Chapter Ten: Annoying and Lengthy Flashbacks
Frodo lay asleep in Rivendell, in a rather girlish looking bed. "There's no place like home, there's no place like home..." he muttered, tossing and turning wildly.
Gandalf reached over and shook him. "Dorothy, er, I mean, Frodo! Wake up!" Frodo continued to sleep. Gandalf shook him harder, but the Magical Hob did not wake.
Gandalf leaned over, put his mouth to Frodo's ear, and screamed, "FRODO!" The Magical Hob gave a startled jump and opened his eyes. "Gandalf!"
"Of course I'm Gandalf! Who else would I be?"
"How could you have abandoned us like that, Gandalf? Don't you love us?"
"I didn't abandon you, you moron," Gandalf replied. "This is what really happened..."
Flashback:
Gandalf arrived wheezing and panting at Skittleman the Many Colored's tree-house. Skittleman had never gotten around to building a tower and had to make do with a tree-house. He soon appeared outside, wearing a robe of all the rainbow's colors, which is what gave him the name Skittleman.
"Hello, Skittleman," Gandalf wheezed.
"Skittles. Taste the rainbow," the other wizard replied.
"Um... yeah. That's nice.
"Look, my fingernails have grown sixteen inches since the last time you saw me!" Skittleman announced. He displayed his fingernails, which had been freshly manicured and polished.
Gandalf tried not to show his disgust. "Interesting. Now let's discuss what I've come to discuss. The tater has been in the Pretty Green Secluded Area, and it is in the possession of Frodo Baggins the Magical Hob, who is on his way to Rivendell!"
"How stupid of you," Skittleman told him. "You've told me all of that vital, secret information! And I shall now use it for my evil plans!"
"Evil plans? No!"
"Yes!" Skittleman climbed up the ladder to his tree-house and dragged Gandalf inside with him. "I've gone to the Dark Side! Er, I mean, I've gone evil!"
"Egad!" gasped Gandalf. "This cannot be!"
"Mwahaha! And I have been contacting Farmer Sauron with this burnt donut!" He gestured at the burnt donut, which sat on a pedestal.
"But looking into the lost burnt donuts will corrupt you!" Gandalf argued.
"So? Do you really think I care about that?"
"Well, uh, I have to be going now, Skittleman," Gandalf said hastily. He tried to get to the exit but Skittleman blocked his path. "Not so fast!"
The two wizards then engaged in a violent and extremely pointless battle with their staffs, which concluded that old people need their exercise too.
Skittleman was much more skilled at staff fighting than Gandalf was, and he soon had Gandalf flat on the floor, spinning around in circles. "Mwahaha! I'm making you break-dance against your will!"
"You can see up my robe when I'm in this position," said Gandalf. "It makes me feel very uncomfortable."
"Well then I shall make you even more uncomfortable!" Skittleman raised his staff and sent Gandalf on top of the roof of the tree-house.
"But I'm afraid of heights!" whined Gandalf.
"Good!"
"And it's raining out here!"
"Yes, exactly! Rain contains dust particles, and hopefully the dust particles will get stuck down your throat and you'll die!"
"Nooooo!" Gandalf moaned. Rain continued to fall and pour on him, until his hair soon resembled a wet mop.
"Hmm... I should rip off Gandalf's hair and use it as a cleaning mop..." Skittleman thought to himself.
Time passed, and Gandalf was still on the roof of Skittleman's tree-house, alone and in the rain. Suddenly, a boy named Peter Pan flew to the tree-house. "Come away to Neverland!"
"No way!" wheezed Gandalf indignantly.
"Not that Neverland, you moron!" Peter Pan said.
"Well I still don't want to go there."
"Well then where would you rather go?"
"Horseyland would be nice," Gandalf wheezed.
"Okay then," said Peter Pan. He grabbed Gandalf by the wrist and they flew away from the tree-house. "Heights make me dizzy," Gandalf moaned.
"Don't me dare spit up on me!" Peter Pan warned.
"I'll try not to."
Skittleman poked his head out the tree-house entrance. "SKITTLES! TASTE THE RAINBOW!" He angrily shook his fist at them, sat down, and ate a bag of Skittles.
