LAST TIME:

As the pallbearers took the coffin down the aisle and outside toward the grave site I stood and looked frantically around as people started to file out. He wasn't here. As the last of the people left the stuffy hall my heart sank. Why wasn't he here? He couldn't break his promise. How could he?

Road to Remembrance
Chapter 5: Perfect and Wretched

"Ginny I was just thinking… Why doesn't George have a girlfriend, or a wife? I'm sure he's had many opportunities." Ginny looked over her shoulder at me. She was gathering things for breakfast. Things she didn't have to cook, for example cereal. And… cereal.

"Sure he's had opportunities. He's a good looking guy I suppose. He just never let anyone in. I think he was hung up on someone for a while there but I never found out who it was. Why do you ask?" She busied herself again with pouring her cereal.

"I went to see him this morning before you woke up. And I saw how he had pictures of everyone around, everyone but himself. And he told me it was because he never had anyone to take them with because he's never been in love."

"George has always been pretty introverted when it came to the opposite sex. He has crushes but he never acts on them." I nodded.

"He sounded so unhappy though. I've never seen him act quite that sad. It rattled me a bit I suppose." Ginny scoffed.

"He's happy Hermione. He has his joke shop and his family. If he's unhappy he's pretty damn good at hiding it."

"Like I was?" I said quietly. She looked up at me, her face sobered. "I was pretty damn good at hiding it wasn't I? Why is it so inconceivable that George is unhappy?"

"Even if he is, what can I do to help him?" I shrugged.

"I just don't like to see anyone else unhappy. I'm miserable enough for all of us." I took a sip of my tea and got up from the kitchen table. Ginny watched me wordlessly as I walked into my room and quietly shut the door.

-FLASHBACK-

"Victoria please stop crying. Please, just let mommy have one moment of peace." Victoria continued to wail in her crib. I couldn't take it anymore. I began to scream and yell, " What the hell do you want from me? I feed you! I hold you! I'm doing the best I can! Why can't you understand that?"

Victoria was wailing even louder, upset by my screams. I backed into the wall and fell to the floor as my knees gave out. I cried and pulled my knees into my chest and Victoria kept crying in the background. At times like these I had visions of Draco walking in and picking up our daughter, holding her and rocking her until she fell asleep. Then he would come to me and sit down next to me. He would wrap his arms around me and kiss my forehead. He would hold me and everything would be better…

He never came; I was always alone in all of these trials. I was alone and I was tired of it. I was always so tired without Draco. I thought of Draco and I fell asleep despite the wails coming from the bassinet that held my daughter. I slept for hours and hours and when I awoke again the sun was setting. I awoke to a silent room. Something wasn't right here.

I got up and looked inside Victoria's crib. She was on her stomach, her face buried in the pillow. She wasn't breathing. I picked her up, trying to wake her but she didn't, her face was pale and she wasn't breathing, not at all. I began to cry and I ran to grab my wand. I held my poor sweet baby close and I apparated to St. Mungo's, praying that she wasn't yet dead.

I sat alone in the guest room at Ginny's house, just thinking for a long time. I decided I had to stop all of this moping; I couldn't live in the past. I paced over to the closet, and reached for the box on the top shelf. My Draco box.

I opened the lid, sifting through the papers. It contained a cheesy love note Draco had written to me before I got pregnant, a few old pictures of us, Victoria's adoption papers, the newspaper clipping about Malfoy Manor, Narcissa's obituary, and then there were the letters. I opened the first one. It had come the day after Victoria was adopted.

'Dearest Hermione,
I am so sorry I haven't been able to write before now. I escaped the Death Eaters only 6 days ago and I have been on the run. I am in a safe place for now. I will not be able to come home for a few months still, and even then it may be unsafe. It makes me so sad to know I won't be there for our little girl's birth, if it hasn't already taken place. I wish I could be there with you.
The Death Eaters are furious with me; I'm surprised they didn't kill me that night I fled. They were, however, under strict orders to bring me in alive. I've seen so many horrible things here Mia, so many deaths. The movement is getting stronger even now that the Dark Lord is dead and gone. I wish none of this had ever happened. When I make it back the three of us, you, me, and our daughter, we will all go to America. You always wanted to go to New York. We'll go far away from it all. Far far away where they will never find us.
Please do not reply to this, I am sure it will be intercepted on the way out. I just pray you are still safe, that they haven't managed to reach you…
I love you with all of my heart and I pray to see you very soon,
Draco.'

