IMPORTANT NOTE:
Okay...since this is a Stryker-heavy chapter (and a freakin' LONG one at that O.O), I did a little searchin' yesterday to look for reference pictures as to what he might have looked like as a young man. And lo and behold...I found this picture...
w w w . gabe-e . com/fanfics/youngws.jpg (remove the spaces =)) – Yeah, it's young William Stryker O.O!!!
Is it just me, or does he NOT look that bad at all?!
It's actually a picture of Brian Cox back when he was around 20-30 years old. Lol! And now you can picture what Stryker looked like in the "past". Capt. O' Hagan would love this (Since she seems to be the only known Stryker fan in existence. Lmao!!!). Btw, I actually had to restore the picture since it was too grainy and small when I found it x.x!
To everyone who reviewed the previous chapter, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! You guys keep this story goin' ;)! I'm also sorry to all the L/Y fans out there that the next few chapters will focus more on Stryker. Just think of this as his last time in the spotlight ;)!!!! And it will tie up nicely with the events in Yuriko's past too ;). Anyway, I still hope you like this chapter nonetheless.
Chapter 58: Rewind to square one
The six year old Stryker walked towards him and held the plane higher, as if he wanted Stryker to look at it. "Don't you want to play?" The boy asked in a rather ghostly way. The boy's big, blue, empty eyes looked at him as if they could see the deepest recesses of his withered soul. "Don't you want to play with me anymore?"
"No!!! I don't want anything to do with you!!!" Stryker cried out as he smacked the toy plane off of the boy's hand. The toy plane flew off the younger boy's hand and landed a couple of paces away from them. One of its wings hit the floor first, causing it to break off, while the rest of the plane landed and slid on the smooth wooden floor until it hit the wall. Stryker looked at the broken plane. It looked so real, as if it was really there. He even felt it against his hand when he hit it, and he even heard it hit the floor.
Then the boy looked at him. The emptiness in the child's eyes was suddenly replaced with the look of anger and sadness. "Now look at what you've done." He said in a rather sad tone. He looked like he was about to cry. After all, he was just a child. "You've broken our favorite toy." He was looking up at Stryker with those big, blue eyes "And now no one will be able to fix it. It will stay that way forever...broken."
Stryker's eyes wandered at the broken plane that lay on the floor. He knew that none of that was happening for real. None of it was for real. The boy and the toy airplane were just ghosts, images, and fading pictures of days gone by. It was just his mind playing tricks on him. All of them were just figments of his imagination.
He looked in front of him and the boy was gone. The young boy who was just standing right in front of him a second ago had disappeared. Then he looked at the area where the toy plane had landed, and it had disappeared too. The boy, the plane, and the plane's broken wing had all vanished as if they weren't even there. And now, Stryker was once again left alone in the empty hallway with nothing but the ghosts in his head.
"Is it over now?" He whispered to himself. He bowed his head down and let his arms hang lifelessly on his sides. "I know it's not over yet. I know you won't stop until you've taken over my mind." He said softly. He was already so tired. He was so tired of seeing these fragmented parts of his past. He was so tired of seeing all of these haunting visions. He just wanted to give up and surrender to himself.
"Please make it all end. I can't take this anymore. If you're going to show me more, then you might as well do it now." He was talking to none other but himself. He knew that his past self wanted to break free from the recessive part of his mind. He knew that his past self wanted to resurface and take its rightful place in his head.
He clenched his hands into tight fists and he gritted his teeth. He wanted to fight, but how could he win if he was fighting against himself? "So what's it going to be, William? What else are you going to show me? What's going to be your final blow?" He asked through gritted teeth. If all was going to end now, then so be it.
"William...." Said a ghostly female voice.
Stryker's head perked up and his eyes opened wide. He almost felt his heart stop in that moment. He knew that voice. He recognized that voice. When he heard it speak his name, it coursed through his body. It echoed in his mind. Each spoken syllable and each spoken letter touched every fiber of his entire being. He knew whose voice it was. Yes, it was her...She was calling out to him. It was...
"Karen." He whispered. He spoke her name as if he'd never forgotten her face. He spoke her name as if he needed her as much as he needed air to breathe.
