TITLE: My Dearest
AUTHOR: Simon
RATING: G…some angst
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters; I make no money from them.
SUMMARY: Horatio wakes up about life with Mavis
ARCHIVE: surely, if you'd like
FEEDBACK: Of course, that's half the fun…!
My Dearest (The letter began),
I wish with all my heart that this need not be written, but you must know what has happened. Mama offered to write to you in my stead, but I must be the one to tell you, my Horatio.
It is with the deepest sorrow I must tell you that our child, the one I carried this last nine months, was stillborn yesterday. The midwife assures me that I am healthy and that the baby, a girl, was normal in everyway. She said that the cord became tangled about her neck as she was being delivered and that sometimes these things happen and there was nothing to be done.
I have named her Rebecca and she will be laid to rest in our family's plot here in Portsmouth tomorrow.
You are not to worry about me. I am all right and Mama is here to keep a careful watch on me. In fact, I have decided to stay with her for a short while so that I might regain my usual strength.
I miss you desperately, as you know, but I trust that we shall see each other soon and then we shall help each other put this behind us.
Neddy is well, perfect in fact, and growing by the minute. He is running now, like the wild Indians we hear about in the old Colonies and twice as noisy. I do not complain, Sweeting, though I sound as though I do. He is such a joy to me and I am thankful that if you cannot be with me, then he can. He is so very like you.
I know that you are well, my darling and I love you.
Mavis
Commander Horatio Hornblower stared at the letter that had just been delivered with the dispatches to him on Hotspur, attached to the Western Mediterranean fleet. He must see about going aboard Tonnant to tell Commodore Pellew what had happened to his daughter. Likely Sophie had already written him, but he should be told just in case.
"Mr. Bush. Please signal Tonnant requesting a brief meeting with the Commodore at his convenience."
"Aye aye, Sir."
The signals were sent and within the hour Hornblower was being rowed over to the flagship where his father in law was in command. After being piped aboard, he was shown to the large cabin, lightly knocked and was immediately admitted by a Lieutenant who opened the door for him.
"Please come in, Captain. The Commodore will be finished in just a moment and then will see you. Would you care for a glass of port while you're waiting?" Declining the offer, Hornblower crossed over to peer out the large stern windows, Hotspur catching his eye on the larboard side. He automatically assessed her, noting that she looked well, everything in order and obviously well maintained. He was pleased by the appearance she made from this distance.
The sound of a door opening behind him caused him to turn and he automatically saluted. "Good afternoon, sir. It's good of you to see me on such short notice."
Pellew walked over to the young Commander, putting his hands on both of his shoulders in what was almost an embrace. The Lieutenant saw this, seeming to disapprove. He was ignored. "Horatio, how well you look, what would you like? Port? Madeira? I know, could we get you a cup of coffee?"
At this, and the obvious attempt to make him feel welcomed, Hornblower smiled and agreed. "Coffee would be a treat, sir, thank you."
"Well, then, Lieutenant?" The man nodded and left to see to it, closing the door behind him. The two officers sat together in the comfortable chairs that Pellew had set to look out the great windows. "Horatio, what news?"
He paused for a moment. He hadn't actually thought how he would phrase this. "I'm afraid that I've received some sad news from home, sir." Pellew stared at him, almost through him. "I've had a letter from Mavis today. I'm afraid that the baby was born dead."
Sadly, Edward shook his head.
"I'm assured that she will recover, and that she can have others. There was difficulty with the birth, she said and nothing really to be done."
"I'm sorry, Horatio. Truly, I am. This is—unfortunate."
"Yes, sir. It was a girl this time, I'm told."
"Most unfortunate. I'll write to her at once."
"Thank you, sir, I'm sure that would please her."
The conversation lagged. There seemed little to say that wouldn't be trite or a cliché.
They heard a discreet knock on the door that opened as the steward entered with the promised pot of hot coffee.
Pouring out two cups, he silently withdrew.
