Our Garden of Snow and Roses

"Between the conception,

And the creation,

Between the emotion,

And the response,

Falls the Shadow."

-- T. S. Eliot

(The Hollow Men)

The Imprints Left by a Sheath

In every parting there is an image of death.

-- George Eliot

(Amos Barton)

Hiko was beside himself with worry for the longest time, but no traces of his son were found except for an abandoned car a few miles down the road from the town Kenshin grew up in. They never found any signs of a struggle, or anything else for that matter. Kenshin had apparently forgotten to fill the gas tank before he left home and his car ran onto empty pretty soon after he left Kaoru behind. But instead of walking back to town or going forward to the nearest gas station, Kenshin disappeared on the road, and possibly, in the woods. Any trail he might have left behind, the police told them sadly, would have gone cold by now. With such hopeless news, Hiko began to drink more and more, losing himself to alcohol and searching for that lost hope at the bottom of every single glass he drank.

Kaoru couldn't stop crying for a week after the news reached her. And then for a month she stayed in her room, hugging close their telephone and watching the sky change color from day to night and night to day. She grew thin and weak, but Father Kamiya could do nothing but watch his only child whither away.

Father Kamiya was at the end of his wits by the end of the month. He had yelled at Kaoru, tried to talk sense into her, dragged her out of her room and made her sit outside, and once, he had even slapped her to try to wake her up to the reality she abandoned since Kenshin's announced disappearance. But Kaoru just sat listlessly staring, or worse, her eyes would tear up and she would silently cry with all the grief of the world in her eyes, something that hurt her father more to watch than anything else. The flowers in her beloved garden did not flourish but withered like its owner without care. And half of the summer passed with Kaoru sitting on the floor of her room, sometimes crying and sometimes not, just remembering everything that Kenshin was to her, and feeling her heart break into a million, tiny pieces.

She was oblivious to the last of the spring flowers falling to be replaced by the lush green leaves of summer. It would have pained her more if she had realized the day that marked the anniversary of Kenshin having first taught Kaoru to swim, but she had lost track of time. Once, she had run to her window because she had thought she had heard Kenshin return, but he hadn't. Kaoru would even take the cold and silent Kenshin to no Kenshin at all. But Kenshin didn't come back. Even Hiko gave up on his disappeared son (presumed dead by the police, though they didn't have the heart to say it to Hiko's face). When Hiko began to turn Kenshin's room into a study though, Kaoru for the second time since Kenshin's disappearance moved up from her place on the floor and stumbled over to the window. "What are you doing, Mister Hiko?" She rasped from her place across the way, her voice husky from disuse.

"He's not coming back, that stupid son of mine," Hiko sighed deeply, his words lacking the mocking cheer he used to have. Hiko looked like he had gained ten years in the last two months after finding that his son disappeared. "So, I thought I could change his room into something useful, that's what he would have wanted."

"What?" Kaoru demanded angrily. "Kenshin's coming back! Don't you dare say something like that! He's coming back, you'll see! How dare you change his room when he's coming back? How dare you say you know him when you barely said two words to him each day when he was here?" Kaoru began to cry again, and she hated how she's been crying all this time. Even when Kaoru thought she was all cried out, she would always end up finding more tears to shed. It wasn't fair! Why did Kenshin have to go? Why did Hiko have to send him off to school like that? Kaoru wanted to demand the answers to her unanswered questions but there was no one left to ask. She would have been happy as long as Kenshin was by her side, forever! That was all Kaoru had ever known and dreamt of, anyway. But now, there was no Kenshin for those dreams to be fulfilled with.

"He's gone, Kaoru. Let him go." Hiko said to her sadly, standing out of place at the window sill Kenshin used to always occupy in both her memories and her heart. But Kaoru would not hear of it and for the first time in twelve years, she slammed closed the window connecting her to Kenshin and his room, along with her blinds. She didn't want to see Hiko where he didn't belong, not where Kenshin used to always be waiting for her, greeting her with his kind and familiar smile. And the days continued listlessly once more without the gentle presence of the person most precious to Kaoru in all the world.

