Gradually, I became aware of my surroundings. I was in my bunk aboard the Hawk. I woke slowly, marveling that I had been able to fall asleep at all, let alone so soundly. Last night's fight was spectacular—our worst one yet. We had been arguing more and more since my memories began to return, but this one…the ferocity forced even Bastila to slink off-ship this time. I sighed heavily.
"Hey beautiful, about time you got up."
I stiffened slightly, caught off-guard. Why hadn't I noticed he was here? Maybe I was too accustomed to his presence…but even so, I should have known he would have been nearby, waiting. I took a deep steadying breath. I knew what had to be done, and I was not looking forward to it.
"Carth, we need to talk," I intoned flatly. My back still to him, I pushed up from the bed. I paused, then swung my legs around, resting my bare feet on the floor as I settled on the edge of the bunk. I lifted my gaze; Carth was seated on a footlocker against the far bulkhead across from me. His face was a tortured mix of relief and worry; glad I wished to speak with him, but concerned by the topic.
"If you're ready, then so am I," he breathed. Uncertainty in his tone betrayed his words.
"This ends now, Carth." My voice was stern and steady, but inside I was quaking uncontrollably. This was it; no more pretending, no more going through the motions. I was tired of fighting, and after last night I finally understood what it was we were really arguing about. I would not allow either of us to look the other way any longer. This was the last chance; if he wasn't ready, ready to let go, then I would. My path would be set by this, regardless of what I wanted.
"I'm all for that," he began. "Look, I don't want to fight anymore. I love you, you know that, right?" His voice was a husky whisper.
"If you need to ask, you know what the answer is." There was more heat and anger in my response than I anticipated coming forth. Carth winced and hung his head. "Do you love Revan…me? I know you care for the woman the council made, that false…" I could not continue. I was still struggling to comprehend it myself, even now, months after the truth was revealed. I pushed these thoughts aside—this was not about me, not this time.
"I told you I cannot hate you!" he blurted quickly.
"That was before, Carth…before I remembered. It was easy to dismiss and ignore my past when it was lost. But now…Revan is here, all of her, Carth; still want to put a blaster to my head?" Carth twitched as he heard the angry spiteful words he used so long ago.
"Don't throw that back at me!" he sputtered. "The situation is changed…I am changed. I was a different man then, hell-bent on revenge. That's done, over. It is all different now," he rambled.
"Is it…are you? Then tell, me, which Carth was it last night, accusing me of stealing his past?" His eyes darted quickly away. In an angry jerk he pulled himself up and paced a few steps. He raked both hands through his dark hair and stared at the ceiling, breathing deep and hard. He seemed to struggle to speak, but remained silent. I could sense that shroud wrapping tightly around him; the secret shame and guilt he kept close. That last wall, the prison he kept himself in, away from everyone, everything…away from me.
Yes, this was the key—the way to finally unlock that last door. He was different; he had come so far from the man I met on Taris. But his journey was not complete. I always sensed there was something more, something else holding him back. Until last night, I was at a loss as to how it could be drawn out and confronted. It was hidden, deep, but I knew the path now. I couldn't even remember how the argument began, or what it was about. At some point, in total frustration, I announced that I had had enough, and I would be packing my things in the morning to return to the Temple; I would renew my oath and vow to uphold the Jedi Code and submit to the will of the Council. He was momentarily stunned to silence, shock and dismay creeping across his face.
"You're serious," he muttered at last.
"This surprises you? Look, I don't need this, I don't need the endless fighting, and you watching me constantly, waiting for the first sign that I will…" My voice trailed. I took a deep calming breath. "I was Revan, Jedi Knight Revan, before I was Darth Revan, Lord of the Sith…yes, I said it!" I snarled at his expression of horrified surprise. We deliberately avoided the subject, but I could tell it was ever on his mind despite what his words told me. "I have a choice, independent of what the Council did to me, what they wanted me to do. I remember both, Carth, but you presume I will choose the shadow again…why? It is as if you expect it to happen, like you want me to fall to the dark side."
"That's not…no!" he blurted, his eyes wide in astonishment.
"Really? Your actions speak otherwise. You do not support me, you suspect me. I do not need to be under your watch—the Council will do nicely." I turned to leave.
"Don't…" was all he managed to say. I spun back furiously towards him.
"Why not? I have no reason to stay, not any more. When I look at you, I am reminded of nothing but pain and your hollow promises to protect me…to love me," I growled.