I remember waiting for days after that letter came, waiting quietly by the window hoping to see him. The next letter came 6 months later.

'My sweet Hermione,
Being away from you for so long is making me sick, I wish you knew how much I missed you. I think you may be mad at me for being away so long and I don't blame you at all. I get angry every day. Angry at all these damn people making it so hard for me to get home. I'm not even in England anymore. I'm hoping to lose them soon and finally send word of where I am so we can see each other again.
Don't lose faith yet, I made a promise and I fully intend to keep it. I hope you and the baby are doing well. I love you.
Draco'

Even though he told me not to, I sent a letter back to him. I hadn't seen anyone around the house since the day Harry came over and put up a new spell back when I still had my Victoria. I told Draco that he had a daughter named Victoria but I had given her up for adoption. I told him I waited for him every day, wishing he would come home. I told him how much I missed him, and how I thought I made a mistake by giving up Vicky. I asked him to just give me a clue where he was, a clue and I would figure it out and come find him. I was going crazy without him.

The last letter I received from Draco came exactly seven months and fifteen days after he had left.

'Hermione,
I don't have much time. They've found me. I'm sure they will kill me. I know you made the right choice with Victoria; I wish I had gotten to see her just once though. I love you Hermione. I'm so sorry I broke my promise to you. I just wish I could see you one last time. I will always love you, always. Make me proud Hermione.
Love forever,
Draco'

It was all my fault. All my fault. I had to send that damn letter to him and they had found him. Every choice I made was wrong. It was all my fault…

-FLASHBACK-

I paced the waiting room, hoping for good news. Victoria had been taken into the ICU and I hadn't heard anything for over an hour. I was alone in the waiting room for another 45 minutes before Harry and Ginny showed up. Ron and the rest of the Weasleys followed (minus Charlie and Bill) about 10 minutes after that. We were all huddled together speaking in hushed tones. A full three hours after I admitted Victoria a doctor came to speak to me.

"Mrs. Malfoy?" I stood up and walked toward him. "Hello I'm Dr. Banks. Victoria is doing much better, she will need to be kept here for observation for another day or so. Now all that is left to do is wait."

"She's really OK?" I was tearing, and some fell down my cheeks and onto the linoleum floor. I was so strung out. "She's breathing and she isn't crying? She might be hungry, I can't remember the last time I fed her. I can't remember anything. I don't know what I would have done. I'm such a horrible mother. I can't do this."

All of this was said in short breaths and finally I stopped when Harry pulled me into a chair and Ginny was hugging me close to her, trying to calm me. I was shaking and I couldn't stop crying.

"I won't let this happen again." I whispered to no one in particular.

"Of course you won't sweetie." Ginny said, rubbing my back.

"No, I mean I can't let this happen again. I give up. I love her, God knows, but I give up. I can't even give it a shot because it will happen again, I know it will."

"Hermione think about what you're saying…" Harry said. I met his eyes for a moment. He saw that my mind was made up and he looked away. "I'll go get the doctors or the nurse or someone."

"Harry, please… I know you're upset and obviously you don't agree with me but this is not your life." He shook his head.

"One day you'll look back and regret this Hermione. You created her, you made a life and you are just throwing it away. I know you aren't taking this lightly but if you could just see one thing other than Draco maybe things would be different!"

His words stung and I didn't reply. He left the room and he didn't return with the doctor. I told the doctor I wanted to give Victoria up for adoption and although I knew no one in the room agreed with my decision it was what I had to do. I signed the appropriate pages. Along the way there were several spots that required a father's signature. Ginny told the doctor that the father was "not in the picture."