And in that spec of a moment while her voice still echoed in his mind, he remembered everything about her. He remembered her beautiful face and her round, brown eyes that looked at him with so much passion, so much love. He remembered the sound of her laughter and the happy times that they've spent together. In his mind he saw images, pictures, flashes, movies of her wrapped in his arms. All of them moved so fast in his head that he wanted to grab on to each and every one of them. He wanted to remember all of his memories of her --- Karen Stryker, his wife, the woman he had loved unconditionally. And he never stopped loving her even after the day she died.
Then in an instant, it all vanished...His memories of Karen had gone as fast as they came. He closed his eyes shut and shook his head from side to side. Now the only thing he could remember were bits and pieces of his past with her. His memories of Karen Stryker felt like a million puzzle pieces that he couldn't put together. They were all so blurry in his mind, like faded pictures and decaying paintings.
"Karen..." He whispered to himself as he closed his hands into tight fists. "Karen..." He wanted to remember her. He wanted to remember everything about her. He needed her back. "Please... I need you. Talk to me, Karen...say my name..." He said softly. Perhaps hearing her voice again would put those broken memories back together.
/"So you want to remember her..."/ Said a voice in his head. It was his own voice. He heard his own voice whispering into his mind's ear.
"Why are you doing this to me?" He asked himself through clenched teeth. He closed his fists tighter and felt his fingernails digging through his palm. "Why did you have to use her? Why her of all people? Why Karen?"
/"Karen? What are you talking about? I didn't 'use' Karen."/ Said his voice in a rather sarcastic, mocking way. Stryker could almost hear the 'smirk' in his words. /"You're talking as if I used her in a bad way, an evil way. But I didn't..."
"You know what you did! You let me touch in her in my mind. You let me taste her in my head. You gave me back my memories of Karen but you pulled them all away even before I could hold on to them." He said to himself. His voice was firm and hard, filled with contempt and anger. "You know as well as I do that I need her." He said with a gasp. "You know as well as I do that I love her so much, and that if I saw her again, I'd want her back...I'd want my memories back, my entire past back just so that I could have her with me again. You know this, William. Because 'you' are me..."
Before he heard her voice, before memories of her flooded his mind, he didn't care for his past. He didn't care about his former self and the life he had lived before. He even pushed his childhood self away. He even pushed away the part of him that was so pure and innocent because it was still a part of his past. In fact, if Yuriko had let him erase his past memories, he would have done it without any second thoughts.
But when he had a taste of Karen in his mind, when he had a brief glimpse of the life he had with her, he wanted her back. He wanted to remember every moment that he had with her, right down to the last detail. He wanted to recall the first time they met, their first kiss, her smile, her laughter, their wedding day...everything. He felt like a book with missing pages and he needed her to complete him.
"You're trying to fish me out of the water and you used Karen as a bait." He said. His head was still bowed down and his hands were still locked into tight, hard fists. "You used her as a bait so that I would accept the reality of my past. You made me remember her so that I would realize how much I need my former self..." Then his voice became softer. He knew that he had been defeated. His past self had brought out its secret weapon, and it was none other than Karen Stryker.
/"See?"/ Asked his voice in a rather mocking way. /"You realized it all by yourself."/ Then he heard him chuckling in his head. /"It looks like you aren't as slow as I thought you were, William. After all, I am you...and you are me. And dammit, I know you more than you know your own self. I knew that if I gave you a glimpse of her, you'd beg to see more of her. I knew that if I let you taste her, you'd want to devour her. And now look at you...begging like a hungry dog on the window for more of Karen."/
"Fine!" Shouted Stryker. "You win!!! You win, okay?!!! You got me! You found my weakness!!!" He tilted his head up and spread his arms like a man who had submitted himself to his fate. "I do want to remember her! I'd do anything to have her back in my life!!! I want to have my memories of her until the day I die!!!" He shouted at the top of his lungs. He could hear his voice echoing in the empty hallway. "I want her back, William! Please...give her back to me...let me remember her." He said with a pleading tone in his voice. Then he exhaled and moved his arms back down on his sides.
/"And what will you give in return?"/ Asked his own voice.
