A/N: Oh god. I was looking through the other chapters at what I wrote of Hawkeye and went, "Ewwww…that's not Hawkeye! " So, I came up with this. Still not Hawkeye. Watch out or you might fall into the huge gaping CRACK! I think I crossed a line here…does anyone read this? Or am I just talking to make noise?
Warnings: crack, ass-less chaps, short-shorts
Disclaimer: no es mï
Monday
Dear Diary,
I swear to God I am the only straight person in this building.
First Sparkles comes in and interrupts my paperwork with all this touchy-feely nonsense about discovering my true emotions and coming to terms with being the one side of a one-sided love and how it's easy to love the Colonel and everybody's had a crush on him at some point and how I really should just leave him to Fullmetal because if I love him I'll let him go…
I agreed to keep a diary to get him to shut up.
Which he did.
With the help of Bertha.
Oh yeah, Bertha's my gun. We're good friends. We go way back. She's always been there for me, ya know? She never talks back and always understands the need for good discipline and never distracts me from my paperwork…
What?
Oh yeah.
Then there's Havoc and Fury. Someone needs to just lock them in a closet together or something; this is getting rather ridiculous. Fury does okay but Havoc has ceased to function entirely and is no longer even trying to get his paperwork done. I don't think he even noticed when I waved Bertha suggestively in the direction of the stack of papers that is threatening to eat his desk.
Falman and Breda are hard to read, but I have my suspicions about them, too. Caught Breda with his head in a Playgirl magazine last week, and who knows what's going on in Falman's head? I don't think I've ever heard him say anything other than a definition, and no manly man I know reads that much.
Maes has a wife. Which just confuses me.
Then there's Roy. And Fullmetal. And denial you can taste. Or maybe that's just Armstrong's sparkles still hanging around in the air.
And it's all really too bad because Roy is rather studly. Wait, that's beside the point.
Anyway, I have my plans for Roy and his rugged, uncombed manliness. Fullmetal doesn't know who he's up against.
MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAachkcoughcough Damn sparkles!
Hawkeye
Tuesday
Dear Diary,
Okay, phase one of myuber-secret-really-important-insanely-evil-and-insane planiscomplete. Roy thinks I am head over heels in love with him. He knows I am the one who has been sending him those anonymous love letters in his paperwork.
Of course, I did kind of spell it out for him when I made sure he saw me writing Riza loves Roy on my diary during lunch. Really, if he wants to be Fuhrer, he is going to need slightly stronger powers of deduction.
But that's why I'm here.
So I know that Roy knows. And he knows thatI know that he knows because he came in here about an hour ago and chewed me out for being "unprofessional and scary in the workplace" and for "setting a bad example" for all the other young women who pine after him and how "at least they all have the decency to do it in secret" and that he likes blondes but he doesn't really go for "manly women."
Yeah, he just goes for the girly men. coughedwardelriccough
Who said that?
And I'M NOT MANLY!
But what Roy doesn't know is that it's all part of the plan.
See, he has a really tragic flaw: egotism. He'll keep me around because he can't stand the thought of losing a subordinate so completely and thoroughly under his spell.
And so when he becomes Fuhrer, I'll be right there.
And we all know there are no successful men without some very special women in the background.
And in the background I will stay, until the time comes for me to take some power of my own! And then I will be Fuhrer! And all shall bow before me and Bertha! And I shall fire all my female subordinates! And all men of the army shall wear short-shorts! And all will be well in the world!
And I won't even have to do the work to get to the top because Roy will do it for me, as long as I stay his close second.
Maybe I'll even keep Roy on as my butler or something. After all, I will need something pretty to look at and he'd look mighty nice in these new uniforms I've got in mind. And I really don't want to have to kill him. I'm sure he'll surrender if Bertha and me put it to him nicely. Yes. I think we can save Roy and his washboard abs.
And I won't even be unreasonable like Roy would. He'd make every girl wear mini-skirts before he was done, whether they flattered her or not.
I, in my benevolence, will realize some guys just aren't cut out for short shorts.
They can always wear ass-less chaps instead if they really want to.
Hawkeye
Wednesday
Dear Diary,
Blast! Edward Elric has unwittingly foiled phase two of my uber-secret-really-important-insanely-evil-and-insane plan! Phase two is now a pile of microwaveable fishsticks!
Grrr… if he had to transmute all my hard work into food, couldn't he have at least chosen something less…smelly?
