Chapter Eleven: The Very Odd Council

While Frodo was spending time with his friends, Rangerdude sat around brooding. Suddenly, someone snuck up behind him and yelled, "BOO!"

"AAAIII!" screamed Rangerdude. "Wait, that's Legolas' scream. I mean, AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!"

"Did I scare you?" Arwen asked.

"Of course you did! You made me scream like Legolas!" Legolas suddenly popped up, exclaimed, "I resent that, you know!" and disappeared.

"Why do I keep popping up randomly?" Arwen asked.

"I don't know," Rangerdude said.

"I love you so much that I'm going to give you a piece of feminine jewelry! And you have to wear it!" She forced something into his hand.

Rangerdude looked at it. "Arwen, this is just a piece of string that has an oddly shaped piece of tin foil strung on to it!"

"Yes! I made it when I was just a little elfling! It is called the Foilstar pendant! Now wear it, or else!"

"Fine then," he reluctantly put on the silly little piece of string. "Now let's make out!"

"I'm not kissing you until you wash yourself! You probably have fleas."

"But I'm a Ranger! I have to be dirty! And I don't have fleas!" He paused to scratch at a flea on his arm. "Well, maybe one of two fleas."

"Well then I'm certainly not kissing you!"

Rangerdude managed a few tears. "I can't properly bathe until I've become king of Gone-Door, alright? It's the rules, and I have to follow them!"

"Then you'd better become king soon!" Arwen snarled.

"Okay, I will! Now will you please kiss me? Just once?"

"Oh fine," she sighed.

After they had been kissing for about ten seconds, Pippin suddenly popped out of some bushes and laughed, "Haha! I've caught you!" He then ran off before Rangerdude could kill him.

Later that day, Gandalf came barging into Frodo's room. "Gandalf, get out! I'm in my underpants!" Frodo shrieked in embarrassment.

"Oops, sorry," Gandalf covered his eyes and ducked out of the room. A few minutes later, he heard Frodo say, "It's alright now! You can come in!"

Gandalf went back inside. "Frodo, Elrond demands that you attend his council."

"Okay, when do I go?"

Gandalf looked at the clock. "Holy Haldir! The council started five minutes ago!" He grabbed Frodo by the wrist and yanked him behind, until they at last reached the council.

Elrond got up from his chair and folded his arms in front of him. "You're late!"

"A wizard is never late, Elrond Halfelven, nor is he- I mean, yes I know. I'm sorry." Gandalf gave Frodo a shove forward. "I've got Frodo." He poked Frodo again and whispered, "Sit down!" Frodo obeyed, and found a seat. Gandalf sat beside him.

Elrond got back into his own chair. "Alright, now that the minor interruption has passed, we can begin with the council." He scowled at them all. "The One Tater is incredibly dangerous. Someone must dispose of it as fast as possible. Frodo, bring out the tater!"

Frodo skipped over to a little slab of rock, removed the tater from his pocket, and set it down for all to see. He waved to everyone in the council. "Hello! I am Frodo Baggins, and I am a Magical Hob! I like trees, and mushroom soup, and-"

"Frodo, sit down, you little fool!" Elrond yelled. Frodo whimpered and went back to his seat.

"All of you may now sit and stare at this menacing piece of food," Elrond said, gesturing at the tater that was sitting there harmlessly.

Gandalf stood up. "I would now like to terrify you all by reciting the poem that is linked to this tater!" He cleared his throat and said:

"Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider and sat down beside her
And frightened Miss Muffet away."

Thunder suddenly boomed overhead, lightning flashed, and the whole council became frightened out of their very wits.

Boromir hid underneath his chair. "I want my mommy!"

"Scary!" cried Legolas and Gimli, who then accidentally grabbed each other's hands in their fear.

The thunder and lightning ceased, and Gandalf took a bow and sat back down.

"Gandalf, that was the worst bit of poetry I've ever heard in my life," Elrond commented.

Boromir crawled out from under his chair. Gimli angrily yanked his hand out of Legolas' grasp.