Stryker closed his eyes and bowed his head in dismay. "I'll let you have your life back." He said with clenched fists. "I'll give it all away...to you."
He had no choice. After all, it was only a matter of hours before his past would inevitably take over his life. He might as well give it all up now while he still had a good reason to. He might as well submit to his fate knowing that he was doing it all for Karen. At least he would have her back in his life again, even if he would only have her in his memories.
/"Then close your eyes..."/ Whispered the haunting voice in his head. /"And I'll make you remember...everything...starting with 'her'."/
Stryker exhaled and closed his eyes. He relaxed himself and let his tight fists loosen into half-opened hands. He had finally reached the point where he had no choice but to uncover the truth about the man that he used to be. There was no escape this time. He knew he wouldn't be able to run away from his past anymore. And right now, he was ready for what he might see, what he might remember. Perhaps, it was finally the right time that he rediscovered himself. It was about time that he accepted the truth of his past. Yes...it was time. Stryker breathed in and waited for his past to consume him.
And then there was silence.
Stryker opened his eyes and found himself standing in a place that seemed like a bookstore. He assumed that it was a bookstore due to the enormous amount of books that filled the dozen or so shelves that lined the room. He was standing by the doorway as if he had just entered it. There were also big wooden boxes filled with different kinds of books in the area in front of the cashier's counter, and each of the boxes had a sign that had "SALE" printed on them. Stryker narrowed his eyes as he looked around the store.
There was a couch right next to him. It was probably where the customers could sit down and read some of the books. And a couple of paces away from where he was standing was the cashier's counter. Behind the counter was an old man with graying hair. He was busy reading a newspaper. And behind him was a shelf filled with more books
Stryker looked around again, observing everything...His eyes wandered at the shelves, at the place, at the books. Then he breathed in and just smelled the air. Everything looked and felt and smelled so familiar to him. He really couldn't shake the feeling that he had been there before. The bookstore was moderately big, but he seemed to know where each and every genre was located. He felt as if he had visited that store countless of times before. Even the man behind the counter looked so familiar to his eyes.
Where was he? How did he get here? Was this another wakeless dream? Another part of his past? Was this happening for real? He looked around again, observing everything that his eyes could see. He turned to his side and looked outside the clear glass windows of the bookstore. He could see a busy street from where he was standing. There were people walking by, cars parked by the sidewalk, vehicles driving by the road, people waiting for cabs, children walking with their parents. Everything looked so real and so normal. He could even hear the sounds and noises coming from outside the store. He could even the blue sky hovering above the buildings.
Then he turned around and looked at the man behind the counter again. If this was happening for real, then why didn't the bookstore owner greet him when he appeared? If he were really there, in that place and in that time, wouldn't the man even acknowledge his presence? The store clerk didn't even seem to notice that he was there, as if he was invisible. Perhaps this really was a vision...a very real and vivid vision of his past. Yes...this was a part of his past. That was why everything seemed so familiar to him.
But why couldn't he still remember that place? Why couldn't he remember the time when he'd been there before? What was the significance of that store to him? Before he appeared there, the voice in his head told him that he would remember the woman named Karen. So where was Karen? Where was she? Stryker stared at the elderly man again. Maybe he knew where she was. Maybe he needed to ask her. But if he did, would the store clerk even hear him? Stryker had no choice. It's either he stood there and stare at the store for eternity, or do something that would advance this vivid vision.
Stryker about to walk towards the counter, when the man behind the counter suddenly looked at him and smiled. The smile that spread across the older man's face was wide, as if he was very happy to see Stryker. In fact, he looked ecstatic.
"William!!!" The bookstore owner shouted with the huge smile still lingering on his face. He placed his newspaper on the counter and raised a hand to wave at him.
Stryker furrowed his eyebrows and looked at the older man curiously. Then he narrowed his eyes and pointed at himself. "Are you talking to me?" He asked with curiosity and confusion in his voice. The man by the counter just called out his name, so he must have been referring to him. "Can you see me?" He asked again, pointing at himself. The older man was also looking at his direction, so that meant that he could see him.
"Hey Nathan, what's up?!" Said a man's voice. It sounded like a young man's voice. It was jubilant and quite boyish, yet firm and deep at the same time. It also had a hint of a western accent in it. And it sounded familiar...horrifyingly familiar.
