Guess my little question wasn't an easy one. We have a 4-3 win for the Corvette though. I take it that Mac therefore has a new car already which Harm knows. I have her have a BMW Roadster, another sportscar and the one I'd love to drive ;)
So due to great demand, here it is ...
- Wednesday -
I'm nervous as I walk down the hall. I don't know why I am, but something inside of me keeps telling me there is something about to happen.
I remember Creswell's words from yesterday.
"Colonel, Commander either of you has to replace Commander Turner in this international meeting Roberts and he have participated in. I leave the decision up to you."
We must have looked quite surprised because after a few short moments he told us about Chaplain Turner briefly. We weren't supposed to let it slip to any other staff though.
So that is what brought me here, walking alongside Bud and Jen, the former on my left side, the Petty on the other. I feel like they are giving me some sort of escort. Moreover, the way Bud has eyed me this morning when we met this might well be the case though I still don't know why. I wonder whether they have held the same pattern with Sturgis.
When we reach the doors I can hear voices from within. Bud and Jen let me enter first. They should. I push open the slightly ajar door curious about what the day would hold.
I take a step into the room and let my eyes wander over the people already present. A second step.
Suddenly the room goes drop dead silent. Not a sound could be heard except my one heartbeat that is pounding a million miles an hour. It sounds like a thunderstorm to my ears and I'm sure everybody can hear it.
I don't know whether the silence results from the people's curiosity about an unknown face or from the shocked expression I'm sure I'm mimicking right now.
The moment I have scanned half of the room my eyes came to rest on a man I haven't seen for nearly four years. The sight of him ripped open old wounds that were just about to heal. We keep starring at each other. I couldn't get myself to move.
"Ma'am, you're okay?" Bud has his hand on my arm concern ringing thick in his voice.
-o-o-o-o-
-o-o-o-o-
Here it is, the one thing I've been dreading most these past days and what was unlikely to happen as I have convinced myself only yesterday. Talking about things turning out right.
Sarah has walked into the room, a smile lying on her features. She looked excited when her eyes covered the room. That was until they met mine. Her face went bare in a mere second. Total shock now lies on her beautiful face. And beautiful she still is. I'm captured by her beauty just the way I had been when we first met. Not a thought passed my mind about the many hurtful hours I've spent trying to forget about her. I simply can't take my eyes off of her. Instantly I realize all the things that have changed about her. The hair that has grown longer, the slightly different color it now seemed to bear. The way she looks at me now. She'd never looked at me like this before. And I'm sure this isn't about the shock only. This is something from way deep down inside of her. I see her shake her head on a question from Bud. I haven't heard it but I see the worries he holds for his friend. He's confronted with much of that lately.
I wonder how we would get through the day, or rather how I would manage. I'm not feeling very capable of thinking straight right now. My heart keeps pumping far too much blood through my veins. I feel my hands get sweaty. I keep them firmly folded in my lap.
Bud has stirred her to her place now, leaning over her and whispering something. The Petty Officer is standing nearby obviously wondering what has happened with her senior officer.
-o-o-o-o-
-o-o-o-o-
I have made it past the first half of the day. I kept pretty quiet, only adding rare comments every now and then. And so has Mic. Thankfully the General either hasn't realized my lack of participation or he doesn't mind. Maybe he just thinks me incapable of doing my job. And to tell the truth, right now I am.
Throughout the whole morning I've stolen glances at my former fiancé in a regular pattern when I couldn't force myself to look down at my patch any longer. Only once have our eyes met again and we both cast them away immediately.
I'm pondering why this has to happen now. Why now of all times? Now that Harm and I are finally making progress. It isn't that I still have any feelings for Mic, but this encounter threw me off balance. And it still hurts.
So how could I think about starting anew with this shadow from my past hovering over me?
I drum my fingers on the table when the questions keep bouncing through my head. I let my eyes wander through the now empty room. Empty that is apart from the French Lieutenant that has remained at her seat as well. Our eyes meet. We cast each other a weak smile. She must be pondering something as well.
I turn my head slightly so I could watch out of the window and return to my own thoughts.
-o-o-o-o-
-o-o-o-o-
As I step into the room I'm surprised at what an empty atmosphere it is casting. Normally it is crowded with people talking in various languages. But right now there lingers silence.
