Chapter Fourteen: The Mines of Moron
The fellowship made it through the pass of Carcass alive and well and soon arrived outside of the Mines of Moron. "Isn't it great?" Gimli cried excitedly.
"No," muttered Legolas.
Sam looked at the walls of Moron with awe. "There's an eye opener and no mistake!"
"The dwarves are so stupid that they make invisible doors!" Gimli announced.
"Haha! Stupid dwarves!" laughed Legolas. Gimli put his hand on his axe and growled. Legolas suddenly looked rather frightened. "Gimli, were you growling because you're angry or because you find me attractive?"
Gandalf went over to the invisible doors, which were now brightly lit with the moon's light. "Stupid doors! I can't get them to open! Hey, I have an idea..." he grabbed Pippin and bashed his head against the doors.
"Ow... I think I have a concussion..." moaned Pippin. He spun around in a circle and fell over.
Gandalf shrugged. "Well it was worth a try!"
"My cousin Balin and all the other dwarves will let us in!" Gimli announced. "Just wait and see!"
And so the fellowship camped out in front of the walls, and waited there an entire day and night. There was no sign of any dwarves.
"Don't worry!" said Gimli. "They'll come soon."
"Sam, your pony smells," Aragorn complained.
"I wouldn't talk, Mr. Strider. At least Bill bathes more than you do!" argued Sam.
"Well Bill has to leave, he's eating up all the food!"
"But what about the baggage Bill's carrying?" Sam asked. "Where will that go?"
"Oh, we'll just make you carry it."
"But I'm already carrying about five hundred pounds of stuff!"
"Well you'll just have to carry more!" Aragorn took Bill the pony's cargo and piled it all on Sam. "Eep!" Sam staggered forward a few feet and fell over in a heap.
"So long, suckers!" screamed Bill the pony. He threw off his saddle and rode far, far away.
The fellowship spent their second night outside of the mines. Morning arrived, and then late afternoon, and still no dwarves.
Gimli laughed. "Uh... they'll realize we're here eventually."
And so the fellowship waited five more days, and the dwarves still did not come.
"Relax everyone, they'll be here!" Gimli said.
Aragorn smacked him. "The dwarves are NOT coming, Gimli! What part of that do you not understand?"
Gandalf decided to take matters into his own hands, and made several pathetic attempts to open up the doors. Sadly, every single one of his attempts failed.
After trying for what seemed like the five hundredth time, the wizard started to throw a major fit. "I CAN'T OPEN THE STUPID FREAKIN' DOORS!"
"Here, let me help you," said a voice. The Watcher in the Water slid out of the water, broke down the doors, and disappeared.
Sam stared at the heap of broken rubble and stone that had once been part of the walls. "There's an eye opener and no mistake!"
"Wow," wheezed Gandalf. "Now that was weird." He went into the mines and was followed by his eight reluctant companions.
Gimli was highly excited. "This place is the best! They've got roaring fires!"
"Ooh..." oohed Legolas.
"Other stuff!"
"Ahh..." ahhed Legolas.
"Malt beer!"
Legolas' elven ears perked up. "Malt beer, did you say?"
"Yep." Gimli looked surprised. "Legolas, I never knew you liked beer."
The elf began to blush. "Actually, I've never tasted it. But its mysteriousness greatly intrigues me!"
"Legolas, you're a moron," Gimli commented. "Now where was I?"
"You were listing all of the wonderful things that the dwarves have to offer."
"Oh yeah. Anyway, they've got the fire, and the beer, and red meat off the bone!"
"Eew!" squealed Legolas.
Gimli looked confused. "What? That's what we eat."
"Well it's disgusting," said Legolas. "Red meat is bad for you!"
"Well we dwarves don't think it is! Now I wonder where we can find Balin..."
"Hey Gimli!" yelled Boromir. "What's with all the dead dwarves laying around?"
Gimli looked wildly around him and saw that the mines were littered with piles of dwarf corpses. "NOOOOOOOOO! Now I'll never feel the warmth of a roaring fire!"
