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Seven
The clamor of festivity resounded from all sides of the camp, drunken voices rising and falling discordantly – and no less triumphantly - in song and merriment.
Alexander had spent a long time among the wounded and dying, talking to them and offering such comfort as he knew his words of praise and gratitude would give. With the burden of death still heavy on his shoulders, he moved on to the rejoin the living, stopping off at several points around the camp to toast with the troops, then retiring to a more private celebration with his senior officers. The fever of the day was smothered in wine and soon after midnight, their energy dipped suddenly. One by one the generals finally staggered or were carried out of Alexander's tent.
Glad to be finally alone, Alexander left his tent and made his way to Hephaistion's, his step heavy with the weariness that had finally caught up with him. He ached to be with Hephaistion, who had been firmly confined to bed by the doctors. At that point, Alexander wanted nothing more than to end this day by sliding in bed next to Hephaistion and sleeping the sleep of the blessed.
Thus it was with no small measure of surprise when he found Hephaistion's lamp burning and his friend sitting up in bed, wrapped in his blanket and hugging his knees to his chest. Alexander winced inwardly at the sight of his friend's lean, muscular body, now diminished into a thinned out frame that bore witness to the hardships of the weeks of imprisonment.
Hephaistion's eyes were empty and rimmed red with the absence of sleep and his haunted expression frightened Alexander.
'Phai, you're not sleeping… are you alright?'
The sound of his voice seemed to suck Hephaistion from a trance. He looked disoriented and Alexander felt the tired eyes study him with curiosity and an intensity he had not felt in years.
'I was hungry,' Hephaistion finally answered. 'But I lost my appetite.' Disheartened, he waved at the tray of untouched food on the bedside table.
Alexander poured a cup of wine and handed it to Hephaistion.
'I don't think that I can handle more wine tonight, or else tomorrow my head will burst,' he said easily, sinking down on the bed. Without further ado, he started to unlace his sandals and shook them off his feet.
'Gods, I need a bath,' he muttered, sniffing himself, 'but at this hour…. And besides, I don't want to waste the time. The sooner I get into bed with you the better,' he smiled roguishly up at Hephaistion, who continued to regard him with wonderment and far-away expression that Alexander found both enthralling and disquieting.
'Phai? What is it?'
Hephaistion looked right through Alexander, his fingers curling around the wine cup but completely oblivious to its presence.
'When they brought me the food, they said it was my favorite,' he said tonelessly.
'Yes, it is your favorite,' Alexander replied wryly, glancing briefly at the tray. 'You and your chickens. Why won't you eat it?'
Hephaistion shook his head.
'I can't remember…' he whispered, resting his forehead on his knees.
As if struck by an unseen blade. Alexander sat there, rooted to the spot, praying that he had heard wrong.
'What can't you remember?' he found himself asking in a voice so small that he barely recognized it as his own. 'Your favorite food?'
Hephaistion's face remained hidden, but he continued to shake his head. He still held the wine goblet in his hand.
'Nothing? You remember nothing?' Alexander said finally, incredulously, when he began to suspect that if the words had to come out of Hephaistion's mouth, the cruelty of it would crush his mind.
'It was the head wound, wasn't it.' It was not a question.
Hephaistion nodded without lifting his head.
A deadly chill crept into Alexander's bones. How curious, he thought with frightening calm, even though not entirely improbable, that the gods should give with one hand while taking away with the other.
He opened his mouth but no words came forth. Indeed, he could think of nothing to say that would soothe or encourage.
'Do you remember me… us?' the words left Alexander's mouth before he even considered biting them back.
He berated himself for his inability to find the fitting words of consolation and for asking such foolish questions. Nothing would ease this pain. Neither his nor Hephaistion's. Because it was not the same pain they felt. They were both lost in their own way, to their own demons.