"And when I look at you," he shouted back, then paused as he fumbled for the words. "When are you going to stop punishing me? You are just going to leave, just like that? Take my future away, after stealing my past too?" Now it was I who stood there, eyes wide in shock. My mouth hung open a moment before I snapped it shut. This time when I turned, I would not be stopped. As I left him, his futile pleading echoed behind me. He never even called me by name.
"It has all been a lie, all this time," I whispered sadly as he continued to stand in solemn silence. "After we found out, you said you couldn't hate me, you didn't blame me….but last night, unguarded truth was laid bare. You hold Revan responsible, still. Why, Carth? Tell me, why do you blame me for Telos?" Carth slumped at the words, then stiffened and paced a bit, all the while keeping his face from me.
"I don't," he mumbled at the wall.
"You do, or at least you want to," I observed. "Is that why you look to my fall, to have someone to blame?"
"NO!" he yelped as he looked to me. His face was twisted in remorse and anguish. He curled his hand into a fist, raised slightly as if to punch something, anything. With nothing in reach, the anger drained away and he dropped his arm uselessly at his side. He moved back to the footlocker and threw himself down to it. He folded forward, his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands.
"Are you trying to convince me, or yourself?"
"Leave it," he growled.
"As you have done, all these years? Denying it, hiding it…. what has that accomplished? Let it go, Carth." I paused, afraid of the words I had to say next. "Let it go, or…or I must go." His head shot up, wounded eyes boring into me. "Choose, Carth, there isn't room enough in your heart for both." There, it was done. I had opened the door…it was now up to him to walk out, break free of his prison. Which was more dear to him, me or his secret? I held my breath as I waited to find out.
With one single, fluid movement, his hand first stroked his chin, then moved along his jaw and back around to his neck. "You are the most damned persistent woman…" he tried to smile.
"Not charming your way outta this one, flyboy," I said lightly, as if to show him I was the better choice.
"Why don't you just do that Jedi thing, look around in my mind…"
I briefly looked at him in disappointed annoyance before lowering my head with a deep sigh. I slid from the bunk and moved towards my locker. "If you will not be serious, then there is nothing more here for me. We cannot find our future with you looking to the past."
"Hey, wait, I mean, you want to know, so…" Carth returned quickly.
"No, Carth, I don't want to know your secret!" I nearly yelled at him. "I want you to give it up, release it, be free of it. Don't you understand?" I looked at him, and I could see he was resisting. "What good is it for me to know what you are hiding if you still hold it between us? That will not bring you peace. I cannot take this from you…." I explained. "I just cant take it, this, anymore," I whispered. "Which is good, I suppose, since obviously you have nothing more to give." There was silence, nothing. His choice was made. My shoulders slumped a little more as I resumed my movement towards my locker.
"My wife," he said gingerly. His voice was thin, small almost. I turned back to him; he was again leaning forward, bent in half, his hands dangling over his knees. He did not look up at me, his eyes were fixed on the floor…no, on the past. I sensed the wall crumbling; at last, he would be honest, to me, to himself. I went back to the bunk and sat patiently, watching him fight for the right words. Almost five years of hatred, denial, guilt…. I knew what he was struggling against. "I remember when I first saw her. She wasn't from Telos, just passing through on her way back to Corellia, her home world. I managed to convince her to stay, with me," he said with a warm smile as he remembered. "And then I turned right around and left for the war. She didn't want to remain on Telos, it wasn't her home without me, she said. I begged her to stay; I wanted our son to know my world, to grow up there. I promised I would be back soon. But the war dragged on, the Mandalorians were too much for us. Then you and Malak showed up; you took control, given total command of the fleet, and a third of the ships! I was angry at first, I could not believe a couple of Jedi would be allowed to stroll in and the Republic handed over the keys so quickly. But when the tide turned, I was grateful; within a year, the war was over and I was back home, as I had promised." He looked around the room, pausing briefly to stare through the window past my bunk. "But then…."
"Then we returned as Sith," I whispered as I looked at my feet.
"Yeah," he breathed flatly. "And I re-enlisted. Now that was a fight!" he chuckled a bit, then darkened again. "Our last fight. She did not want me to leave again. I told her it was for our future, so she and Dustil could live free of Sith cruelty. She wanted to go back to Corellia, where she said she'd feel safe." The words seemed to catch in his throat. "I told her it was safe on Telos, far away from the frontlines with nothing to offer the Sith. Corellia had shipyards—it would be a target; but Telos was nothing and no one would send a second glance in our direction." He bolted up and slammed himself back against the bulkhead. "If I'd just let her go, like she wanted…" His eyes were unfocused, looking at what might have been.