Stryker looked behind him and saw the voice's owner entering the shop's door. He did hear the door open a while ago, but his mind was too busy and fixated on sorting out his current situation. He tried to look at the man's face to see if he recognized him, but the young man quickly turned around to close the door behind him. He was wearing a dark green jacket that hung loosely around his lean form, and a pair of cargo pants. Who was this person? Was he a part of his past too?
The young man closed the door and turned around to look at Nathan's direction. He had a smile on his face as he looked at the older man, but he couldn't seem to see Stryker. He seemed to be looking right through him as if Stryker wasn't even standing there. Then Stryker's eyes opened wide as he looked at the face of the young man who had just entered the store. He knew that face. He knew that face all too well. It didn't have the creases that his face had now, and the young man's hair was darker and a little longer than his, but Stryker still recognized him. That was him...that was him twenty to thirty years ago. He was actually standing in front of his younger counterpart.
Then Stryker yelped in surprised as the young man walked through him like he was just thin air. His younger self didn't even seem to know that he was there. He just walked through him and approached the counter. Stryker's jaw dropped with surprise as he turned around to observe his younger self. He still couldn't believe what was happening. He still couldn't believe what he was seeing. Then he soon realized where he was. He was in his mind...in his subconscious, where his past lurked.
"Well, everything's going well, Will." Said Nathan, in response to William's earlier question. Then he raised his eyebrows and looked at the door, as if he was waiting for someone else to come in. "Where's Yuriko and Logan? Been a while since I've last seen them here with ya'." He said as he looked at the young fellow on the other side of the counter. "In fact, it's been a while since I've last seen them. Period."
William smiled and shook his head from side to side. "Ah, you know those two." He sighed and placed a folded arm over the counter. "Ever since they hooked up, they've been having their own little misadventures together. Knowing Logan, they're probably hiking in the Canadian Rockies right now...either there, or somewhere in BC. You know how he is...can't stay in one place for too long. He likes it out there - in the wilderness." Then he raised his eyebrows and grinned. "Even Yuriko's starting to enjoy going places. Well, as long as she's having fun." He said with a shrug
Nathan reached out and patted him on the shoulder. "Don't worry, Will. I'm still here. Good ol' Nathan Waldman." He said with a proud smile.
William laughed and waved a finger at the older man. "But you're neither Yuriko nor Logan. I hate to admit it, but...I really miss those two whenever they're away. I mean, Logan's really not that much of a talker, but he's a good friend...and it's really nice having those claws of his around. Useful things." He chuckled. "As for Yuriko ---"
"...You miss her more." Said Nathan, cutting William off in mid-sentence. He looked at him as if he could read what the young man was thinking. "You miss being with her. Admit it, Will. You miss having her around." He said suggestively. "Look, I know it's none of my business, but I know how much you care for the girl. And I know that you care for her more than you'll ever admit. You think I don't notice the way you look at her? You light up like the fourth of July whenever she's around." He said with a smile. "And I'm referring to all the years that I've worked with you kids."
William suddenly looked away and forced a faint smile on his lips. "Oh come on, Nate. Don't joke like that." He said with a quiet chuckle. "You know I miss spending time with her as much as I miss spending time with James." Then he looked back at his friend and forced an even bigger smile on his lips, as if he was trying to put on a happy facade. Though the empty look in his eyes revealed a deeper emotion that he would rather suppress. "Those two are like the brother and sister I never had." He quickly added.
"Heck, you were like the father I never had." He said as he patted Nathan on the upper arm. "Hey, I missed you too when you decided to leave the..." Then his last word hung in the air. He pursed his lips and tilted his eyebrows, and then he slowly pulled his hand back towards him. He looked like he had just said something wrong, or said something that he shouldn't have.
Nathan looked away and sighed, then his eyes quickly looked around the bookstore, surveying if anyone else was there with them. When he found no other person in sight, he placed his elbows on the counter and clasped his hands together. Then he leaned towards William and looked at the younger man with a serious expression on his face.
