The Long Goodbye Chapter 3: Thursday, a jag fanfic

Thanks for all of your reviews they make my day, keep them coming :-)
BTW, Manda how do you manage to get back to me that fast? Here I am posting and something like an hour later your review's there. Really love that.

So here you go with the next day...

- Thursday -

Today was somewhat better than yesterday. Mic and I still avoided each other. There isn't much we could talk about. Today at least I managed not to let him control my thoughts. I've quite surprised the General in taking an active part in our discussion. And that is because talking to Harm, or rather not talking to him, still had me realize one thing.

He is my future, one way or the other, he would always be there. And Mic is just another thing that turned up from my past. I would have to deal with it as I did with every other, accept that it has happened, remember the good parts and learn from the ones that went wrong. It took Clay's 'death' for me to learn, but I did. For once I'm on a road in life that feels right to me, even though the path leaves me struggling for save ground. How did Robert Frost put it in his poem? The easier road isn't always the better. I think about the road I've traveled so far. Ever since our first meeting Harm and my roads had run parallel for times, had diverged during others, but in the end they've always been near enough for us to reach out for the other, see where the other went while we've had no chance of leaving our own road. Every now and then they crossed, but each of us has chosen a different path to continue. But right now I feel like we're finally on the same track. He's a little ahead of me, but still I'm following him after the short glimpse I had on the dead end that could have been the other possibility. After yesterday I feel more secure about Harm waiting for me down the road so I could catch up and we could walk the rest of the way together.

There he is, waiting for me outside the hospital's main entrance, just like he said he would when we talked again last night.

After my hot bath I felt sure about my earlier made promise. I would tell him, I needed to. I'd do it today. Therefore, I called, even though it was late.

"How was your bath?" he greeted when picking up.

I had to smile he knows me that well. "Am I disturbing?"

"No. Couldn't sleep anyway."

I wonder if that was because of me. Maybe he knew that I would call. But he didn't say and I didn't ask.

"You've got any plans for tomorrow?"

"I've planed on visiting Sturgis and his dad. You'd like to join me?"

"Sure."

"How about I pick you up after your meeting? We could go there together." I heard his voice catch the tone of nonchalant chatter; it no longer held the concerned ringing it did when we were in the car, nor from minutes ago.

"No!"

The moment the word leaves my mouth I knew it was wrong. Better, it sounded wrong, because true it was. This sounded far ruder than I intended it to be. But he coming to get me would hold the possibility of him meeting Mic and that would take matters out off my hands. This was something I don't want to happen.

I hear Harm inhaling deeply after my outburst and try to save the catch.

"It isn't that I don't appreciate your offer, but I think it's easier for the both of us to go there separately. See, I have my car at the place and would have to leave it there when you pick me up. Let's simply meet at the hospital." This sounded lame, even to my ears.

Still he said he was okay with that, though I could hear he was a little shocked by my harsh word. Probably due to that he ended the call rather fast after we came up with time and place to meet.

So now here I am walking towards him, the need and the wish to tell him about Mic still burning high on my list.

"Today been any better?" He's still worried about me.

I nod before I start walking again. He joins my side and leads the way. Obviously he has already asked his way through as he directs me straight to the elevators.

When a car arrives and the door opens I feel his hand fall into place on the small of my back as he guides me into the cabin and presses the button for sixth level. We spent the ride up in silence. An awkward silence. I for my point am wondering what I am going to see once we're at the Chaplain's room. I hope it isn't that bad, for both Sturgis and his dad.

-o-o-o-o-

The Lieutenant and I walk back to our hotel in the now accustomed silence. I hold it high for her not to dig anymore, though I can tell that she's having her own thoughts concerning my odd behavior. I turn towards her after we entered the lobby.

"I've got something to check. I'll see you in the morning."

"Okay sir."

I think she's relieved not to have to cope with me any longer. I watch her head towards the back of the building to where the lifts are located, before I walk over to the reception desk.

