Author's Note: CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE SEASON FINALE. Courtesy of an extremely slow day in the ME's office (and my first full day off this month!). Hope you like the update.
Most days were spent sitting at home waiting for the telephone to ring. James Wesley had been good about getting me frequent updates. I began to look forward to his calls, though they were often times fruitless.
I spent hours trying to think of where Sara would run to. I worked with her for seven years, but I knew so little about where Sara came from. I knew she grew up in California, and Sara went to school at Harvard. I knew she dreamt of working for the FBI. Sara always said that she wanted to travel. After all, she didn't have anyone to tie her down to a particular city. I could never stray that far from Texas. I could never travel more than an infrequent vacation or conference. Part of me envied her freedom, but a larger part of me felt sorry for her.
I hadn't gone back to the crime lab. Catherine, Grissom, and Ecklie have left tens of messages on my answering machine. Catherine called to tell my machine that she put me on a leave of absence. She said she could give me a month, which would use up all my paid vacation time. She begged me to come back to the lab. Catherine had gone so far as to promise to help me look for Sara. I didn't know whether to feel touch or be repulsed. Catherine hated Sara; after Eddie's murder, Catherine hated Sara, blamed Sara, and took years worth of hatred out on Sara. She had effectively used Sara as a bargaining chip. I chose to be repulsed.
I spent hours on my computer trying to track Sara. I checked obituaries daily. I spent hours calling crime labs across the country to see if Sara had applied for a position. They all promised to call me if she did, but I knew the memory of those promises would fade the moment word of a DB rolled through the doors. I read news reports about accident victims. I had gone so far as to try to have Sara listed as a missing person. Brass gently told me that he couldn't. The circumstances she left under weren't mysterious enough.
The rest of my days were devoted to playing the 'what if' game. I tortured myself endlessly about how I should have treated Sara. I spent hours wondering what it would be like to hold her in my arms and tell her that everything was going to be okay. I dreamt of what it would be like to make love to her. I tried to imagine what it would be like to wake up with Sara's head rested on my chest. The closest I would ever come was when I helped Sara to her feet after she tripped while running. She let me examine her badly scraped knee. I could see the tears well in her eyes, but she refused to cry. I asked if she wanted me to kiss her 'boo-boo.' Sara smacked me in the shoulder before laughing. That was so long ago.
I didn't cry when Brass, Greg, or Warrick come to visit me. I didn't really talk to them about Sara either. It hurt to talk about her. Physically, it caused my chest to tighten. It made it impossible for me to breathe. Emotionally, it made me fall to pieces. I chose to cry only when I knew no one would see me. I didn't want them to ask me why I was crying. I didn't want to have to tell them that I waited too damn long to tell Sara that I loved her. I told her that I loved her every night, but the problem was that she was gone . . . she would never hear my admission.
"Nick, she's in Washington DC. She's applying for a job at the FBI. She's applied for a few different government job . . . law enforcement, secret service, forensic research. Just a whole gamut of things," Wesley said.
"Thanks. Keep watching her for me," I replied before I hung up the telephone. I stuffed some clothes into a duffle bag. I called my mother to tell her that I was taking a vacation. I told her that I would call her as soon as I got home. She didn't seem worried. She wished me a safe trip. My mother asked me to tell Sara hello. My mother liked Sara; my mother like how Sara found the coffin that I was buried in. My mother was impressed that Sara dug through the dirt with her bare hands. Sara's fingertips were rubbed down to the bone, but my mother said that didn't stop her. I couldn't remember if I ever thanked Sara for saving me.
I booked a flight to DC. I waited uncomfortably at McCarren for four hours before the flight left. It gave me more time to think about Sara. I wondered if she would come back with me. I wondered if she would let me find her.
Hours later, I arrived in a city I had been to only twice. I arrived with only a duffle bag in my hands; I neglected to think about lodging, food, and all the necessities. I stood in the busy concourse wondering if this was a bad idea. Just because she applied for jobs didn't mean she was even in DC yet.
I roamed the monuments and parks praying that I might run into her. Normally, the grandness of the monuments and beautiful of fresh, pink cherry blossoms might captivate me, but they blurred into the background. I fixated on every woman. I search their faces for Sara. I walked for hours before checking into a hotel room that I couldn't afford. I laid on the white linens wondering if I would go home empty handed.
I knew Sara would find some kind of work in Washington. I knew she would be a prime candidate for the FBI. I rationalized that although Washington DC was a busy metropolis, I would eventually run into Sara if I moved here. I might see her in a grocery store or a restaurant. I might hear that she is lecturing at one of the many local universities. My pipedream made it easier for me to fill out applications at local crime labs.
"Nicky, her credit card was used in DC yesterday. Don't you dare tell anyone that I had Archie hack into her information. Don't you dare give up everything you have in Vegas to chase her," Catherine said bitterly. I replayed the message several times. I figured Catherine must have gotten the paperwork from Bethesda. I had successfully become a member of their crime lab. I applied for nightshift so I could search for her during the day.
I called my mother to say that I was taking a job in Maryland. She feigned excited, but actually congratulated me when I told her that this was an opportunity for me to advance professionally. I also reminded my mother that I was ready to meet a smart girl . . . a smart, career-minded girl to start a life with. It was a tiny white lie. I was going to find Sara so I could start my life with her.
I found an apartment near work. I stood in the middle of the empty living room and stared at its enormity. Two days later, I flew back to Vegas to frantically pack up my life. Greg and Brass were the only ones to come by and offer their help. Warrick told me that I was giving up my life to find her. I disagreed; I wasn't going to be happy without her. I was miserable without her.
I was willing to go to any lengths to find Sara.