But while Alexander knew where he belonged, Hephaistion floated in a storm of uncertainty. So Alexander did the only thing he knew: he acted on his instinct. He rid himself of his clothes quickly, put out the lamp and climbed into bed. Hephaistion had curled on his side, facing away, in a posture of supplication, as if he was waiting for the judgment to be passed. Alexander met little resistance when he arranged his body around Hephaistion's, mindful of his friend's hurts.
'We will beat this,' he murmured into Hephaistion's hair, but his effort to sound strong and unaffected had been too great and his voice broke and dropped to a whisper.
'I don't know yet how - but there has to be a way. And for now, all that matters is that you are here with me. You are safe and I love you,' he said with quiet determination.
Hephaistion's frame twitched in Alexander's embrace. 'Do not take this upon yourself,' he pleaded.
Alexander did not answer immediately instead he wrapped his arms even tighter around Hephaistion who hissed faintly until Alexander realized he was pressing some or other wound on Hephaistion's back and loosened his hold.
'When you went missing, I realized that without you, I was nothing,' he said it as if it was the most natural or inevitable conclusion. 'You will remember - if it is the last thing I do. Because I will be your memory. And if you don't remember, you shall learn anew. We both shall.'
Gradually, Hephaistion's taut muscles relaxed and they stayed like that for a long time, neither sleeping nor talking but merely enjoying the silence and each other's presence. Often Alexander caressed Hephaistion's hair and arms, just to remind himself that it wasn't a dream.
Late morning found them still entwined and a little more than stiff from sleeping draped around each other.
Alexander extricated himself carefully from Hephaistion's embrace, shaking the numbness from his limbs with a few brisk moves. He stuck his head out of the tent. The guard stood to attention and his squire, no doubt having been informed where the king had spent the night, came running.
'Have the slaves prepare me a bath in my tent,' he instructed the boy before turning to the guard. 'Should anyone come to see Hephaistion, have them announced first.'
It was the best way for Hephaistion to learn the names of those of his friends who would no doubt come to enquire after his health. Hephaistion had not needed to tell Alexander that he wanted his loss of memory to be kept a secret. While it might not necessarily be his case, perhaps many of the men would find it hard to place their trust in a commander whose memory had been so severely affected. Also, there were those with whom Hephaistion's career advance did not sit well and would no doubt desire to take advantage of his predicament. It was a delicate situation and one that Alexander had not yet fathomed how to best deal with. The only thing he knew was that they would have to adapt as they went along. Decidedly, it would be much easier for Hephaistion to resume his duties than to remember the names and faces of all the men he had dealt with.
He looked upon the face of his sleeping lover and finally believed that Hephaistion was truly there and that his eyes were not just obeying some cruel trick of light. To Alexander he looked like a boy again, young and with no worries weighing on him, peacefully breathing in restful sleep and his knowledge that he was loved. On impulse, Alexander pushed Hephaistion's hair aside, intent on pressing a kiss just inside his neck, under his ear, in Hephaistion's favorite spot. But as he leaned in, he noticed the sickening hue of the flesh. Horrified, he lifted more of Hephaistion's hair to reveal purple and blackening finger marks on his neck, as if someone had tried to strangle him and had almost succeeded.
Fiercely, he ripped the blanket away to uncover the rest of Hephaistion's body and soon he was staring at a map of whip scores and bites that adorned Hephaistion's back and shoulders like ritual markings. He let out a loud gasp and let the blanket fall back, as if he'd revealed too much of a deadly secret. His mind was tumbling over itself with the possibilities of what could have happened until he became aware of Hephaistion blinking at him through sleep-narrowed eyes.
'Who tried to strangle you?' Alexander burst out without giving Hephaistion a chance to even open his mouth. 'Did they torture you? Gods, was this the thanks I got for treating Darius family so well?'
'They treated me well enough,' Hephaistion defended, suddenly awake and alert to Alexander's fierce reaction. 'But I tried to escape and there was a scuffle….'
'But they beat you. Your back…,' Alexander paced around breathlessly, highly disturbed.