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Legolas. "Now I'll never get to taste beer!" Everyone looked at Legolas oddly. The elf shrugged and ignored them.
"Well at least that explains why we were left outside for a week," Gandalf commented. "Well, we'd better keep going." He carefully stepped over the dwarf carcasses and led the others up several flights of stairs.
"When I climb these stairs I look oddly like Thingum!" said Frodo.
"There's an eye opener and no mistake!" gasped Sam.
As they completed the last flight of stairs, Gandalf suddenly stopped walking and got a confused look on his face. "For some reason, I have suddenly become hopelessly and irrationally lost!"
"You idiotic old man!" yelled Aragorn.
"Well I have temporary memory loss! It's not my fault!" Gandalf sat down on a rock. "The only thing left to do is... sit around and do nothing!"
The others shrugged and sat down. "Sounds like a plan!"
Suddenly, a hideous voice began to sing, "Tom Bomb-to-kill is so JUICY SWEEEEET! Our only wish, to catch a Tom, so JUICY SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!"
Frodo put his hands over his ears. "What in the world is making those awful sounds?"
"Oh that's just Thingum," wheezed Gandalf. "He's been following us for days, singing that stupid song of his that doesn't even rhyme."
"So juicy sweeeeeeeeet...!" sang Thingum's voice.
"Oh shaddup!" yelled Frodo. He picked up a rock and flung it at Thingum. The rock bounced off and hit Gandalf in the head.
The wizard rubbed his aching head and exclaimed, "Hey, I'm remembering things again! That hit on the head must have regenerated my memory!"
He led the fellowship through some halls, stairs, pits, and some more halls, until they ended up in a big area that was filled with an unpleasant odor.
"It's beautiful!" cried Gimli.
"It smells," said Aragorn.
"I can fix that!" said Legolas. He took a can of flowery scented air freshener out of his pocket and sprayed it all over the place.
Aragorn took a whiff of the air. "Eew, that spray stuff smells really weird!"
"Well so do you!" said Legolas. He sprayed Aragorn with the air freshener.
"AAAARRRGGGHHH!" screamed Aragorn. "The terrible aroma of... CLEANLINESS!" He fell to the ground and started writhing around, trying to get the scent off of him.
"There's an eye opener and no mistake," commented Sam.
Boromir kicked Aragorn in the ribs. "Get up, you moron."
Aragorn got to his feet and the fellowship continued walking until they stumbled into a large room that had a tomb right in the middle of the floor.
Gandalf looked at the tomb. "Hmm... it says: Here lieth Balin son of Fundin, dead of food poisoning."
"Ha, I told you that red meat off the bone is bad!" said Legolas. "It killed that Balin guy!" Gimli chose to ignore him.
"Well, now I'm going to bore you all to death by reading this incredibly stupid dwarf book!" wheezed Gandalf. He grabbed the book and in doing so, half the pages fell out of it.
"Hey! You break it, you buy it!" said the voice of a Spork.
"Whatever," Gandalf wheezed. He opened up the book and droned on and on and on, until nearly every member of the fellowship had fallen asleep.
Pippin luckily had a rather short attention span, and was unaffected by Gandalf's droning. He looked around at the others, who were all sprawled on the ground sleeping. "It is up to me to break the boredom!" he announced. He spotted a skeleton and threw it down a well.
Suddenly, there was a series of noises that were loud enough to wake a dwarf in a heavily drunken stupor. The fellowship immediately jumped awake, and Gandalf dropped the dwarf book.
"There's an eye opener and no mistake!" yelled Sam, jumping up and down.
"Sam, you really need to stop saying that!" said Frodo. "And what are you so excited about?"
"Well, Mr. Frodo, your butter knife's glowing."
Frodo looked down at his pathetic plastic knife, saw that it was glowing a bright blue, and shrugged. "So?"
Suddenly, the grunts and snarls of many Sporks could be heard. Gandalf sighed. "Why does this always have to happen?"