I sat in the hospital waiting room for the next few hours, even after everyone left. A temporary foster family came to pick Victoria up. I was alone. I went in the bathroom and I was sick, I couldn't move and I couldn't cry. The world was spinning and gravity was keeping me stationary. My world had finally come crashing down on my head and I was unsure if it was repairable.

After I relived so many ugly memories I felt like I was worn down, completely jaded. I stayed in bed all day and, hard as she tried, Ginny couldn't get me to go out. I had repressed so much but it wasn't going away. I couldn't let it go. I wanted to move on; I wanted to forget about Draco. Something was holding me back…

I tried to remember his face, his smell, the way I felt when he held me against his chest. I could remember everything in such great detail; it was like it had happened yesterday. These years had stretched on for so long but looking back it seemed like no time had passed since I had seen Draco.

There were things about us that no one knew. I accepted Draco's past, but we knew no one else would. I knew he was still involved with Voldemort, but he promised me that no harm would ever come to me. I believed him with such naivety.

-FLASHBACK-

After the debacle in the hospital I lost control. I was drunk most days, or in a half asleep daze. I was at an all time low. Ginny made me admit myself to the psychiatric ward. I was almost relieved to be there, I was removed from the real world. I stayed there for nearly a month and when I was finally cleaned up I left. I rented an apartment and made sure that someone else took care of the house. I asked them to sell it and put the profits in a college fund for Victoria. I left my old life behind. I immersed myself in work and left little time for anything else. As long as I was busy I didn't have time to worry about anything else.

But one day I got a letter from Hogwarts that made me abandon this routine. Albus Dumbledore had died and they were holding a memorial for him this Saturday. I didn't even finish the letter before I began to cry. He had been such an influence in my schooling and had virtually saved us all from destruction. He protected us unfailingly, and would have had it no other way. I knew I had to go. It would be difficult of course, seeing all the old faces, the building, the train. It would all remind me of him. It was a risk I would have to take however.

I met Ginny at the train station. The rest of the Weasleys were there as well. I tried to say hello to Ron, but he avoided conversation with me. Harry wasn't there, but I knew he would find other means of getting to Dumbledore's memorial. Fred and George had closed down their shop to come, and that was a huge gesture on their part. I sat by the window and watched silently as the hills rolled by. I thought I would never see this journey again but here I was. This time was so different though that I felt as if I were a different person.

When we finally arrived everyone filed off somberly, heading towards the carriages that were not horseless to most of us now. Inside the great hall, the ceiling was cloudy, despite the weather outside. The hall was filled to breaking and the noise was overpowering. There was so much movement and rustling that it took several minutes for everyone to be hushed. Professor McGonagall spoke to us for a few minutes, then Hagrid of course, and finally I saw Harry ascend the stage. There were tears in his eyes as he told us how Dumbledore helped him become the man he is today.

There were sniffles and tearing eyes all over, but somehow I couldn't cry. I didn't want to be sad anymore. I slowly made my way to the back of the hall, exiting mostly unnoticed. I roamed the halls until I finally reached the old Head's dorm. The same statue stood in front of the door. I smiled, remembering my first encounter with it. I was raving and drunk and Draco helped me. That was the first time we had a civil conversation. I was running my hand over the grooves in the statue when I heard footsteps behind me. I turned slowly around and what I saw nearly knocked me off my feet.

"Draco?" I asked unsteadily.

"I told you I would come back for you." We smiled and he held me for what seemed like an eternity.

"Draco it's been nearly two years. What happened? I thought for sure you were… that you had…" He nodded.

"I thought I was too. When they found me that night, I felt sure I would be killed." He took a deep breath. "I don't know how I escaped that time, but I ended up in some small town out in the country. I was able to hide in some old abandoned buildings for a while. But then I heard from one of my correspondents that they were threatening to harm you in hopes of luring me out. So I fed them a false tip on where I would be. It diverted them I hope." I nodded uncertainly. This was so unbelievable. None of this seemed to make sense. Everyone thought Draco was dead, and now I had finally begun to accept it and he shows up. I was happy, but suspicious and weary. I felt maybe it was too good to be true.

