Chapter Six: Finally Leaving

Frodo realized that he could not put it off any longer. He was going to have to leave his beloved Hob Hillock forever. "Well, come on, you guys," he said sadly.

"And let me guess, I'm the one who's going to be stuck dealing with all the baggage?" Sam asked irritably.

"Wow, however did you guess?" said Frodo. "Well, let's go! Merry! Pippin! Get over here!"

"Wait, shouldn't I go ahead of you guys so I can guard your new house?" Merry asked.

"Why would you need to guard the house?"

Merry shrugged. "To keep all the invisible Oompa Lumpas away!" he gave a deranged laugh.

"Um... okay," said Frodo. "That's an incredibly crazy reason. You really should go separately, so that we don't have to put up with you. But I'm afraid you might hurt yourself if you're alone for too long of a time. You'd better come with us. It's for your own good."

"For my own good? That's exactly what the people at the special place told me!" Merry said.

"Uh... yeah."

"You're not sending me to the special place, are you? The rubber walls were nice, but I don't want to go back!"

"No, we need you here with us," Frodo assured him.

And so the four Magical Hobs left Frodo's Hob Hillock and walked throughout the Pretty Green Secluded Area. After traveling for about thirty seconds, Sam suddenly sat down and started rocking back and forth in fetal position while whimpering to himself.

"Sam, what are you doing?" Frodo demanded.

"I'm scared. I've never been more than ten yards away from home before!"

"You're pathetic," Frodo said.

"Help me, Mr. Frodo!"

"Oh fine." Frodo grabbed Sam by the wrists, and using every ounce of strength that he possessed, dragged the frightened Hob behind him.

"Mr. Frodo, you're chafing my wrists," Sam said after a few minutes. There was a pause. "Mr. Frodo, my bottom just struck a sharp rock." Another pause. "Mr. Frodo, all this dragging is pulling my pants down."

Frodo irritably let go of Sam. "Well then get up and walk!"

"Yes, Mr. Frodo."

The Magical Hobs kept on walking, until they paused at the edge of a ledge. Sam, bringing up the rear, tripped, fell, and knocked everybody over. And having Samwise Gamgee on top of you is not a pleasant thing.

"Why is everyone crushing the life out of me!" complained Pippin, who was on the bottom.

"Sorry," muttered Sam.

Suddenly, Merry started to scream hysterically. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"What!" said the others.

"MY CARROT DIED!" screamed Merry. He then buried the carrot under the ground and stuck a twig in the dirt as a grave marker. "You were such a good carrot who deserved more life! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO!"

Everybody slowly edged away from Merry.

"I'm starting to doubt your sanity, Mr. Merry," said Sam.

"Oh, you should have started doubting long ago!" cackled Merry with an evil grin.

Everybody then got to their feet and continued walking. Suddenly, a weird breeze began to blow, and Frodo thought that the breeze was trying to tell him something. "Oh my gosh! This weird, foreshadowing breeze is telling me to... play hide-and-seek!"

"Mr. Frodo, this isn't the time to play hide-and-seek!" Sam scolded.

Frodo listened to the breeze again. "And it says we should... hide under that tree!" He excitedly skipped off of the road and led them all to a dank and smelly shelter underneath a tree.

The Magical Hobs sat under the tree for what seemed like forever. Suddenly, a Tater Wraith rode by on a giant walking french fry. "Oh, tater! Where are you?" There was silence. "I know you're here! I can smell your stench of evil!"

Merry, being the only totally crazy one there, threw Sam's favorite pair of pants and screamed, "FETCH!"

The Tater Wraith, being gullible and stupid, ran after the pants. "Goody, I love playing fetch!"

Sam started sobbing uncontrollably. "Those were my favorite pair of pants! Merry, how could you! You insensitive jerk!"

Merry, however, was not listening and was busy staring at a rock. It was a fascinating rock.

The four Magical Hobs then got out from under the tree and went back on the road. They walked along for a while longer, but Sam suddenly stopped in his tracks.

"Sam, I thought you got over that "never been so far from home" thing!" Frodo said.

Sam ignored him and continued to stand still. He was misty-eyed and had an enraptured look on his face. Frodo waved a hand in front of his face. "Hello? Earth to Sam!"

