Hello Everybody! I'm back!
Warning: This chapter contains dark and adult material! If you don't like it, well… don't read it! If you read it further: You've been warned, so don't hurt me!
Very Special Thanks To Alexia S. Luclwit For Her Help! Lot's of hugs to Alexia!
Watson's P.O.V.
I slowly walked down the stairs to find Mrs. Hudson.
When I found her she was sitting in the kitchen, sobbing. Damn! I totally forgot her! I should have calmed her after I finished with Holmes, but I didn't do so. The poor landlady was probably worrying for him, and because I didn't inform her maybe she thought that Holmes was in VERY bad conditions. I drew in a deep breath and stepped in, putting my hand on her shoulder to comfort her a bit. But before I could say a word she grabbed my hand.
"How is he, Doctor? Will he recover? You must tell me!" she asked and new tears appeared in her eyes.
"He is sleeping now. He has a very high temperature, and he was attacked, but don't be afraid, Mrs. Hudson! He is a very strong and stubborn man; he won't give it up! He'll be fine sooner than you think! Don't be afraid!
She sighted in relief and calmed herself a bit
"I'm glad to hear it! Still I'm worried! He wasn't sleeping very well in these days, you know."
"How do you know this?" I asked and a sad smile appeared on her lips
"My sleeping-room is under his, Doctor. I can hear everything that happens in that room. Before you two became my tenants, two students lived here, and well, they were young, handsome and they loved to bring girls home. So that's why it was my condition to you that no woman could come here, except of course, Mr. Holmes's clients. But for now, I wish, he was making noise with women. Sometimes I heard that he was walking up and down in his room whole night, or he was playing on his violin…" she said, looking up, and begun to sob again.
"Mrs. Hudson," I started "first of all, Holmes just needs some time to regain his strength. He hasn't been eating for days…" I couldn't finish because Mrs. Hudson lifted her head drying her tears, she rose and went to the stove.
"I think I know what he needs. Something that is not so heavy, but nutritious. Now, how was that recipe?" She asked herself and I remained silent while she was working. I couldn't help to wonder what she was cooking.
Than came the doorbell.
"I'll get it, Mrs. Hudson!" and I rushed out of the kitchen into the hall. For my great surprise, when I opened the door, nobody was there. Maybe the kids were enjoying themselves again. I slammed the door and went back to the kitchen, where very pleasant smells greeted me.
"Who was it, Doctor?" asked Mrs. Hudson.
"Nobody. Maybe the kids were playing with the doorbell."
"The second time in this week!" she said, and turned to me with a tray. On the tray there was a bowl of soup, and some bread. The soup's sight wasn't as pleasant as its smell.
"Here it is, Doctor," she said "My family's secret. Very nutritious and It's ready within an few minutes!" She said smiling proudly.
Thank you very much, Mrs. Hudson. What would I do without you?" I said and took the tray up to Holmes's room.
When I got there, I stopped for a moment in front of Holmes's door, listening carefully. I heard some moans and the other sounds of crying mixed with the sound of a flustered breath. I pushed the door open and almost dropped the tray. Holmes lay on the floor, trying to push himself up, while he was gasping for air.
I put the tray down, and knelt beside him, holding his shoulders.
"Holmes! What's happened? Are you all right? Did you hit yourself?" I asked, but he wasn't looking at me, he didn't want to look at me.
"I just wanted to go the bathroom, but, when I stood up, the room started to turn, my legs collapsed, and…" he said swallowing and looking to the floor, as if he was ashamed for something. "I didn't exactly make it there." I saw the wet stain on his night-shirt, and understood what he meant. I felt pity for him; I know very well how proud he was and how much this hurt his pride. I knew that his weakness hurts him more than the physical pain of his illness. I gently turned his face, and swept his dark hair from his eyes. His forehead was burning, yet he was shivering and tears were rolling down on his pale face.
"I'm sorry for making so much trouble, I don't …" he started, but he couldn't speak because of his tears "It's so humiliating!" He whispered, and started to sob. I pulled his head to my shoulder, and started to gently rub his back, to calm him down. But I was worried very much. The pill I gave him earlier didn't bring his fever down. The thermometer was needless, I could feel on his body that if I don't do something, he would die, or never recover fully from the damages in his health. My blood froze for the thought that the fever can make serious troubles for his heart.