Still, one day, Father Kamiya dragged his daughter out onto the roof of their house and angrily pointed at her dead garden that lay wasted before them both. "Look at this place, Kaoru! This is the state of the garden you two made together, and these are the flowers you have planted. This place is just like you, Kaoru, or you will soon become like it if you continue as you do now. Your garden is dead, Kaoru. Do you really want to die? Is that what you think Kenshin would have wanted you to be like once he's gone?" When she didn't reply, Father Kamiya only became even angrier, "I had thought that I raised a stronger daughter than this," he spat out disgusted by the tears that flowed down from her eyes, unbidden.

Kaoru's eyes focused on the once beautiful flowers that now looked like dry weeds. For the first time since he had been gone, she shed tears for something that wasn't because of Kenshin and something that hadn't anything to do with the memory of him. "Poor flowers," she whispered through her unused throat. "Poor Kenshin," she sighed. That one moment out of her shell was replaced by the shadows of Kaoru's memories once more.

Exasperated, Father Kamiya threw his hands in the air and left her on the roof to think through his words and her actions. Kaoru lifted the plastic with unsteady hands, but a sparrow landed on her shoulder then. "Don't cry," the sparrow said to her, much to the surprise of Kaoru. "All the flowers are dead because the love you once had for this place is gone," the sparrow ruffled its feathers. "Don't lose hope, kid," the sparrow flicked its tail and leapt off.

"Don't cry," a thousand chirping voices of sparrows came from overhead and all around her. "Smile at the sun. Because, as long as you have hope, you'll find what you're looking for!"

And Kaoru looked uncertainly at the bright, piercing sky, blue like the small star-like flowers Kenshin and she had planted but a year ago. She bent down, wanting to disregard the hopeful cries of the tittering birds and gently lifted the plastic sheet over her dead garden instead. But what she found made her gasp out loud, for of all the flowers Kenshin and Kaoru had planted, one flower remained alive even though it had suffered like all the rest of the flowers during Kenshin and Kaoru combined neglect. The flower did not die because of her long absence or Kenshin's cold disinterest. For there, in the piles of dried, weeded corpses of dead flowers, a single wild rose had budded, red and beautiful beneath the sun, just waiting to bloom when its time came. Its thorns stood menacingly out to anyone who would dare to harm it, but the scent of it was already wafting sweetly with promise into the open air.

Kaoru leaned over and cupped the bud between her two hands, and smiled a real smile. Hope and happiness had fled her since the night Kenshin told her that something had gotten into his eye. Now, finally, she had found a sign that gave her hope above all others.

"Remember what you said about the wild rose? How it's beautiful but strong at the same time. How it doesn't need anyone to take care of it to be the way it is. Well, that's the way Kaoru is in my eyes..." Kaoru smiled brightly at the memory and raised her head up into the sky, opening her arms and mouth to receive the sunlight and the fresh breeze washing over her.

"Thank you Mister Sparrow," she waved at the fluttering group overhead. "I'll remember what you told me!" And from then on, Kaoru had a mission. She was determined to find out where Kenshin had gone, and even if she had to go through the gates of Hades to find him, she would. In the heat of the summer sun, beneath the bright blue skies overhead, Kaoru changed as well.

-----

All throughout the rest of the summer Kaoru climbed the mountains and scoured the forest. She looked in every crevice, turned over every rock, and knocked in the hollow of every tree. She asked the animals she had fed and healed throughout her life, and they spread the word through the forest to see if anyone had seen a young man with hair the color of a cardinal's feather and one eye the color of spring irises while the other was that of a tiger's eye. But no one remembered such a striking boy walking through the woods without Kaoru by his side. After two weeks of searching up and down the way, Kaoru collapsed helplessly by the river they had spent every summer swimming, laughing, and playing in. She had been so determined in the beginning of her search for him, but now, once more she felt the tears of hopelessness itching at her eyes. Though she fought against it, a few still escaped and dropped its salty contents into the clear waters before her.