'Well, I did kill a few of them, so what did you expect them to do?' Hephaistion said in a placating tone, but anxiety was written all over his face. 'In all fairness, what would you have done? I'm surprised they didn't kill me.'
Alexander ceased his pacing, not entirely satisfied with the answer and furious at the thought of Hephaistion being mistreated. He studied Hephaistion's expression, noted his white lips and an apprehension that he could not explain, but decided not to press the issued further for now.
'I brought you something,' Hephaistion said by way of changing the subject.
'You brought me something?' Alexander's mouth stretched in an incredulous half-smile. 'You're talking like you went away on a pleasure trip and brought me a gift.'
'Well, it is a gift,' Hephaistion said smugly. 'And one that will probably delight you more than a trinket. Look there,' he pointed to a clay pot, where his squire had placed Bessos' maps.
Alexander walked over and retrieved one of them. He spread it on the table, his eyes growing large as saucers as he studied it.
'You – what…? Do you realize how important this is? This is treasure,' he turned to Hephaistion who was watching him with an amused expression, no doubt glad that the storm had passed.
'I thought they might prove useful,' Hephaistion replied with faked self-importance.
'Where did you get them? In Zeus' name, did they allow you free access to their archives? What did you do? Charm the mapmaker?'
'Something like that,' Hephaistion replied, blinking innocently, 'after so many years, it was about time I learned to put my looks to good use.'
'You're impossible,' Alexander laughed, but the fleeting shadow that passed across Hephaistion's features, although veiled, did not go unnoticed.
With some effort, Hephaistion stood up from bed, stretching as much as his injuries allowed and letting out a hearty curse.
'Weren't you confined to bed by the doctors?' Alexander cautioned. The sight of Hephaistion's back and neck injuries still plagued him.
'Somehow I don't think I ever listened to doctors, even if I can't remember it,' Hephaistion said arching an eyebrow.
Alexander shrugged.
'You're too old to change.' He noticed that the light-hearted banter dissipated Hephaistion's unease and he wondered what it was that still troubled his friend so much beside the loss of his memory.
'I want to show you something,' Hephaistion said in a secretive tone.
'What? Is there something else you sacked from the Persians?'
Hephaistion's mien was enigmatic but cheerless and minutes later, they were walking outside in the bustling camp. Hephaistion limped along slowly.
'I hope it's not too far, I don't relish the prospect of carrying you,' Alexander joked.
'We're almost there,' Hephaistion said, slightly out of breath.
He led Alexander to the squires' tents. Once inside, Hephaistion conferred briefly with one of the boys, who beckoned towards a figure lying on a camp cot. Hephaistion's eyes were alight when he turned to Alexander and motioned him closer. The boy lying on the bed seemed to be sleeping but as he got closer, Alexander realized it was because he had been badly beaten and his lids were hideously swollen. Hephaistion lowered himself on the bed and smoothed away a strand of the boy's long black hair before taking hold of his thin hand and placing it between his own palms. He did not say a word, but Alexander soon perceived moisture around the boy's battered eyes.
'He cared for my wounds and helped me when I tried to escape,' Hephaistion explained, although Alexander had begun to suspect as much. 'The surgeon says he should be alright in a week or so. He is mute so I never learned his name.'
An inexplicable shiver of jealousy, suppressed in shame, stabbed through Alexander's heart when he saw the affection that passed between the two. Even when he expressed his words of thanks he felt them inadequate. This boy was the only kind person Hephaistion remembered.
They spent a little more time with him before Alexander finally coaxed a sore and ashen-faced Hephaistion that it was time he looked after his own health.
Back in Hephaistion's tent, Alexander kept vigil long after his lover had nodded off again. He watched Hephaistion's brow knit in restless sleep and vowed to solve the mystery of Hephaistion's troubles.
When Alexander finally got back to his own tent, the bath water had long since gone cold.