"Carth, you had no way of knowing," I offered. It was useless for me to tell him how it all came to pass; it would do nothing, except sound as if I were trying to absolve myself. If anything, my feeble explanation would fuel his anger and deepen his despair to know just how pointless the attack had been.
"I forced her to stay there; I put her in Saul's sights. I might as well have pulled the trigger!"
"Don't blame yourself, let it go, Carth," I counseled. I ached to rush to him and give him comfort; his emotions were raw, these memories and thoughts painful. No wonder he locked them away, refused to look at them. But he had to deal with this burden now, in his own way.
"I was there, I could have stopped it! Saul was trying to recruit me, but I was too stupid to realize it. I was given the opportunity to end it all before it even started, but I failed. My wife and son, all of Telos paid the price," he growled. "Guess that's why killing Saul didn't give me the peace I thought it would," he muttered. "And then I tried to blame you and Malak…I was just trying to avoid my own guilt for making her stay there…for being the reason she was on Telos in the first place," he sighed. I sensed a calm begin to trickle through him. It was as if a poison were leaving his system. Peace, true peace, something I had never known in him until this moment. "It feels good to just say it out loud," he said looking at me. "I don't know if I could have faced that before, or ever, without you."
"Thank you," I choked, tears welling in my eyes.
"Thank me? You helped me through this, through it all. You didn't give up on me."
"Thank you for letting me help you," I explained. The revelation was harder on me than him; it was a glimpse into just one of the lives I had destroyed by falling to the dark side. If I had resisted, listened to the Council…. It was bittersweet to realize I would have never met Carth; he would still be a happily married man on a pristine Telos, his son at his side, and perhaps more children to call him father? Easing him through his anger and hatred was small recompense for what I had caused him to lose. "I am sorry," I offered weakly.
"No, I mean," he stammered. "I don't blame you; sure, I wanted to, but I can't, not anymore. It was a time of war; no place was safe. I deluded myself into thinking my home world was immune. And you weren't there, it wasn't your command…"
"But it was done in my name!" I yelled, cutting him off. "I went down the wrong path, and I dragged others with me…" I leapt from the bed and faced the wall away from him.
"Let me help you," he pleaded. "Like you have helped me. I promised to protect you, I still want to." His words caught me off-guard.
"Carth, how can you…I chose the dark side, I didn't fall! Look what I did as a result! There is no excuse…" My words trailed away.
"I understand," he said with frustration. "Look, I was on the same path; I wanted to die, and take Saul with me. I had the same thoughts, the same feelings. Difference is I'm no Jedi, no special powers, no abilities…"
"No way to destroy the universe?" I interrupted. He almost smiled.
"Yeah, but that wasn't the only thing that stopped me: I had someone on my side, someone strong enough to be there for me: you. It couldn't be just dumb luck that we ran into each other—it has to be the Force. We've both been given a second chance, to heal, to live, together."
"You make it sound so simple, Carth. How can I be rewarded with any happiness, after what I've done?"
"Jolee said it is the Jedi way to punish yourself for the evil of the universe…" he muttered.
"This is MY evil, Carth, I did it all, to so many, for nothing…"
"So, you are the worst monster ever in history, is that it? Pretty presumptuous, sounds like you are proud of it." I nearly gasped out loud as I heard his dismissal. How could he even say that? I spun towards him, my eyes wide, my mouth hung open in shock. His features were still soft and inviting, not hardened and angered. I pulled my lips tightly together as I realized his trick.
"Nice try," I said sharply. "No, I don't claim to be the worst tyrant ever. But I did enough. I don't deserve…"
"What about me, then?" he shouted. "Why don't I deserve happiness? I can't be happy without you." The words took my breath away. He had earned a peaceful life, and I was still keeping it from him. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him again.
"No fair," I said sheepishly. He had me, he knew it. "That was a cheap shot!" I protested.
"Accept your punishment then," he said with a sly grin. There was no hesitation as he closed the distance between us and wrapped his arms around me. I melted to him, pressing close as I returned the embrace. I buried my face against his chest; I just could not describe how it felt to finally be in his arms. "Looks like you are sentenced to a lifetime with me."
"A grisly fate, indeed," I deadpanned dryly. He gurgled a shocked protest before breaking into a full laugh.
"You are something, ya know that?" he said as he began to rub my back. I smiled up at him. We held onto each other as we both let go; the past was slipping away, the future, our future, was now ahead of us.