"Come now!" I said when he was a bit relaxed, and tried to help him up.
"I can't." he whispered in a weak voice.
"Then hold on to my neck!" I said and put his arms around my neck, while I put my arms around his waist. I helped him to the bathroom, and undressed him.
"What are you doing?" He asked and lifted his head up to meet his feverish gaze with mine.
"You have to get washed," I said and I didn't tell him, what I really wanted to do. I helped him to the tub and opened the tap. As the water reached his shivering body, he almost jumped out of the tub in shock.
"It's cold!"
"It is! Your fever is life threateningly high, and as your doctor and friend I must do anything to bring it down. Please sit down!"
"Don't you have a considerate method? I'll freeze into death!"
"You won't. Don't be afraid," I said and pushed him back to the now almost full tub.
Holmes didn't scream, but only because his breath stuck in his lungs for a while. He was hissing and gasping for air and just then gave a high toned cry. His fingers held my arms so tight and firmly that they left little purple marks on my skin. He was fighting for a while, but finally, he gave up, and sat still. He drew up his knees and put his arms around them. He was shivering uncontrollably and his teeth were chattering. He hissed and grimaced in pain every time I touched him with the wet sponge. I had to be very careful because of his wounds, especially the one in his side.
When it was done, I got a towel and wrapped Holmes in it. He looked at me with anger for I dared to bring him in such situation, but I ignored it.
He sat down to his armchair, while I made his bed and cleaned up after his … "accident". I also got him a clean nightshirt, and helped him to bed.
Then came the next fight. It was never easy to make Holmes eat if he didn't want to, but now he was even more stubborn than ever before, as if he was taking revenge for the cold bath. With all the two hours long fight I could only force four spoons of soup down on his throat. And for my great sadness, the fever remained; though it was not so high, and this was a little success.
When we "finished" with the soup I took a syringe from my medical bag.
"What do you want with that?" He asked as if I was holding a knife in my hand. Knowing his acquaintance with cocaine and other drugs, it took me as a surprise to see him act like this. His eyes filled with fear as I took a step closer. Then I saw the delirious gleam in his eyes I sighted as I realized that another fight is forming between us. I didn't know how long can I hold on.
"I'll give you an injection."
"What for?" He asked and pushed his back against the head of the bed, not taking his eyes off me.
"Because I want you to get better. Don't you want to bee healthy again?" "Fine!" I thought, "Now I'm speaking as if I were talking to an idiot! "It will ease your pain, and will help you to go to sleep."
"Then, I don't want you to give me it!" He said, with a sad expression and looked away. He pulled up the sleeve of his nightshirt and focused his gaze on the bruises on his arm. I put down the syringe and took a step closer. Something was disturbing him, and I wanted to know what it was. But before I could ask anything, he spoke.
"I don't want to sleep," he said and curled up. I was a bit surprised, but I tried not to show it. I sat beside him on the edge of the bed.
"If there's something bothering you, you can tell me about it." I said and he turned to me hesitating, but finally, he spoke.
"I have nightmares Watson. Or… To be quite frank, I have only one dream. A dream that has been haunting me for days."
"Nightmares can be caused by fever."
"But it started before I got ill! I tried everything to stop it, but it was in vain. Nothing helped me. I tried the cocaine, but it made my visions more vivid and horrible. Then there were the sleeping pills, the meditation… but nothing could take this nightmare away. And here I am now, ill, wounded, my eyes are burning, my joints want to crack, my limbs are weak and my head is aching as hell. And I wish nothing more than a few hours of sleep… but I don't dare to go to sleep and face that nightmare again!" He said and a teardrop rolled down on his face, and looked at me with all his desperate need for help, "I can't take it much longer, Watson! If I can't get rid of this dream, I'll go insane, before I die because of my wretched illness!"
I sat in silence for a few minutes, not knowing what to say. It's a pity, that there's no scientific solution for bad dreams. No treatment, no pills. Poor devil! My poor friend! What he went through in his dreams? I knew that I must do anything to help him.
I drew him gently closer, and took him to my embrace. He never was a man of emotional acts, but now, he embraced me back tightly, and pushed his head against my chest.
"Tell me about your dream, Holmes!" I said, "I can't guarantee that it will help, but maybe if you talk about it… It worth's a try, isn't it?"