I look at the two women remained at the big table. They are so much alike. Not in their looks, as one is a tiny blonde in a blue uniform while the other is a dark haired marine. Nevertheless, they are alike in the way they seem to be forlorn to the world surrounding them. Each of both is lost in their own thoughts. Thoughts that don't seem to be the most pleasant. This much is evident from their eyes. One pair focused on the table the other lost in the distance of the sky over Washington.
I hesitate a moment pondering whether I should go in and disturb or leave them alone.
I'm still standing in the doorway wondering on what has the Colonel so distracted when she turns her head and spots me.
"I thought you might need something to eat." I explain when reaching her.
She looks at me a little confused. I can tell she hasn't been thinking about lunch at all. So whatever it is that got her this worried it has hit her really bad.
Finally she answers "Thanks Jen," and takes the offered sandwich.
"How do you feel Ma'am?" I whisper after I settled down into Commander Roberts' chair. I'm not really expecting her to answer truthfully but I felt the need to make the offer at least.
"I'm fine Jen," she tells me eyes remaining on the sandwich.
-o-o-o-o-
-o-o-o-o-
"How's he doing?" I ask without preamble once I arrive at Sturgis' side.
"He's recovering sir." I can hear relief in these short words.
"Glad to hear that." I have a look around, but the corridor is empty except for a busy nurse hurrying by. "No friends around?"
"Varese's on tour in California, she's checking in on us every so often. And Bud's been by this morning."
I have to smile on the fact that the Commander named Bud just second after his lover when I asked for friends. I still recall his hostility towards the then Lieutenant after the failed hearing. But then again the whole office held a hostile atmosphere during that time.
"And the Colonel and Commander?"
"Both called but couldn't make it yet. Though they promised they would be by," he answers leaning back against the wall. "May I ask how you learned of this?"
"I called your father's place and was told that he had a stroke. I came right here."
"Thank you sir, I should have thought of calling you myself."
"You've had other things on your mind Sturgis. It's okay." I watch him close his eyes for a second and stifle a yawn. "How long have you been here?"
"Just short of a day," he returns after checking his watch.
"You've had any sleep?"
"Not much."
"I recommend you try to get some rest. I stay with the Chaplain."
"I appreciate the offer sir, but –" he's trying to assure me he's fine.
"No buts. I'm sure they can fit another bed into your father's room for you."
"Thank you sir." I can tell he's giving in just because he's too tired to put up much of a fight.
I leave Sturgis for a moment to find that nurse and ask for a bed. I would pull rank if needed, though there's a chance it won't help in a public run hospital.
Ten minutes later I'm back, with the promise of an arriving bed. Sturgis obviously has returned to his father's side. Silently I enter the room I've been first headed for.
The midday sun is spreading some light onto the walls of the room, making the yellow walls shine even brighter. This is a pleasant room at least. I can tell that the Chaplain is asleep and that his son isn't far from sleep either. Being as quiet as I could I reach for a chair and pull it up to the side of the bed.
"AJ, what was it you wanted from my father? You've said you called his place," I am asked once I've settled down.
We speak over the bed of the sleeping patient. "Yes. Nothing much, just needed some diversion, another old soul to talk to, so to speak." There are times during retirement I feel awfully bored. That's when I need somebody to share old stories with. And I always found the Padre a good partner for that.
I see Sturgis nod when a knock on the door captures our attention.
A young man enters, pushing along a folded bed he's putting up by the other wall in silence.
Once the bed is ready Sturgis gets up from his chair and walks over to the offered rest, giving the man a grateful look. Shortly after I can hear another steady breathing and am left in a room of quietness.
-o-o-o-o-
-o-o-o-o-
I'm standing in the park that's spreading out behind the windows of our conference room, for the lack of somewhere else to go to. So I'm standing here starring up at the window on the second floor.
I'm feeling tired, as if Sarah's sucking all my energy out. I don't know why she still has this power over me but I desperately try to fight it. I force myself to turn away from the building and head into the park. I'm not in the mood to walk but I can't keep standing there either. So I settle onto a bench facing into the park.
I focus on the little package I've brought for lunch. Something else than the ominous egg-sandwich I've had for the last two days. I rip open the box of cookies I've bought at the hotel this morning. When I tuck the first chocolate into my mouth I remember just how much she has loved chocolate. I sigh as I still seem to recall every detail about her. I recall the way her hair smelled when just washed, I remember the way her soft skin felt on mine, but most clearly I see the shining of her eyes when she was truly happy. Problem was that has been rare and if it has happenedRabb was most surely around.
