Chapter Fifteen: The Bridge Of Khazad-Dumb

A horde of armed Sporks burst into the room, followed by a rather dimwitted cave troll. The Sporks and the fellowship engaged in an incredibly violent battle, and the troll just stood around.

Frodo ran around in a circle. "Gandalf? Gandalf?"

The troll spotted Frodo and thought that he looked as cuddly and squeezable as a small stuffed animal. He reached over and grabbed the Magical Hob.

"AAAAGGGHHH!" screamed Frodo. "HELP ME!"

"I'll save you!" cried Aragorn. He began to run towards the troll, and suddenly tripped and fell. "Um, re-do!" he got back on his feet. "I'll save you!" He ran towards the troll and snatched Frodo. The troll burst into tears.

"Yippee!" cried Frodo. He then noticed a terrible smell and realized that it came from Aragorn. He quickly sprang out of his grasp and stepped back several paces. "What a filthy Ranger."

"This is no mere Ranger!" Legolas yelled. "He is-"

"Yeah, yeah, shut up!" everyone yelled.

"You're just jealous because I'm the prettiest and I know everything!" sniffed Legolas.

The troll was hurt and angry. The cuddly little plush toy had been stolen from his clutches. He wanted the adorable little creature back.

He looked around the room and soon spotted Frodo. He hurried over to the Magical Hob as fast as he could and yelled out a series of grunting sounds that in troll language meant, "I want to be your best friend forever."

Frodo did not understand troll language and was terrified out of his wits.

The troll picked up a spear and waved it in the air, frightening Frodo even more. He made some more grunting noises, which translated into, "We can play my favorite spear game!"

Frodo fell down in a horrified heap. "Get away from me!"

Aragorn once again decided to play the hero. He just loved impressing people and making himself look good. He put on a burst of speed and tackled the troll from behind. The troll fell forward, his spear embedding itself in Frodo.

Frodo wriggled out from under the troll. "Hey, my ladies lingerie saved my life!"

"Lingerie? Why the heck are you wearing that stuff?" Gimli asked. "Wait, never mind. I don't want to know."

Pippin decided that he could be more of a hero than that stuck-up Aragorn. And jumping on trolls sounded like a fun game. He leaped onto the troll's back. The troll did not notice a thing.

"Um... a little help here?" said Pippin. He had become incredibly confused.

"I'll help!" screamed Merry. He jumped onto the troll. "FOR BOB THE APPLE!"

"I thought this was all supposed to be for Frodo!" wheezed Gandalf.

Merry shrugged. "Um... whatever. Bob's important too!"

"No he's not!" Gandalf yelled.

"Yes he is! He's more important than Frodo! Frodo doesn't do anything!"

"Neither does Bob! He's just a stupid apple!"

"Just a stupid apple?" Merry was insulted now. "I'll show you, old man!" He took Bob the apple out of his pocket and hurled it at the troll that he stood on.

The troll started to cry. "Nobody likes me!" He grabbed Merry and Pippin and threw them across the room.

Pippin immediately sprang to his feet. "Let's do that again!"

Merry, however, was in a state of distress. "Where'd Bob go?"

"Who's Bob?" Sam asked.

"Who are you?" Merry asked. Sam walked away.

Legolas was also in a distressed mood. "Eew! This room is surrounding me with its terrible odor! Hey, I have an idea!" The elf took out his trusty can of air freshener and sprayed it around the room.

The troll happened to be allergic to air freshener. He had a series of severe allergic reactions, and then fell over dead.

"Um... heh heh," laughed Legolas.

"Show-off," everyone muttered.

"Come on, you guys! We have to get out of here!" yelled Gandalf.

"But I haven't found Bob yet!" Merry argued.

"NOBODY CARES ABOUT STUPID BOB! NOW COME ON!"

Everyone quickly rushed out of the room and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran until they had to pause for breath. Five and a half seconds later, they began running some more.

Suddenly, an awful, terrifying, menacing sound could be heard from a distance. "EH-OH!"

Boromir started to shake with fear. "What in the world was that?"

