Disclaimer: Nope not mine.

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Chapter 61 – Beginning to heal

I think there's something in you Potters that just sub-consciously drives you to make others happy. Or the Evans genes but either way your parents were there for me Harry. In a time when I was in my greatest pain your parents were there. Peter had grown uncomfortable with the situation and we just assumed he was spending less time with us because of that. A fatal mistake of ours I must say.

I refused Sirius time; I didn't want to speak to him because like I told him, I didn't want to hate him. He had betrayed me, hurt me and the worst part for me was that I couldn't hate him despite the fact I knew I should. He deserved nothing from me and yet I couldn't help loving him.

This is really where the difference between you and your Godfather lies Harry. You've been raised in an abusive family, hunted by a deranged wizard for years and endured attack after attack. You've learnt tact, caution; you can control your temper to the point where you won't say anything to revealing. Sirius couldn't do it, never could. Although you do make it obvious when something vital is being kept hidden because you go tight-lipped and don't talk.

Course I can give you an example Harry. Think back to your fourth year, Severus had moved you to the front of the room and he threatened you with Vertasium, do you remember?

Yes, me and Severus get along, we…no Harry, we just…Harry honestly it's…Harry stop talking…Harry…Harry…oh for Merlin's sake, Cara could you give me a hand.

…

Ahem well that was…very inventive Cara.

Suppose it did shut him up.

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(1977)

Remus carefully dipped the nib of his quill into his inkpot, shaking it gently of any excess ink before bringing it back to his parchment with Professor Binns voice washing over him. Glancing quickly around he let himself have a small smile at the sagging, tired looking students fighting to break out of Binns spell but none could withstand his droning voice for long. Lily already had her head resting on her folded arms, James mimicking her and they were facing each other with small smiles as they whispered to one another.

He felt a pang in his heart at the way the two looked at one another and silently continued watching them as Lily casually placed a hand on top of James's, thumbs rubbing against the backs of hands as they giggled quietly. Lily was sat two seats down from him but on the other side of James was Sirius and with a nervous jolt Remus realised Sirius was watching the couple too.

Maybe it was the unbearable pain in those sapphire eyes that chipped a little at his temper. Or possible the thoroughly down trodden look to his lips that had been there for weeks but either way Remus could feel something uncoil in his chest.

Sirius hurt as much as he did. Ok, well maybe not as much but he was hurting none the less.

Just then Sirius glanced up and their eyes met, locked. Remus knew he was gripping his quill so tightly that his hand was visibly shaking but he didn't care. This was the first time he'd allowed himself to look his lo…ex-lover in the eye for weeks. Sirius almost seemed startled and yet so desperate for Remus's attention that he didn't even bother hiding his raw pain and need.

Remus decided then that it was time to talk.

Turning back to his parchment, trying not to linger on the way that Sirius returned his gaze to the table wincing as though he'd been shot, Remus then scribbled a hasty note on the corner of the parchment and slowly teared the paper as though not to make a sound. He folded it twice and reaching over the girl sat beside him, he nudged Lily's arm and passed her the note. Discreetly he nodded towards Sirius before looking back to the front of the class.

Looking thoroughly confused Lily leaned over and nudged Sirius. When the boy looked up she passed him the note. He frowned and cautiously took the note before opening it. His heart thudded painfully when he saw the handwriting of the person he loved the most.

"We need to talk, tonight."

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Remus paced the room beside his bed, wringing his hands together as he wordlessly lip-synched the feelings he wanted to convey to Sirius.

He sat on his bed and just as he did so he heard the talking and laughter of down stairs get louder as the door opened and then it was muted again when it clicked shut behind Sirius. He stood once more and stared quietly at the silent boy standing beside the door looking lost considering it was his own dormitory as well.

"Hi." Sirius said timidly and Remus nodded curtly.

"Hi." He wanted to quick himself for the shaky quality.

Both glanced around the room unsure of what to say. Everything Remus had planned to say went out of his head and he was left as nothing but a terrified boy once more faced with something he was unused to.

"Thank you…for um, letting me speak to you." Sirius said after a while and Remus nodded again.

"I couldn't just leave it, er, as it was."

Sirius let out one nervous airy chuckle. Twiddling with his jumper Remus quickly gestured towards the opposing bed to his own as he sat down. Sirius walked over and sat on the edge of the other bed so that they were now facing one another.

Silence descended again. Remus could hear footsteps coming towards the room but they were haltered immediately and he was pretty sure he heard Lily say something. Both boys listened to a stranger's voice, probably another student before they heard Lily start getting peeved and then they heard the distinct sound of someone being dragged away from their door by the ear. Both Sirius and Remus smiled slightly.