A fish swam over, surprised by the taste. "Hey, little girl," the fish poked its head out of the waters. "Stop polluting the waters with your tears, it's making everything salty and bitter. A trout like myself would never want to taste or live or even swim in such waters!"

Kaoru stopped and blushed, quickly rubbing away the evidence of her tears. "I'm sorry Miss Trout," she bowed her head shamefully. "It's just that my greatest friend in the whole world is missing, and my heart feels so broken without him. I just couldn't help but be hurt by the very thought of another day without him by my side, but no matter where I look, I can't seem to find him."

"Oh, humans," the fish waved it off. "Don't you know there are more fishes in the river?"

"But Kenshin is Kenshin. No one can replace him!" Kaoru protested. "H-have you seen a boy with hair as red as a cardinal's feather and one eye the color of spring irises while the other is like that of a tiger's eye?"

The trout thought and thought but shook its head. "Not since last summer and he was with you then, though both his eyes were the color of irises at that time, if I remember correctly." The trout swam down and away without saying another word after that. Kaoru really felt like crying all over again when she was left on her own, but the trout returned to her side just when she was ready to go home and have herself a good cry. "A tortoise down the way may know something," the trout suggested and Kaoru felt hope flow through her all over again, eagerly she followed the trout along the grassy bank of the river to the old tortoise sunbathing on a sandy patch in the middle of the flowing waters.

"Mister Tortoise!" Kaoru called over the chuckling river. "Have you see a boy with hair as red as a cardinal's feather and one eye the color of spring irises while the other is like that of a tiger's eye?"

The slow tortoise stuck out his small head from his great shell and looked about to locate the voice he heard. When he saw the dark-haired Kaoru at the bank, he answered in a low and monotonous voice. "Not since last summer, but both his eyes were irises then and he was always at your side," the tortoise turned its head away. "But something strange floated down the river the first day of spring this year," the tortoise stretched his neck in thought. "I heard the young man disappeared around that time, yes?" Kaoru was surprised at the tortoise's knowledge but nodded eagerly in acquiesce. "Well then, why don't you go over to the Beaver's dam and see if he had collected it from the waters?"

Kaoru thanked both the tortoise and the trout for their help and assured them both that she knew the way to the Beavers' dam. Kaoru moved up the river once and got to the beaver's house. "Mister Beaver?" Kaoru called out but no one responded and she walked all along the banks, looking for a way to catch the beaver's attention. "Mister Beaver, are you home?" She called and called until evening set in. And then, she saw a round little door in the dirt by the bank. "Hm, I wonder if he's in there." Kaoru thought determinedly to herself, for she was not leaving till she got at least a word out of the beaver.

So, kneeling, she knocked on the little round door. It was all very strange because she had never seen a door in the ground before, not for a beaver anyway. "Who's calling, who's calling?" A voice asked from behind the door.

"Is that you, Mister Beaver?" Kaoru asked, "My name is Kaoru and I've come to ask if you have information on someone I'm looking for."

"Now why is a little girl like you asking such a question like that?" The Beaver revealed himself in the dark shadows as he poked out his furry head curiously.

"Have you seen a boy with hair red as a cardinal's feather and one eye the color of spring irises while the other is like that of a tiger's eye?" The beaver gave the same reply as all the other creatures. "The tortoise down the river told me that something floated by the first day of spring this year and that you might have it. That's the day Kenshin disappeared, you see," Kaoru explained. "I just wanted to see if the item belonged to him."

The beaver looked her up and down suspiciously with its dark, button like eyes. "And what if I don't want to give it to you?"

Kaoru blinked surprised at this, "W-why, it's not yours, is it?" she demanded heatedly. "If it's Kenshin's then I'm going to return it to him when I find him."

The beaver stubbornly refused, but another voice called out from the depth. "Give it to her," a gruff voice came through the opening.

"Father," the beaver whined. "I really liked it and it looks so nice in our den."