Gandalf's voice was filled with utmost dread. "A Teletubby," he whispered.

"No!" gasped Aragorn. "It can't be!"

"It is," wheezed Gandalf. "We must get across the Bridge of Khazad-Dumb as soon as possible! Follow me!" And so everybody ran for dear life, until they came across a bridge. As soon as they set foot on it, the bridge began to break apart.

"Sam, this is your fault!" said Aragorn.

"Hey, I'm not that heavy!" cried the offended Sam.

"Well then it's Gimli's fault!" Legolas suggested.

"Oh yeah, everybody go and blame the dwarf," Gimli sighed.

"Oh, quit arguing, you guys," said Gandalf. "I know deep down, you really love each other."

"Eek!" cried Legolas and Gimli in alarm. They quickly sprang several feet away from each other.

While all of this was happening, the evil Teletubby was advancing closer. "Eh-oh! Want tubby custard! Again again! Again again!"

"AAARRRGGHH!" Gandalf screamed in distress. "Quick! Jump across the broken parts of the bridge!"

"Ooh, me first! Me first!" cried Legolas. He made a perfect, flawless jump and made it safely across with a perfect landing.

"Show-off!" wheezed Gandalf. He successfully jumped across. "Ha! I'm as good as you are!"

Boromir grabbed Merry and Pippin, about to jump across. Merry tried to wriggle out of his grasp. "I can't leave Bob the apple behind! He's back there somewhere, alone and in danger!"

"Forget the stupid apple!" snarled Boromir. He and the two Magical Hobs made it safely across.

Aragorn made an attempt to pick up Sam, but it proved to be a bit of a challenge. "Ow! My arms! My aching arms!" Somehow, he at last managed to find enough strength, and he hurled Sam to the other side. "What a drama-queen," Sam muttered.

Gimli jumped, made it across, and stumbled towards the edge. Dwarves were notoriously clumsy. Legolas decided to actually be helpful for once in his life and grabbed Gimli by the beard.

Gimli made it to safety and yelled, "Hey, don't do that!"

"Do what?" asked the elf.

"Grab me by the beard!"

"Why not?"

"Go ahead and look."

Legolas then saw that he was holding Gimli's beard in his hand. "Um, oops." Gimli snatched back his beard, licked it, and stuck it back on his face.

Aragorn and Frodo were still on the other side of the bridge. After about twenty-four minutes and seventy-one seconds, they finally made it across.

"Okay everyone!" yelled Gandalf. "Now it is time to run around like chickens on hyper pills!" And they ran for their very lives, until they got to another bridge. The dreaded Teletubby was close behind. Everyone made it across the bridge except Gandalf.

"Save yourselves!" Gandalf wheezed. "Spare yourselves from the sight of this hideous monster!"

The Teletubby waddled towards Gandalf. It wielded a red scooter in one hand, and a red purse in the other. "Scooter! Scooter! Bag! Bag!"

"Back away, you fiend!" cried Gandalf. "You'll never corrupt me!" He blasted some light out of his staff and it hit the Teletubby in the face.

The horrible creature seemed delighted, however. "Ooooooh! Again again!"

Just when Gandalf was about to give up hope, a miracle happened. Suddenly, a disembodied voice shouted out, "Time for Tubby bye-bye! Time for Tubby bye-bye!"

The Teletubby appeared upset. "Aww!" It then giggled, shouted, "Buh-bye!" and jumped down into the gigantic chasm.

"Well, no sad loss there," wheezed Gandalf. He turned around, and the movement of his body caused a coin to fall out of the pocket of his robes and into the chasm.

"NO!" cried Gandalf in despair. "MY SHINY!" He jumped over the edge and dove down into the chasm. "Oh fudge! What did I do? AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!"

"What an idiot," said Boromir.

"Mr. Boromir!" cried Sam in shock. "How dare you say such a thing!"

Suddenly, Frodo let out a long, loud scream. In fact, the scream was so long that lasted exactly thirty-three minutes and fourteen seconds.

"Holy cabbages, Mr. Frodo!" cried Sam. "You can really hold a note!"