Chapter Three: The Power of the Tater

Night had fallen, and the birthday party for Frodo and Bilbo had begun. Many drunken Magical Hobs danced stupidly in a circle and Bilbo stood around chatting to the Hobs that were at least semi-sober.

First, there was to be dancing, and then presents, and then last, and most definitely least, would come Bilbo's speech. The mere thought of this speech put many Magical Hobs into severe states of terror.

"Hey Sam, go ask Odo Proudfoot for a dance!" Frodo said, grinning wickedly.

"Odo Proudfoot!" Sam squeaked. He glanced over at Odo, who was dancing all by himself and appeared to be causing a minor earthquake. Frodo nodded.

"Begging your pardon, Mr. Frodo, but why don't you go and dance with him?" Sam retorted.

Frodo suddenly looked uncomfortable and dashed away.

Rosie Cotton, meanwhile, was happily dancing with a creepy Tater Wraith, who had snuck himself into the party. Tater Wraiths, no matter evil they were, just couldn't resist parties.

"Oh, Wraith, I like you so much more than that fat Sam!" said Rosie.

"Me evil," said the Tater Wraith stupidly.

"Huh?" said Rosie.

"Me evil," the Wraith repeated, in a droning voice. He then ran away and disappeared.

"COME BACK!" cried Rosie. "I LOVE YOU!"

"You do!" said Sam.

"Not you!" said Rosie. She shoved Sam and skipped away to steal some cake.

Sam burst into tears. "What if Rosie continues to shun me! Then I'll be forced to go after... Mr. Frodo! EEW!"

After the dancing was over and done with, and the passed-out Hobs were dragged away, it was present time. Bilbo gave out some presents, and then Frodo gave out some presents, and then Gandalf gave out some presents, and then the Gaffer gave out some presents, and then Will Whitfoot gave out some presents, and then Fredegar Bolger gave out some presents, and then Ted Sandyman gave out some presents, and then Gimli's long-lost evil twin gave out some presents, and soon everybody was giving presents to each other.

"Wow, this giving out presents to everyone custom is really kind of annoying," Bilbo commented.

"Quit your whining and get out of my way. I'm setting off fireworks here," Gandalf said. He then set off some fireworks, which zapped some annoying Hob kiddies. "Hahaha!"

Meanwhile Merry was randomly standing around bored. "I'm bored," Merry said randomly.

"I'm Sam!" Sam announced.

"I have an apple! Where did it come from? I will name it Bob, and it will be my friend!" Merry said, pointing at Bob the apple.

Frodo looked disturbed. "I didn't know Merry was back from that "special" place that he was sent off to for several months!"

Pippin then wandered out of nowhere and said, "I had too much pipe-weed and now I feel like doing something really stupid!"

"Okay!" Merry said. "Bob says we should steal a firework!"

"Who's Bob!" Pippin asked.

"I don't know."

Pippin then grabbed a firework and screamed, "I AM A PYRO! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He then blew up the firework simply because explosions excite him.

The Magical Hobs all shrieked with fear, except the drunken ones, who laughed and clapped until they fell off their seats.

After that ordeal was taken care of, Bilbo decided that it was time to bring upon the dreaded moment. He walked over to the refreshments and stood on top of a barrel. "Time for-" he began, but suddenly the barrel broke and he fell to the ground. "Ow!"

The Magical Hobs all pointed and laughed. Bilbo swore and got on top of a tree stump. "Here it is! The moment you've all been waiting for! My speech!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" everybody screamed. "Quick, where are the earplugs!"

"I've got some!" said Frodo. Various Magical Hobs dogpiled him and grabbed all the earplugs they could get their hands on. "Sheesh, you could have just asked," muttered a slightly battered Frodo.

Bilbo gazed fixedly at them all, opened his mouth (causing several Hobs to cringe with fear), and began to drone on and on. And on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on...

Two hundred and fifteen "and on"s later:

Bilbo paused for breath. Several Magical Hobs, thinking that he was finished at last, leaped off their seats and hurried away. But oh no, Bilbo was not done.

He stared at his audience (in which nearly everyone was asleep), and took a deep breath. "I've bored you all long enough. I'm going now, and may the Force be with you!" He took a rather elderly looking tater out of his pocket, and took a bite out of it. The next second, he and the tater were gone.

Most of the Magical Hobs continued to snore. The ones who were actually awake were either too drunk or too bored to even realize what had just happened.

Meanwhile, back at his Hob Hillock, Bilbo reappeared and glanced at his tater. The spot where he had taken a bite had now been filled back in, as if he had never bitten the tater at all. Ah, the power of magic. "Those Magical Hobs are such suckers."

"Yes, they are, aren't they?" said Gandalf's voice.

"GASP!" gasped Bilbo. He stared at Gandalf and started sputtering uncontrollably.

"Get a hold of yourself, Bilbo!"

"Sorry."

"The tater must stay behind!" Gandalf ordered.

"But I'll never be able to fall asleep without it!" Bilbo protested. "That tater is just like a teddy bear to me!"

"You can get plenty of teddy bears in Rivendell," Gandalf assured him. "All you have to do is sneak into Elrond's room and open the second drawer in his dresser. And now Elrond's going to kill me for telling you that."

Bilbo tried hard not to laugh at the thought of Lord Elrond collecting teddy bears. He then walked over to the other end of the room to pack his traveling bag.

As Bilbo's back was turned, Gandalf started rummaging through some drawers and shoved random valuables into the pockets of his robes.

"Gandalf, what are you doing?" Bilbo asked, his back still turned.

"Uh, NOTHING!" said Gandalf hastily.

"Oh good! Then I'm outta here!" Bilbo said. He turned around and walked out the door.

"Bilbo, you've got the tater shoved down your pants!" wheezed Gandalf.

"Oh. I do?"

"Yes," Gandalf said.

"How could you tell!"

"Well, um... there was an interesting shape in your pants, and I knew it wasn't-"

"Alright, alright!" said Bilbo. He reached into his pants, pulled out the tater, and flung it on the floor. "See ya, Gandalf!" He then picked up his traveling bag, stuck his pipe behind his ear, and left forever.

Gandalf picked up the tater and sniffed it. "Dear Iluvitar, how old is this thing!"