Babylon was the mother of all whores, everyone knew that. But Alexander did not care, he loved the city. He had declared two weeks of holiday for everyone and, at the repeated urging of his generals, had set about trying his hardest to rest and enjoy his good fortune.
The good fortune had come at a price, though.
Hephaistion had slipped back into his duties a lot more seamlessly than Alexander had initially assumed. His men had accepted the fact that he had been wounded and treated badly by the Persians and that, like everyone in that situation, had needed some time to re-adjust. Only Alexander knew the extent of the effort that Hephaistion had put into resuming the semblance of normality and just how taxing it had proved. But if the gods had to be thanked for their favors, it was because Hephaistion had healed in body almost entirely. Nothing but the scars would remind them of Hephaistion's imprisonment.
On the other hand, Hephaistion's memory did not seem to be improving. Fragments of recollection that he almost grasped at times ended up frustrating Hephaistion no end, especially since what they now called his 'new memories' he could recall at will and with extreme accuracy. Alexander had recounted numerous episodes from their lives, from important battles to silly little anecdotes. Watching how Hephaistion's brow scrunched up in concentration sometimes, Alexander could wager that the information was stored and classified with the precision that had always defined his friend.
But what worried Alexander even more was a lingering feeling that most times he succeeded in pushing back into the recesses of his mind, but which eventually found its worming way out, gnawing at Alexander's sanity: he was convinced that Hephaistion was hiding something, not out of malice - he would have never suspected that - but rather out of a desire to protect Alexander.
Sure enough, Hephaistion seemed as content as one could be, showered with far too much attention from the king, so much so that he had actually chosen a bedroom in the Babylon palace as far away from the royal bedchamber as possible. He claimed that he would never live down the teasing of the other generals if he spent night and day alongside Alexander.
Except that since his return, Hephaistion had shied away from intimacy. To Alexander's surprise – who had always been the one who needed less physical love of the two of them - Hephaistion's appetite had seemed to have taken a disturbing plunge. There was nothing wrong physically, as Alexander had learned. He had got Hephaistion well on the way several times, but every time things got heated, his lover would pull away, flushed and visibly willing himself to control his desire.
In the beginning, Alexander had not protested much. They slept in the same bed for many nights, holding each other, something that had not happened since they were boys, but eventually, in the privacy offered by the huge Babylon palace, Alexander had started to wonder why it was that Hephaistion would not spend the nights with him anymore and had wanted to take a bedroom so far away from his own. Again, Alexander had conceded, not wishing to press the issue.
It was not often that he made his way to Hephaistion's chambers, but on a night of celebration, he felt suddenly lonely and left his generals to party on without him. Hephaistion had been out the whole day on some assignment that he'd volunteered for since Ptolemy had taken his holiday very seriously, so he had missed the feast.
When Alexander arrived, he found a newly-arrived Hephaistion fingering a scroll, stroking it as if it were something precious and too delicate for his callused hands.
'A letter from my father,' Hephaistion explained half apologetically, when he realized that Alexander must have been observing him for a while. He set it down carefully and looked at Alexander expectantly, his eyes sparkling. More and more since his return, Alexander had noted a dullness in Hephaistion's eyes that had not been there before his imprisonment.
Seeing him now, Alexander misread the look and walked right across the room and, without further ado, he took Hephaistion's head between his palms and pressed a shy kiss to his lips. Hephaistion's lips were cold and he felt them tremble at the touch.
'I want you to remember us tonight' Alexander breathed in a thicker than normal voice. He leaned in further, his hand trailing down Hephaistion's back, pulling him closer and pressing their bodies together. 'Please, let me help you remember us.'
He kissed Hephaistion again, deeper this time and he heard him growl low in his throat. Hephaistion responded to the kiss, his hands shooting up to clutch Alexander's head, plying it to his whim, so he could get a better taste. Almost at once, their bodies reacted to each other but as he ground his hips against Hephaistion's, Alexander felt his friend's back muscles knot into steel and he pulled backwards forcefully, letting out a groan.
