Lord of the Taters Chapter 16: Ooooh Pretty, a lord of the rings fanfic

Chapter Sixteen: Ooooh Pretty

After the loss of Gandalf, the fellowship managed to make it out of the mines without being harmed or bothered, as Legolas continued to make good use of his air freshener.

Everybody stumbled out of the mines and ended up outside, where they collapsed and cried enough tears to flush Skittleman out of his tree-house.

Aragorn and Legolas were the only ones who were not affected. Aragorn was unaffected simply because he was arrogant and insensitive, and Legolas was untouched because crying would redden his gorgeous eyes and make streaks on his face.

Aragorn was getting impatient with everyone sitting around, and so he yelled, "Hey Legolas! Help everyone get up!" Legolas, however, was too busy dancing around singing to himself in Elvish, and did not hear Aragorn.

"Elves," the Ranger muttered. He decided that he would be the one to help everyone up, and so he grabbed Sam by the arms and attempted to pull him up. "AAARRRGGHH! MY BACK! I THREW OUT MY BACK!"

"I'm not THAT heavy!" Sam snapped irritably.

"That's what you always say!" muttered Aragorn, rubbing his sore back and arm muscles. "Forget helping people! There's nothing but pain involved! Now where'd Frodo get off to?"

Frodo suddenly popped out of a bush and waved at Aragorn. "I'm right here!"

"Well what are you doing?"

"I'm making water!" the Magical Hob replied cheerfully.

"Frodo, I didn't need to know that! Now hurry up and get over here! We're leaving!"

Five minutes later, Frodo scurried out of the bush and everybody left the area. They traveled on and on into a rather creepy and menacing looking forest.

"Who wants me to sing about a pretty river?" Legolas asked excitedly. There was silence. "You guys are no fun! And I'm going to sing anyway!"

The elf opened his mouth, but before he could begin his song about the river, another voice came out of nowhere.

"Nimrodel is nice and swell, so juicy sweeeeeeeeeeet!"

"Hey! I'm supposed to sing about the Nimrodel river!" Legolas yelled angrily.

"That voice sounded horribly familiar," Frodo commented.

"That's because it was Thingum, Mr. Frodo," Sam informed him. "He's been following us again! I've been smelling his awful scent for days!"

"How do you know that wasn't Aragorn you've been smelling?"

"Trust me, Mr. Frodo. Aragorn and Thingum have very different smells."

"Whatever you say, Sam."

As the fellowship advanced farther into the forest, things became more and more menacing. Gimli started to laugh. "Stupid forest! It doesn't scare me!" Suddenly, an arrow came out of nowhere and poked the dwarf in the buttocks. Gimli shrieked aloud like a little girl and hid behind Legolas.

There was a burst of laughter, and everyone turned around and saw a group of elves. "Hi there! I'm Haldir!" said Haldir. "Welcome to the Land of Ooooh Pretty!"

"Ooooh, pretty!" gasped Frodo, as he looked around at the forest.

"Yes," said Haldir. "The Land of Ooooh Pretty, home of the amazing transgender elves!"

"Oh my gosh, he's right!" cried Boromir. "Is that one elf male or female? And what about that one? Or that other one? I'm so confused!"

"We will not harm you," Haldir said. He pointed at two other elves. "These are my sisters- er, I mean my brothers, Rumil and Orophin."

"And I thought that dwarves had gender identity issues," muttered Gimli.

"We have to take you to our leaders," Haldir said. "And the dwarf has to be blindfolded."

Gimli was outraged. "What?"

Haldir shrugged. "It's the rules. You have to be blindfolded so you don't steal our beauty secrets." He took a hot pink blindfold out of his pocket and tied it around Gimli's eyes. "And now we get to laugh at you every time you stumble and trip!"

After the Mines of Moron, Legolas had suddenly become rather attached to Gimli, and gladly offered him his sympathy. "I'm sorry you have to go through with this, Gimli." He put a sympathetic hand on the dwarf's shoulder. "Don't worry. At least take some comfort in knowing that I won't laugh too loudly if you trip and fall!"

And so Haldir and his brothers led the fellowship through the Land of Ooooh Pretty. By the time they reached Celeborn and Galadriel, Gimli had tripped a total of fifty-two times, and had fallen exactly seventeen times.

They arrived at their destination, and Haldir ripped the hot pink blindfold off of Gimli's eyes. Celeborn and Galadriel, who wore the latest styles in shiny fashion, approached the fellowship.

"Hey, where's Gandalf?" Celeborn asked. "I wanted to consult him on what to do about my lousy hairdresser!"

Legolas stepped forward. "Oh, that old fart's dead! But I know what you can do! You can replace your lousy hairdresser with... me!" He flipped his hair for emphasis.

Unfortunately, Boromir was standing directly behind him and the elf's hair hit him full in the face. "AAH! My eye!"

Galadriel, meanwhile, was busy talking in people's heads. "Hey Boromir!"

Boromir was extremely confused and looked wildly around him. "Huh? Who said that?"

"The same voices that made your father the mental case that he is!"

"NOOOOO!" cried Boromir in distress. "I'm hearing the voices! Now I'll go crazy just like father!" he burst into tears and ran out of sight.

Galadriel tried not to laugh. "Hello, Samwise! Those pants make you look fat!"

Sam looked upset. "Do they really?" Poor Sam.

Legolas shushed him. "Quiet, Sam! I'm busy discussing hairdressing!" he then went back to being deep in discussion with Celeborn.

Galadriel turned her attentions to Frodo. "Welcome, Frodo of the Pretty Green Secluded Area. Sam has had a secret crush on you for several years."

Frodo's eyes filled with tears. "And all this time, I thought he was never like that! WHY?"

"Hahaha! I was joking, Frodo. Actually, Sam has had a secret crush on Rosie Cotton for several years."

Frodo looked at Sam and smirked. "Oh really? Finally I've got some information I could use against him, if the occasion ever called for that."

"That isn't nice, Frodo. I'm not talking to you anymore." She got out of Frodo's mind, looked around for her next target, and got a brilliant idea when her eyes landed on a certain someone. This would be the ultimate joke.

She entered Gimli's mind and drawled, "Hey, sexy!"

Gimli was suddenly alert. "Who said that? Was that Galadriel?"

"Large, hairy beards are really a turn-on, you know."

The dwarf's eyes filled with happy tears. "Someone out there finds me attractive!" He got down on his knees in front of Galadriel and looked up at her adoringly. "So, um, do you want to meet me behind that giant tree at midnight?"

Galadriel looked down at him in disgust. "Silence, dwarf. Go crawl in a hole and die."

Gimli began to sob. "She doesn't like me after all!"

Galadriel soon grew bored with mind-speaking, and she dismissed the fellowship. "You're all free to go now! You can sleep in a giant hollowed-out tree that's infested with families of rabid rodents!"