Disclaimer: I think it is clear from the fact that this is a fanfic that we do not own it…unless JK Rowling gets her kicks from publishing works without profit…hmmm…must deliberate on this theory.

Ecdemic:

Harry arrived in insert name of non-specified/fictional country here in the year insert fairly random date – suffice to say when there were damsels and jousting (the old favourite of fantasy books) here with a bump.

There is no logical reason why it was with a bump – wizards and witches, surely, over the years, would have developed ways of making travelling more comfortable. However, there is something undeniably humorous about Harry landing on his bum and hurting his tailbone…or maybe I'm just sadistic. Either way, the word "bum" is sure to induce laughter in the less mature of us (i.e. me).

Harry was just getting up when something appeared suddenly in front of him, causing him to loose his balance, landing on his ass again. You can tell that we prize sophisticated humour in this fic, and never resort to cheap slapstick, which works even less in prose than in film.

"Buh?" Harry said, articulately, for the something that had suddenly arrived was none other than a screaming Draco Malfoy.

At the noise Harry made, Draco turned towards the source, saw Harry and screamed again.

Recognising an intellectual conversation he could at last participate in, Harry screamed back at him, pleasantly.

"Boys!" a voice boomed over the screaming. "What's the matter?"

Draco turned to see who spoke now, only to find Dumbledore towering over him. "Sir!" he gibbered. "Harry…" he paused. For most people, the mere sight of Harry Potter would be enough to make them scream in terror, but Draco Malfoy is made of tougher stuff, and felt the need to make this known. "Harry," he could almost speak without stuttering now, "performed a difficult spell!"

There was a long, shocked silence.

Eventually, Dumbledore turned to Harry, intrigued. "Is this true, Harry?" he asked, gently. "Did you really perform a difficult spell?"

Harry, however, had lost interest in the conversation as soon as the words became longer than a syllable. Instead, he had made a daisy chain for himself, and was deciding if it would work better as a necklace or as a tiara.

"Harry?" Dumbledore probed. "Can you tell me what happened just before you arrived here?"

Harry dropped his daisy chain and his face paled. Dumbledore could only decipher on work in his stuttered ravings – "Carpets!"

"Ah," Dumbledore said gravely. He, of course, knew of the carpet phobia. We tried to find a posh word for this, but could not – apparently, while aulophobics (those terrified of flutes) are tragically common, a fear of carpets is simply too silly.

But, then again, he is Harry Potter.

The reason Dumbledore was aware of Harry's peculiar (and possibly unique) phobia was that it had been mentioned in…the prophesy (for full effect, sub-vocalise in dramatic and foreboding tones). Not the condensed prophesy that JK wrote out for us, but the proper, extended version – a short extract of which is:

There is lots of stuff about Harry,

The details of which are in prose,

Because we have difficulty rhyming…y,

As shown by the line ab…ose

Section C, line 7 of said prophesy specifies an irrational fear of carpets (it's the bit right after when it states that he must have a complex love life). Dumbledore, therefore, concluded that Harry had not performed difficult magic at all, but simply…

And then Dumbledore came to a crisis. Should he have compassion for Harry's already addled brain and for all the confused/sceptical readers and actually reveal what was going on? Or should he simply say nothing until the end of the book – the traditional time for him to reveal all and leave Harry wondering why the hell he couldn't have said that in the first place.

Dumbledore decided (on the excellent reasoning that these authors would probably be unable to sustain interest until his moment of truth) to commit heresy – he would be straight with Harry and the readers.

"The reason you and Mr. Malfoy here have been transported back in time is that you screamed in terror." He turned to Draco – "There is no need to fear – Harry performed no difficult magic. It is simply a spell I set up to transport anyone screaming in terror back to insert previously mentioned date and location as then they would safely be here with me."

"So why are you here?" Malfoy asked.

"I have some…errands to do," Dumbledore said, vaguely. You didn't expect him to be completely truthful, did you?

"Anyway," Dumbledore said, shifting uncomfortably. "Must be off – things to do, people to see…" He took a piece of parchment and a quill out of his pocket. Also, a handy bottle of ink – how convenient wizard stationary is!

"Now, Harry," he said, scribbling furiously, "I'm leaving you in charge. Follow these instructions exactly and you'll be home in no time."

"Can't we just go with you?" Draco asked. Dumbledore appeared shocked by the question –

"But then you won't have time to bond in various clichéd and unlikely scenes." He looked grave – "I'm sorry, Draco, but the author profile specifies teenage and female; this is just the way it has to be."

He handed the parchment to Harry, who looked bemused upon receiving it. "Ta ta!" he said, cheerfully.

And he vanished, completely ignoring Draco's cry of – "Don't leave me alone with him – I'm scared what the author might make us do!"

Draco had spent several minutes staring morosely at the place Dumbledore had just been standing, when Harry noticed Dumbledore was gone.

"Well," he said, punching Draco cheerfully in the arm – "looks like it's just you and me."

"Don't touch me," Draco said, tersely.

Harry shrugged and went back to his daisy chain.

Thus, our heroic duo began on their long and arduous journey to the present.

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And the winner of the competition is insert drum roll here… BOBETE THE BUILDER!

Yeah, you were wrong, but we like the idea of it meaning to ramble. Absquatulate actually means 'to leave in a hurry, suddenly, and/or in secret'. Still, congrats and all that. In order to have your cameo, we'll need a brief description of appearance – nothing detailed or anything, but just to give us an idea.

To everyone else, same competition this week (except obviously, with new chapter title) and, so we can get on with the cameos, can you include your brief description in review (if you feel uncomfortable doing that, my e-mail is …or we could just make something up). And yes, we do plan to do this throughout the entire fic.

Have I forgotten anything…don't think so…except to stress about both biology and German now boasting weekly tests, with the occasional pop quiz in French thrown in. I love GCSE year.

Tootles till next time (tee hee hee! I said tootles! Oh, the hilarity of it all)