"By the way...How's the team doing? How's Code7?" He asked in a low voice. Nathan's voice was so faint, that his words almost disappeared into a whisper. Code7 was a term that they used to refer to their top-secret CIA division. It was coined from the division's original name, Covert Operations Division – 7.
"Been a couple of months since I last dropped by the HQ." He continued. "I know its' been a year since I retired, but I just want to know if everything's going okay. I've been hearing a lot of buzz about some kind of post-world-war-two biological weapon that's being developed somewhere. Dunno if it's just a rumor, but I hope you guys are on its tail." He said as quietly as he could.
William took a quick look around, and then crossed his arms over the counter and leaned towards Nathan. "Yeah. We've heard about it too." He said in a low, faint voice. His eyes occasionally darted left and right just to check if someone else was there with them.
"We actually just finished a mission to the Soviet. Did some research and surveillance there. Almost got caught, but the three of us got out on time to keep our heads attached to our bodies." He snickered and then took a quick glance at the clear glass windows of the shop. His eyes made a quick survey on the people outside the store, even those who were across the street, and those walking pass the shop's window. He also looked at the cars parked by the sidewalk and those driving down the road.
He had to make sure that no one was close enough to hear a word, or even a sound of what they were talking about. If someone outside Code7 knew of its existence and discovered the work that they were involved in, he would put himself, his relatives, and his entire team in jeopardy...and that was the last thing he wanted.
His work in the division had become his life and his purpose. And everyone involved in their team had been his family. He would do anything to keep them safe, anything to keep their existence a secret. As for Nathan, he trusted him. Agent Nathan Waldman was once a part of their 'elite' team until he found the need to retire and live a 'normal' life, though he still passes by the team's headquarters every now and then.
His eyes darted back at Nathan. "We've found nothing so far." He continued. "In fact, we're not even sure if it's really a biological weapon. But whatever it is, it's one damn guarded secret. Heck, we don't even know if the Soviet's really involved in this one." He said with a tone of dismay and disappointment. "And you know us, Nate. You know that when something's up, we always --- 'always' know what it is before anyone else does." He said firmly as he looked into the older man's eyes.
Then William suddenly smiled and shrugged his shoulders. "As for the team, everything's going great." The serious look on his face was suddenly replaced with a carefree, more relaxed look, as if a heavy weight had just been lifted off his shoulders. "We haven't had any real field missions lately, so everyone's been laying low, having some much needed time for themselves and their families." He said with a smile.
A happy sigh escaped from his lips as he turned his head to look at the world outside the bookstore's windows. His eyes were filled with joy and contentment as he watched the people walk pass the store, living their normal, daily lives. This time, he wasn't looking outside to 'inspect' his surroundings or to watch his back. This time, he was looking at the world to simply observe and bask in its innocent beauty.
"God, you gotta love times like this, Nathan." He said happily as he looked at the busy street. "Makes you feel as if nothing's wrong with the world, as if everything's picture perfect. It gives us an illusion that everything is all right and that everyone is at peace. It is times like this that gives us a glimmer of hope that someday, a time will come when we won't have to fight anymore." His voice sounded hopeful and longing. He wished that he could wash away all of the world's pains and imperfections with just the snap of his fingers. Maybe someday, he would...if he became strong enough.
"And it is peaceful times like this that gives us a chance to live like them." He added. His eyes continued to follow the people outside. "...To live normal, simple lives just like everyone else." A gentle smile curled up his lips and he sighed. Then he laughed and looked back at the older man. "Don't get me wrong though, Nate. I'm not going soft...well, not yet anyway." He chuckled. "Don't expect me to drop out of the team any time soon. I love my job and I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world."
Nathan laughed heartily and punched William on the shoulder. "Now that's the spirit, my boy!" He said. William laughed and punched him back. "Thanks, Nate!" He replied. Then the two of them laughed in unison. Despite William's love for his mercenary work, his research and his technology, he still enjoyed moments like this --- moments when he could just be like any other 'normal' guy standing in a bookstore, laughing and chatting with an old friend at nine o' clock in the morning.
If only Yuriko were there to spend the rest of the day with him.
Then the laughter on his lips suddenly faded into a soft, faint smile as he thought of her. Yes...Yuriko. Nathan was right...he did miss her above all else.