My victim isn't as involved as usual, I'm afraid. You'll have to forgive me.

Love Lolly.

Dedicated to Sarah, (obviously) and Brat.

- smirk -

8 -

It was a sad, sad morning . . .

No one mourned the fictional death of our bellowed steroid-pumping Dopey . . . his memory was washed away down Lillita's sink as she endeavoured to clean the gut-stained Big Foot costume before she had to return it to the Foot Fetishists Anonymous building. Then she bitterly removed all the letters from her toenails that she'd painted on the previous day to say PAULISSEXY

Fool.

But even sadder than that, is – LOLLY GOT WOKEN UP AT 6AM!

HOW RUDE IS THAT, I ASK? I MEAN, THE NERVE OF HER FATHER AND BROTHER GOING OUT TO GOLF SO EARLY AND MAKING SUCH A RACKET – why, it's an OUTRAGE.

Lolly plotted to shoot her dad and bro –

Um, anyway.

So. Now, with another new chapter to write, Lolly found she had a little problem.

No victim.

A character planned, but . . . no one to victimize, terrorize, and horrify.

Darn.

So, scouring the MCBC, she finally found her prey . . .

With her telepathy that she only has because she's the author of this God damned story, she used the powers of her mind (which in reality, couldn't even bend a toothpick with her lack of intelligence) to contact . . .

Bill Gates' house.

The phone rang.

And rang.

And rang.

And rangandrangandrangandRANGANDRANGANDRANG –

'Hello, you have reached – '

'Whatever,' Lolly snapped to the receptionist lady, 'Get me David Ackerman.'

'But why miss, he is in a meeting with Mr Gates. They are talking about how they are going to bomb the creator of Apple Macs – '

'While I FULLY support that idea,' Lolly spat, 'No really, I do. Apples suck, and couldn't be fit to wipe one's hiney with, I really need David.'

There was a lot of sighing. 'Well, all right. Please hold.'

I Wanna Be an American Idiot started playing.

Lolly was more partial to Boulevard of Broken Dreams, if truth be told.

Or Bohemian Rhapsody –

'Hello?' greeted the squeaky, nerdiness of the D.A himself.

Lolly beamed. 'Why, David. What a pleasure to finally catch you. How's Shannon?'

'She's great,' he said eagerly, 'I taught her how to dissect a cow's eye yesterday – '

'Charming,' Lolly burbled. 'Well, David, don't I have a treat for you.'

'Um.'

'Come to my bedroom, over here down under, and you will be filled in.'

'Um,' David went again.

Lolly scoffed. 'Aren't you even going to ASK how things are down under?'

Doc began to sweat. 'Actually, I – '

'Doc, get your little geeky butt here or I'll burn your laptop and get Max to pee on the ashes,' Lolly snarled.

Doc hung up rather rapidly, and with then, by the powers of all things lollilicious, he was called forth to Lolly's computer room down in the wonderful world of Disney.

I mean, Australia.

'Doc,' Lolly beamed in delight, 'Aww, I see your hair's getting redder.'

Doc just stood there in his high-collared navy blue sweater, and dark grey work pants.

. . . He was twelve years old.

Geek.

'That observation would prove to be t-true,' he said. His LAPTOP had been threatened, how would YOU feel?

'Listen . . . Doc,' Lolly's smile widened evilly. 'You're going to do me a teeny, tiny, slightly large, enormous favour.'

Doc blinked. 'Um.'

'You see, Doc,' Lolly stood up, walking towards him slowly, her gargantuan butt swaying and knocking things over as she did so, 'I have a friend who, like me, has never been kissed.'

'Um,' Doc said, 'If I may be polite, I don't see how this has to do with me – '

'SHUT THE HELL UP, GEEKATRON,' Lolly fumed, making Doc lose his courage to speak.

Lolly's pleasant air returned. 'So . . . where was I? Oh yes. My darling friend would suit you so well! She's nerdy, and cute and I believe her hair matches your own. And I think that you're going to regret it if you don't consent to what I propose.'

Doc gulped. 'I believe that the general public would refer to this as blackmail,' he stuttered.

'The general public can go – '

Look, it's 6AM, OKAY? I like Lolly is PERFECTLY WITHIN HER RIGHTS TO BE PISSED OFF. SO THERE.

Teehee.

Doc was shaking like a leaf. 'Well, in that case, I think it would be best if I left you – '

'Kiss my friend, and I won't show your mother all of those porn sights that you look up on your laptop,' Lolly hissed menacingly.

Doc went dead still.

'You wouldn't dare,' he squealed. 'I just – Lolly, "A Night in Paris" is just so captivating. Have you seen the length of Miss Hilton's legs? I measured them to scale from a photo! They are approximately – '

'HAVE YOU SEEN HER NOSE?' Lolly thundered.