"Of course it was terrible!" Gandalf said. "It doesn't have anything to do with the tater! I just wanted to recite it so that I could frighten you all!"

"We're supposed to be talking about the tater, not saying bad poetry!" Elrond scowled at the council. "Now let's discuss the tater."

"I think we should use the tater!" Boromir suggested. "We can give it to my mentally unstable father!" Crickets chirped in the background.

"That's just stupid!" Rangerdude declared.

"What do you know?" said Boromir. "You're just a Ranger who's never heard of soap and water."

Legolas suddenly stood up. "This is Rangerdude and he is a Ranger! Though no mere one! And my name is Legolas and I am an elf!" He smiled happily at the council.

"Get on with it, blondie," snapped Boromir.

"He is Aragorn son of Are-A-Thorn!" Legolas announced proudly. The council groaned.

"Well, of course I am! Who else would I be?" said Aragorn.

"Hey, it's not my fault that my only purpose here is to state everything that's obvious!" Legolas complained. "I should protest!"

"Well go protest somewhere else," Elrond said absently.

"Gone-Door doesn't need a stupid king," Boromir commented. "My father is perfectly sane."

Elrond snickered. "Oh, sure he is," he muttered sarcastically.

Meanwhile, in Minas Tirith, Denethor sat on his chair wearing a straight jacket, while one of his eyes twitched continuously. "KILL THE CARROTS! THE CARROTS ARE NOTHING BUT USURPERS!" He keeled over and fell onto the floor.

"Father, are you alright?" Faramir asked anxiously.

"Who the heck are you?"

"Never mind." Faramir walked away. "Why couldn't I have gone to that stupid council? Why? I'm stuck here with him!" He glanced back at Denethor, who was being tended to by some men in white coats.

Back in Rivendell, Elrond said, "Boromir, your father can't even remember who his own sons are! Do you really think he could use the power of the tater? Gandalf, what do you think about this?"

Gandalf, however, could not answer, as he was sprawled in his chair sleeping. Elrond smacked him. "Wake up, you gray fool!"

Gandalf jerked awake. "Hey, gray fool is Denethor's pet name for me! Wait, did I just say pet name? I meant to say nickname, I swear!"

Elrond sighed. "Come on, people, let's actually discuss the tater for a change! First of all, the tater must be destroyed in Mulchdor, in the fiery pits of Mount Explodey."

"Rargh!" Gimli suddenly sprang from his seat. He grabbed the tater and ripped it up into a bunch of little rectangular shapes. "There, problem solved. And I've made tater tots!"

"No, Gimli grandson of Groin!" yelled Elrond. "That's too easy! We have to do it the hard way!"

Gandalf waved his staff around and put the tater back together. Gimli went back to his seat and pouted.

"What a loser," Legolas muttered to the elf next to him. Gimli glared at Legolas. "Well at least I don't look like a girl!"

Legolas and all of the other elves gasped. "A girl!" Legolas cried. "If I was feminine, then how I would attract all of these fangirls?" He gestured at a group of simpering, drooling girls that were clustered in some nearby bushes.

"Well at least I don't have blonde hair!" Gimli yelled.

"At least I use deodorant!" the elf shot back. Gimli and the rest of the dwarves all stood up in anger and brought out their weapons.

"Say that right to my face!" threatened a particularly hostile looking dwarf. Legolas retreated behind a wall of elves. "Um, no, I'd rather not."

"Ha! That elf is a coward!" the dwarves taunted.

"Oh yeah?" Legolas emerged from behind his fellow elves and strung his bow. The other elves did the same thing, and all of the dwarves held up their axes.

Frodo suddenly stood up and looked at them all. "I WILL TAKE THE TATER TO MULCHDOR!"

The elves and dwarves all stared at the Magical Hob in slight confusion. "Frodo, that's not even what they were arguing about," Aragorn told him.

Frodo sat back down. "Oh." The elves and dwarves also took their seats and ceased their fighting.

