Chapter Eighteen: Cheap Gifts

The next day, the fellowship decided that they had stayed long enough, and decided to leave the Land of Ooooh Pretty.

"Your decision is wise!" Haldir told them. "Because we absolutely hate visitors!"

"You can say that again," said Gimli, remembering the hot pink blindfold.

"Before you guys leave, we have to give away a bunch of useless gifts," Celeborn announced. "Some of these gifts are actually crappy birthday presents that we've been dying to get rid of."

"Well that's nice," said Aragorn sarcastically.

Celeborn held out several objects that appeared to somewhat resemble articles of clothing. "Take these lousy cloaks that we stole from some hobos."

Everyone reluctantly accepted a 'cloak'. "Er... thanks."

"These cloaks are so ugly that no one can stand to look at them. Therefore, nobody will be able to see you," Celeborn explained. "And you may also take these cheap, bad-quality boats with the peeling paint and broken oars."

Galadriel popped up out of nowhere. "And now for my gifts! Here, you insult to all elven beings! Take this bow!" She handed the weapon to Legolas.

"Ooh, it's pretty!" gasped Legolas. For the next five minutes or so, he then attempted to arrange it into his hair.

Galadriel sighed. "Legolas, it's not that kind of bow! It's a weapon, not a hair ornament!"

Legolas took the bow off of his head. "Oh."

"What a blonde," Galadriel muttered under her breath.

"Can I leave now?" Legolas asked.

"No. First I must warn you of something. Legolas, BEWARE OF THE SEEEEEAAAAAAA! BEWARE!"

"Why?"

Galadriel shrugged. "I dunno. You could drown. Or maybe you're allergic to salt. Or maybe your eyes will get pecked out by seagulls. Use your imagination."

Legolas walked away looking frightened out of his wits. Merry and Pippin then approached Galadriel to receive their gifts.

"Here you go, Magical Hobs! Take these daggers! Which is pretty pointless, since you're just going to lose them anyway!" She handed them the daggers. "And, uh, make sure you don't accidentally stab yourselves with them."

Merry's dagger was dangerously close to Pippin's arm, and he quickly withdrew it.

"Or accidentally stab each other," Galadriel added. "Oh, by the way. Pippin, watch out for unexpected bravery. I don't know why, but just do it."

Pippin was a little disturbed. "What the heck?"

The elf shrugged. "I don't know. Now be off with you!" Merry and Pippin were soon replaced with Sam, who was acting humble as usual.

"Um... um... um..."

"Spit it out already!"

"Um, Mrs. Galadriel, c-can I have a nice sh-shiny dagger? Pleeeaaase?"

"No. And don't call me Mrs. Galadriel."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"NO!"

"Well then what do I get?" Sam asked.

"Here, you can have this Box O' Dirt, and this cheap defective rope that's probably been rotting in someone's garbage heap for an age and a half."

Sam happily took his gifts. "It's all so beautiful!"

The next person to receive a gift was Gimli. He gazed up at her with adoring, love-struck eyes. Galadriel tried her hardest to ignore the look on his face. "What do you want, you dwarf?"

"Will you marry me?"

"No! Are you crazy?"

"Yes!" Gimli cried. "Crazy with love!"

"Just hurry up and tell me what you want. I couldn't think of a gift for you, so you're going to have to pick what it is."

Gimli thought hard. "Can I have three hairs from your head?"

"Um, sure. I'll, uh, be right back!" Galadriel ran off, snuck up behind Legolas, and yanked three hairs out of his head. Before anyone noticed what had happened, she quickly ran back to Gimli.

"My head aches really bad," Legolas moaned. "I wonder what happened..."

"Here, Gimli," said Galadriel, tossing the hairs at him. The dwarf hugged the three hairs affectionately. "I'll treasure them always!"

"Yes, now go away."

"Are you sure you won't marry me?"

"Yes! Now go!" Gimli shuffled away, leaving Aragorn next in line. Galadriel held her nose, not wanting to breathe in his terrible odor. "Aragorn, you can't marry my granddaughter. I don't her associating with someone who smells like a cattle rancher!"

"I can too marry her!" Aragorn protested. "But first I have to bathe. And I can't bathe until I become king. Which means I can't marry her just yet because I'm not allowed to bathe yet."

"Well hurry up and become king as soon as possible. Everyone's tired of smelling you."

"Alright, alright. Can I have a gift?"

"No."

Aragorn looked upset. "No? But why?"

"Oh fine." Galadriel disappeared for a few moments and returned carrying a flea collar. She thrust it at him. "You could definitely use this."

"Hey!" cried Aragorn, insulted.

"Take it or leave it!"

Aragorn grabbed the flea collar, put it around his neck, and walked off grumbling to himself. Two minutes later, Frodo popped out of a bush. "Can I have my gift?"

"Yes, Frodo. Here, this is the Magic Knickknack." She handed him a piece of unidentifiable blue material that was an equally unidentifiable shape.

Frodo stared at the ugly object. "What does it do?"

"The Magical Knickknack can do lots of things." She was unable to think up any examples.

"Like what?" Frodo asked.

"Um... it helps prevent heart disease in young squirrels! And it is a full serving of the five food groups. And, uh, it lights up whenever you're afraid of the dark."

"Er, okay. Sounds interesting." The Magical Hob's words did not match his bored tone. "I'll be leaving now." He walked away.

"Well, I'm glad that's over and done with," Galadriel said to herself. She turned around and started to walk away. Suddenly, Boromir came running after her, yelling, "HEY! WHAT ABOUT ME?"

"Was someone talking?" Galadriel said. She paused to listen for a moment and then continued walking. "I guess I was imagining things."

"You forgot to give me a gift!" cried Boromir in distress.

"Darn those imaginary voices!" said Galadriel. She disappeared from sight.

Boromir sank to his knees and began to cry and sob loudly. "I'm so unloved!"

"Be quiet, you whiner," said Aragorn. He grabbed Boromir by the arms and hauled him into one of the boats.

"I love lembas bread!" Legolas announced. He started to dance around tossing lembas in the air. "Who wants me to sing a lembas bread song?"

"Get in your boat, elfie!" Aragorn snarled.

Legolas crawled into his boat, but began singing a lembas bread song under his breath until Gimli shushed him. Once everyone was in their boats, the fellowship set off down the river.