A/N: Yea! Chapter 2! Everybody rejoices! Except for maybe Ed.
Disclaimer: I do not own FMA, much to my chagrin and the rejoicing of the anime community at large.
Warnings: Ed's characteristic swearing, blatant Roy/Ed undertones I didn't even try to hide…
Monday
Dear Diary,
My name is Edward Elric. I am six feet tall. I am. Really. When you hold my braid above my head…
Yeah, so Sparkles Armstrong pranced into the dorm this morning at 6:00AM, all sparkles and shirtless-ness and told me I had to take a psychological exam. I told him to analyze the fact that I have an extreme aversion to hulking, mostly bald men who come into my room at ungodly hours of the morning after I get back from a mission in the middle of the night to ask me stupid questions about my damn emotional state that aren't any of his damn business ANYWAY!
I would have gone on, but I had to stop to breathe while Sparkles took the opportunity to ask me how I feel when that happens. I tried to demonstrate, but he wouldn't let me stab him in the eye.
So now I have to keep a diary.
Hence, the reason I am writing.
He told me to talk about my "height complex," and then, if I'm not too busy, to discuss my feelings of revulsion toward milk and how my refusal to drink calcium rises from a subconscious fear of growing and thus having no reason to be angry at a certain Flame Alchemist for his insulting size comments. I would then, of course, be compelled to face my "true feelings" toward said alchemist.
There is no reply to that.
I'm going to go doodle on my mission report.
I actually need to write my mission report.
Ow! I just got a sparkle in my eye!
The Great Edward Elric
Tuesday
Dear Diary,
Perfectly lovely morning involving sleep and dreams of Sparky (a.k.a. Stupid Roy Mustang) tied down and moaning before me interrupted when…
Wait.
I HAD A DREAM ABOUT ROY MUSTANG TIED DOWN AND MOANING BEFORE ME!
Oh I know! I must have been torturing him! Yeah… that's it! Huh, wish I remembered the part of the dream where I actually tortured him…heh.
Okay, where was I? Oh yeah.
Was enjoying wonderful dream when Al suddenly came back from his "special mission" in Sparky's office and immediately caused all metal objects in the room (including ME) to fly off the floor or walls or shelves (or BED) and stick to his armor.
I knew immediately that Mustang was at fault. Not sure how, but he is.
Was still struggling to escape from an extremely magnetized Al when Havoc dropped by to see what all the racket was and found Al and me in a VERY compromising position on the floor and wandered off muttering something about not wanting to ask and how exactly we could do anything when Al's a giant suit of armor…
Ew! He's my BROTHER! You sicko!
Besides, even if Al WASN'T a giant suit of armor AND my brother (which he IS) I don't go for the blondish types. I like 'em darker and mysterious.
I'd better go write that mission report for tomorrow.
Wonder why that made me think of my mission report…
The Indomitable Edward Elric
Wednesday
Dear Diary,
Number of times Sparky called me short: 31
Number of times Sparky implied I am short: 19
Number of times Sparky pulled my hair: 12
…
Pulled my hair?
Why is Sparky all touchy-feely all of a sudden? I mean he's never pulled my hair before. It was really distracting. I almost forgot to pay him back for the incident with Al.
It was then that I realized allowing Sparky to pull my hair put us very close together. This allowed me to cause much more damage to his person and desk than usual. Result of desk/fish sticks transfiguration was most satisfactory.
Sparky: 52
Me: 1
Ha! I'm catching up
Have decided that may have to allow Sparky to pull my hair more often in the future.
It's totally a strategy. Not like I like it or anything.
The Victorious Edward Elric
Thursday
Dear Diary,
Things are getting really weird around here. I think I need to go on another mission. For example:
I was in the library this morning, minding my own damn business, and everything was perfectly fine, when Sparky busted in dragging both Havoc and Fury by the ears yelling, "You can't hide it any longer. You must give in to your feelings and admit the truth! I shall help you today, and you will remember this when I am Fuhrer, and you will bow before me in admiration and remember the day I helped you, and be my loyal vassals for all time!"
Don't know. Don't care.
Now there are weird scuffling noises coming from the closet outside Sparky's office… and barking noises from the basement stairs.
I'm going to go lock the library door and do some hard-core research. The sooner I figure out the Philosopher's Stone and leave this place forever, the better.
The Supreme Edward Elric
Friday
Dear Diary,
Caught Roy slipping two beef sandwiches and a bar of chocolate under the door of the hall closet this morning. Have concluded he has finally gone insane and is now worshipping fire elementals and making sacrifices to them hoping that he will be Fuhrer sooner.
Idiot.
It's too bad, really. He's so busy with this cult stuff that he hasn't pulled my hair in days.
I only regret this because it means I haven't been given the opportunity to wreak more havoc on his person close-range.
Speaking of Havoc…
Where is he? Fury's gone, too. And Hawkeye isn't even pretending to do work while she writes her love letters.
Who's the teenager around here? Jeez.
That's it. I'm leaving. If they don't have to do work, neither do I!
The Magnificent Edward Elric
Fin
Well, that's part two. Sorry if you read, write, or like Elricest, but I had to put my two cents in about it (oh jeez, now I only have 8 cents and some lint to my name…) because I just…don't like it. Not that that should stop you if you do!
Thank you to inuyashasluv2468, Fireanice, KDA, ShinigamiZero16, sharp23, kori hime,and Spades 44 for some awesome reviews and a huge self confidence boost as this is only the second fanfic I have written EVER. The first was a rather sad one and I am so happy to be doing humor. And if I missed yours, I'll make it up.
And Spades…I didn't say it was definitely Havoc in the mini…Oh, and here's your Roy/Ed. By the way, I've reviewed a bunch of your stuff. It's probably unsigned under "kim." Ohhh, now you know my uber-secret identity!