Chapter Thirteen: Nine Imbeciles Go South

After walking, walking, and walking some more, everyone soon got rather lazy and they had to stop and rest. "Sam, make the food!" Gandalf ordered.

"Why me?" Sam complained.

"Because you know how to cook!"

"Well what about Mr. Aragorn? He can cook, make him do it!"

"Sorry, I'm too busy sitting on my lazy butt smoking," was Aragorn's excuse.

"I'm not making any stupid breakfast," Sam growled.

"Sam, do you want me to starve?" Frodo whimpered pathetically, looking up at Sam with his tragic, starving, tear-filled eyes.

Sam could never resist Frodo's pathetic looks, no matter how hard he tried. "Oh fine." He got out his frying pans and other materials and was soon cooking breakfast.

Meanwhile, Boromir grinned and said, "Come on, Magical Hobs! Let's play with swords!"

Merry and Pippin stared at him. "Eew!"

"No, wait! I mean, I want to teach you to use your swords!"

The two Hobs looked revolted. "No!"

"No, what I mean is, let's swordfight!"

"Um, okay!" said Merry. "That's sounds safe and not weird or oddly suggesting in any way!" He grabbed his sword and joined Boromir. He looked back and saw that Pippin was left behind. "Pippin?"

"What?"

"Get over here!"

"Over where?"

Merry sighed, went over to Pippin, and gave him a shove in the back. "Over there!"

"You didn't need to push me," Pippin complained. He grabbed his sword. "Now what do I do?"

"Over here!" Boromir yelled. "You stupid Magical Hobs must be trained in sword fighting!"

"Why would I want to do that?" Pippin protested.

Boromir sounded frustrated. "Just get over here!" Merry and Pippin went over towards Boromir and the three of them attempted at sword fighting.

Merry was doing well for the first ten seconds, but suddenly became distracted by a series of smoke rings that were floating in a line. He instantly dropped his sword and ran off to follow the smoke rings.

"Okay, that Magical Hob really has mental issues," Boromir commented. He looked at Pippin. "Actually, they've both got mental issues."

Pippin, the little fool, was holding his sword by the blade. "This metal stuff is cutting into my hand! It really hurts and I'm bleeding!"

"You're holding it the wrong way!" Boromir shouted. "Hold it by the hilt!"

"Hey, where'd Merry go?"

"Are you listening? Hold it by the handle!" Boromir was getting impatient.

"I don't really feel like it," was Pippin's reply. Boromir then became so frustrated that he gave Pippin a good solid whack with his sword.

"Ow!" said the Magical Hob. "What was that for?" He pounced on Boromir and attempted to attack, which was amusing to Boromir.

Merry, meanwhile, was still following the trail of smoke rings. He at last came to the end of the trail and found Gimli smoking his pipe.

"What do you want?" Gimli growled.

Merry's Hob eyes widened. "So that's where smoke rings come from! I feel enlightened!"

Gimli looked annoyed and rather disturbed at the same time. "Yeah, so? Where else would they come from?"

"Well one time I asked Frodo and he wouldn't tell me! And so I asked him again! And then I asked him exactly two hundred and nineteen more times! And then he told me that smoke rings come from storks! But I knew he was lying, and now I've found the truth!"

Gimli looked even more annoyed and disturbed. "Magical Hobs are definitely odd creatures..."

"Well, I'm going to go off now and further educate myself," Merry announced. "Goodbye,- wait, what's your name again?"

"Shut up and-" the last part of Gimli's reply was quite naughty.

"Okay!" said Merry. "Goodbye, Shut Up And-"

"Meriadoc! Watch your language!" Gandalf scolded, as Merry repeated Gimli's naughty comment.

Suddenly, something very strange appeared in the sky. Legolas was the first to see it. "Haha! I saw it first and you all didn't! Hahaha!"

"Shut up, elf boy!" growled Gimli.

"Well I'm proud of being an elf boy!" Legolas sniffed. He looked at the mysterious shape in the sky again. "There is stuff in the sky!"

"Yes, Legolas!" said Gandalf loudly. "We all know that there is "stuff" in the sky! Like clouds, for instance!" He made an odd cough that sounded suspiciously like "blonde".

The odd-looking shape in the sky became larger as it drew near, and Legolas screamed in terror. "A flock of scary birds! They'll turd on me and ruin my flawless hair!" He dove behind a rock.

"Oh dearie me!" cried Gandalf. "Skittleman has sent these birds as spies! EVERYBODY HIDE!" He hid behind a rock, and Gimli, Aragorn, Boromir, Sam, Frodo, Merry, and Pippin copied him.