Then, he straightened up again into a sitting position, and wiped his tears.
"In the beginning, it's seems to be a pleasant dream. I'm lying on my back on a beautiful field. The field is cowered with flowers, and the sky is blue. Everything's so beautiful, so perfect. It's seems that my clothes are the only black and white things in this colorful world. I feel myself fine and happy to be there, and most important, I know that it's safe there. The warmth of the Sun and the gentle breeze makes me sleepy, and I close my eyes…" he said and his voice trailed off, then, he took a deep breath and shut his eyes tightly, before continuing. "Immediately the warmth disappears and there's nothing left, but cold wind. I open my eyes to find that the Sun is gone and the sky turned pitch-black. When I look around, I realize that the field has gone too, and I'm lying on a hard rock…" he stopped to collect himself "I realize that I'm chained to the rock, and my clothes disappeared too… The shadows around me start to dance and laugh… and fire surrounds me… Each flame, each shadow a laughing, demonic face… They are laughing at me and they twinkle to the darkness… I know, something's moving at my feet in the dark, but I can't lift my head up to see what it is! Something's pushing me down, and I can't move… I'm scared, frightened! Each of my nerves are telling me to escape, to run, before It's too late, but I can't move …Then, for my greatest horror a huge snake emerges from the shadows. It's a cobra. The huge spectral is towering above me, and I can feel his disgusting, slimy body on my skin, as it coils on my body! And he's smiling, while tightening his ugly embrace around me. His toxic saliva is dripping on my face, and I try to escape but I can't, because he's suffocating me, with his embrace… Then comes the next shock… The cobra's face is now altered into a man's face… A laughing, horribly deformed human-snake creature is holding me…My heart is beating painfully hard; I fear that it will jump out of my chest. I know I'm alone; no one can save me… I make desperate efforts to cry out… But no sound can come out on my mouth… I want to scream, I know I must scream… But I can hear nothing but the laughter of the demons around me, and the spectral on top of me! - He almost shouted the last few words, before collapsed into my arms again, sobbing. And I set speechless, still under the effect of the story. What an abhorrent nightmare! It can be quite shocking to dream it from night to night. Now I started to understand, why Holmes didn't wanted sleep. I looked down at him, and caressed his head and rubbed his back. I wanted him, to feel that he's not alone, that I'm here to help him.
"Hush! Don't cry, Holmes! Your fever may rise if you cry. Hush! There's no snake that can harm you now, you're safe! You're safe! Hush! I'm here with you!" I murmured to him, and slowly, very slowly, he calmed down.
I gave him the injection and he showed no resistance. I tucked him in and put a wet scarf on his forehead.
"Watson?" He whispered.
"Yes, Holmes?"
"Would you be so kind to stay with me for a while? At least until I go to sleep?"
"Of course, Holmes! I'll stay, I promise!"
"Thank you, my friend!" He whispered and fell asleep.
I watched him sleeping peacefully, and then I went to the window and gazed out. For my great surprise, it was snowing out and the streets were white already. I watched the snowflakes falling with pleasure. It was the first snow of the year. I took a step backwards and accidentally kicked the paper basket, which turned over and everything fell out of it.
I knelt down to put the papers back, when one piece of paper caught my attention, because I saw the name "Mycroft" on it. I know that it's a very impolite thing to read other people's letters, but I was very curious about what the elder Holmes wrote.
It wasn't very much, just a few words:
Dear Sherlock,
Alasdair escaped from the asylum! My people are already searching him, but they didn't find him yet! Be very careful!
Mycroft.
Who could this Alasdair be? And what he has to do with Holmes?
I understood from the warning that for some reason he can be dangerous for my friend. Was he an old enemy of Holmes? A foe from the past who wants to take revenge?
I threw the letter back in the basket and tried to forget about my darkening thoughts.
I sat in an armchair, watching the snow again. It was two in the morning, when I looked at the clock, and suddenly I realized how sleepy I was. I wrapped myself in a blanket and fell asleep.
I woke up to a sound, which I couldn't identify in my half sleeping state. The first thing I saw was the clock. It was four in the morning, and it was still snowing outside. Then I heard that sound again. A weak, whispering "No" was it. As I understood, what that meant, I was fully awake. I lit one lamp and went to check Holmes.