I put the cookies down. I'd get myself this sandwich again.
"You don't want them?" An old lady has dropped down on the bench beside me.
"Help yourself." And she gladly does.
After having eaten the first in silence and taken a bite of the next one, she quietly starts talking to me.
"These are good."
I grunt a little but keep starring at the trees opposite us. I'm simply not in the mood to talk. But she obviously is.
"You don't eat these in general or only just today?
Her eyes stay fixed on me, I can feel them souring into the side of my head.
"I can't today, bad memories."
"Worse than what chocolate can heal?"
"It's the chocolate that causes it." I turn to face her and start telling her about the things that are bothering me today and ever since I came here. Somehow she's remembering me of my gram. I feel like I truly know her, like she would understand. "My ex-fiancée used to love chocolate. I'm sure she still does."
"And you can't eat these delicious sweets because of that? You give up chocolate because she loves it when you've already given up her? I don't think that's fair," she states sympathetically all the while she pats my arm with one of her hands and reaches for another cookie with the other.
"Will you give up all the other things she used to love?"
"I haven't rejected chocolate until meeting her again today. It's probably only the resurfacing memories that keep me from these cookies."
"So you met her. Is that why you're so sad? Because you still love her?"
"I've moved on." Kind of. I've gone back to Australia, rejoined the Navy, all the things I've given up for her. But still, ever since our parting I've not had any serious relationships. First off, I didn't felt the need for one and second there simply hasn't been anybody that succeeded in capturing my heart so far. Was that because she was still holding it, even though I denied it?
"And I'm not in love with her anymore, though I'm not fully over her either I think."
"You know there is a reason for everything good or bad."
"I don't get the sense behind meeting her again." I wonder why she only turned up when I had gladly adjusted to the fact I wouldn't meet her and not at the beginning of the week when I had myself mentally prepared. "So why now?" I ask the old woman.
"Probably it's time. How long since you've last seen her?"
"Nearly four years."
"That's a long time. Maybe you should talk to her."
With a sudden movement I turn my head from her and back onto the trees.
"I can't."
"You should try."
I feel her hand on my arm again and her piercing eyes. I see her nod.
"You really should."
And obviously she isn't referring to me talking to Sarah only as she holds the last but one cookie out for me to take.
I remain silent but take the sweet from her. I don't see me trying either in the near future. Somehow she reads my thoughts.
"Keep it as a reminder." And with that she takes the last cookie, gives my arm a final pat and humbles her way. I keep sitting for a while pushing the chocolate from one hand to the other.
-o-o-o-o-
-o-o-o-o-
I'm sitting in the locker room of my kickboxing gym. I've worked the punching bag for an hour trying to relieve myself of all the stress seeing Mic has caused. However, I don't feel any less stressed now. Still the thoughts from the day keep circling through my head.
How can I truly hope for this time to be any better? Especially with everything I've experienced so far.
Pictures of the past begin swirling through my mind - places, persons.
…Ciudad del Este… …Mic… …why did you abandon me… …Dalton… …answer me honestly… …the beach at Manderlee… …Harm… …back at the beginning… …one shot… …Sarah – say – that you – that you – will always love me… …not yet… …Clay… …don't want you to go… …Sydney Harbor… …always love you… …Harm… …talk to me… …the Admiral's porch… …never… …eternity… …luv… …McMurphy's… …because I'm in love with him… …Chris… …physically and emotionally, and that's impossible… …I need you…
They culminate into the moment back at Manderlee with Clay.
I can still feel the sensation of my skin from when my hand made forceful contact with his cheek.
"Feel better?"
"Yeah, I wish it were that simple. …"
Things weren't that simple back then and they aren't now. Though through it all I realize one thing, Harm and I have been through a lot and he's still there while nobody else is. Just as he once said 'you've come with me farther than anyone else', we both have.
I let the day pass before my mind's eye once again. Why was this happing now? Am I supposed to do something about it? Will it be any good? Will it change anything between Mic and me? Am I still interested in any changes? Will this somehow affect the 'relationship' Harm and me are currently trying to work out? Most surely it would, some way or the other.
I've been asking myself these questions repeatedly while I kept hitting that punching bag. It has been no good. There have been times when I had somebody's picture mentally pinned to the red leather, not so today. This wasn't about anybody else. This wasn't about Mic. He was the tip that set it all in motion. This was about me. About me and how I'm dealing with any of my relationships.
