TITLE: Guilty Heart
RATING: PG-13
SUMMARY: Shannon guilt for using Boone and never apologizing is tearing her apart. She falls back on old habits to get rid of her grief; will she lose Sayid in the process?
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters from Lost and am not making a profit. If they were mine, then there would be more Shayid moments.

Thanks to my Grammar Fairy for making this a much better story and adding some great stuff to it. And thanks to mrstater for pushing me to write this even though it was rough. Couldn't have done it without you!

Chapter One

Shannon sat curled in a ball in her tent, the day's events replaying again and again in her mind. She couldn't close her eyes without seeing her brother being lowered into the ground. She could still hear the sounds of the dirt hitting the tarps that were wrapped around his broken body. She remembered the last time she had seen someone buried. Boone had been there to comfort her as they threw the dirt on top of her father, but she had pushed him away, choosing instead to dull the pain with too much alcohol.

She had cried all the tears that she had in her. She had cried that she hadn't gotten to say goodbye and the fact that she had never gotten to tell him she was sorry. Her words to Sayid played over and over in her mind: she would always feel something for Boone, just not in the same way that he had felt for her. She felt guilty for always using his love for her against him. That guilt mixed with the pain of losing her brother was too much.

She was exhausted, but closing her eyes wasn't an option. Too many images flashed through her mind, the first time she had meet Boone, their relationship growing up, how she had treated him before they had gotten on the plane and ending with his body lying motionless on the cave floor. He was gone and all she was left with was the painful memories. She wished that she would have been able to say goodbye and maybe get things back to the way they were before her daddy died, back when they were more like brother and sister. She wished for those days. Now she would never see him again.

She thought about what she would be doing if she were back home, ignoring the fact that if she was home Boone would probably still be alive. She would have had two options: get drunk, or have sex. Maybe even both, to make all the pain go away. She just wanted to feel nothing; she wanted nothing more than to be numb.

She decided then to see if Sayid was awake, he might be able to help her deaden all these thoughts and feelings in her mind and the pain in her heart. She stood up shakily, stumbling to catch her balance. She had been in the same position for hours and her body didn't want to cooperate, it took her far to long to get to Sayid's tent.

Shannon was surprised to find him staring out into the ocean. He seemed to be lost in his thoughts and she wondered what he was thinking about. There was something in his eyes that she had never seen before, and for the first time she thought about how little she really knew about him. The look disappeared when he noticed her standing in front of him.

Wordlessly, he motioned for her to come to him, without hesitation she went to rest against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her waist and for a brief second the pain went away.

"How are you feeling?" he asked softly.

She shrugged against him, "I can't sleep," was all she said. She didn't want to tell him how much it hurt to breathe or how seeing Boone lying there dead had caused so many old memories to come to mind. She didn't want to think of any of that. She didn't want to remember the tree house or the swimming pool or anything else. She just wanted it all to stop.

Shannon moved to capture Sayid's lips with hers. It was a gentle kiss at first, but as the pain began to dull ever so slightly, she kissed him harder. He responded to her kisses, pulling her closer to him. It felt so good to kiss him again. She could pretend that it was the night before and they were alone on the beach again; she wished they had never left.

She moved her hand towards his pants and started to unbutton them. He pulled away then, breaking their kiss. He reached down and pulled her hand away, bringing it up to his lips to kiss. She looked at him questionably; she could see the desire in his eyes and no one had ever stopped her before.

"Not like this," he said, his voice husky with pent up desire. "I know what you are trying to do."

She looked up in surprise, though she knew it shouldn't surprise her that he'd seen through her. He knew her better than anyone ever had before. But that didn't mean she wanted him to know that she had wanted to sleep with him to dull the pain. She knew no other way to stop hurting.

"I'm sorry," she said softly, her checks tinged pink with embarrassment. "I'm going to go back to my tent."

"I think that would be the best idea." He helped her stand. "Let me walk with you."

She shook her head, "I'll be fine. I'll scream if I need you."

He brushed some loose strands of hair out of her face. "I will be here all night if you need me. It is not necessary to scream."

She smiled sadly at him, grateful that he had stopped them; she almost ruined their relationship, which was not something she was planning on doing. He kissed her forehead and whispered goodnight before she left.

She walked aimlessly around the beach, taking the long way back to her tent to allow herself some time to think. Sex with Sayid hadn't worked since he had stopped her. The pain had gone away for a moment when she kissed him, but it had been different than when she normally tried to dull her pain. She wondered why.

The more she attempted to think, the more it all started to become dizzying. She decided that if she couldn't dull the pain with sex, then she was going to find a way to get really smashed. She knew that Sawyer had some alcohol, so she would just go to him. A tiny voice in the back of her mind told her that if he didn't then she could just have sex with him. She tried to push the thought away.

She slowly snuck into his tent; he was asleep. He looked cute while he slept, she thought, kind of like a lost little boy. And the way his hair hung over his eyes was kind of sexy. Maybe having sex with him wouldn't be such a bad idea.

"What do you want, Sticks?" he asked, his voice groggy with sleep.

"Where's your alcohol?" she asked. "I want it."

"Sorry, darling," he drawled, "I gave the last bit to our fallen hero, who wasted it all on your brother."

She felt her heart constrict at his words, for a moment his tent swirled around and she thought she would fall. She was furious with him. How dare he talk about her brother like that? How dare he give his stash to Jack when she needed it? He was watching her closely to see how she responded. She knew what she needed to do.

The consequences be dammed, she needed to stop the pain. She moved quickly, and climbed on top of him and began kissing him. However, she didn't touch his lips -- she remembered the rule from Pretty Woman.

Sawyer pulled away. " What, Aladdin didn't want to take Jasmine on a magic carpet ride?"

"Shut up," she said, not wanting to think of Sayid in his tent worrying about her. "Kiss me."

It didn't take much for Sawyer to agree. He knew what she wanted from him and he didn't even care. The kissing soon gave way to more.

TBC…