(Author's Note: This story isn't serious. If you're curious as to WHAT THE HELL INSPIRED ME it was a picture Zarla drew of Edgar stabbing Nny. I commented on it with a "script" she found hilarious, so I decided I'd expand the scenario a bit and make it into some horrible parody of every overdone slash fic in history. Inspiration for THAT came from yet ANOTHER pic she drew. Well, not quite, it was more a series of pics than anything. Okay, this is getting too long, so I'll just start already. You've been warned.)

We begin our tale of magic and wonder in a high school. This is a high school full of angst and horror and terror and destruction and mayhem, and most of the students are suicidal goth my-eye-color-changes-with-my-mood girls who desperately need boyfriends. This is because this is the way fanfics go, you see.

Two of our darling said students are standing by their lockers. One is a beautiful BEAUTIFUL OMG HAWTT guy who kills people and has very spiky hair. Not like Cloud Strife kinda spiky. Haha, that'd be funny. Well, anyway, this man here goes by the name of Johnny and you will never know his full last name because we hate you like that. See?

His compatriot is Edgar. Our beloved little Edgar is one hot mama, because everyone has to be attractive in fanfiction. It's the laws of nature. Today Edgar has decided he's going to declare his UNDYING love for his darling little HAWTTEE right here and now! Isn't that right Edgar?

Edgar: Yes.

I thought so.

Anyway, see, Edgar decided that he wanted to make everyone sew jellies, especially all the gills, so he decided that everyone who read the fic Vargas that Zarla wrote is going to be bombarded with a horrible yet humorous interpretation of a picture she drew. Isn't that riiiiight?

Edgar: Yes.

Edgar agrees with me because I kidnapped all the plot bunnies that supposedly bite off the arms of bad fic writers and I threatened to kill them if he didn't comply with everything I requested. Don't ask questions, kiddies, or I'll kill them RIGHT HERE AND NOW. Capice? Yeah, I thought so.

Suddenly, out of the blue, a CAR DRIVES THROUGH THE HALLWAY AND DEATH ITSELF IS AT THE DOOR WE'RE AT DEATH'S DOOR because the most beautiful girl EVER has driven into the hallway on her gorgeous new automobile. So, wait, scratch that. It's an ambulence-motorcycle-electric-gas-guzzling-SUV-truck-hybrid, because Mary Sues need Suemobiles. Maybe the plot bunnies raised the money. I have no idea.

This girl is incredibly hot and beautiful and sexy and you want her right now because she's good-looking with no explanation as to why she's so captivating. Actually, there IS an explanation, but it's so wordy I doubt you could make any sense of it. So let's just go with this.

Suddenly the girl latches onto Edgar's arm like a piranha!

Girl: I WANT YOU OMGZ BCUZ IF I DON'T ILL DY KUZ I NEED YOU LYK RITE NOW OKEEZ NOW LETZ GO

Edgar: I realize you've jut spoken in utterly nonsensical "English" and I don't even know you, but on the other hand, a plot bunny has just threatened to kill me if I don't give into your incredible beauty. Let's go have sex.

Just then, Johnny goes all JEALOUSY on us. Whoops, I think one of the plot bunnies broke free. Screw this. Well, anyway, he runs up and grabs Edgar's arm because

Nny: MY EDGAR! LET GOOOOOOOO!

and that is totally in-character because this is fanfiction and EVERYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN FANFICTION AND I'M THE AUTHOR I AM GOD SO I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME.

Then Edgar's arm RIPS OFF.

Nny: O NOS IM SEW SORREE EDGUR LETZ GEW HAV SEKZ SEW WE KEN MAYK UP!11!1one

Whoops, looks like someone got plot bunny rabies! I told the gatekeeper to stand watch! DARN HIS EYES!

Edgar: Okay!

And then the Mary Sue vanishes because her only purpose was for plot advancement. That's a new vocabulary word, boys and girls! Learn it and learn it well.

After having incredibly wild and untamed and OOC and six-minute-long and awesome sex involving bizarre euphemisms for sex organs, a plot bunny scampers across the screen. This is a scene advancement screen, ya know, like in those movies? Yeah.

Johnny is now a vampire because if you wear black, that makes you a vampire. Hermione – I mean, Black Shock, is a great example of this.

Nny: I'm a vampire! Wanna become one of the walking undead and be cursed to eternal unlife and suffering?

Edgar: That's completely against my religion but I'd gladly give up Heaven so I could become a horrible, blood-sucking monster! Bite me, big boy!

After being bitten Edgar melts into a puddle of wax. Wow, didn't see that coming.

Nny: Oh. You're dead.

Actually, Nny, Edgar isn't quite dead. He's just a puddle.

Nny: Oh. Can we still have sex?

Yes.

Then they have sex. Again. Wow, is this turning into a lemon?

After the scene I mean plot advancement bunny hops along joyfully, we are introduced to a beautiful garden of roses and love.

Nny: I'm going to kill you.

Edgar: NO U WONT!11one

Nny grabs a knife and tries to stab Edgar. However, unbeknownst to Johnny, Edgar is a superhero! Using his ultra super powers, our little God Boy takes Nny's knife and STABS HIM WITH IT.

Nny: O NOS IM DED XX

Edgar: My life has been saved…but at what cost?

The cost of your sanity, Edgar. Your sanity. And a plague on both your houses! Hey, it could happen!

Edgar: I am now feeling suicidal. Goodbye, cruel world!

Edgar stabs himself and dies and becomes an angel, while Nny becomes a demon. This is oh-so-predictable.

Edgar: insert misinterpreted Catholic mythology here

Nny: Let's have sex, because God knows nothing's more creative than an angel and a demon having sex!

Something tells me I'm gonna regret writing this.

Nny then inserts his glowing jewel-encrusted stick of glory into Edgar's plughole. Nny plunges in his thung along with the shower head already inside little God Boy, and moves it around like a cowboy rides a donkey. Horse. Whatever.

After a very long bout of poorly described sex without removing any articles of clothing, they both disappear for no particular reason and are warped into another dimension. Yes, that's right. It's an AU.

In this particular dimension, the entire world's population is wiped out due to a horrible disease. Edgar somehow catches it.

Edgar: I'm going to die.

Nny: Although we technically already did, yes, Edgar, you are.

Edgar: Can we have sex first?

Nny: Sure.

Ahh, the wonders of a badly written parody during fits of boredom and breaking of promises.

Just before Johnny is about to spurt Edgar three feet away with his superpowered manjuices, the plot bunnies escape! Drat, foiled again! This time they trample everyone and everyone dies.

Edgar: I thought everyone was already dead.

Don't ask questions, Edgar.

Thus ends the first chapter. In our "exiting" next installment, Edgar and Johnny have escaped the plot bunnies! But, can they tackle the Typo Demon?