"Could you get me a telephone number?" I ask the man addressing me.

"Sure sir."

I reach for the pen and paper that lie on the desk for such purposes and scribble Sarah's name and address down.

I wait the moment it takes the clerk to gather the information.

"Sir, do you want to be connected?"

"No thanks, the number will do."

And so he hands me the paper back, having added another line under my own hand. It's the number I find I still recall clearly. Obviously I haven't forgotten it over the years. She is still living at her old place.

I keep staring at this new or old information. What am I going to do with it now?

After some more minutes I step back out of the hotel. I figure the taxis are waiting at a point just a little down the street as one of them is arriving the very moment I start looking for one.

"Georgetown please."

So now here I am, sitting in a cab outside her door. I look at the cookie I still have and maybe I'm going to try. Not eating the cookie, because two days haven't done it any good, but trying to face her, actually speaking to her. This is if I could get myself to leave this car and ring her door. I see the money tick off on the taximeter.

Finally I trust my eyes to look up at her windows. They are dark. I thought she would have been home by now. However, there isn't even the slightest light coming from her place. She isn't home. To a point I'm relieved. But something else is telling me I'm missing a chance. I crumble the cookie in my hand letting it fall to the floor.

"Back to the hotel." I shoot a last glance up to her apartment when the driver makes a u-turn and we're headed back to where we've come from.

-o-o-o-o-

When we reach the door to room 648 both Harm and me hesitate for a little time. Obviously Harm is feeling similar to me. Normally he would have opened the door for me, but right now he isn't moving at all. And I do understand him for he did know the Chaplain much longer and more closely than me. Still this is getting to me, so I can only guess how hard Harm is taking this.

Finally I take the step forward and press the handle down. The door opens into a small room the curtains are closed, keeping the light dimmed to a minimum. To my right, half covered by the door I see the bed and a sleeping Chaplain Turner. If blacks could go pale I'd say he is. He looks torn. As does Sturgis. He is sitting by his father's side, turning his head when I enter. He is looking at me, giving me a slight smile for welcome. I step into the room a little further to let Harm enter after me. But I stop when I don't feel him close anymore and his hand leaving my back. As I turn I see he still hasn't moved. I reach out to touch his arm and only now does he look up and finally starts to move. Maybe that was why he asked me to join him today. He needed somebody by his side just as I needed him yesterday.

He silently closes the door behind us, both of us still fixed on each other forgetting for a moment why we were here, just trying to comfort each other by simple presence.

Quietly we turn to face Sturgis again. Only now do we see the other person that's present in the room. The chair has been hidden behind the door and is still half lost in the shadows. But we stiffen nonetheless.

The Admiral only shakes his head silently not to disturb the sleeping inhabitant of the room.

"Admiral," both Harm and me greet simultaneous when we recover from our surprise and relax a little.

"AJ." Normally he would have corrected us in a lightly tone but today his voice is holding a distance that I've heard before when things were troubling his mind.

"So how is he?" Harm finally asks slowly stepping nearer to Sturgis.

"It's not that bad. At least that's what they tell me. They say the chances are good that he'll fully recover."

"We truly hope so." I see Harm place his hand on his long time's friend's shoulder. I've rarely seen such an intimate action between these two men. But these are two men worried about someone they hold dear.

The room falls silent, all of us watching the breathing of the old man lying between us, hoping that he would be up and well soon.

After a while Sturgis is turning my way. "How are you doing at the conference Mac?"

And from the way his eyes linger on me I would say that he isn't referring to my thoughts about any possible changes in military law, at least not solemnly. I'm a bit surprised that he seems to know about Mic.

"It's okay I guess." He nods his head. "It's not much longer."

I'm sure now to see some understanding glistering in his eyes. I wonder if Bud has told him about my past with Mic.

Suddenly the Chaplain stirs and wakes up. He's looking round the room, surprised to see that much people. When his eyes make a second round through the room he manages a smile for each of us. I see his hand move towards his son's that lies on the bed.