"Is there anything else that you'd like to speak of, Horatio? Is everything well between you and Mavis? I realize that this—tragedy—will have to be addressed, but other than that, is all well?" Sophie has written to him of the tears and the silences between the young couple when they were last together.
Horatio hesitated as he sipped the hot drink. Was all well? God, he didn't know where to begin, let alone how much he should reveal. No, all was far from well and he had no idea about how to cope with the mounting problems between him and his wife. There was little he could say, especially to Sir Edward—his superior officer and his father-in-law. There was too much that he didn't understand himself. He was grateful to have the sea to escape to.
"You do still love the girl, do you not?"
"Yes. I still love Mavis and Neddy." Horatio paused to sip his coffee, obviously using the stall to gather his thoughts. "I've no doubt that she loves me." Another pause, a painful one. "When we're together, we have trouble understanding one another." He was speaking slowly and deliberately, thoughtfully. "We seem to rub each other raw, without wanting to and then we argue and attempt to apologize and the cycle begins again. I don't know how to stop it."
"Have the two of you tried to think what the cause of your discontent might be? I know that young people nowadays seem to believe that all should be smooth sailing when one weds, but the fact of the matter is that there are any number of shoals to be skirted." Pellew paused a moment, watching the younger man. "Sophie and I have had our share of differences over the years. It's not easy being married to a military man. Often away, often in danger, letters sporadic….it's a difficult way for a woman to live, especially one as young as Mavis."
"I fear that you may be right, sir." Horatio was speaking quietly, somewhat sadly. "I've thought that we might have benefited from delaying our marriage, if we had waited instead of marrying in haste as we did. I think perhaps—if she were a bit older, maybe not so much in years as in—experience, we might be more evenly matched."
"Horatio, you both seemed so sure of ourselves when you wed. I thought that you had put your misgivings behind you."
"I…no. I knew she wished to be married before Renown sailed and I gave in to her wishes. It was such an uncertain time, sir. I wanted her to be happy." He smiled sadly at that last. "
"And so she seemed, so you both seemed."
Hornblower was looking out the windows again, lost in thought. He started slightly, realizing that he was being rude as the silence continued on a bit too long. "Forgive me, sir, I've taken too much of your time. I must return to Hotspur." He rose to go.
Pellew joined him putting his coffee cup down as he stood. "Horatio, I've need of a ship to transport dispatches to Portsmouth. Our regular dispatch vessels are away and I would have Hotspur take them. I'll have them delivered to you within the afternoon. You can leave as soon as you receive them."
Hornblower stared at his Commander in somewhat stunned silence before he found his voice. "Sir—that's most generous of you, but there is no need to weaken your fleet to allow me to…"
"Oh, do stop, Horatio. You and I both know that neither of us shall get a night's sleep until this is resolved. The dispatches truly do have to be delivered and Hotspur can go as well as any ship. You have your orders. Settle this. Do you understand me?"
A pause then, "Yes sir. I understand…Thank you."
Pellew nodded and he was dismissed.
Within two hours the dispatches had been transported over to Hotspur and she had changed course for England. They would arrive, if the weather cooperated, within about a fortnight.
Hornblower spent the time before their arrival endlessly turning over how to handle the real reason for their return to England. Dispatches might well have needed delivering, but the state of his marriage had now interfered with his work and that couldn't be tolerated. Whether he walked the deck or brooded in his tiny cabin, the fact remained that he thought of almost nothing else. This must be resolved, and quickly.
In due course they dropped their anchor after an uneventful voyage and as the Commander walked out of the Port Admiral's offices, the dispatches having been duly signed for and ship's business settled, he hesitated before heading up the street that would take him to the Pellew home.
Mavis would have had no idea that he was coming. This would be a surprise to her and one he wasn't entirely sure would be a welcome one.
Approaching the front door he found his feet dragging and wished with all his heart that the next few awkward hours were already behind him.
Knocking lightly, the door was opened after a short wait by Preston, Pellew's butler for at least a decade.