"So you made them chase you. What about the letters Draco, the last one you sent to me, why did you tell me those things? I never heard from you after that, how could you leave me to believe that I wouldn't see you again?"

"I was under observation for a long time. I had to prove I wasn't a threat to the dark side. If I made any attempt to contact you they would have killed me. Or worse, you. I was trying to protect you, Hermione." I looked into his eyes but I didn't see the sparkle there used to be. His eyes were cold.

"What's different now? If you had to prove this to them how can you be here now?"

"They trust me now, I've moved up in rank. They wouldn't dare cross one of Voldemort's most 'loyal followers'" This took me aback.

"If you've been trying to escape all this time how have you possibly moved up in rank? I don't understand… Draco tell me the truth. How hard have you worked to get back to me? Has there been any effort at all? Or have you gone back to how you used to be?"

"Hermione I…" He began, obviously evasively.

"Answer me Draco. I deserve to know the truth after two years of mourning and waiting and throwing my life away!"

My anger and loneliness boiled up and had finally exploded. But I didn't shed a tear in front of him. I had to be stronger than that. I was finally able to see a different side of Draco that I had been ignoring for so long. I saw the side of him that I didn't like at all. His first instinct was to protect his own skin, without regard to the promises he had made. It was who he used to be, who I thought he would never be again. He was exactly who everyone said he was. All this time I had been too blind to see it.

"Hermione… I don't know what to say. I had to do whatever it took to get back to you! I didn't care what sacrifices I had to make, I just want to be with you." I wanted to believe him, but there was so much doubt in my mind that I was unable to silence it.

"You abandoned me. You put me through the most horrid years of my life." He stepped forward to me, pulling me close.

"I came back so I could make it up to you. I want to make things right, I want to start over. Please Hermione…" He kissed me lightly, and I melted. After everything, I couldn't resist him. Everything had changed, but he knew how to make me believe that everything was the same.

"Gin, I think I'm going to go for a drive." I said across the room. She nodded, but looked concerned. Not surprising, I've been concerning everyone around me since I can remember.

"Yea, just borrow my car love." Ginny said, tossing her keys to me.

I left the flat and walked down the sidewalk to the car. I opened the door, got in, but I didn't turn the ignition. Instead I pulled back my sleeve. The gash was clear as ever, it had never healed fully. At the base of my arm, just below my shoulder, a huge cut marred my skin. Dark magic takes years to heal. It was the only visible scar left from my relationship with Draco, though the scars on my heart were just as deep.

-FLASHBACK-

"Mia, wake up." I stirred and opened my eyes to my favorite sight in the world. His eyes.

"Don't call me that! My mother used to call me that when she had bad news, like 'Mia dear, you have to go to the doctor today. You may have to get a shot also, I'm sorry.' It is only connected with bad memories."

"Hmm then I'll start over. Hermione, my love, wake up. Today is a beautiful day." He kissed my forehead, and we lay together in the sunlight that streamed in though the curtains. It was one of those moments that you remember forever, because everything seems so perfect, if only for a second.

"I love you." I whispered. But if he loved me too, I never found out. Suddenly there was a loud crash and a blinding green light. That is the last memory I have of Draco. When I woke up I was alone, left with only a scar of the curse that had taken him away from me again.

Initially panic set in, but after a few days I knew that Voldemort had found him again. We would never be safe together. I wish there was some way… I wanted to make things work with us, but when the most evil wizard of all time has it in for you, there isn't much you can do.

I had just assumed that Draco was dead. I was coping. But I couldn't be here anymore. Everywhere I went something else reminded me of him. I had to get out. That's when I got the idea of moving to America. A change of scenery, and finally a chance to start over.

I began to drive down to crowded roads, navigating my way through the traffic, praying that I knew what I was doing.

I drove north for hours, heading to a place I had never been before in my life. As I drove down these long roads I could feel the pain seeping out of my skin. This would be my closure.