He was still sleeping but he was tossing and turning wildly in his bed. The painful expression on his face and his moans revealed to me that he had his nightmare again.
"No…Don't…Go away…Please don't!" he cried. I bent over him and shook his shoulders to wake him up.
"Holmes! Wake up!" I called his name and suddenly his hands reached out and grabbed my arms. His eyes flew open and he looked at me with horror.
"No! Please don't do it!" he screamed hysterically while he was trying to push me away from him. I smacked him in the face to stop his hysteric attack. He stopped screaming immediately and he looked at me, while gasping for air.
"Holmes," I started, "It's me, Watson!" Then I watched his face to find that he was fully awake now. And then, he put his hands on his eyes and started to cry silently. I took a deep breath.
"It's okay, Holmes…" but he interrupted me angrily
"No! Nothing's okay!" He said and sat up in his bed.
"Holmes, it's just a dream, and if you try, maybe you can alter this nightmare…"
"Can you alter the past?" He asked
"The past? What do you mean?"
"I know quite well why this nightmare haunts me!"
"Oh, really?" I asked searching his face for any sign of delirium.
"Yes!" he hissed "but if I tell you, you won't be my friend any longer!"
"Why do you think that?" I asked totally surprised. I thought that I proved enough times to him that he can count on my friendship. Why didn't he trust me now?
"Because even my fiancée left me because of this!"
"What?" I asked. He had a fiancée? He, the absolute bachelor? Who despises womankind and love?
"You're surprised, aren't you?"
"I am, I admit! For goodness shake, Holmes! What's happened to you? I thought you trusted me enough to tell me about your past! I thought that I was your friend!"
"You are! That's why I can't tell you about my past! I don't want to lose you!"
"Then, trust me! If you think, you can't trust me, well then you already lost me!" Maybe I was a bit rude to him, but in the moment, I didn't care. It hurt me very much, that he didn't trust me, that he kept such an important secret. He was hesitating and he remained silent.
"Fine!" I said and stood up, "then, If you don't mind I'll go to my room to have some nice relaxing SLEEP!" Now, that was a torture, and the strange in it was that I enjoyed it. "You know, that I was always beside you, I risked my life many times on you side, still you can't trust me? Then, goodbye! Tomorrow, I'll take my things and go, if you wish!"
"No! Please stay!" he cried in panic.
"What for? Do you trust me enough to tell it?"
"Please, Watson, don't do this to me! Please don't leave me!"
"Sorry Holmes!" I said, but I turned back to watch him. He was shivering with anger, and his hands tightened into fists. But he was not angry at me, he was angry at himself. He had a fight in his soul, but finally, he broke.
"I'll tell you everything. Either way, I lose you. Then I don't want you to leave with anger!" he said and bent his head, while I came closer and sat at the edge of his bed.
"I think, I've already told you that my parents were landowners. It all started when I lived in the family estate, with my father, mother and brother in the country. The neighbour landowner was our relative, Alasdair Burch. I spent most of my free time with him. He was a bachelor and had no family, so he enjoyed my company very much. He was a very educated and handsome man in his mid thirties, so nobody understood quite well why he never got married. He was a kind of master to me. A teacher, a tutor. I've always learned from him. He was fine with arts, music, sports, sciences, literature…etc. We often went riding to the fields and forests. He also kept horses and he kept a horse just for me. A dark brown, with black mane and tail. His name was Dalius. But Burch had a little problem, he loved the good wine, but he was never drunk, when I came. I thought that it was just a rumor. I was eighteen when my family decided that it's time for me to get married, and they already found a fiancée for me. I knew her since childhood, and we were friends, but I never thought that she would be my wife one day. But I was so young, silly, I thought that it's normal to get married without feeling love for the other. I had no love before, so I didn't know what love was. But she loved me with all her heart, or at least I thought. So, we had the engagement, and I ran to tell the good news to my tutor, Burch.
But Burch wasn't as pleased with the news, as I expected. He told me something about how bad it would be if I got married…or something like that. That I'm too young, that I have enough time to think about marriage, that I mustn't rush to throw away my youth. I should've known why he told me all these thing. But I was blind.
I haven't seen him for weeks, but I often heard that he was drinking again. But I was too busy, with the planning of the wedding.