"Commander! How wonderful to have you back. I'll tell Miss Mavis immediately—unless you would rather find her yourself in the conservatory. Have you baggage, sir? I'll see to it at once…" he was about to go when they were interrupted by a small hurtling body throwing itself about Horatio's knees.
"Papa! Papa!"
Horatio stared at the child. Mavis hadn't told him that Neddy was talking yet and he had grown so—and how on earth would a child this young even recognize a father he could have no memory of?
Prying the child from about his legs and pulling him up against his chest in a bear hug he laughed as he said, "Yes, that's right. Goodness, look at you, getting so big I can barely lift you anymore. Soon you'll be carrying me!" Neddy laughed at this, hugging his father's neck and planting loud wet kisses on his cheeks.
Movement in the doorway caught his attention and he saw Mavis standing watching the small scene, smiling in disbelief. Quickly she crossed to him, embracing him where she could with the child between them.
"Dearest, I had no idea you'd be back. This is such a wonderful surprise." She kissed his lips as he leaned down to her. "I've missed you so terribly, my Sweeting."
"I know, my dear, but I'm here for a little while." He looked at her searchingly. "Are you well, Mavis? I was worried when I received your—news."
Her hand on his cheek, "Yes, I'm much better and better still to have you here." Neddy started squirming to be let down and once on the floor he flew away to see what sweets he could pry from Cook.
"He's marvelous, darling, so large, and running now and he actually spoke when I came in, I was amazed. You're a wonder with him."
She laughed. "He takes after his father, he's quite brilliant."
"How did he know me? He's much too young to remember the last time I was here."
"I show him your picture. You know, the one you sent me a few months ago? He has it in his room and talks to you constantly. He knows all about Hotspur and Matthews and Styles and his Grandfather's ship—he'll be at sea before long himself. I'm sure of it."
He realized what he had neglected and chastised himself.
"Mavis." He held out his arms, enfolding her smaller frame against his own and bending, kissed her quite thoroughly. They were still entwined when the deliberate scrape of a foot caused them to break apart.
"Horatio…what a treat to have you back with us, darling!"
"Sophie, how wonderful you look." He hugged his mother-in-law, kissing her cheek.
She gave him a good squeeze and smiled up at him. "It's good to have you back."
"Some dispatches needed delivering, so here we are. I—Mavis, are we staying here? I mean, are you staying here or in our house? I wasn't sure where to have my dunnage sent."
In fact, Mavis had been staying with her mother since she had lost the baby a over a month before. "Well, we can stay wherever you would prefer, dearest." Anything for his happiness, now that he was home for a little while.
Horatio was at a loss as how to respond. They had their own home that he had never really seen, but Mavis seemed so content to be with Sophie. If he asked to go to their house she might think that he was unhappy with the choices she had made or that he was upset with his mother-in-law for some reason. If he desired to stay where they were, she might thing he wished to not be alone with her. God, what should he say now? Home for less than ten minutes and he was already at a loss as to what to do.
Sophie came to his rescue. "Horatio, dearest, if you won't be too terribly annoyed with me, would you mind staying here? With the war, it's so very difficult to get help that we have all the servants in this old barn and no one to help poor Mavis in her own home."
Sending her a silent thank you, Horatio smiled and agreed that sounded like the easiest solution all the way around. Preston then added that he would be happy to send for the Captain's belongings to be transferred from Hotspur at once.
They had retreated to the Conservatory where Horatio pointed out Papa's ship to Neddy. It was still just visible in the growing darkness through the large window's overlooking the harbor. After just a very few minutes they heard the hall clock strike seven in the evening and were informed by Preston that the meal was ready in the dining room.
Seated around the table with Horatio given place of honor at the head in Edward's stead, Sophie tried to get the conversation started. Despite their efforts, the awkwardness between the young couple was all too obvious.
"Horatio, you must tell us everything about you last voyage. Was all well, and you've not said a word—how fares Edward?"
Horatio spared her a grateful smile that was not lost on Mavis.