'What is it?' Alexander implored, out of breath with excitement and growing frustration.
Hephaistion sighed, avoiding Alexander's eyes and gently disentangled himself from the embrace. 'I'm sorry, Alexander.….'
He busied himself with unfastening his travel cloak, no doubt to mask a tremor that Alexander's eyes did not miss.
'Don't give me that,' Alexander cried. 'You cannot expect me to believe that you're insecure about me. It's been almost a month since you've been back. Even with your memory loss, I made it plain how I feel about us.'
'But I am anxious, and I cannot help it,' Hephaistion protested, throwing Alexander a look full of inexplicable grit.
'Not nearly good enough Hephaistion,' Alexander countered. 'You can lie to your other friends, who I must say do suspect that something is wrong, but won't say it. But not to me. Tell me what it is? You forgot that you loved me? You no longer desire me? Funny, even with your memory gone, your body responded….
Before Alexander could finish, Hephaistion turned sickly pale so quickly that Alexander rushed to steady him if he collapsed.
'My body can respond to a whole lot of things, Alexander,' he hissed with such malice that Alexander recoiled. 'Don't try to manipulate me, it will not work.'
'I am not manipulating you, I am merely trying to understand….,'
'You cannot understand!' Hephaistion was more than adamant.
'No, I cannot! Because you won't let me! For the love of Zeus I cannot understand why you keep it all bottled up inside. How much longer are you planning to do that? Will I have to pry it out of you, so that it won't make you rot inside?'
When Hephaistion remained silent, Alexander roared. ' I will have an answer, Hephaistion.'
'Enough, Alexander. Please.' the defiant edge suddenly dropped from Hephaistion's tone. It seemed like all he wanted now was to have this conversation over with. Alexander went off again.
'You cannot hide it from me, Hephaistion. What kind of fool do you think I am? Those whip scores and those bite marks on your skin…. Gods! Those red finger imprints on your neck….'
'Alexander – stop…' Hephaistion pleaded, a warning edge in his voice. Just as a moment ago he had sounded defeated, Hephaistion's eyes glazed over with wrath like they held no recognition of Alexander.
But Alexander pressed on, oblivious to the storm he was unleashing.
'You told me they beat you because you tried to escape. But you lied, didn't you. You were raped. Was it Darius? Who in the name of….'
His words were knocked out of him as Hephaistion pitched forward and tackled him to the ground. Caught by surprise, Alexander was no match for the bigger man, who, after effectively immobilizing him, straddled his waist, pinning his arms on both sides of his head.
'I. Told. You. To. Stop,' he ground out. Never before had Alexander seen such fury in his friend's demeanor, nor such gratuitous violence.
Alexander took one gulp of air, his mind frantically dicing between the desire to carry on speaking and the instinct of conservation that advised him to clamp his mouth shut and ride out the storm.
'Phaistion, I want to help you. Why won't you let me? Why are you shutting me out?' he said in as commanding a tone as he could muster, still pinned under Hephaistion's weight, hoping his words would snap his friend out of his madness. And indeed just as abruptly as he had attacked him, Hephaistion released Alexander's arms and stood up, breathing heavily and running his hands frantically through is hair.
He turned his back to Alexander, who got up slowly, rubbing an abused shoulder, his face wrung with pity. He gripped Hephaistion's arm, trying to spin him around.
'Let me go, Alexander. You've done enough damage already. Have me tried for treason for attacking you, my King, but don't again let me hear you make your conclusions for me.' Exhaustion and defeat dripped from Hephaistion's every word.
'I will not have you tried for treason,' Alexander whispered, letting go of Hephaistion's arm. 'You should know better than that.'
'Should I now?' Hephaistion turned, his eyes blazing now.
Privately, Alexander preferred this furious look to the glazed over, possessed eyes of only moments ago.
