Author: Female Shinigami
Title: The new version of Harry Potter.
Rated:PG-13 (Really, I don't know! Maby it should be rated R? Oh, fuck it!)
Parings: Well… Ekhem… That will be… (just don't kill me… please?) 1: HP/SS; 2: HP/TR, RH/AD; 3: HP/SB, RL/SS, SB/SS, SB/JP/RL; 4: HP/RW; 5: HP/DM; 6: HP/DM and Andy says that there should be an NL/SS in it…
A/N: Ok. I know I'm sick, you don't have to tell me! I just thought – after reading HP for the, I don't know… 6 time? – that some of the things in this book are not right! Rowling got it all wrong! Those are the right things! Ok, ok… I'm only joking… It probably wont even be funny… I'm not funny – I'm pathetic. At least, that's what I think. This is the first thing that I post for HP, but there will be more. Probably not in English, but Polish. And one more thing… I'm looking for a beta reader for Gundam Wing and Harry Potter in English. I'm from Poland, and I do make lots of mistakes. If there's anyone, who would like to be one… I will be very happy! Now go and read that crap I written on a stormy night, getting inspiration from a pink vibrator… Uups! Wrong story! Ehehe…
Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue, not making any profit. I'm just playing with them a little…
1 – 'I am a Squib'
RH: You're a wizard Harry…
HP: I'm… I'm a what?
RH: A wizard.
HP: Are you nuts! I'm not a wizard! I'm probably a Squib!
RH: How do you know what a Squib is! And why do you think you are one!
HP: Oh, you should have seen one of my potions…
RH: POTION! YOU know how to make them!
HP: How am I not suppose to know, if the all mighty Potions Master1 - Severus Snape, is my lover!
RH: How come you know professor Snape!
HP: Oh, he just dropped by at the Dursley's one day, said something about wanting to see if James's son was as sexy as his father, and then just… um… well, he decided I was better than him.
1 I'm sure he wanted to say " The almighty Sex-God – Severus Snare" but had bitten his tongue in time. He knows it's not wise to say that about Sev.
2 – 'What's so surprising about that?'
RH: You're a wizard Harry…
HP: I'm a what?
RH: A wizard.
HP: Oh, right. I just thought I heard something else.
RH: You're not surprised?
HP: Oh, no. I already knew about it.
RH: How can that be?
HP: Tom told me.
RH: Who's Tom?
HP: Ahh… A friend from childhood. Well, actually, we didn't like each other at first. The truth is that he tried to kill me but didn't manage, and after that he tried again, but when he saw me he thought I was cute, so he spared my life and took me to his manor. After some time we became friends, and umm… finally lovers, and he, with a little help from my blood, managed to recover, and now he's hiding, because, ahh… some people don't quite like him, one of them has a long white beard , and is a director of some kind. Tom once told me his name… something-'car' or 'bus' and he had a 'window'… no, a 'door' in his surname…
RH?
HP: Well, he actually doesn't use his name that often at all. He uses a nick, but I don't like it. Only his servants and meaningless people call him that. I call him Tom.
RH: He isn't named Riddle, by a chance, is he?
HP: Well, yes he is. Funny isn't it?
RH! shock
HP: Well, I'll go now. I'm sure I have something scheduled for this afternoon – to kill some muggles or an Auror, I'm not sure, but something just reminded me that I must see Tom right away. scratches his forearm Well, by! Goes away
RH! still in shock Albus is going tom kill me. Thank God we don't have a couch, or I would sleep on it for at least a year!
3 – 'Mongrel'
MW: His not James, Sirius!
SB: I know! He gives better heads, and I don't have to shear him with Remus…
MW!
SB: No… That ol' mongrel got himself a Potion Master… Big deal! I was in Azkaban, and he was working at school with him!
4 – "The scar matter"
RW: Do you realy have that... scar?
HP: shows his scar
RW: 'Way, kid!
HP: Oh, I have a better one on my back. My cousin was trying to play golf with my balls, but he is so fat and clumsy that he missed and hit me on my back instead...
RW: I to have some scars! One on my arm, where my brothers dragon bitten me, one on the back of my head where I was hit by a bludger, and I have that one that looks like a broom on my ass!
HP: I'll especially enjoy seeing that one...
RW: You'll have a chance in the showers.
HP: I'll make sure to have it.
5 – "Hidden meanings"
DM: I'm Malfoy. Draco Malfoy.
HP: Oh, fuck off Malfoy. Draco Malfoy! I don't do friendly fucks.
DM: Who said it had to be friendly?
HP: In that case lead the way to a bedroom, or are we going to practice exhibitionism?
6 – "Why did the Sorting Hat put Harry in Gryffindor?"
SH: Yes, you would do good in Slytherin.
HP: No! Not Slytherin! Where's the thrill of having sex with Draco if we are in the same House?
SH: You want some thrill? In that case... GRYFFINDOR!
HP: You're evil!
SH: Where did you get the impression I'm not? I did put Neville in your House, after all...
TBC… maybe…
HP: Nooooooo…!
SS&DM&SB: Yessssssssssssss…!