"Sir Edward is very well, madam. He sends you his kindest regards and I have both letters and a parcel in my dunnage when it arrives that he asked me to give you."
A silence descended on the table as they all tried to think of something to say. Preston and Mary came to their rescue with the serving of the meal. Sophie picked up the thread with a nonstop and pleasant round of small talk that Mavis tried quite hard to join in with. They told stories about mutual acquaintances, the servants, and the problems with the new house, endless cute and funny things that Neddy had said or done. Horatio did his best to make the right responses, laugh when appropriate and commiserate when needed. He even contributed his own couple of anecdotes about Matthews and Styles latest adventures.
Finally, mercifully, the awkward meal finally ended. Mavis excused herself to take Neddy up to his bed over the child's objections, allowing him a final hug and kiss from his father before he was taken away.
Alone together, Sophie suggested that she and Horatio adjourned to the study for either coffee or brandy.
Seated with his coffee cup on the end table next to him, Horatio spoke. "I must thank you for all that you've done for Mavis during this difficult time she's been having. I was so very worried about her and you've been a Godsend to us both."
"Horatio, she's my daughter, I only did what any parent would to help a child in pain." She paused to sip her own coffee. "In all honesty, I've been more worried about you than I have about her. I know that she'll recover. Mavis is strong and she has Neddy to see her through and to take her mind off what has happened. You're the one who must cope alone."
He smiled without humor. "But it's not the same, Sophie. I'm a man and older than Mavis. I am more than capable of looking after myself."
"Are you capable off looking after your marriage, though?"
His eyes snapped over to hers with obvious annoyance and she had the distinct impression that he was about to blurt out a tart rejoinder when he seemed to contain himself. "I can deal with whatever needs tending."
"Then you had better tend to your wife. I would never intentionally hurt you, as you know, but you have been more than remiss in your responsibilities to her these last few months." She returned the look he was giving her. "Your silence was cruel, Horatio."
He seemed about to snap out a sharp rejoined when he seemed to swallow his anger and attempt a real answer.
"I tried to write her any number of times, dozens of times, but I ended up throwing them all over the side half finished. I love Mavis and Neddy with all my heart, but I fear that…" He trailed off, seemingly at a loss as to how to continue.
"You fear what, Horatio?"
"As I told Sir Edward, I fear that this marriage should have waited several years. I think that if Mavis were older that our separations would be easier for her to cope with."
"You may well be right, but the fact is that you didn't wait, either of you. You can wish that things may be different, but that won't make them so. You are going to deal with the situation you have now, not complain about what you would like it to be." He looked at her, knowing that she was right and that she wouldn't allow him to wriggle away on this.
She stood and he rose in deference to her. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm quite tired and would like to retire. Good Night, Horatio." She kissed his cheek lightly, turned and left the room, closing the door behind her as she left.
He remained in the study for another hour, staring into the fire, thinking about what his life would be like had he not met Mavis, had Sir Edward not taken him under his patronage when he did. Certainly he would have still have been in the Navy, but it was not at all certain that he would have achieved his own command as early as he did. There was no guarantee that he wouldn't have been executed in Kingston had Pellew not been sitting on the Panel. In fact, Archie's confession or not, he would likely have been hung or shot and would now be moldering in an unmarked grave in the West Indies instead of sitting below his sleeping wife and child.
His child. God, Poor Mavis had coped with the loss of the baby, the little girl—their little girl with only Sophie for comfort. He hadn't even written to offer whatever poor words he would have been able to scrounge out of his brain that might have helped her. He could at least have let her know that he had gotten her message that he knew what had happened.
He had hurt her, he had caused her additional pain and he truly did love her. He felt real remorse at that and berated himself quite harshly in his own mind.
He was a fool, worse than a fool, he was cruel. Sophie was right.
His thoughts turned to his marriage. Yes, he did love Mavis and yes, he did believe that they should have waited. Sophie was right, though—of course. They hadn't waited, they hadn't waited at all and Mavis had been pregnant when they took their vows.