Peter Pan then dropped Gandalf off at Horseyland, and then flew away, never to be seen again. Gandalf strode into the Not-A-Single-Speck-Of-Gold-Hall and approached King Theoden. "Hello, Theoden King!"
"What do you want?"
"I need a horse!"
"We don't have any horses!"
"Of course you do, I saw several stables full of them!"
"Well Skittleman the Many Colored said that I'm not allowed to give you anything! So ha!"
"What if I give you something in exchange for a horse that you don't even want anymore?" Gandalf offered.
The king thought for a moment. "Empty your pockets. I want to see all of your belongings!"
Gandalf obeyed and pulled out everything that he had with him, which included his staff, the account of Isildur, an Elf Princess doll, an expired cookie, some Old Toby, a roll of toilet paper, a pink bra, and various other wizardly objects.
Theoden looked at it all, picking up each object and studying it. He flipped over the account of Isildur and saw "How Thranduil Got in Touch With His Feminine Side" on the back of it. "Interesting. I'll take this, and some of your Old Toby, and you can go take that vicious white horse that nobody likes!"
"Okay," wheezed Gandalf. He went outside and found the vicious white horse that nobody liked. The horse glared at him and tried to kick. "Hey horsey!" Gandalf called to it. "Let me ride you!"
The horse defiantly kept his distance. Gandalf tried again. "Let me ride you! I've got some Old Toby!" The horse pricked up his ears at the mention of Old Toby and allowed Gandalf to get on his back.
"Haha, I knew that would work!" Gandalf laughed. "I will name you Shadowfax! Which makes no sense because you are white, which is the opposite of shadows! Oh well!" He shrugged and rode off to Rivendell.
End of Flashback.
"And so that is how it all happened," Gandalf concluded. "So, what do you think of that, Frodo? Frodo!" He then saw that Frodo had become weary with Gandalf's talking and lay fast asleep once more. "That boy sure does sleep a lot." He shook Frodo awake.
"Huh? What happened!" Frodo cried.
"Calm down, Frodo, it's just me."
Frodo had relaxed and was now sitting up in bed. Suddenly, there was a loud, disruptive noise.
"MR. FRODOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Sam, running into the room at top speed. Frodo was too startled to speak. Sam, in his extreme excitement, grabbed Frodo's hand so hard that he yanked it off. "Uh... oops..."
"Sam!" yelled Frodo.
"Here, I'll fix it," said Gandalf. He took a bottle of glue out of his pocket and glued Frodo's hand back on.
"Wow, thanks Gandalf!"
"Ah, the power of superglue," Gandalf replied.
"Well, I think I should go outside now, for reasons that I am unsure of," Frodo decided.
"MR. FRODO ISN'T GOING NOWHERE WITHOUT MEEEEEE!" screamed Sam, rushing to Frodo's side.
"Sheesh, a little overprotective, aren't you?" Frodo said. Sam nodded with enthusiasm. The two Magical Hobs then went outside and found Merry and Pippin.
Merry held something in his hand. "Look, I have another apple! This one is named Bob II!" he announced excitedly.
"What ever happened to the first Bob?" Frodo said.
"I don't know."
"Neither do I," said Frodo. A sudden fit of exhaustion suddenly came over him and he fell asleep right there. Merry, Pippin, and Sam ran away.
Suddenly, Bilbo hobbled along, approached Frodo, and screamed in his ear, "CHEEEEEEEEESE!"
Frodo instantly woke up and looked wildly around him. "Cheese? Where!"
"No you fool!" screeched Bilbo, who had clearly gone out of his mind with age.
"Bilbo!" cried Frodo. "Your hair is all white now and you look rather like an old woman!"
Bilbo ignored Frodo's comment and happily greeted him. "Oh, by the way, I've completed writing my book. I've called it: Some Random Place That I Went To and Then I Went Home and Got Bored and Went to That Place Again."
"What a stupid title for a book."
"You hurt my feelings!" whined Bilbo. "Now my self-esteem is lowered and I'll get depressed and will have to go on Prozac!"
Frodo shrugged and scurried away. Bilbo fell asleep and drooled all over his book.