Chapter Two: Magical Hobs, Party Plans, and Eggs

Bilbo Baggins, the Magical Hob, was about to have his one hundred and eleventh birthday. He was inviting everyone in the Pretty Green Secluded Area, and it was to be the biggest, wildest party that any of them had ever seen.

All of the other Magical Hobs thought that Bilbo was extremely weird and un-Hobish. He had disappeared sixty years ago to be Thorin and Company's personal cheese finder, and when he returned, he brought a huge horde of treasure, expired grocery store coupons, and elf maiden slaves that he hid under his Hob Hillock. At least, that's what the Magical Hobs thought.

Bilbo always denied it, insisting that the only thing he had brought back was a box of free cheese and an elderly potato.

"Free cheese!" sputtered the Gaffer in disgust. "And in boxes? What is the world coming to!"

"Free cheese!" exclaimed Sam Gamgee, with a bright-eyed expression. "I would so love to see free cheese in a box!"

"Be quiet, foolish son of mine!" said the Gaffer. "Free boxed cheese is not for sensible folk like us! Now run along and plant the cabbages and water the taters!"

"But I already did!" protested Sam.

"Well, um... go plant the cabbages and water the taters again!"

"Alright, alright."

Bilbo lived all alone by his lonesome self for many years, not having many friends. There was Gandalf, of course. And his box of cheese that he kept locked up and nobody else was allowed to see. And there was young Frodo Baggins.

Frodo always liked to be around Bilbo, as Bilbo told very interesting stories about the dwarves and the elves. He told tales about what it smelled like when surrounded by thirteen dwarves who never bathed, and these sometimes gave young Frodo nightmares.

And then there were the tales about the elves, and their Magical Shampoo that can tame any hair and make it delightfully shiny. These stories made young Frodo happy, and he wished that he could frolic about with the elves and have perfect, shiny, long elf princess hair.

Poor young Frodo was an orphan, as his parents had died in some sort of crazy accident that involved turnips, water activities, and an oversized carrot.

The rumor was that Drogo and Primula Baggins were going shopping in the market. A farmer was selling an oversized carrot, and as he waved it in the air for all to see, he accidentally let go of it. The carrot sailed through the air and hit Drogo in the fingernail of his left thumb, causing him to die a horrible painful death.

Primula was so distraught that she ran around in circles yelling hysterically. As she ran, she tripped and fell and landed on the ground. Odo Proudfoot was so startled that he fell over right on top of Primula, and tragically, his overweight body crushed her to death.

But that wasn't the end of the misfortunes. That very same day, a farmer had placed his prized turnips in a boat so he could ship them to the other end of the Pretty Green Secluded Area. He left the boat for just a moment, and that was when disaster struck.

The boat suddenly capsized, and those poor turnips all drowned. They were sorely missed by many Magical Hobs, and a touching funeral was held in their memory.

After the death of his parents, young Frodo was sent to live in the Land of Male Deer that Are Exposed to Brandy. It was a strange part of the Pretty Green Secluded Area, and there were quite a few drunken deer running around.

Frodo lived with his mother's people, the Brandybucks, and all of the Magical Hobs thought they were definitely very odd and un-Hobish.

They were considered rather demonic, because they swam, boated, went in the forest, used both shampoo and conditioner, and had second breakfast before first breakfast.

Bilbo felt that Frodo should not be corrupted by this, and so he adopted young Frodo. Young Frodo was very happy. But then, nearly everything made young Frodo happy.

Years passed, and Bilbo and Frodo lived happily together. It was now time for Bilbo's one hundred and eleventh birthday, and Frodo's thirty-third birthday.

Gandalf decided that he would visit the Pretty Green Secluded Area, so that he could wish Bilbo a happy birthday, and try to get back his favorite left shoe that Bilbo had stolen. All Gandalf had left now were two right shoes, and it was very uncomfortable to wear two right shoes.

And so the old wizard drove through the Pretty Green Secluded Area on his broken-down, rickety old wagon. Every once in a while he would run over a bump in the road, and a small splinter of the wagon would fall off. He'd gotten it extremely cheap at a dwarven flea market.

Frodo happened to be outside that morning, and when he spotted Gandalf, he ran right into the middle of the road, waving his arms excitedly.

This turned out to be a not so very good idea, because Frodo nearly ended up getting bowled over by the wagon. Gandalf stopped it just in time, and Frodo continued his excited waving. The Magical Hob was obviously unfazed by his near-fatal experience.

"Hey, Frodo," wheezed Gandalf.

"Gandalf, what are you doing here in Magical Hob territory!" Frodo demanded.

"I've come to smoke up all your Old Toby and drink all your Old Winyards!" Gandalf said, wheezing and cackling at the same time. Wheezing and cackling do not mix.

