Title: Understanding
Author: Mucada
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: JKR's, and how I wish they were mine.
Summary: Follow-up to "Here I Am" but can be read alone. "It felt simple, as they stood there, despite the fact that they were naked in the shower." Remus and Tonks talk.
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And so you see I have come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is you
-P. Simon.
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Once apparating to the entrance way of the old Black Manor, Remus cautiously made his way down into the kitchen, and he prayed silently that no one would be up at this hour to question his whereabouts. All he wished for was a cup or two of coffee, and maybe a smoke before anyone came downstairs. He wasn't lucky, however, because Molly Weasley was in the kitchen preparing breakfast. A familiar site to see. She turned around swiftly, the knife she was using to cut bread pointed at him dangerously.
"Where have you been?" she asked menacingly, not lowering the knife.
"I was out," he replied simply. His movements didn't have to be tracked by Molly Weasley. She wasn't his mother, and he was a grown man. He wished for some silence and instead he got Molly Weasley questioning his whereabouts. He sat down at the worn table, acknowledging his defeat. He had no energy to even make it upstairs anyway. He found no release in sleeping anymore, either.
"Don't give me that attitude, Remus Lupin. The Headmaster was calling for you this morning and I had to tell him we didn't know where you were." She turned around and continued cutting slices of bread.
"What did he want?"
"To speak with you about something. I didn't ask," she said, turning around to face him. She then asked, "Would you like some tea, dear?"
"Coffee, and I'll make it myself."
"It's no trouble," she said, beginning to put a pot of coffee on the brew, "Are you feeling well, Remus? You look rather pale."
"I'm fine, Molly," he said. The pack of cigarettes he left on the table before he went out earlier was still there and he drew an ashtray closer to him. The packet of matches he left with the cigarettes was missing, so he stood slowly and lit the end on the burner of the stove. He was feelings exhausted all of a sudden, most likely from the lack of sleep. Lately, Dumbledore had been confiding in him more about the work in the Order, placing more responsibility on Remus. This had been a strain as well, but nothing he could do about.
"Don't smoke that in here," Molly warned, "people will be coming down soon."
"I'll put it out before anyone gets here."
She didn't respond, but huffed slightly as she busied herself around the kitchen. The door opened suddenly, and in walked Tonks, her pink hair disarray and her eyes wide.
"Wotcher," was all she said as she fell down next to Remus at the table. He didn't put the cigarette out.
"Good morning, dear," Molly said, with enough enthusiasm to cover up for the rest of the room.
"You're up early, Tonks," Remus said, looking sideways at him.
"And you left late last night, Remus," Tonks shot back softly, with much wit for someone just waking up. Remus could tell Molly was listening to them intently.
"I had somewhere to be," was all he said. He felt like he should give Tonks more than that, since he left her to wake up alone this morning, in his bed.
"With me," she whispered, so Molly couldn't hear. Remus knew she was straining to hear them anyway.
"It's complicated," he said in the same low voice.
"Everything about you is, Remus."
"You should know, Tonks," was all he said. She should know what had been bothering him, because it was the same thing bothering many of them. He would explain where he was to her later, and she would understand. He didn't want Molly to hear he broke into the Ministry of Magic last night.
"I think I'll go use the bath," Tonks announced to the room. She stood up quickly, knocking into the corner of the table as she went.
"Tonks, dear are you--" Molly began, but she was already out the door.
"Bad morning?" Molly mused to herself, as she turned back to the stove.
Remus didn't answer. He crushed his half finished cigarette in the dirty ashtray on the table and stood up, restless. That was a feeling he was experiencing lately: restlessness, as well as exhaustion. It set him in a place of discomfort, one that he so badly wanted to find a way out of.
"I think I'll sleep a little before Dumbledore comes later," he said to Molly as he exited the kitchen.
"Let me know if you need anything, Remus," she called as he left.
"I will," he replied.
He made his way up the stairs, to his room. Tonks was entirely too predictable. He stepped over her clothing which was scattered across his floor. He tossed his heavy jacket on the unmade bed, and removed his shoes. The door to his bathroom was closed and he could hear the water running, indicating she was in the shower. However mad she was at him, she still chose to use his bathroom. He opened the door, which he knew already wouldn't be locked.
"Tonks?" he said as he was greeted by the steam coming from the running water.
"What is it, Remus?" He could see the outline of her small body through the sheer curtain.
"Can we talk?"
"Can this wait?" He could hear annoyance in her voice, mixed with slight surprise.
"Not particularly."
"I'm not getting out," she replied, stubbornly. He smiled for what felt like the first time in months. His face almost ached from it, it felt so good.
"Don't bother to," he stated, removing his shirt and tossing it on the floor next to her clothing. He then undid his belt, and stepped out of his trousers.
"What are you doing?" Tonks asked skeptically, poking her head around the curtain, soap dripping down her gleaming shoulders. He watched her eyes travel down his body as he removed the last of his clothing.
"Oh, nothing," he said, walking towards her, and, pulling the curtain back he joined her in the shower.
She gasped, "Remus!" He smiled again, and this time it felt more natural. The feeling of complete happiness caused his smile to grow. He kissed her out of complete joy.
"Why are you doing this?" she asked, running the soap bar in her hand down his chest as they pressed closely together under the water.
"Couldn't wait."
"Where were you last night?" she asked almost automatically. It felt like they were meeting in complete secrecy, which they were in a sense. In a house like this, the shower seemed like a good place to have a confidential conversation.
"I had somewhere to be," he said, as they stood there, the water pouring down their bodies. "I went to the Department of Mysteries."
She didn't reply, just looked at his chest where her hand still lay gently. He could see a line crease between her eyebrows.
"Remus, why?" she asked, without looking at him. Her face was troubled.
"I had to, Tonks," he said in a low voice.
"Did.." she paused. He touched her hand which still lay on his chest. "Did it help at all?"
"It will," he replied softly, "as time goes by."
"I don't know what to say, Remus." He could feel her touch his hip with her other hand gently with absentminded fingers. They didn't speak for a while as the water poured down against them. It felt simple, as they stood there, despite the fact that they were naked in the shower. He felt at peace and in comfort. Tonks looked at him finally, her eyes on his. They didn't speak, and she leaned up to kiss him. It wasn't a very passionate kiss, but a soft and gentle one filled with strange energy for something so tender. He pressed his lips against hers and he could feel her suck slightly on his bottom lip. They broke away and he smiled as he held onto her hips as he felt her become unsteady.
"Do you think we'll ever be okay?" she asked.
"I want to be," he said as he felt her lean back against the tile wall, his hands still on her hips. She placed her hand on the side of his neck, and he could feel her searching for his pulse. He loved it when she touched him softly like that, like she did it with such ease and comfort: like she was so comfortable with him. That made him feel relaxed.
"It's been rough this past year," she said.
"I think it will get better. I have begun to understand things. I understand this," he said, kissing her arm. "Thank you, Tonks."
"Don't--"
"I'm not saying that like you're performing a service. Just thank you for being accepting of me."
"I'm glad for being of service on that part, then," she said, pulling him closer. He only smiled, letting their bodies mold together. They would talk more of this later, but now they were perfect.
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