"Give it to her," Father Beaver spoke harshly. "She saved you when you were but a babe, did you not know? Her and that boy helped us out many times in the past, even before you were born." The younger beaver gave her a hard, glittering stare before scurrying back into the den.

"Th-thank you Mister Beaver," she whispered. An old fur head stuck out from the hole in the ground and looked Kaoru up and down. "No mistaking it," the beaver sighed. "Just like your mother too," and Kaoru blinked her wide eyes at the beaver in surprise. "Didn't know she helped the animals out too?" Father Beaver wiggled his nose at her and made a sound that was suspiciously like a snort. "She was good at what she did. A very good family you come from. And tonight we return one of your many deeds to us with a small favor, yes."

Kaoru opened her mouth but the younger beaver returned with a long and thin something in his mouth. He reluctantly handed it over to Kaoru who held the object in the dark, finding herself having a hard time seeing it. "What is it?" She asked curiously, testing its weight in her hand and wondering why it felt strangely familiar.

Exasperated, the beaver waddled over to her and nudged her hand till the object was revealed under the bright moonlight. Kaoru gasped, it was one part of the set of samurai sword collection that Kenshin treasured, the scabbard of his smaller blade. The sword set was one of the few things Hiko ever gave to Kenshin and Kaoru knew Kenshin treasured it above most of his other possessions, though Kenshin always insisted that he treasured the gifts Kaoru gave him more than anything else. Wrapped around the wooden sheath was the string beads Kaoru made for Kenshin when she was but six years old. At that time, she had wanted to braid it into Kenshin's hair, but he had laughingly deterred her by promising to keep it on him always by threading it securely on the small scabbard of the set of blades he owned.

Kaoru closed her eyes at the memory and clutched the object close to her heart. "Thank you," she whispered to the beavers. Her voice was filled with gratitude and the overwhelming relief of having finally found a trace of the young man she had always loved. "Thank you for this!"

She returned home that day to a worried Father Kamiya, but he was surprised to see that Kaoru was smiling again. She ate the food he placed before her with more heart than he'd seen her express in months. When she was done, she helped him with the dishes before kissing him goodnight and going to bed.

Kaoru opened her window to see the empty study that replaced Kenshin's old room. She put her ear to the telephone they had made together, nostalgically tracing the ridges and bumps that had gathered after years of use. She hummed herself a sad little tune from the bottom of her heart that came to her when she thought of Kenshin.

Somehow, lately she kept seeing him surrounded by coldness and looking very lost and lonely in her dreams. A sense of urgency overcame her and Kaoru knew she must go look for him as soon as possible. But the day had exhausted her and Kaoru understood that she was far weaker physically than she had ever been in her life. And so, she planned and schemed on preparing herself for the long journey ahead.

The beavers had said that the object came floating from up the river, and she would follow it as soon as she had regained her strength. Now, she must store her energy and the little money Kenshin and she had saved up over the years. When she was ready, she would set out into the world to look for Kenshin. And wherever he was, she would find him, and then, she would bring him home.

-----

So passed the first summer Kaoru ever spent by herself without Kenshin. It was strange and lonely, and every day, Kaoru thought of him with worry in her heart. Always, somehow or another, she could only picture him cold and alone out in the world somewhere. Kaoru knew that she was the only one who could save him now. The police wouldn't look for Kenshin the way she would since he left nothing behind but a cold trail, and Hiko had long given up hope, moving on with his life already by the looks of it. And Kenshin, if he really was the way she kept seeing him in her dreams, then he desperately needed her help.

She celebrated his birthday alone that year, sitting by the river and doing all the things they used to do together, by herself. She bought him a present and stored it away for when she would find him or when he would return to the village. Kaoru cried that day, because all she wanted and wished for that year was for Kenshin to return to her, but she stopped herself after only a few tears fell. Kenshin wouldn't want to see her like this, at least, not the Kenshin she grew up with.

