English. But you always were moj brat – my brother. Ever since the night you came into this world. Mother screaming, the madness just beginning to eat away at her. Father pale and frightened, whispering to me before leaving the room "Irina, zabot'tes' o rebenke – Irina, take care of the baby". He must have known even then what you would become. Seen the beast lurking behind your eyes, even through the beautiful exterior. Iris means "angel", but you were the angelic one. Good as gold. I was the troublemaker, not you.
I always knew you were meant for greatness, brother of mine. From the very beginning, when you looked at me with such calm in the midst of storms, both inner and outer, I knew you were special. But I had just as much potential for goodness as you, did I not? We were part of God's plan. Children of God, yes – but was Lucifer himself not part of the heavenly host?
But Lucifer fell from grace, and like Lucifer, so have you fallen. You were not alone; I was right beside you, as I have been for nine-and-thirty years. I have damned myself for you countless times, as it became apparent that would be the only way to ensure my place at your side.
Alexei means "warrior". So have you been a warrior in God's army. A warrior for righteousness, and a warrior for perdition. Alexei also means "prince", and you have proven yourself to be a prince of darkness. You shall rule in hell, little brother. And I shall be at your side. For Irina means "peace", and if there is one thing I have always done, it is bring you peace.
Pax tecum. Peace be with you. I will be with you, Alexei. Even into the depths of hell. Did Milton not say 'better to rule in hell than serve in heaven'? Alexei means "prince". Prince of heaven or hell, it matters not to me so long as you fulfill your destiny to rule. As I have fulfilled mine by wearing every face to you that a woman can wear.
Mother. Caregiver. Irina, take care of the baby. Your head upon my breast, heavy with sleep and tears. The terror in your eyes as you cling to my hand in the rushing water.
Sister. Counselor. Your shoulders, knotted with the weight of a thousand burdens. The frustration in your eyes as you wrestle with your destiny, and the surrender that dawns as you find my support.
Lover. Crime. The weight of your body, enveloping and filling me at the most primal level. Pleasure and pain in one dizzying mixture as half-crescent moons join lash marks across your back.
Confession and penance. Sin and salvation. Heaven and hell. Love and hatred. The altar of sacrifice. You never have to ask, Alexei. And you never will.
You asked me to be strong, brother dear, and so I have been. I was strong enough to cling to your hand in an icy river. Strong enough to give up my chance at a future for you. Strong enough to kill innocents in your name and strong enough to consign myself to hell for you. I was even strong enough to betray you to that boy. The son of light that is your destiny. It had to be me. Who else would you follow, even to the edge of doom?
For Woman wears a fourth face – one we pray Man never sees. As we create, so we destroy. So we betray, with both tears and smiles, love and hatred. And I could never betray you with hatred. I'm sure you would remind me that our Lord was betrayed by one who loved him.
Judas, must you betray me with a kiss?
Yes, Alexei, I had to. Everything is ever-fixed, and cannot be changed. First Gethsemane – not my will, but thine, be done – then Cavalry. Only then can the stone be rolled away.
But oh God, I never expected it to be like this. A sickle – mat' rossiya – sweeping through cornfields. Oh, unhappy dagger. Iscariot means "dagger". Plunge thee deep, where two branches meet. Your eyes widen into sea and sky as flesh is pierced. Why have you forsaken me? Why, Alexei, why?
Lord, forgive me! I know not what I have done. I have shed blood once again. My brother's blood cries out to you for vengeance, and I am to blame! Why, Lord, why did it have to be me? Could you not have chosen another way for him to die, if he had to die at all?
The foolishness of God is wiser than men. I know I am foolish, but so are you, Lord. My brother gave you everything, and asked only for forgiveness in return! Could you not have spared him? He was innocent . . . was he just another martyr that you used me to sacrifice in your name?
Irina, take care of the baby.
I broke my promise to her. Oathbreaking is a deadly sin, deadlier than the lust I took in my brother. Deadlier than the pride you appealed to when you chose me to be your instrument. Black sins – sins that don't wash off. Now I am truly damned.
Thou shalt be strong!
I am tired of being strong, Alexei. Prostite mne.
Forgive me.
The End