-o-o-o-o-

I choose this moment to get up from my chair.

"I think we'll leave you alone for now. Good night Padre, Sturgis."

I turn to guide Harm and Mac out of the room to let father and son have some privacy.

"Good night," they both tell the two as well before Mac opens the door and the three of us step into the bright light of the corridor. I haven't realized how dark the room has gotten, having sat there for quite some time before Mac and Harm arrived.

We turn in the direction of the elevators walking alongside each other, each hanging onto own thoughts. Finally I break the silence.

"May I ask about this conference Sturgis spoke of?"

"It's some international get-together on the military law. We try to get some more ground rules set, which isn't always easy with that many opinions around," Mac tells me.

"And Commander how about you? Do you behave yourself?" I ask Rabb and am greeted by that sheepish grin of his.

"I'm on my best."

I see Mac join his smile and can't help but smile myself. Suddenly I feel somewhat relieved from what had captured my heart since the message of the Chaplain's apoplectic stroke.

I watch Rabb's hand fall into place on the small of Mac's back when he lets her enter the arriving lift first. The cabin is pretty cramped forcing us to move close. Close enough for Mac to lean against Harm wherefore his hand moves from her back onto her hip. I doubt he even realizes. However, she did for sure because I see her tense for a second before she settles into the situation and relaxes against him. Good thing I'm not their CO anymore.

-o-o-o-o-

I pay my bill and leave the cab at the exact spot where I entered it some time prior. I remain standing there. I've no desire to go up to my room and settle in for the night. I start strolling through the streets.

I find a bar, which's sign says they're offering Foster's, so in I go. I need something to remind me of home.

I place the sheet of paper I've got clinched in my fist until now next to my beer the moment the barkeeper provides it. I gulp down the first quarter. It tastes different from home, but it looks alike and that's the most I would get, the yellowish liquid in a glass with the imprinted red, blue and golden logo.

"You're going to call her?" The barkeeper has come back to me and spotted the paper.

"She's not home." I take another sip of the beer, my eyes never leaving her name.

"Might try again."

Why is it I'm meeting the second one already that wants me to contact her?

"Why are you interested in this?" I ask.

"Don't know. Guess I should be happy about the heartbroken, heh? They bring me a lot of money. But some days I just can't help it."

"I'm not heartbroken." I've been back then, but right now I'm only troubled by the past or rather the present.

"You're looking a damn lot like you are."

"So what do ya thing I should do?" I down the rest of my beer.

He takes the empty glass. "Want another one?" I shake my head. "Call her, get to her place, whatever." He shrugs his shoulders and walks away to talk to another miserable soul.

I stay at my stool, my eyes alternating between the sheet of paper and my own reflection in the mirror behind the bar. What do I really want? Do I want to talk to her, do I need to? Maybe both the old woman in the park and the barkeeper are right. But what if they are wrong? Should I take the chance?

-o-o-o-o-

The Admiral, AJ, has left us the moment we stepped into the cool of the night, so now Mac and me are left standing there, both looking into thepale light of the moon. Out of the corner of my eyes I see her open her mouth as if she wants to say something, but she doesn't. Instead she starts to move towards the parking lot. I see her shake her head slightly.

That's when I take my chances.

"How about I get us something to eat and we meet at your place?"

She stops and turns back my way. I see her struggling with herself. There is something on her mind. For a moment it looks as if she would once again decline my offer, but then she gives in.

"I'll see you there." Maybe she would tell me today, maybe she wouldn't. At least I would be there. To tell the truth, right now I couldn't be at my place all alone.

-o-o-o-o-

"Come on in, it's open," I call from my bedroom when it knocks on my door.

I finish pulling the sweater over my head and head for the door. I have changed after returning from the hospital.

"That was pretty quick." I know that Harm wanted to go to my favorite restaurant, and they're taking their time with getting your order ready. But they are good. Therefore, I'm a little surprised that he's already here.