Instead, she forced herself to smile even if he wasn't there to see it. Because the Kenshin she saw in her dreams was cold and alone. Kaoru knew from the bottom of her heart that one day he will need her to be the strength and the warmth that was lacking inside him now. She would not give up to tears or waiting, she would never give up on Kenshin.

Kaoru trained harder than she had ever done before that summer. She knew it was imperative that she learn as much as she could the art of sword fighting with her boken. She still helped the animals out whenever she could and the village doctor lent her his book on herbs and medicine when he saw Kaoru's dedication and sudden return from listlessness. On heated afternoons that were too hot to practice in, she would sit in the shade and read with a vigor that she had never before employed.

Late at night, Kaoru would study the geography of the world, not really sure of the places she would go but preparing herself the best she could for the great unknown outside her safe little town. And when summer was nearing an end, Kaoru packed one small satchel of spare clothing, money, and some food, along with a few miscellaneous items to prepare for her departure. She wrapped away most carefully Kenshin's wakazashi sheath and her own wooden boken – in case she ran into someone who needed or aid, or she ran into bandits who would take advantage of a helpless, little girl like herself.

She was especially kind to her father that last evening. She made him dinner, talked about his day with him, and kissed him goodnight, a habit she had abandoned when Kenshin had changed and she became filled with worry. Before she went to bed that night, she hugged her father goodbye without words. He regarded her with a bit of worry in his eyes, but she smiled as many genuine smiles as she could muster.

It would be a lie to say that Kaoru was not afraid or that she did not have doubts about leaving her Father behind. She knew that others might very well regard what she was about to do to be both reckless and foolhardy, especially since she did not know for sure if Kenshin was alive or dead. It was a great gamble at best, and she did not doubt her Father would be filled with both worry and hurt after she leaves. But she recalled the great coldness in Kenshin's gaze the last few months they had been together, and the loneliness that hung around him in her dreams. Kaoru knew, she was the only one who could save him now. She knew he needed her. She had no doubt about going to him, and she refused to back away from her course of action, regardless of fears or doubts.

So that night, when the moon was high in the sky and the first breeze of autumn came blowing through Kaoru's window, she crept out of her bedroom window, through the draw bridge Kenshin and her had never taken apart, and entered into Hiko's new study. She turned one last time to view her familiar bedroom, but resolved herself when her eyes landed on their rusted telephone that had not been used for more than half a year. With Kenshin in mind, she tip-toed through his house, pass a snoring Hiko who slept drunkenly in his own living room and exited out of Kenshin's house.

Running in the dark to the side of the river was difficult with the moon as her only light in the sky. But it was a clear autumn night, and the breeze was fresh with change. Following the river as she had done many times in her preparations to leave, Kaoru felt her way through the darkness.

Further and further away she drew from the village she had known all her life, never looking back as her entire attention was now focused on not losing her footing in the dark. Kaoru passed the place she had met Miss Trout and quietly slipped past the great humped shadow of the resting tortoise. She left behind the mountain Kenshin and she had climbed as children, and the forest they had explored throughout their lives. Step by step, the distance grew between Kaoru and all that she had grown up knowing, until there was nothing to be seen but the shapes of trees in the night. And even though a voice constantly told her, "You can go back still. It'll be safer in your bedroom. Kenshin won't be waiting for you, he's probably just playing a prank and coming back to his house right now." Kaoru determinedly walked on, refusing to let her fears over-take her in the darkness of the night.

"He needs me,"Kaoru whispered to herself determinedly. "And I need him," her heart replied to each labored breath she drew. In the distance a wild animal howled at the moon, and the fear in Kaoru's heart blossomed and threatened to consume her. But Kaoru refused to turn back. She refused to become weak, to go back to helplessness and despair, when she knew that the one person who needed her now was the one person who had always believed in her most – Kenshin. "I'm coming for you, Kenshin!" Kaoru thought determinedly to herself. And without regret, Kaoru let go of everything she ever knew that night by the bank of the lulling river, her last line to a treasured past, as she entered into a new world she would soon learn that no amount of preparations could have prepared her for.

To be continued…