TITLE: Guilty Heart
RATING: PG-13
SUMMARY: Shannon's guilt for using Boone and never apologizing is tearing her apart. She falls back on old habits to get rid of her grief; will she lose Sayid in the process?
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters from Lost and am not making a profit. If they were mine, then there would be more Shayid moments.

Thanks to my Grammar Fairy for making this a much better story and adding some great stuff to it. And thanks to mrstater for pushing me to write this even though it was rough. Couldn't have done it without you!

Thanks for allthe feedback, it is greatly appreciated!

Chapter Four

Shannon felt as if time had frozen once those words left her mouth. She hadn't meant to say them out loud; she just couldn't take that pain on his face anymore. Sayid had stopped walking, but did not turn to face her.

"I'm sorry," she repeated again, struggling to maintain her composure. She refused to cry in front of him. He already knew that she was a slut; she didn't want him to see her as a crybaby too. This mess was all her fault and she was going to fix it somehow. She couldn't ignore it anymore.

She watched him and wished that he would turn around and face her. His eyes were the only thing that would give away what he was thinking. With his back to her she was lost.

"Sayid, please say something to me," she said softly. "Just look at me."

But when he did turn to face her, Shannon almost wished he hadn't. His eyes were void of all emotion, as if he had buried it deep inside. She didn't want him to do that, she wanted him to yell and scream at her. She needed for him to tell her how horrible she was.

"What do you wish me to say?" he asked, his tone measured.

She looked down at her feet. She knew what she deserved to hear, but there was a part of her that just wanted him to say that he forgave her.

Sayid took a step towards her, closing the gap the smallest amount possible. "If forgiveness is what you are seeking, then I believe you are asking the wrong person."

She laughed bitterly as he turned to continue up the path. "Who am I supposed to ask then, Sayid? You're the only person I have left."

He faced her again. "Maybe you should be having this conversation with Sawyer," he said, a flash of hurt filling his eyes, before he quickly masked it again.

"I don't want him!" she shouted. "I want you."

He shook his head sadly and she could see that he didn't understand. She didn't know why he would; her words didn't match her actions. He stared at her for a while, his chest heaving with a deep sigh. Slowly, he sank to the ground under the tree, his backpack slipping off as his shoulders slumped. Suddenly Shannon knew exactly how much her actions and this conversation hurt him. She knelt in front of him, feeling as though she was waiting for her execution.

"I'm sorry that I had sex with Sawyer last night," she said.

Sayid closed his eyes, as if she had hit him. She saw then how differently it affected him, hearing the words from her instead of Sawyer, he didn't lash out at her with violence the way he had with Sawyer. When he opened his eyes again, he was no longer trying to mask his feelings. She could see clearly on his face all the hurt she had caused him.

"Do you have any romantic feelings for Sawyer?" he asked, struggling with the words.

"No," she answered. "I just wanted all the pain to stop."

"Was it successful?"

She shook her head, tears filling her eyes. If anything, having sex with Sawyer had added to her pain, more than she had ever thought possible. She had ended up hurting the one person on this island that treated her like she was someone important, who hadn't believed her when she said she was useless and had pushed her to face some of her own insecurities. She had never regretted sleeping with someone more than she did at that moment.

"I thought that Sawyer would have alcohol," she said, breaking the silence. "I thought I would be able to get drunk and the pain would go away." A tear slipped down her face. "Instead, I've destroyed my chance at a new life."

He looked away, as if he was thinking about something else. "Everyone deals with grief differently."

She stood up quickly, frustrated. She began pacing back and forth, her face flushed with anger.

"How would you deal Sayid? Would you talk about it, tell me your feelings?"

She was angry, he wasn't responding the way she wanted. Not that she really knew what she wanted. All she knew anymore was that she didn't want to lose him. She moved closer to him, kneeling once again so that she could see eye to eye with him.

"I don't think that's what you would do. You'd just pretend that it wasn't bothering you, like you're trying to do now."

She reached out to touch him, but he moved away before she could. She tried to ignore the pain that flashed through her, as she dropped her arm back to her side.

"Why can't you just tell me that I hurt you? Why can't you just yell at me and tell me that I'm nothing but a worthless slut? Why can't you tell me to just go away and leave you alone?"

The tears were pouring down her face now, as her breath came in gasps.

"Would it really make you feel better if I did?" he asked her softly. He reached out and wiped some of her tears away. He placed his hand on her chin and forced her to look at him. Authoritatively, he added, "I will not speak to you in such a manner."

She touched her cheek where his hand had just been; she didn't understand how he could still be so kind to her after what she had done to him.

"I never expected you would go to Sawyer." He looked away again. "I will not lie to you, Shannon, and say that it does not hurt. I wish you would have stayed with me."

"Me too," she whispered, as she wrapped her arms around herself for comfort.

"I realize that grief causes people to make choices they would not under normal circumstances."

She looked at him questioningly; he spoke as if he had experienced this before. "What do you mean?"

"I was a solider, Shannon," he said sadly. "I was around a lot of death."

He didn't elaborate and as much as she wanted she didn't ask him to. Two nights ago, she wouldn't have even thought of not asking him, but now that trust was broken and a part of her wondered if they would ever be able to get it back.

Sayid picked up his backpack and motioned to her. "It is getting dark. We should start back."

"What about Locke?"

"I do not believe that we will find Locke tonight. It will be best if we wait for him to return to camp."

Shannon didn't move, she wasn't ready to back yet. Sayid seemed to understand her screwed up logic for sleeping with Sawyer, but this still wasn't finished. Even though she couldn't take away Sayid's pain, she needed to know where they stood as a couple.

"Sayid." She drew a calming breath. "I never wanted to hurt you." Sayid opened his mouth to speak, but Shannon quickly continued, "I always end up doing that though, hurting the people who I care about or who care about me. It's like I'm genetically coded to hurt people. I used Boone all the time," she was beginning to ramble, but she felt she needed to tell him. She tried to ignore the tears falling down her face. "I was only thinking about me, which I'm actually really good at, if you haven't noticed yet. I didn't think about what my actions would do to you. I just want you to stop hurting so that this can be fixed. I don't want to lose you."

He stepped closer to her, and tentatively reached out to pull her to him. She wrapped her arms tightly around his waist as more tears fell. She sobbed against him, and tried to hold him tighter. She never wanted to let go of him.

"Shannon, I know how much Boone's death hurts. Last night...I wish what you wanted would have helped. I would do anything to help you."

She pulled away so that she could look him in the eyes, "Just answer this for me, please. Did I screw this up?"

"Is that your way of asking me how I feel about you?"

"Yes," she said, biting her lip.

"My feelings for you have not altered. This would not have hurt if they had." He brushed a strand of hair off her face, "I do not pretend to know what will happen, but I believe we should follow what you decided the other night and simply take it slowly."

Her eyes filled with tears again as she realized that she still had her Sayid, but their relationship was going to be different now. She would figure out a way to make it up to him. Somehow she would make everything right with him.

As they walked back to camp, Shannon anticipated that in time things would be better, maybe even back to the way they were before, but she had no expectations about their relationship, only hopes.

THE END