However, I'm much more surprised when I step into the living room, not to see Harm enter my apartment but another man.

"Mic!" I remain in the doorway, leaning against the frame.

"Hello Sarah." He stays put next to the door.

Our eyes meet across the room, both unsure about what's going to happen next. I see him scan the room before his eyes come to rest on me again.

"Why are you here?" I manage to ask. I've dreaded this moment from the minute I first saw him and even though I've seen this coming I would have preferred it not to happen in my apartment, and especially not now.

"We need to talk." He walks over to the couch, settling down. His eyes never leaving me.

"There's not much we could talk about."

He nods his head, but still speaks up. "We need to put this behind us."

"What this?" I ask, though I know pretty well what he means. I for sure need to put my past behind me.

"Us."

"I thought you did that when you left for Australia four years back." I'm surprised that I still feel a stitch in the heart when I remember that day at the airport.

"Obviously neither of us did." I have to give him that. "Or things would have been different yesterday."

"So what do you want now?"

"I want to move on with life."

"Then do, I'm not preventing you from anything."

"You moved on?" He eyes me curios. And for once I'm not so sure I did. But I want to, and I want it to be with Harm. So I nod my head softly.

And as if he has read my thoughts he asks, "With Harm?"

"We are friends." That is what we are, and I'm hoping that we'll stay that if nothing else.

"Like you've been back then."

"You are still holding that against me?"

"Actually, yes I do. You've been with him when you should have been with me."

I'm building up a rage, I can feel it coming. "You've been the one that turned our relationship down. I needed somebody I could talk to." My voice is holding an angry edge.

"You could have talked to me." He chooses to ignore it.

"No I couldn't. You've just rejected me." Just like every other man in my life.

We both keep silent for several seconds pondering what to say next, when another voice breaks the silence.

"Mac you shouldn't leave your door open."

Perplexed I shift my glance from Mic to Harm. He is standing next to the door, one hand on the handle, the other holding the package of take-out.

"Brumby," he greets surprisingly even.

"Rabb." Mic's greeting is holding much more crunch against the other man.

"Didn't know you're back again." Harm closes the door, his eyes lingering on Mic.

"Sent here for the conference," he states matter-of-factly.

I'm following their exchange always expecting some outburst from either of them. Nevertheless, both keep their distance, literally and physically, Mic on my couch, Harm with his back to the door. There lies a hostile tension in the air nonetheless.

I focus on Harm when I hear him address me. "Last night?"

I nod. He nods back. He then turns, his eyes traveling over Mic for a short moment, heading into the kitchen.

"You having dinner with us Brumby?"

I'm shocked on his question. I expected him to get hurt, jealous… whatever, but not asking Mic for staying. I hope Mic is not going to take him up on his offer. I couldn't stand having both Harm and Mic sit together next to me and having a quiet dinner when neither matters with Mic nor with Harm are anything near settled.

"I've already had. I'd better go now." He pulls himself up and leaves without giving either me or Harm who had vanished into the kitchen by now another glance.

I let the breath escape my lungs. Good thing he's gone now, though I'm sure it's not over yet.

I follow Harm to the kitchen but stop in the doorway. He's got his back turned towards me, searching for some plates. I wait for him to turn around but he doesn't.

"You want juice or water?" he asks scanning the fridge he just opened.

"Water would be fine." I watch him take out two bottles and add them to the tray he's been preparing. He grabs it from the counter and finally turns my way. But he isn't looking at me he keeps his eyes on the tray, passing me on his way out. I can't stand this any longer. I reach for his arm to stop him. I don't want this day to go on like this.

"I'm sorry. I didn't ask him to come here."

He still isn't looking at me he simply puts the tray down and keeps standing there motionless, his hands on the table.

"Harm, would you please look at me?"

He turns, and I finally see the hurt in his eyes. He managed to keep it out of his voice, but his eyes are giving it away. There is something else as well. Something I can't place.

"I intended to tell you today."