I could feel the temperature change as I continued driving. It was getting dark and I was headed towards the sea. I didn't reach to coast until nearly 2 AM. I wasn't quite sure how to proceed from here. I would have to wait it out and get help in the morning. I pulled into a hotel parking lot and got a room for the night. When my head hit the pillow I fell directly asleep, glad to have some rest before saying goodbye at last.

-FLASHBACK-

I lived well in America for several years, I met Eric. I was superficially happy. But one day, about 5 years after I married Eric, I received a letter. It contained some of the most disheartening news I'd ever read.

"To whom it may concern:
We regret to inform you that one Draco Malfoy has been officially taken into custody by Ministry officials and will be held in Azkaban prison indefinitely. You are being contacted because our records indicate that you are of close relation to Mr. Malfoy. If you have received this message in error, we apologize for our misinformation.
Sincerely, The Department of Magical Defense, England Ministry of Magic."

Draco was in Azkaban… He was suffering. He hadn't been killed but at this point it looked like a welcome alternative. I wasn't sure what to do with this information. Should I return home? Should I just leave it alone?

I had a life in America now, I had a life with Eric. But my heart was pulling me in two different directions. I could feel myself becoming more and more distant with Eric, he noticed it too. He tried to figure out what he did wrong. How could I tell him it wasn't him without telling him that he was competing with my first love?

I had to go back. But I had to stay.

When morning came, I drove to the shore again. I could see a speck of an island in the distance. I was afraid. I knew I couldn't turn back now however. I parked the car, locking it securely, and took a deep breath before apparating to the island. I was greeted by a guard.

"Wand hand up please." So much for keeping my cool. I put my hands up, and the guard confiscated my wand. I was then escorted to the gate, where I was told to wait for the head of security. When I was finally greeted, I was surprised to see Neville Longbottom approach me, looking much older than the last time I saw him.

"Hermione, what a nice surprise. How are you?" He asked as he approached.

"I've been better, to tell you the truth… So you're in charge here?" He nodded, pointing to his security badge.

"Been head of security going on 4 years now."

"That's really great Neville. Quite an accomplishment." I nodded uncomfortably.

"Well I assume you didn't come here to visit me. Can I help you with something?"

"Yes I think you can. I was hoping I could have a visit with someone." He furrowed his brow.

"We usually don't allow visits unless it's a close relative, and normally its right before… before an inmate dies." I nodded.

"I hope maybe there could be a slight exception this time. I am here to see Draco Malfoy. I recently received a letter that he had been brought here. And I just wanted to tell him goodbye I suppose." Neville nodded.

"Don't go around telling people I broke the rules for you Hermione. But if you can make it rather quick I'll allow it." I nodded solemnly. "Follow me then."

We walked down several halls that were filled with offices and finally reached a large steel door, with several locks that looked impenetrable. Neville scanned his ID badge, allowing us to enter into a dank area that contained cells. When we walked by, the people would scream at us. I could hear their pain and sadness. This was the worst place on earth for a living person.

We walked down a flight of stairs and continued our trek for a few minutes. Finally Neville rapped his knuckle on one of the bars, stirring its occupant. An occupant with blonde hair, marred with dirt, and the grays of age. He looked up at us, and I saw only the shell of a man I used to know. He only slightly resembled the man I once took him for.

He crawled to the edge of his cell, staring intently. He recognized me, but his solitude and encounters with dementors had obviously driven him mad. I tried to find the words to express all the things I wanted to say to him. But nothing came.

Instead I reached out and took his hand in my own. I held it for what seemed like an eternity. His eyes locked with mine and for just a moment the sparkle I had once known returned to them.

"I'm sorry." He spoke in strangled tones. But then he withdrew his hand and shifted away from me. He was gone forever. And as a single tear dripped down my face, I couldn't help but wonder if true love really existed, or if it was something we manifested through out imaginations. Was is something to ease the pain, or was it the cause? It seems that it's all of that wrapped into one, perfect and wretched at the same time. Just like my Draco will always be to me…

THE END. I'm kinda sad its over... I am so terribly sorry for the delays, please forgive me. I hope you enjoyed it, and if you didn't I apologize. Please review either way. LOVE! DiM.