"Good ol' Lily." Sirius said and Remus smiled slightly before turning somber again. The silence was even heavier.

"It hurt." Remus said eventually and Sirius looked up. Determined to do this right Remus met him eye to eye.

"It hurt more than the wolf tearing me apart. I always thought if one person would never hurt me, or betray me it would be you but…"

"But I did." Sirius said quietly and his hair curtained his face.

"Yes." Remus whispered and looked at his hands in his lap. "Snape now knows what I am, hates me for it and hates James even more because now he's in a wizard's debt. Peter is uncomfortable and has kept away from most of us and…it all hurt. Thing is, I usually…I usually got to you when I hurt but now you weren't there."

Sirius's face remained hidden as he nodded towards the floor.

"But…Sirius, I need you like I need air. But after everything you've ever done for me, become Animagi, help me with my father, Love me…you do this. I want to forgive you," He could feel his eyes watering and he looked up to the ceiling as his voice cracked, "so much."

"It hurts, so much everyday when I see you and all I want to do his touch your hand or smile at you but it tore me up inside because you did something to me that I thought would never happen." His voice was chocked up now, thick with emotion and he didn't even bother stopping the tears gathering in the corner of his eyes. "I want to be with you, I love you but I can't trust you. Do you even know how that feels Sirius?"

Sirius shook his head, his shoulders shaking.

"You've helped me so much with everything. You were my rock when my father fell ill. Please…"

He looked back to his lap, a sob breaking free of him and he watched his trembling fists. He jumped when a pair of hands rested on top of them. Looking up he was met with Sirius's face staring up at him solemnly. His eyes were shining, some tracks down his cheeks tarring the tanned skin but he was so indescribably beautiful and it ached even harder.

"I am so sorry Remus! Please, I want to make it up to you and I'll spend my life doing so if I have to. I'll cut off my arm if that's what you want, give up magic, go to Azkaban, please how do I prove myself to you?"

"I don't know." Remus said shakily and giving up he fell to his knees and wrapped his arms around Sirius, both openly crying now and they remained there for hours, simply being.

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Sirius reached behind him to pick up the alarm clock on the bedside table and glanced out the window too before rolling forwards again to look at Remus lying on his side. They were facing one another on the bed, still fully clothed and were only touching by a pair of joined hands.

"It's dinnertime." Sirius said quietly.

"I wondered why'd it gone quiet downstairs." Remus said agreeing.

"Don't you want to get some?"

Sighing Remus shook his head as he closed his eyes.

"Don't think I have the energy to walk all the way down there and answer Lily's questions."

"Good point." Sirius said and nestled back into his pillow. They watched each other quietly until Sirius sighed.

"Where do we stand now then?" He asked and Remus shook his head.

"I don't know, it's a difficult situation."

"I love you, you know that right?"

Remus nodded and allowed himself a small smile. "That was never in question. It's…"

"Trust, yeah I know. Do you…"

"What?"

"Nothing, just…nothing."

Remus sat up a little and shuffled a little closer. He rested his forehead against Sirius's and they stroked their thumbs over one another's hands.

"Yes I love you. I need time Sirius, that's all. I still love you, probably always will foolishly but it takes time."

Sirius clenched his hand tightly in Remus's and nodded as he closed his eyes tightly. Remus moved his hand to rub Sirius's back soothingly and Sirius mirrored the motion.

"I'll wait forever."

"Only forever?"

Sirius thought and then shook his head. "No…further but I don't know what comes after forever."

"Death I'd imagine."

"Bit morbid isn't it?"

"Life isn't perfect, why shouldn't death be?"

"Well then, I hope I don't betray you in death like I have life."

They fell silent and Remus curled up closer to Sirius, feeling an ache loosen but by no means leave him. He felt as though he was recovering from a particularly bad transformation and it was subsiding but was still there.

As usual, Sirius was there to take away the pain.

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"Do you think they're alright?"

Looking up at Lily James lowered the magazine he'd been reading nestled comfortably in the chair by the fire, feet propped up on the coffee table.

"Sirius and Remus?" He asked and Lily looked over at him nodding.

"Yeah, do you think they're alright?"

James considered the question and closed his magazine. Placing it into his lap he clasped his hands over the top of it.

"I think they will be, given time."

Lily seemed satisfied and smiling she walked over to the boyfriend. After giving a playful exaggerated stretch she fell into his lap making him laugh. Then she lay sprawled across him like a cat.

"Comfortable?"

"Very much so yes." She said and flicked his ear. He flinched and rubbed at it.

"Bully."

"Dingus."

"That isn't even a word!"

"Yes it is!"

"It isn't!"

"It's my word!"

"That doesn't count."

"Why not, my word is law!"

"Why's that?"

"Because I'm a woman."

(TBC)

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