One day, I went to see him. I didn't found him in his house; neither of his servants knew where he was. I decided to see Dalius in the stable before I go. But when I reached his box, it was empty but the straw was new and clean. I went in to caress the other horse's side. Then one of the horses, Auberon lifted his head nervously. I turned around to see Burch standing in the door of the box. He was drunken, and held an empty bottle in his hand. And he looked at me in an odd way.
"So, you're came back? " he said, and closed the door of the box behind him. I was nervous for some reason. If only I'd known what he's planning! "Dalius is not here, I chased him into the forest" he said. I took a step closer and asked why he did that.
"Because he was unfaithful to me, and I needed a free box" he said smiling and took a step closer. "This straw here is for someone else, it will be a wedding bed" he whispered to my ears and before I could react anything he broke the bottle on my head. I lost my balance and in the next moment he forced me to the floor and started to beat me. He was much more muscular and stronger than me, so it was not a hard work to him. I was still conscious, but I couldn't move. In the next moment he ripped down my trousers.
It was then, I realized what he wanted to do. I strained every muscle to fight, but it was in vain. Then…then… it happened " he whispered, and his voice trailed off, because of his tears. I could hardly believe the things I've heard. This can't be true! I was shocked, like never before in my life. Slowly, my mouth formed the word, I didn't dare to speak out loud.
"Yes" he said, when he saw this "he raped me! As I was saying, I tried to prevent him doing it, but I couldn't. I was a virgin for every kind of lovemaking, especially, this type! I wished I'd lose consciousness. Every move of his caused me pain, his sweat and his alcoholic saliva was pouring on me from his stupid grinning face. Disgust and pain, that's all I felt during that brutal intercourse, when I thought it was over, he started it again. I was screaming or at least I tried. I don't know how long it took. It was an eternity for me. Suddenly a strange expression appeared on his face and he fell on me. Then, somebody pulled him off me. It was Mycroft. He sighed in relief when he saw that I was breathing because, he thought that I was dead. He came to take me home, but when he couldn't find me in Burch's house, he started to worry. When he heard my scream, he ran to the stable and knocked Burch down. Then, he wrapped me, into a blanket and took me to his carriage. I lost consciousness because of the shock and I came around in my bed.
The Doctor just finished my examination and he was giving advise to my father. My mother was sobbing, Mycroft was strolling up and down in the room, biting his lip and my father was cursing Burch, and he promised that he will punch out his eye, and castrate him.
I tried to move, but I couldn't from the pain, and the Doctor forbade me to leave the bed for a few days. My father was planning how to take revenge on Burch. He didn't want to call the police, because he didn't want a scandal, which would ruin my family's name.
Later, he settled to close Burch into an asylum. But he couldn't stop the rumors spreading among the people. And one day, when I was lying alone in my bed, filled with hatred, shame, disgust and pain, came my fiancée to visit. She tried to be nice but she touched me, as if she was touching a leper. Finally, without a word, she pulled the engagement ring off her finger and gave it back to me.
When I needed tenderness, love and understanding the most, she left me, and never came back. That's why I don't like women. But I could understand her. She didn't want to chain her life to a tainted man.
This event started the avalanche. Slowly, all my friends, some family members turned away from me. When I got better, and went to the village, people were whispering behind me. Some gossips said that I was the one who seduced Burch, others said that we were lovers for a long time, but Burch got jealous of my ex-fiancée.
Finally, I left my home and came to London with my brother. But I never spoke about it to anyone. Until today." he said and pulled away from me.
I didn't know what to say. What could I say? For now, I was sure that the Alasdair in the letter was This Alasdair Burch. And now I understood why he's dangerous.
"A few days ago I received a letter from my brother. He told me that Burch escaped. This brought back the memories and so came the nightmare. I didn't want to tell you, because I was afraid that you'd leave me, just like my friends and fiancée did. So, if you wish to leave, then I understand you! But please, if you go, then, go now!" He said, and curled up in a fetal position.
I was wordless. I tried to make an order within my thoughts. But I was sure in one thing.
"Holmes! I- am- your - friend! It was not your fault, what happened and even if it was, you don't deserve to be left alone! You're a good man, the best and wisest man, I ever known. And most important! You're my friend. I won't leave you!" I said and he lifted his head up, not knowing if he can believe my words.
"You won't?"
"I won't."
"God bless you, Watson!" He cried and embraced me tightly, while I could feel a teardrop rolling on my face.