In honor, he could have done nothing other than offer her and the unborn child his name; he had done what his conscience had demanded. But, had he to do it over, would he have made the same decision?
In truth, he wasn't sure. He did love the girl and Neddy, but he also loved his solitude and could never provide what Mavis seemed to need from him. He could never give her a reason to be, a purpose to rise in the morning and the thought of being the focus of anyone else's life, no matter how well intentioned, drove him to distraction.
He had always prided himself on his independence, on his self-reliance. To have someone depend on him was stifling, so much that he often felt as though he could barely breath. He knew that on his last leave he had searched out excuses to get away from her smothering attention.
He also had the niggling feeling in the back of his mind that Mavis, love him though she might, was in fact in love with a romanticized ideal of him and not the real flesh and blood man with doubts and flaws. He feared that if she knew the real man beneath the uniform, she would be appalled by his lack of self-esteem and his insecurities. She would know that he was no more a pillar to lean upon any more than one made of sand would be to her and Neddy.
They shouldn't have married. He was sure of it.
All right, so what would he do about it?
There were few options that presented themselves and none of them appealing.
He could stay in what was, in a very real way, a sham marriage. Certainly Mavis would want them to stay together, if not for themselves, then for Neddy.
Besides, if he were to divorce her, not only would he break her heart but he would likely (and he hated the calculating part of his mind that found this argument) do his career tremendous harm. The Admiralty didn't kindly look upon men who abandoned their families any more than the church did. In addition, to anger and hurt Sir Edward would amount to professional suicide. That would have to be a last option.
He could leave the situation as it was. He was, after all, away most of the time. It wasn't like they actually spent all that much time together. He could go to sea and she could live here and they would write one another and see each other when he was home on leave—and years could pass between times when he get back to England.
In essence they could continue to live their own lives, him on board some ship, her here with their son and house.
It seemed the logical way to proceed. He could certainly continue as he was, live his own life most of the time. Some part of his mind even suggested to him that he could have a mistress should he so desire. Mavis need never know.
The thoughts that were running through his mind troubled him; depressed him and he could feel the beginning of one of his black moods coming on.
This, most definitely, was not what he'd had in mind when he had asked Mavis to marry him; it certainly wasn't what he imagined his marriage to be.
He had hoped for a partner, someone who would, finally, understand him, someone to whom he might be able to speak his innermost thoughts. What he now found himself with was a young woman to whom he felt some physical attraction and some emotional commitment but with whom he felt trapped.
His mind next turned to what his life would be like had he never married Mavis. He knew the devastation he would open himself to should he leave her, he thought about if he had never married in the first place. Even were he to pretend that she hadn't been with child when they wed, had they not married, his life, he realized, would be far more barren then he now found it.
While it was true that he was hemmed in by her needs and demands, he also had to admit (as he was, at heart, an honest man), that he did love the girl. He loved her, was generally entertained by her and he was coming to love Neddy as well. All right, he had always loved his son, but more as an abstract idea. After all, parents were supposed to love their children. As the child grew, as he was more able to interact, Horatio began to see him more as an individual than as merely a baby. He was beginning to develop his own personality and likes and dislikes. He had his own thoughts and would soon be able to express them. He was becoming quite interesting to be around and Horatio had to admit that he was really quite a lot of fun.
Had the child not been born, he would likely not have missed the lack in his life, but then neither would he have known the joy Neddy had brought to both of his parents. He also started, for the first time to think on what had truly been lost when the second baby had died. He had been thinking of it—her—her reminded himself, as just 'the baby'. In his mind it—she—had no name or face and was no more real to him than a vague concept.
Seeing Mavis playing with their son, being able to pick him up and speak to him, hear his laughter, it made the weight of what they had lost painful. He started to understand what it was that Mavis had to cope with.
Yes, certainly losing a child wasn't too uncommon, but now Horatio could now begin to understand what they would never recover. Should they have ten more children, this one would never be replaced.
