Disclaimer: FMA is still not mine. Shocker. Oh, and this story is in no way meant to make size 2 people or those who enjoy wearing clothes of the opposite gender feel uncomfortable or unloved. It's all in good fun!

Warnings: Uh, I don't know too much about the Sins, but I came across part of the manga where Lust says something to the effect of, "We have to get this information back to Father." One thing leads to another and…you get this. I'm… sorry.

Monday
Dear Diary,

Lust always has such pretty things. It's because she's such a Daddy's girl. "Daddy, I want that dress." "Daddy, I want a man-slave." "Daddy, buy me that whip and collar set I've wanted since my 16th birthday." And then she puts on her uber-sexy pouty face and bats her eyelashes and starts breathing suggestively…

And he gives it to her.

And it makes me so freakin' jealous! Surprise. I'm only the embodiment of Envy, after all. Welcome to my life.

But this isn't even my fault. The last gift I got from our beloved Father was a pair of her worn out fishnet stockings she used to wear when they were all in vogue. He told me to go play like a nice boy while he took Lust out for a little "together time" at his favorite slum downtown. I wish I had one of those good fathers who like all their kids and take them to baseball games and circuses and public executions and stuff.

On the plus side, the fishnets started a whole chain of events and now I have a super awesome transgender complex that leads me to wear minis and halter tops and make the best fashion statement EVER.

It's really the only thing I can call my own.

But now I'm starting to like Greed's furry little sleeveless…thing. I think I'd rather have that.

So, anyway, Father's latest present to his "favorite little sexy sin," was a diary.

I can have one of those, too.

But I still like her's better. Hers is pink and furry and sparkly and says "bad gurlz" on it and comes with a matching pen. Mine's just some random notebook I found in an alley somewhere.

And you wonder why I am like I am.

Envy

Tuesday
Dear Diary,

Decided to spend day lurking around military HQ as can no longer cope with Father's obvious favoritism. Needed a change of pace.

Resolved to check on pint-sized alchemist and see if I could spot any major weaknesses that I could relay to Father in exchange for a little appreciation once in a while. Immediately wished I hadn't as found him and large metal brother in rather compromising position on the floor of dorm surrounded by metal instruments while the tall blonde male with spiky hair stood by watching.

Wish I had a large metal brother. But not for those purposes.

Was forced to leave kinky Elricest behind and follow tall blonde, as that was just way too weird for me. Thought perhaps he would lead me to Flame Alchemist, but no such luck. Did find out through observation, however, that tall blonde has a rather amusing and blatantly obvious crush on smallish, dark-haired officer with glasses. Well, obvious to everyone but them. Flame should really attend to that problem. Can't have underlings pining away in angst under your command.

Wish I someone to pine over.

Finally made my way into Flame's office and was dejected to find him gone. Brief search of desk was most rewarding, however, as found numerous dark blue mini-skirts in the left hand drawer. Makes me wonder what Flame actually does in his spare time.

Had to try them on, of course, as cannot let new fashion statement opportunity go by, but found shoddily made minis still had pins in them. Pins which were now in me.

And the waist is too tight. What, does this guy think everybody's a beeping size 2? What about all the real-sized people? Don't we deserve a little love?

Meh. Whatever. Blue's not my color anyway.

Envy

Wednesday
Dear Diary,

It's so hard to find good companionship around here.

Had a good game of strip poker going with Lust and Greed until Gluttony came rolling in and said he wanted to play, too. Had to let him because Lust told us to. She was all like, "What would Daddy say if he found us all fighting and not playing nice? You don't want him mad at us do you?"

Was worried that I was going to be subjected to a viewing of naked Gluttony (because everyone knows he's too dumb to tell a full house from a lost cause even with Lust standing over his shoulder and spelling it out for him) but game ended after two hands when we realized he'd been eating all the cards.

Lust went to make out in the corner with this week's fiancée. She goes through 'em like there's no tomorrow, I swear. And every time it's the same thing. "Oh, he's the love of my life. We're going to get married and have little sin babies and be so happy together!" And then she gets bored or finds out he's gay or married or cheating and dumps him for the next sexy hunk of man-flesh to come along. Actually, some of them aren't even that sexy. She doesn't really have very high standards.

Anyway, Greed took off after that to go visit his harem and Gluttony is no one I feel the need to spend any amount of one-on-one time with, so here I am. With my diary. And nothing else.

My life is so sad.

Envy

Thursday
Dear Diary,

Was most pleased to find the following upon return visit to military HQ: tall blonde and smallish brunette with glasses locked in closet together.

There's something poetic about this. This must be Flame's handiwork. No one else would show such wanton disrespect for the privacy of his underling's love lives and think he was doing them a favor. Am very glad he finally got his act together and took a stand, though. It's not about doing them a favor; it's about doing the rest of us a favor. I mean, even I was getting tired of the loaded looks and nervousness and aborted conversations and I don't even work here.

I don't really work at all, come to think of it.

I wish I could just get a job like normal people. I think maybe I'd make a good Fuhrer. I mean, then I'd have everything, and I could stop being all envious all the time and maybe do something with my life. And maybe then Father would appreciate me, and stop doting on stupid Lust, who's never done more work for him than she absolutely had to ever, while I'm out here slaving away trying to gather information for him.

This has made me all depressed. Maybe I should get a haircut. I mean, these dreds have been out of style since Lust stopped wearing fishnets.

And she'd kill me if I told you how long ago that was. Women are so weird about their ages.

Envy

Friday
Dear Diary,

Spent a rather enjoyable day sneaking around the HQ (what, do I live here now?) finding random things to slip under door to annoy tall blonde and his boyfriend who are STILL in the closet. What could they possibly be doing for 24 hours? Was slightly disappointed to find that snakes and rats didn't cause the commotion I'd hoped. Apparently the small one likes them as pets and the blonde has some rather outlandish culinary tastes.

All was well again when I found the spiders. Was able to listen to some very interesting squeaks and stifled screams when I let those babies loose on the floor. Funny throat noises were followed by easily recognizable sounds of things falling off shelves and onto heads. Felt very evil and genius-like.

I'm not the only one slipping them stuff, either. Caught Flame shoving two beef sandwiches and a chocolate bar beneath the door while a very confused and harried-looking Fullmetal tried not to be noticed backing away in the other direction.

Flame's too soft. If they haven't confessed yet, he needs to up the ante by withholding rations. Of course, he may have thought the chocolate would be enough since Lust tells me it has certain aphrodisiac properties…

Oh well. Not my problem.

Hey, look at that. Flame went home for the weekend without unlocking the closet. Well I, for one, am in no mood to remind him. Heh. Guess I have those guys all to myself for TWO WHOLE DAYS!

Whooppee!

Envy

FIN