"Why couldn't you last night?"

"I was confused. I didn't know what to make of it. This took me by surprise, I wasn't up to it. I'm still not."

"You still love him?" I can see the fight he's putting up with himself to keep his eyes on me.

"No." I desperately try to radiate that through my eyes as well. He needs to know this to be the truth. "But Mic's appearance shook me pretty bad. My mind was going in circles, I couldn't get anything straight. He brought back so many things I thought I have stored behind sealed doors, but obviously I haven't."

He just looks at me, waiting for me to go on. Moreover, I know that I couldn't stop here, I need to tell him or he wouldn't understand.

"When Mic returned it was like my whole past returned. This whole day I had pictures of past relationships chasing each other in my mind. You remember the day you talked to Sturgis about my relationships and the men either being dead or feeling like they are?"

He immediately casts his eyes down to the floor. "I'm sorry for that. I didn't mean to –"

"But you were right. I think Mic would agree with that. And thinking about it, I come to the conclusion that with every past relationship I tried I'm cursed. Nothing worked out. Mic's return made me think about it. Probably I'm not made for a relationship. Not even with you." I whisper the last words.

"I'm willing to try my luck." He steps closer to me. I can feel his breath on my skin. "And even if you're cursed, so am I." He softly touches my cheek. "We'll make it through."

"You promise?" I ask, hopefully gazing into his blue eyes though I know he can't promise because he doesn't know. However, his promise would help me believe in the chance.

"I promise to try with my every might." He brushes his lips against mine for a short moment. "Want to have dinner with me?" He steps back a little and holds his hand out for me to take.

"I've already planed some other date."

"Guess you have to cancel that." He guides me to the nearest chair and pulls it out for me.

"Think so." I watch him place the plates, glasses and boxes of food on the table.

-o-o-o-o-

Oh, that went well. What made me trust two strangers more than my own knowledge of her? Just thirty minutes ago I believed they were right and getting here would finally bring me closure on what's long gone. I probably wanted to believe it would. Why am I needing this in the first place, why is it I haven't moved on yet? Is it really about this one failed relationship? I know I've been right to walk outta here the first time, I can still tell from this one look they shared. It never changed and it never will. So why am I feeling that bad about it?

When I cross the street I look back up at her place. There behind the alighted windows she's going on with life. And as much as I hate the thought of whom she's doing it with, I envy her for the simple fact she's doing so. But then again it's always been easier for her, she wasn't the one to be rejected, to be cheated on. She knew where to go. I never really did, even though I knew Australia was a place to start.

I think back to the moment he walked into her apartment just so casually as if he belonged there. Without much thought my hands curl into fists. He's still doing that to me. I've only barely managed not to get up from my place and meet his face with my fist for welcome. Suddenly I clearly recall the day the Admiral made us go in the old warehouse to solve whatever there was between the two of us. I can still feel my fist on his jaw; still feel the pain his punches caused. But what good did it do in the end? Nothing changed. Sarah still went back to Washington with him. True I got her to wear my ring. Seeing his look when he discovered it still brings a smile to my face. However, in hindsight he did win, didn't he? He was the one that got her around. There wasn't much change about it when I returned to the States.

So today I just walked out again, regretting that I came in the first place.

-o-o-o-o-

It is as if we've both signed a treaty of non-aggression. We keep the questions easy and the topics light throughout dinner.

The boxes are nearly empty when we fall silent. There is no more easy chatter. We both know that. We've reached the point where both of us need to clarify what happened minutes ago and last night.

After we picked at the last remnants of our dinner to stretch the time I take everything back into the kitchen taking my time. I know I want this, need to do this, finally.

When I return Harm is sitting on the couch his eyes closed. I would like to know what he's thinking right now. I settle down next to him, one foot tucked under my body, the other on the floor so I could turn towards him.

I'm still not speaking, he's still not looking. We both have to prepare ourselves for what is there to come.