Probably Jen was right, I need to tell somebody. However, she isn't the right person for that. She knows neither about me and Mic nor about me and Harm. I would have to explain way too much I'd rather keep silent. I can't talk to Harriet or Bud either besides they are the closest friends I have apart from Harm. Again, they still don't know the fully story about Mic's leave and they don't know about the new bond Harm and I are trying to develop. Harriet might suspect, she might hope but she surely doesn't know. And talking to Sturgis simply doesn't seem right with the problems he is facing right now, plus even though I've accidentally revealed my feelings to him I won't feel comfortable talking with him.
Therefore, the only person that does know all the input to this story - for it is our story - is the one person that I can't talk to about this although I know I should. Facing Harm right now would result in him comforting me and probably the both of us taking the one step he's been waiting for. And for which I'm not sure I'm ready yet. Moreover, doing this for the wrong reasons would be just another point added to the list of wrongs in my relationships. For once I want to do everything right. This is far too important for me to screw up.
I remember the day Harm had used these same words with me, but in a different case. Still this one thing – taking Mattie as a ward – had all this made possible for us. It had him change.
I sigh and stand up to finish dressing and head home.
It's raining once again when I leave the building. Why is it raining that much around this time year anyway? I shiver slightly from the chilly evening. I sprint the few meters to my new BMW and throw my bag on the passenger's seat before I slip behind the wheel. For a moment I simply sit there and listen to the sound of the raindrops on my roof. A hot bath will warm my body and hopefully ease away the nagging questions and sour muscles.
Absentmindedly I reach for the safety belt first and for the keys afterwards. The roaring of the car's engine breaks the rhythmic drumming of the rain. I watch my headlights vanishing from the wall as I pull back out of my parking lot.
I drive for a while only listening to the sound of the BMW. For once my mind is totally bare of any thoughts or fears, this is simply about comfort.
I circle into a parking lot when I finally focus on something else than the street alighted by the car's headlights. I shut my engine down, turn the lights off. I'm surprised when I hear the rain no more. Somewhere on my way it has stopped. I remain sitting in my car.
This isn't my place I've been driving to. My subconscious mind has brought me to north of Union Station. Now I'm parked outside Harm's apartment building looking up at his windows. I see the lights are on, so he's home. They cast a soft shining at the still wet street. I wonder whether I should go up now that I'm here. But I stay in the relative safety of my car. I'm not up to facing him and all the issues that would rise. I would just stay here, being near to him even though I'm not physically.
I don't know how long I've been sitting down here in darkness when the ringing of my cell phone brings me out of my reverie. I check my internal clock – 39 minutes. I reach into my bag to dig the phone out, Harm's name blinking on the display. I'm glancing up at his place. I can't see him.
-o-o-o-o-
-o-o-o-o-
I tried her home first but only got her machine. I wondered where she was. When we decided yesterday for her to replace Sturgis she told me that she would ring to tell me how it went. So when I came home I changed for my run and headed back out, cautious to have my cell phone with me just in case. But she hasn't called within the hour I was gone. Maybe they were working late. Therefore, I settled down with some actual case files I had brought from the office. Occasionally I checked my clock. It wasn't so much that I was worried about her, or that I was that much interested in the meeting. It was more about the fact to hear her voice when I had no chance to all day long. I've been looking forward to this call throughout the day. Only now she doesn't call.
So I tried her home and left a message. She has probably forgotten about calling. I try her cell phone next. By now I am pacing my apartment as I count the rings on her side. I've made it as far as the bathroom window by the forth ring. For a moment I lean my forehead against the cool glass and close my eyes.
When I open them again I see her new-bought Roadster on the street below. I lean against the wall and keep looking at the dark car, listening to the rings, waiting for her voice to come on.
"Hi Mac, I've been wondering what you do."
I hear the smile that is evident in my voice. It's due to the prospect of having her near, I can't help but smile.
"Nothing much." I expected something else. But as I don't see the car door open, I assume she's already on her way up although she isn't telling me.
And even though I expected it I'm still startled by the sound of my door bell. "Hold on a minute, there's somebody at the door," I tell her and could already picture her smile greeting me. I sprint through both the bathroom and my bedroom and am by the door in no time.
"Hi Ma –" but I stop dead in mid-sentence as it isn't her standing there.
"Oh, it's dinner," I tell her. I've totally forgotten about my earlier order.