"Stupid old man," muttered Frodo, pounding Gandalf on the back.

Once Gandalf regained his breath, he said, "Hop into my wagon!"

"Okay!" cried Frodo. He gave an excited leap into the wagon, causing a large piece of wood to fall off and land in the road. "Um...I can fix that."

"That's quite all right!" said Gandalf. "That happens all the time! It's what you get when you buy cheap dwarf products."

Gandalf started up the wagon again and the two of them rode on, Frodo struggling as hard as he could not to fall out of the jolting vehicle.

Suddenly a gaggle of annoying little kiddies came shrieking down the road.

"What are those awful creatures!" cried Gandalf, plugging his ears from the terrible screeches.

"Those," said Frodo with a shudder, "are Hob children! Believe it or not, I was actually one of those awful monsters at one time!"

"No!" gasped Gandalf.

The annoying Hob kiddies continued to shriek and scream in their meaningless chatter, pointing rudely at Gandalf and his cargo.

Suddenly, there came a giant BOOM from the wagon, and all the Hob kiddies lay on the road unconscious.

"Wow, that was an impressive fart, Gandalf!" Frodo exclaimed.

"That's the result of eating chili every day for three life ages," Gandalf responded.

"Wow."

"Okay, well I've got to go yell at your stupid uncle/cousin/old man that lives with you!" wheezed Gandalf. "So get out of here!" He gave Frodo a kick in the buttocks and Frodo flew out of the wagon and rolled down a giant hill.

"Eep!" cried Frodo.

"SAM TO THE RESCUE!" screamed Sam, who was wearing bright green underwear on the outside of his clothes. As Frodo was rolling down the hill, Sam heroically caught him and set him down.

"Sam, I could have saved myself!" Frodo informed him in frustration.

Sam sighed. "I guess I'm not cut to be a super hero. I'd rather see the Elves!" he became misty-eyed at the thought of Elves.

"Son, quit daydreaming about those silly creatures!" yelled the Gaffer. "You should be thinking of carrots and taters instead!"

Sam sighed. "Okay."

Gandalf soon arrived at Bilbo's Hob Hillock and scratched on the door with his staff.

Bilbo opened up the door. "Eek!" He suddenly fell over in a faint.

"Holy cricket!" Gandalf exclaimed. "Bilbo's fainted!" He quickly grabbed a bottle of Old Winyards from 1296 (very good year) and splashed it on Bilbo's face.

The Magical Hob soon revived, looked at the wizard bending over him and cried, "Gandalf! What a surprise! What do you want?"

"Let me in!" ordered Gandalf.

"Fine, fine," said Bilbo. He surveyed the front of his Hob Hillock. "Hey, have you been making those stupid ridiculous scratches on my door again!"

"They're not stupid scratches! It's art!" Gandalf protested.

"Whatever you say." Bilbo then walked off into the kitchen for a moment to satisfy a sudden pang of hunger that had come over him unexpectedly.

Gandalf walked inside, and banged his head on the chandelier, breaking it into several pieces. "Um... oops," He quickly grabbed the broken pieces and shoved them into a cupboard.

Bilbo walked back into the room. "Now I am going to run around the house while babbling and eating eggs," he said, doing so.

"No fair, I want some eggs!" Gandalf whined.

"Fine, you can have some. And you can run around the house babbling too!"

"Okay!"

Gandalf and Bilbo were about to enjoy the delicious goodness of eggs, when suddenly the irritating voice of Lobelia Sackville-Baggins screeched, "Fee, fie, foe, fum, I SMELL EGGS!"

"Oh no!" cried Bilbo. "It's Lobelia Sackville-Baggins!"

"What's so bad about that?"

"She's been after my prized eggs for years!"

Gandalf and Bilbo waited in silence for Lobelia to disappear. They finally heard her footsteps die away, and Bilbo went into the kitchen. Gandalf followed him, and knocked into a table, causing several expensive glass things fell off and break.

"GANDALF, YOU KLUTZ!" screamed Bilbo. "You break it, you buy it!"

"Sorry," muttered Gandalf.

"No you're not."

"Well let's go onto the subject of that tater of yours," Gandalf suggested.

"I'd rather not talk about it!"

"You must!" Gandalf bellowed. "Do it or I'll turn blue and scary! Or green and scary, if you prefer the Galadriel look."

"I've got a better idea! Let's sit here and smoke all day!" Bilbo proposed.

Gandalf thought for a moment. "Sounds like a good plan to me!" He took out his prized pipe and took a seat by the fire. Bilbo brought his pipe and a five hundred pound sack of Old Toby and joined him.

"Gandalf, my old friend," Bilbo said, "this will be a night to remember. The only drawback is I'll probably be too drunk to remember it."