I wring my hands searching for the words to start this. He stops me by taking both of mine into one of his hands. I let them fall into my lap. His hand stays with mine.

The moment I open my mouth he turns his head and smiles at me. This smile assures me I'm doing the right thing.

"This got me scared."

While I speak I run my fingers over the skin of his hand that is now resting on my knee. I trail his fingers with my fingertips brushing over the sinews that clearly show.

"For all my adult life I've been building walls around my heart to not ever be hurt again. I've told myself if I don't love and don't get too close to anybody I can't be hurt. But still with each of my failed relationships I've been left hurting and crying. As a solution, I've been erecting these walls and swore it would be different the next time. The problem with that is I've never really loved any of them. I've been in love yes, but I did never truly love. I thought I didlove Clay, but I probably told myself so often I started believing it. So this leaves me scarred what real love would do."

I turn his hand, my glance still on his face. Without noticing he now offers me his palm. I run my index finger across it. He flinches when I pass the middle of it. A weak spot.

"I'm scarred to have my heart lying bare and vulnerable. I'm scarred that you do that to me."

I press my finger to his lips when he wants to say something. I need to finish this first.

"For each of your touches, each of your smiles makes my walls crumble. But I'm even more scared to loose you. That you would move on, finally, without me. And I'm left behind, my heart bleeding and my best friend gone."

I've taken hold of his hand. I press my fingers against his. I watch my hand against his. My fingers look so much smaller and more breakable compared to his. He moves his hand slightly so his fingers slip between mine. Immediately our fingers intertwine.

-o-o-o-o-

I softly press her hand to reassure her of my words.

"You don't have to be scarred Sarah. I'm moving nowhere. I'm right where I want to be. It has taken me years but now my heart as well as yours lies open. Open for you to take care of it. And if we both mind our steps they will heal in time, and not only heal but get stronger."

I touch her cheek, my thumb catching the tears that are falling from her eyes. I can feel my eyes pool as well.

So that's it. There are still several things left unsaid but this is the beginning and for once we told the other about our feelings, not in the explicit words, but still clear enough for us to understand.

I feel the sudden need to have her close. Therefore, I let go of her hand and softly wrap my arms around her shoulders. Instantly she's leaning into the embrace and I pull her even closer. I can feel her heartbeat next to mine. For several minutes we sit in silence reveling in each others presence.

"You should talk to Mic, really talk I mean."

She frees herself from my arms and backs away a questioning look in her eyes she has now focused on me.

I keep her from totally escaping my reach by letting my hands linger on her shoulders.

"To put the past at rest, once and for all."

The look of her eyes changes. She does understand.

"Would you talk to Renee?"

"Maybe." She eyes me skeptically.

"Guess we have to see once we get to the point, huh?"

She nods but is probably hoping just as much as I am that this would never be and Renee would never again cross the path of our lives.

Then Mac leans back into my embrace.

"Would you stay tonight?" She has only whispered it so softly the words were almost lost to me.

I nod. "Sure."

-o-o-o-o-

I strip into my boxers and T-Shirt and set the alarm for the next morning while Mac is in the bathroom getting ready as well. When she comes out equally clad in T-Shirt and shorts we give each other a smile through the darkness of the room and change places.

The bathroom holds a distant scent of cinnamon when I enter. I splash some water in my face and my mouth. That'll have to do for tooth brushing, I hope Mac doesn't mind.

As I come back out Mac is standing by her window looking into the night her face softly lit by a street light.

"It's cold and lonely out there," she says.

I walk over wrapping my arms around her from behind.

"Thank you for staying with me."

"It's not that you had to force me, is it?" I smile into her hair. The cinnamon is softly wavering around her.

"Let's go to bed." She walks over pulling me behind her.

And as if we've done that for ages my body spoons against hers while she pulls my arm over her and up to her pillow so she could rest her face on my hand.

"Good night Harm." She kisses the back of my hand.

"Sweet dreams Sarah," I whisper into her ear.

-o-o-o-o-