I press the phone between my ear and my shoulder to reach for the food and pay the delivery boy. Mac hasn't said a word yet, though I know her to still be on the line as I can hear her breathe.
With big steps I cross the room to get the take-out into the microwave to keep it warm and get back to my place at the window watching out for her.
"What did you get?" I finally hear her ask.
"Chinese. Like to come over? It's enough for two."
Once again she's keeping silent. For a moment we both are.
"Mac, I know you're parked outside my house. Why don't you come up?"
"I can't." This sounds pretty definite.
"How about I come down to you?" I ask hopefully. I know there is something bothering her and I want to help.
"I don't want your food to get cold." That isn't a 'no'.
"I don't care about my food getting cold. But I care about you." I'm already on my way back into the living room to get my shoes. I grab my keys and am out of the door, the phone still close to my ear.
"You're not going to drive away now, are you?"
"No." It's nothing more than a whisper.
I take the steps down as the elevator seems far too slow. I'm desperate to get to her. I know there's something wrong. I can tell from her voice.
When I reach the car I see her sitting there, starring outside, herphone still pressed to her ear, though I have ended the call the moment I stepped into the night that was still cool from the earlier rain.
I open the passenger door. Taking the bag out I slip into the seat placing the bag on my knees. Softly I close the door. I spot her kickboxing things. It must have been a hard day indeed.
"Hi." She now turns her head to face me while she takes the cell phonedown and closes it.
"Do you want to talk?" I have to ask, though I know the answer.
She shakes her head, her hands playing with the phone. I see that she's still buckled. I wonder how long she'd been parked here before my call.
We both keep silent for another while, before she starts to undo her seat belt and turns to face me.
"Harm, would you just hold me?"
This very moment holding her is the only thing I want to do. Hold her in my arms and keep her safe from the entire world.
Quickly I try to get the bag from my knees so I could turn as well. But it is no good. I've never before realized just how small such sportcars really are. So I settle with the bag half on my legs and half in between. Not caring about the bag anymore, I lean closer to her and wrap my arms around her. I feel her relax a little as her body comes close to mine. For several minutes we just sit like that, neither of us feeling the need to speak.
Then she pulls away, but only so softly and far enough for us to look into each other's eyes. And what I see there tears my heart apart. There's so much fear and vulnerability in these beautiful eyes. This has been a seldom thing over all the years I've known Sarah MacKenzie, but it has become a regular sight within these last months. So much has changed. Suddenly a thought crosses my mind. 'Oh god. Please don't let it be back again.' I have hoped, we both have, that she has made it through the pain, that things were getting better. Although I still hope for us to have a child together, this is about her. That she wouldn't be in pain any longer. I couldn't stand to see her hurt once more.
I must have closed my eyes on the thought, because when I reopen them I see the look in her eyes change. Suddenly all the fear is gone, being replaced by something different. My eyes lock with hers that are now slightly sparkling. Sparkling as if she has found something good at least.
And then she leans in again. Only this time her head is not coming to rest on my shoulder like before, but her lips come close to mine. I can feel them softly lingering on my mouth. It's a soft kiss, just like the one from her engagement party. And just like then she backs away after a few seconds. Only this time I'm not going after her. This time I let the kiss end, for it does feel right to do so. When I look back into her eyes I see that I've indeed done the right thing.
"Thank you."
I nod. I do understand. „You feel a little better?"
Now it is her time to nod.
I let my hands that were still resting on her shoulders wander down her arms and squeeze her hands when I've reached them. I hope for the both of us that she would find a way through this and I want her to know that I will always be there.
I cast a last smile at her before I take the bag from my legs and open the door to get out.
"Get home safe, Sarah," I say softly as I lean back into the car to put the bag back onto the seat.
"Harm, I will tell you, eventually."
I smile at her. I know she will. With a soft thud I close the door and head back to the house. I remain outside until I can see her taillights no more.
-o-o-o-o-
-o-o-o-o-
A heartfelt thanks to all of you who reviewed (and a smaller one to the ones who only read). Really appreciated your kind words and was surprised to get messages from all over the world.
Now some special notes:
LisaGirardi:
I'm no big fan of Mic either. I for my part think he's been the worst of Mac's boyfriends. But this story just popped up in my head and stuck 'til I wrote it down. And just wait, you might get a glimpse of what you're hoping for, though not the full load.
martini1988:
Thanks for you offer but I got it all covered ;) Just waiting for CBS to finish and my friend to send the eps over.