Excel Saga Fan fiction

Loose Ends

By Kraven Ergeist (Formerly known as Draco Delphinus)

Rikudo Koshi: "I own Excel Saga and you don't! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

Il Palazzo: (Shoots him) "Now, Excel Saga is property of Neo-Across."

Kraven: Is actually the president of Across: "Why thank you, Il Palazzo."

Il Palazzo: "What? Hey."

Kraven: "Let's just say that nobody owns it at this point."

Chapter Four: Menchi's Old Man vs. the Bowling Musume

"Why are we going here again?" Excel whined, as she and Hyatt made their way to the bowling alley whence they appeared in episode 7.

Excel received no answer, seeing as though Hyatt was phasing in and out of life, death, and various stages of comatose and catatonic states, while at the same time, managing to keep up with her by dragging her own corpse along with her senior.

Upon entering, they saw the Bowling Musume was just setting up, however, minus a particular pair of crewmembers.

"Hey, you two main characters there!" shouted the very homosexual looking manager. "You too look exactly like our actresses who play Excel and Hyatt in our production! You two are perfect for the job!"

Excel glared and snorted. "We ARE Excel and Hyatt! Now you better give me a good stinking reason WHY we came all the way back here just to pay respects to YOUR measly posterior!"

The manager sweat dropped. "Oh, fear not, young lady. We have made several developments. In fact, our show has become increasingly popular among the youngsters of F Prefect in F City. In fact, we became so successful, that we moved into this bowling alley permanently!"

Excel sort of stammered. "But…but…how…how could a BOWLING show become popular? And one as lousy as this one!"

Deep within Across, Il Palazzo quickly switched off the TV, which was playing reruns of Bowling Musume.

"Whoops," he muttered.

Back at the alley, the director shrugged. "After the first recording of the invasion of the Ball and Pins group, we got calls off the hook, requesting more! After that, we offered the gang a contract, and they gladly accepted our request!"

Excel scratched her head. "But didn't they hold you hostage last time?"

The director shook his head. "Oh, yes, but we were able to see over our differences in this matter. In fact, here comes the star as we speak!"

Excel gulped as she turned around to face the gang leader, Strike Snake. "Um…hiya…uh…uh…"

Snake smiled. "Well, if it isn't the little girl who beat me last time. Care for a rematch?"

Excel cringed, as she nervously poked her fingers together. "Um…well, firstly, could you tell us why you decided to work here?"

Snake spread his arms wide. "When the offer was made to my gang to bowl for money, how could we turn it down?"

Excel scratched her head. "But why not just bowl professionally from the start? Why did you start a gang?"

Snake sat down, with an Earth rumbling shake. "We tried out to get onto many professional teams, but the way we bowl was unapproved by the authorities. So we started a gang to bowl the way WE want to bowl."

Excel nodded. "Violently?"

"TACTFULLY!" Snake yelled, spit flying every, sending Excel hurdling backward. "More tactfully than anyone we've ever faced. Except for you. But these guys at the bowling Musume, despite being total WIMPS!…" he glared at the director, who just cringed. "…Actually have an appreciation for the way we bowl."

Excel nodded. "Ok, then. I guess that makes sense."

Snake rubbed his hands together. "Anyway, now that that's over…why not start today's feature of Bowling Musume off with an encore presentation of "The Balls and Pins Gang Versus Team Across!" Let's get it on!" (A/N – Try to imagine this guy yelling this cognate in Japanese. ')

"Righty-o!" the directed shouted, gesturing to the cameraman. "But, first, we need Excel and Hyatt to fill in for our missing actresses!"

As Excel and Hyatt stepped into position, Excel scratched her head. "What ever happened to the fake Excel and Hyatt anyhow?"

As though to answer her question, the scene flipped from the bowling alley to a fast food restaurant, featuring the fake Excel and Hyatt flipping burgers. "Good morning!" They said in unison. "May we take your order?"

The real Excel laughed so hard, she fell over. "Oh-ho-ho! It serves them right for that! Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

Hyatt tapped her on the shoulder. "Um, Excel, the tape is rolling."

Instantly, Excel and Hyatt began singing "Loyalty in the name of Love." Excel, however, was upside down for the first line. At the second line, she righted herself, only to have Hyatt fall over in a catatonic seizure. On the third line, Excel took note and again returned to the floor to resuscitate her, only to have Hyatt snap back to her feet, resulting in a neat flipping effect that worked in real harmoniously to the music.

"Beautiful! Beautiful!" the director screamed. "I love your ingenuity, ladies! The job is yours!"

Excel managed to mutter a meek, "We already have a job," before an unfamiliar voice rang through the alley.

"Move over, guys!" A young woman screamed. "From Iron and Steel to Yakisoba, the guardian of the family! The Alps Foundation that's there behind you when you reach to scratch an itch! Alps! Alps! Alps for you!"

The young blonde stood before the Musume with a victory sign in hand. "Ann Anzai's coming through!"

As the Bowling Musume and the B&P gang stared in bewilderment, Excel just sort of stared. "Uh…who are you?"

Ann Anzai sighed, harshly. "Must I go through that whole introduction again?"

Excel held up her hands. "Um, no, no, that's fine!"

Ann huffed. "That's good. Anyhow, I decide to go bowling one day, and who should I run into?"

Excel spread her arms, eager for praise. "The bold and beautiful Excel?"