The fat hobbit managed to point at something in the distance, and to stutter one word. "Elves!"

Frodo shook his head. "Sheesh, Sam, they're only elves."

"Hello!" said the elves. "We are on a journey to the Land of Stuff that Refuses to Die! Your fat friend has some serious issues, and we will now hightail it out of here before he can continue to stare at us ecstatically!" The elves then disappeared from sight.

Sam burst into tears. "Why did they have to go!"

"Because you freaked them out," Merry told him.

"Now I'm going to be in a severe state of depression for the rest of the day!" Sam sobbed.

Well, Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin continued to walk on, like they had been doing before. And Sam brought up the rear, like he had been doing before, with his head bowed and a downcast expression on his face. Poor Sam.

Suddenly, a really weird guy dressed in ugly, terribly mismatched clothing appeared out of nowhere. "AAHHH!" Frodo screamed, pointing at the stranger. "Quick, somebody call the fashion police!"

"Hi!" shouted the stranger. "I'm Tom Bomb-to-kill! You can just call me Tom!"

"Tom Bomb-to-kill?" the Magical Hobs exclaimed.

"Let me demonstrate." Tom reached into his pocket, pulled out a bomb, and hurled it at an innocent little squirrel that was sitting nearby. There was a loud exploding sound, and the poor little squirrel was blown to bits.

The Magical Hobs had looks of shock and disbelief on their faces. Sam wiped away several tears.

"Are you going to hurt us?" Frodo asked.

"No! Instead, I'll scare you away by singing really annoying nonsense songs!"

"No! Have mercy!" the Hobs cried.

"Come on then, Magical Hobs! You can visit my house!" Tom invited. Before any of them could answer, he tugged all of the Magical Hobs with him through the forest. After a few minutes, he stopped at the door of a house that was painted like a hippie van. "I like bright colors!" he explained.

"My old Gaffer would have a thing or two to say if he could see us now," Sam muttered.

Tom opened the multicolored door and dragged the Magical Hobs inside. Sitting in a chair was a beautiful woman, who had a collar around her neck and a leash that was tied to the wall.

Frodo looked at her and raised his eyebrows. "Wow, you're hot!" Tom slapped him. "Quit checking out my wife!"

"Your wife?" Frodo sounded rather downcast.

"Yes, my wife, Goldbooty!" Tom replied, gesturing at the tied-up woman. "I keep her tied up so that she can never escape from me! She has made several escape attempts in the past, and so I must prevent that! You wanna know how she got her name?"

"No, not really," Sam said quickly.

"Goldbooty, say hello to these Magical Hobs!" Tom said. He tugged on her leash, and she got to her feet. "Hello and welcome to the house of Tom Bomb-to-kill. I am Goldbooty, your lovely hostess. We offer nothing but the finest hospitality during your visit. Dinner will be served in an hour."

"Wow, did she memorize that off of a script or something?" Frodo asked.

"Actually, yes!" Tom said.

"Well, we really can't stay here," Frodo informed him. "We have to go to the village of Beer as soon as possible." He looked at Goldbooty. "But, maybe there are some attractions that are worth seeing..." He winked at Merry and Pippin, who winked back.

Sam was the only one who was immune to Goldbooty's extreme beauty. He grabbed Frodo by the wrist and tugged him towards the door. "Mr. Frodo, we have to go!"

"Aw." Frodo, Merry, and Pippin reluctantly went through the door, casting lingering looks back at Goldbooty. "Um...now where do we go?" Frodo wondered aloud.

"We're going to Beer, Mr. Frodo! Remember?" Sam reminded him.

"Oh yeah."

"We can take the Buckleberry Ferry!" Merry suggested. "Because it has a funny name!" He led the others through the forest and over to the ferry, where it sat calmly in the river.

Frodo started to whimper. "But I'm afraid of water!"

Sam took on a heroic look. "I won't let you drown, Mr. Frodo!" He picked Frodo up and set him gently down on the ferry.

"Oh Sam!" cried Frodo.

"Um, Mr. Frodo, let's not get all sappy here," said Sam, looking slightly frightened.

Frodo edged away from the other Magical Hob. "Sorry about that. Thanks for warning me."

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