Doc started crying. 'But – but your friend is probably attractive, and she'd – Lolly, she'd never kiss someone like me – I'm just – I want Mummy.'

Lolly said soothingly, 'Oh Doctagon, you underestimate yourself. After all, once you've gone Dave, you'll never want to bathe,' she said teasingly.

His eyes widened in hope. '. . . Really?'

'No. Not really,' Lolly sighed. 'Now hop to it, four-eyes.'

8 -

Doc was roaming all around town, looking for Sarah's house. He actually stopped in on the wrong one, at first, seeing Brat secretly painting her ice-blue "I LOVE PAUL" rosettes.

But finally, he came to the correct house, where DancinSweethart was blissfully brushing her red hair, singing to herself The Twelve Days of Christmas.

Up to:

"Nine Paulies Dancing,

Eight Susies Milking,

Seven Jesses Swimming,

Six Spikes a'laying

Fooooooooooooo-ooooooot Feh-tiiiiiiiiiiiiish . . . "

. . . And it was love.

Doc, with as much grace as a constipated hippopotamus, climbed her window in awe.

Once there, he called, 'Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarah . . . myyyyyyyy preeeeeeeeeeeeeeccciossssssssss . . . '

DS turned from her grooming, and blinked in alarm. 'Doc? 'she asked in awe. 'What the – but – but I thought you were fictional – '

'Well, that would be technically true,' he shrugged, doing all within his power to capture her heart. 'But you see, due the psychological trauma that our creator, Lolly is currently going through, she is subconsciously creating outlets for her bridled creativity that is being so oppressively stifled in today's society of such high expectations, and due to said mental oppression, we figments of her imagination are projected to seem real to the readers of her insanity,' he explained in his best I'm-not-Einstein . . . honest-no-really-I'm-not voice.

DancinSweethart blinked again. 'I'm real,' she said. 'When's Paul coming? I want Paul. He's hot. He's – '

'Aaaah, I can see why Paul would be your natural preference,' David said knowledgeably, 'But you see, it is I who would in fact produce more impressive offspring than he. Though he is a male specimen of undeniable attraction – my brother, Bradley, for instance, is magnetically drawn to him – and his apparent intelligence is desired by many, I also have qualities that would be fine if we were to reproduce,' he said, 'For my intelligence if beyond my years, indicating that my chromosomes, though unimpressive in physical attributes, would make for a better father to any children we may have in the future. Our spawn would be intellectual and gifted in all things of the mind, and plus, although apparently nerdy, I can be a tiger in the bedroom,' the twelve year old added matter-of-factly.

Sarah just blinked some more.

'Um,' she said.

'I see why you might be stunned,' David laughed expressively, 'Yes, I know that my superior smarts can intimidate the – ' he giggled, '- girls that I talk to . . . but we should get over that quite quickly, and get right to it, if we are hoping to start our race of super-intelligence.'

Holy crap.

Lolly has no part in this characterization. Doc has seriously possessed Lolly's fingertips. Lolly is staring at the screen, willing to obey Doc's every command . . .

'And hence, with all of the points made above,' David smiled, attempting to seductively drag his hand though his crew-cut red hair, 'I believe that we ought to kill off all of the lesser-intelligence beings. I've researched ways to do so on the internet – without being caught – in between, you know, my Thursday night pornography viewing and spying on Suze with my binoculars and mirrors. A young lad like myself can't JUST know every single element of the periodic table,' he smiled at Sarah, believing this to be rather adequate foreplay.

Sarah sighed. 'David, it's just not going to work.'

Doc paused in shock. 'What? B-b-b-b-but – but you're a RED HEAD.'

She winced a little. 'I'm blissfully addicted to Sleepy,' she said.

. . . SHOCK!

'But – no!' David cried. 'No! Not my own brother! He is one of these lesser intelligence beings I spoke of. He must be destroyed – '

Sarah sighed. 'Something about that whole pizza-boy thing really gets me in,' she said dreamily.

The door rang. Sarah answered it in giddy thrills. It was Jake with her pizza. His doped out face stared vacantly into hers.

Oh, young love . . .

(So influenced by drugs.)

Tut tut, Sarah.

David was rather traumatized. He left Sarah and Jake doing ever it is that possible pot-heads and their not-so-fictional girlfriends do (maybe, um, eat the pizza?)

'I will leave, then,' he said, 'For I cannot obviously win your affections in this fraternal battle of lust.'

God, this guy needed help. Poor little nerd.

As he ventured back to Lolly's sadly, having been rejected, he totally ignored as he past Brat's house, while she was in her passionate, fiery make-out with Paul Slater, as he chomped lustfully on her feet.

After telling Lolly that his mission was incomplete, he went and consoled himself by watching Paris Hilton's lovely flick a couple of times.

'Aaaaaaaaah . . . I guess homosexuality is the way to go,' he muttered glumly.

And called Bill Gates again, arranging a time and place.

THE END.