His earlier silences and lack of understanding stabbed at his conscience. He saw his actions for what they were—cowardice, and he was ashamed.
So, were his feelings for Mavis based on pity? Had he felt guilt at suspecting that he would leave her pregnant? Had his conscience prickled because she was a sailor's wife left alone for long periods of time? Had he perhaps married her because she appealed to his vanity?
Well—yes, partly. But he also had to admit that her smile warmed him when he walked into a room and he enjoyed the feel of her beside him as they strolled the streets and parks of town and when they lay together in bed at night. He liked that he had someone to write to while at sea and that someone missed him and awaited his return. When the mail packets arrived with the dispatches. He went to some lengths to ensure the crew or his officers wouldn't know how he longed to tear open the letters addressed in Mavis' hand.
It struck him as unseemly that a Captain would be so anxious to hear from his wife, to learn the news from home.
Good Lord! And another thought occurred to him. Was he embarrassed to have his very human emotions exposed?
All his life, ever since his mother had died, when he had cried and been chastised by his father, he had resolved that he would never again show that short of weakness. Weakness could be exploited once exposed and he would—could never allow that.
But hadn't he done the very thing with Mavis? Didn't she know about his doubts and insecurities, his lack of confidence and his self-loathing? She did know and somehow loved him—indeed—seemed to need him anyway. In some way, part of the reason she loved him was based on the fact that he needed her.
God, the entire thing confused him.
And the Pellew's, Sir Edward and Sophie, they seemed to genuinely like him. They had gone well out of their way to be kind and generous to him for years now. Ever since he was a green midshipman, they had allowed him into the inner circle of their family.
His thoughts turned to what his life would have been had they not taken him in. He would have had his career, but wouldn't have known the warmth and—he actually blushed to himself at the realization—the love and acceptance he had begun to take for granted from them.
His mind was going on and on, refusing to be still or give him a moment's peace when he noticed a draft and turned to look behind him. Mavis was standing in the open doorway, wearing her nightgown and a shawl thrown over her shoulders against the evening chill. She was barefoot, her hair loose and tumbling to her waist.
"Horatio? Is something wrong? I heard Mama close her door over an hour ago. I've been waiting for you to come up to bed and you…"
"Forgive me, dearest. I've merely been sitting here thinking." He rose from the chair and crossed over to her. His hand came up in a gentle caress to her cheek.
"I'm so desperately sorry for the hurt I've caused you." He was hesitant and she knew that this was difficult for him. "I do love you. You know that. You've no reason to ever doubt that."
She nodded. She knew.
Leaning down, he kissed her.
There were still problems for them to face and there would continue to be obstacles and rocks before them, but now, at least, he knew that he wished to continue. He knew that he loved her and didn't want to lose her. He didn't want to be alone again, the thought terrified him and his arms tightened around him. Her own embrace became stronger and they stood there, arms surrounding one another, mouths pressed together and he thought, again, just what changes she had brought into his life.
The birth of his son, along with his marriage had also helped to repair the strained relationship he had with his own father. Had he and Mavis not married, not only would he have no son, but he would have—in all practical ways, no father. They had only begun to resolve their problems with his marriage
Neddy. God, he loved his son.
Just the thought of the boy was enough to make his eyes sting with tears of happiness. He'd had no idea of the depth of feeling that the child would bring out in him. He'd simply had—no idea.
"I so regret the pain I've caused you, dearest. I will never…"
She pulled back from him, regarding him calmly. "Horatio. No. Don't make promises you won't keep." He stared at her. "I know you love me and Neddy, but you're the person you are and we both know that there are other things in your life than just your family. I knew that when we married."
"Yes, of course, but…"
"No. It's all right. I knew when we married. I did." She reached up to kiss him. "I knew. I've seen how Papa and Mama have to struggle sometimes, I knew that it would be difficult sometimes. It's all right. I'll be all right, and so will we."
She reached up to kiss him again. "Horatio? Come upstairs with me?"
He returned her kiss, smiled at her and took her hand.
1/4/03
13