"I'm scared, Mr. Frodo!" cried Sam.

"Sam, I am not going to sympathetically hold you!"

Sam scooted away from Frodo. "What gave you that idea?"

The other Magical Hob shrugged. "I don't know. I just thought... Well, you've been giving me looks lately..." Sam made several gagging and retching noises, showing his disgust.

The birds soon flew away out of sight, and everyone came out of hiding. "I was so brave through all of that!" Legolas cried.

Gimli snickered. "You were the first one to hide!"

Legolas gave Gimli a rough shove in the back, which caused the dwarf to fall to the ground and tumble several feet.

"Well, I guess we should go over that highly dangerous and extremely lethal mountain pass now," Gandalf decided.

Everyone gathered up their things and traveled across the mountain pass of Carcass. "Why is this place called Carcass?" Frodo asked worriedly.

"Because everyone who travels through here ends up as dead carcasses," Boromir answered matter-of-factly. Frodo squealed with fright and hid behind Sam.

"Mr. Frodo, you know I'm not going to hold you," Sam said sternly.

Frodo jumped from behind his friend in alarm. "Sam! You know I'm not like that!" He was thoughtful for a moment. "You know, why do we keep getting these crazy ideas and accusing each other of these things?"

Sam shrugged. "I don't know, Mr. Frodo, but it's silly. I know you're not like that, and you know I'm not like that."

"Then let's stop this nonsense!"

"Good idea, Mr. Frodo!"

"From this moment forth, we will never again accuse each other of such outrageous things!"

"It's a deal, Mr. Frodo!" Sam clapped Frodo on the shoulder in a friendly manner. Frodo, alarmed, shrank away from his hand. "Eew, Sam! You actually touched me! I never knew you were like that!"

"Mr. Frodo! I thought we had an agreement!"

Boromir butted into their conversation. "Could you guys just be quiet for once?" The two Magical Hobs fell silent.

"Look everyone! Look at me! I can walk on top of snow!" Legolas announced haughtily. He suddenly tripped and fell. "Ouchies!"

"Let's all throw snow at the elf!" Gimli shouted. He made a gigantic snowball and hurled it at Legolas, who easily moved out of the snowball's way. "Ha! You forgot about my elvish reflexes!"

"Curse your elvish reflexes!" Gimli growled. He gathered up an even larger pile of snow. "This time you're going down, blondie!"

Frodo stood up on top of a snow-covered boulder. "I will take the tater to Mulchdor!" He looked at everyone expectantly.

Legolas and Gimli stared blankly back at him. "What was that for?" Gimli asked.

"Well, it worked last time!" Frodo said, pouting slightly. "Last time I said that, you guys stopped fighting." He jumped off of the boulder and walked beside Gandalf. "Gandalf, I'm cold."

"Well then that's your problem."

"But I'm freezing my little Hob buns off!"

Suddenly, a piercing scream of agony ripped through the air and echoed off of the mountains. Everyone covered their ears.

"What was that?" Gandalf demanded angrily.

The scream came again, and everyone looked and saw that it came from Legolas. The elf was jumping around wildly, shrieking his blonde head off. "Gi-Gi-Gimli put SNOW DOWN THE BACK OF MY SHIRT!" Gimli pointed and laughed.

Gandalf banged his staff down on a rock angrily. "Legolas! Stop screaming this instant! It could cause an avala- AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!"

Suddenly, a giant rush of snow came pouring down and completely buried everyone. Gandalf poked his head out of the snow. "I spoke too soon." He uncovered a whimpering, violently shivering Frodo.

"Thanks a lot, Gandalf," the Magical Hob muttered sarcastically. "You always speak too soon!"

"Well sorry!" wheezed the wizard.

The seven others all managed to get out of the snow, and the fellowship huddled together, unsure of what to do.

"Let's go to my city in Gone-Door!" Boromir suggested. "Or the Gap of Horseyland! It depends on who you would rather deal with, Sauron or Skittleman!"

"Boromir, that's a stupid idea!" Aragorn yelled.

"Well do you have a better one?"

"Well... no."

Gimli raised both his hands in the air. "Ooh, pick me! Pick me! I have an idea!"

Gandalf started to choke and gag, "Gimli, lower your arms!"

"Why?"

"JUST DO IT!"

The dwarf obeyed. "Well sorry. I didn't know my body odor was that bad. Anyway, I think that we should go into the Mines of Moron!"

"Gimli, that's a stupid idea!" Aragorn yelled.

"Have you got a better one?"

Aragorn hung his head. "No."

Gandalf sighed. "The Mines of Moron it is, then."

Be sure to kindly press the Review button on your way out!