Ann smiled. "Heck no. Look behind you!"

Excel turned her head to see Menchi waving her paw. It was apparent, however, that she was previously engaged in the task of devouring some stale popcorn.

"Menchi!" Excel shouted. "When did you get here?"

Menchi barked her answer.

"Uhh…" Excel scratched her head. "It makes me wish I could understand you."

Ann stepped over to her and picked her up. "Menchi and I had quite an adventure together. We voyaged across the world in eighty hours, and even fought a villainous-"

KABOOM!

Speaking of the devil, who should show up, but - you guessed it - Menchi's Old Man, in a new and improved android body.

"At last!" he yelled. "I'm back to get you, my pretty. And your little dog too."

The Wicked Witch of the West made a sudden cameo appearance and stomped the Old Man in the head with her pointy black shoes. "Don't steal my line, you old twit."

"Sorry," the old man muttered, as the witch blew off.

(A/N: I know, Wizard of Oz is in no way related to Excel, but I just had to throw that in. ')

"Regardless, I have returned, as I said I would," the Old Man said. "And now it's time for you to pay a price for the hell that you put me through."

Before he could take another step, Strike Snake stomped his foot and shouted. "Now, wait a minute! Anyone thinking of fighting in MY bowling Alley has to fight by my rules! And I say that anyone who wants to settle a battle must do it in the typical bowling fashion!"

"Hold it! Hold it! HOLD it!" Excel screamed. "Will somebody PLEASE explain to me what is going on!"

Hyatt raised her finger. "It appears as though this lady, this old man and Menchi are familiar with one another."

Excel spun around in circles, as everyone kept their gaze on him. "How could Menchi know these people without me knowing about it? Why am I kept in ignorance about these things! Will someone please realize that I'M THE MAIN CHARACTER HERE?"

Il Palazzo sighed from within Across HQ. "You leave me no choice, Excel," and he pulled the handle for the trapdoor. Prior to the occasion, Il Palazzo made a deal with the bowling alley to install a trap door. He had also consulted a number of clergy as to predict where Excel would be standing at the time.

"Wah!" Excel shouted as she fell. "Why does this always happen to me!"

By the time Excel returned to the scene, the bowling battle was well underway. Much like the bowling battle prior, the balls and pins, as well as the means of propelling said items, were extravagantly outrageous, as were the number of unavoidable casualties being simply ignored by the laws of physics in that particular bowling alley.

"Hm…" Excel muttered. "I must remember my training from Nabeshin."

Excel pondered for a moment, when something occurred to her. "Oh, yeah. He never actually trained me!"

Rolling up her sleeves, Excel spiraled up to the lane. "Well, then, I'll have to improvise! I beat this guy once before, and I can beat him again!"

Excel blasts Strike Snake's ball with her Nabeshin Bomb Ball.

"Yahoo!" Excel exclaimed. "Excel won!"

Hyatt tapped her shoulder. "Uh, senpai? Snake was on our team."

Excel face-faulted, as Snake walked away, withered. "She beat me again…"

The Old Man laughs. "Perfect! One down, the rest to go!"

Just then, the sound of barking sound be heard, as - bet you didn't guess this - Takahashi, and his team of Dogs, all with robotic life support and physical enhancement.

Meanwhile, Rikudo was trying and failing to wrestle his way into the animation studio where Nabeshin was writing this.

"That was never part of the script!" Rikudo exclaimed, within the grasp of Nabeshin's bouncers. "I want my lawyer! Stop that man!"

Takahashi, Kyoko, Drummer, and Professor all had biomechanical fittings a-la Alps foundations (Hey, they do everything, so why not robotic enhancements of their own to counter the Hounds' biomechanical productions?)

Menchi was beside herself with surprise as she yipped around her long lost friends in glee.

"What's this?" Excel demanded. "More of Menchi's friends that I don't know about? When are the mysteries going to end!"

Takahashi just grinned. "It's nice to see you too, Menchi!"

Kyoko winked. "How you doing, girlfriend?"

Professor crossed his arms. "I thought we were all done for, until the nice men from the Alps foundation found us and restored us. We have miss Anzai to thank for that!"

Anzai just grinned.

"Y…you!" The Old Man yelped. "You're come back to haunt me! You'll all die!" he yelled, as he whipped out twin cannons, and began firing multiple bowling balls out of each.

Takahashi leapt into the air. "No you don't!" and with his mechanical body, slapped each ball out of the air, Matrix style.

Professor whipped out a cannon of his own. "Liquid Nitrogen attack!"

The Old Man became frozen in a cube of ice.

Kyoko swung a flamethrower over her back and shouted, "Super Fireball attack!"

The ice melted, and the Old Man fell to the ground.

Drummer rushed the Old Man and yelled, "Some Super Duper Rock-Star Canine Attack!"

And The Old Man was blasted through the ceiling and into the air.

"Oh, this is great!" the director of Bowling Musume cried. "With this footage, our ratings will double at least! Our pay will go through the roof!"

His assistant looked up. "Speaking of going through the roof, we'll need it to, if we want to repair the damage to ours."

Hyatt stood in front of the camera. "Well, that's all the time we have tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Tune in next time, when we interview our next guest, mister – Urp!"

Next in line: the Inunabe Baseball Team and the Post – Apocalyptic – Fist-of-the-North-Star – Rip-Off characters.