And guess who Roy immediately called to clean it up. Yeah. Me. Luckily I could delegate that particular dutyto Fury who chose that moment to come out of his hiding spot.
But all that hard work! It's hard to counterfeit the Fuhrer's signature on a fake document ordering all officers of the military to find wives to repudiate all the rumors about fraternizing and friends with benefits that have been going around lately.
It's not that I want to marry him (although…I wouldn't complain). It's just that it would make my takeover that much easier.
Sigh. Now I have to start all over again.
And honestly, Roy is so careless. He hides his mini-skirt prototypes in the hall closet where just anyone can get to them. At least I hide my uniform ideas in my underwear drawer at home. Black Hayate would kill anyone who looks in there.
All he has to guard the minis in the closet are some rats Fury neglected to take care of.
Do you think he'd like me in a mini? Maybe it would convince him that girls aren't yucky with cooties.
What am I saying?
Hawkeye
Thursday
Dear Diary,
Something's up.
Havoc and Fury have disappeared completely and Roy's all smiley. Ed's been walking around like he's being hunted and I haven't seen Black Hayate since last night. Paperwork is backing up and I haven't had time to re-implement phase two.
I'm actually thinking of scraping phase two. I don't think he'd ever really fall for it. He might not even notice it; he could just randomly sign it like he does all the other papers while he daydreams about Edward Elric.
What does that shrimp have that I don't?
The only problem is, I don't have a plan B and I can't move on to phase three because…I haven't thought of it yet.
I feel a huge sulk coming on.
Maybe I'll go write Riza and Roy on the cover of my journal some more. That always makes me feel better.
Gotta keep up appearances!
Hawkeye
Friday
Dear Diary,
Oh. My. God.
I am so…scarred right now.
I am so scarred I can't even articulate to you what made me scarred.
I just thought it would be fun for me and Bertha to steal Armstrong's diary and see what was going on in that huge bald head of his. I mean, if he gets to psychoanalyze us, at least we should get to see into some of his psyche.
I never want to see that much of Armstrong's psyche again. sob. It was scary.
I mean, how could it even work between them? It's long distance! And he's so…and she's so…and the whole thing is just so…
Well, at least I'm not the only straight one in the building, right? Heh.
Roy, I'm so sorry! I'll never plot against you again if you just MAKE THE PAIN STOP!
Maybe I'll write him a letter.
Once my brain revives from the shock.
If it does.
Roy! I need a hug!
Hawkeye
A/N: Meh. I feel these are getting less and less funny as I go. And sorry for Riza's obnoxiously vague Friday entry, but all will be made clear in Armstrong's diary. Which is next. Okay! Reviews!
Geraniums: Thank ye. I love the closet scene, too. It just makes for the most random situations.
Demon Darkchild: Here's your Hawkeye! I hope it pleases you. Sorry I turned her into a…ahem…PSYCHO, but at least she's not the lovesick damsel I made her out to be in the other chappies…
Patsy: Oh, more are coming.
Anime Monster: A second week? I guess I could be persuaded…
FlameBreak: Glad you love. Love is cool.
Shale 101: Thankies!
Rage Aomori: Hope you're still cackling after this…and Armstrong's…I'm gonna get mauled for it…winks
Kallia: The inner fangirls must be nurtured! They cannot be ignored! MWAHAHA!
Plushie Bandit: I love your reviews. Did I say that already? Well I do. And I'm glad it's finally stopped smelling like smoke in here. And all the squirrels and rabbits and whatnot really do make some good conversation! glomps Fury plushie These keep you alive, huh? bows
Linwe Jaganshi: You mean the Very Secret Diaries by Cassie Claire! OMG I love those! And I love LOTR! Sigh. I think hers are better, though. I tend to run on.
Reign-of-Dreams: Yeah! Thank you, I work hard to make them all work together. I've reread them so many times I'm not sure why they're funny anymore…
Icy Tears: Hm…I think Scar's could be hilarious…thinking
Chaos of Hearts: Hehe. No such thing as too much fun!
WinryRockbell: Whew, I was worried it might freeze that way. Good. Glad you can read without harming your facial features.
Goddessofthewaters: thanks!
Super Banzai: Doesn't a magnetized Al put the funniest pictures into your head?
Dominus: looks up Well, heh, Armstrong can't come last now…but hey, I gave you Riza!
Kori hime: coherency is highly overrated.
Oh lordy, I just love reviews! 66 for 5 chapters as of right now! dies happy