Two seconds later, Frodo stood up again. "Now can I say it?" he whispered to Gandalf. The wizard nodded. Frodo cleared his throat and yelled, "I will take the tater to Mulchdor!"

Elrond shrugged. "Okay. Fine with me. But you're going to have to travel to Mulchdor and go to Mount Explodey, which will more than likely kill you."

"Okay," said Frodo. He thought for a moment. "You know what? Why doesn't somebody just eat the stupid tater?"

"You know, I never thought of that," Elrond said. "And it might actually work if it wasn't for the stupid digestive system!"

"What do you mean?" Frodo asked.

"You know, the last stage of digestion! When it comes out and turns into- Never mind."

"Oh, I get it!" Frodo cried. "You're right, eating the tater wouldn't work. Unless everybody stopped defecating."

"Frodo, you're disgusting!" Gandalf scolded. "To keep an eye on you, I'm also going on the journey. And also because I make a great walking map/encyclopedia!"

"Knowledge is the greatest weapon!" Aragorn agreed.

"Really?" asked Frodo.

"No way! My magnificent sword is the greatest weapon! And it will protect you because I'm coming too!"

Legolas made several loud gagging and choking sounds. "No! He's coming too? He might infect my ultimate cleanliness with his filth!"

"So?" said Aragorn.

"Well my looks and appearance are my chief concern!" the elf replied. "And I'm coming along too, despite the dirty Ranger!"

"What purpose could you possibly have?" Frodo asked.

"Well, I say obvious stuff a lot. You could use me for that, so that you don't have to point out the obvious things yourself. And I'm nice and clean at all times!"

Gimli growled angrily. "Now all those elves will think they're better, just because one of their kind is in the fellowship!" He strode over to the little group. "Which means I'm joining, whether anyone likes it or not!"

"I definitely don't like it," muttered Legolas.

Gimli heard him. "There's no respect for dwarves."

Boromir stood up. "I also wish to go, because my enormous shield will protect everyone from the rain! And also because Frodo just looks so squeezable and huggable!"

"Eek!" squealed Frodo. He quickly hid behind Gandalf.

Suddenly, a voice cried, "Mr. Frodo just gave a squeal of terror!" Sam popped out of a bush brandishing his sword. "Mr. FRODO, I'LL SAVE YOOOUUU!"

"Sam, I'm alright," Frodo said.

"Mr. Frodo's not going nowhere without me!"

"Fine, but you're carrying all the stuff," Gandalf said.

"What do you think I am, a pack mule?" Sam complained.

"Yes," said Frodo.

Merry suddenly popped out of nowhere. "You guys are purposely leaving me out! I see how it is!"

"Wow, however did you guess?" Elrond cried.

"Well, I want to- Hey, look! A chair!" He pointed at the chair. Elrond smacked him. "Oops, sorry. Anyway, I want to go too, because of my fierce attitude and ADD!"

Pippin suddenly walked in. "Oh, there you guys are! I've been looking for the council for half an hour! I got lost and then some elf gave me the wrong directions!"

"Pippin, you weren't even invited," Gandalf told him.

"That's okay, I invited myself! Can I join the fellowship?"

"No!" Elrond yelled. "No Magical Hobs!

"Well what about Frodo and Sam?" Merry asked.

"They're vital to the journey."

"Even Sam?"

Sam was carrying about ten bags on stuff on his back. "Oww..."

"Yeah," said Elrond. "Somebody has to carry the supplies. Go home, Hobs."

Gandalf was sick of all the pointless arguing and banged his stick on the ground. "Just shut up and let Merry and Pippin come!"

Pippin gasped. "He actually took my side! Today should be a national holiday!"

"Yeah yeah, don't get used to it," the wizard snarled.

"Well, um, you guys are now a fellowship of nine mentally disturbed people," Elrond announced. "I shall name thee the Fellowship of the Tater!"

Frodo raised his hand. "Does it have to be tater? Because I was thinking more along the lines of the Fellowship of the Frodo."

Gandalf nudged him. "Frodo, shut up."

Wow. This chapter was freakishly long. And such a long chapter most definitely deserves a review!