He exhaled loudly, shaking his head, then said deliberately, 'Yes, you should know better. I gave you ample opportunity these past few weeks.'
The fire burned low in Hephaistion's eyes but not for a moment did he leave Alexander's.
'What happened was my choice alone,' he said quietly. 'I did it to save the boy's life.'
'I can understand…' Alexander began.
'No you don't, Alexander,' Hephaistion interrupted. His voice was silky and frightfully calm now, but his eyes flashed with ice-cold fire, drawing Alexander in and spitting him out again.
'How could you? I consented to everything Bessos did to me. I never objected when he flogged and bit me, when he sucked at my blood and made me taste it from his tongue. Fair enough. But what I'm talking about has nothing to do with the pain and the cruelty.'
He fixed Alexander with a stare that any other day would have made the King's knees turn to water He prayed to have the strength to tell Hephaistion to stop. But he had not the right to spare himself the torment that Hephaistion had endured – not if they were to be one again.
'In the throes of his passion, he gripped my throat and strangled me until I was convinced that I caught a glimpse of Hades. And knowing fully well that I was dying, and my blood slowing and my lungs screaming for air - my body responded to him, and I begged him - choking - not to stop. And you believe that I can share your bed again, after you know how filthy and tainted I am?'
'No, Alexander,' Hephaistion shook his head with a doleful smile, 'you don't understand. Bessos was right, you know. He drove himself into my mind and soul, and he told me so afterwards. He knew I would not forget. But in my foolishness, I thought that your touch would be enough to heal. Only now I see it clearly: I cannot let you be touched by this darkness. I will not use you to chase away his ghost.'
For the second time since Hephaistion's return, Alexander could find no words. He pressed his palms hard to his eyes to blot out he image that, cruelly, played in his mind's eye again and again. He had learned to deal with Hephaistion's memory loss and he willed himself to deal with this too. Except that he couldn't do it as quickly as he wished. His first instinct was to hunt Bessos down and exact the harshest punishment imaginable.
But he realized that no matter what he did, it would not heal Hephaistion's soul, nor undo what had been done to him. To them.
He sat on Hephaistion's bed, slouching helplessly under the burden of knowledge. It seemed to Alexander that each moment longer of silence sucked Hephaistion further away from him.
Eventually, Hephaistion stood and threw his cloak back on, making ready to leave. The flutter of movement extricated Alexander from his trance.
'Where are you going? This is your bedroom.'
'I don't know, Alexander,' the words were spoken with calm but infinite sadness. 'Out. And away from here.'
'Please, don't go,' the plea tore from Alexander's chest before he was even ready to acknowledge it and Hephaistion turned and looked at him sharply.
'Please let me stay with you,' Alexander pled, then he quickly added. 'Just to sleep, if you wish it. I will ask for nothing else until you decide it is time.'
'You desire me still? Even after what I told you?' Hephaistion's surprise was genuine.
'I don't know what I can do to force you to give up the idea that you are sullied and unworthy. But I would do it. It would not help to order you as your King, but instead I'd like to show you. Only you won't let me. '
He closed the distance between them and unclasped Hephaistion's cloak.
'Things may not be the same between us after tonight,' he said deliberately as he undressed Hephaistion slowly and purposefully. He did not explain what he meant, although he felt the other man's unspoken question, 'but we will never know unless we try.'
'You see, Phai, you were wrong. I wish you would find it, if not in your memory, at least in your heart, to know that it takes more than that to drive you away from me. So don't try to force the hand of the Fates. Whatever trials we are meant to go through, we will do so together.'
Hephaistion stared at Alexander for a long moment. 'You are a strange man, Alexander.'
He said not another word, nor did he make a move to push Alexander away this time. He let Alexander guide him with the patience of a loving tutor and when they lay tangled together, spent after hours of love, Hephaistion's eyes lit up with almost recognition.
TBC
Epilogue to follow