Disclaimer: We still aren't JK Rowling. Honestly, we've said it enough times; you'd think you people would have got it by now.

Bellibone:

Back in Hogwarts (I love the quality of transitions in this fic), Neville Longbottom called plaintively for his toad – "Trevor! Trevor! Where are you?" He had been looking for Trevor for the last three days and was, as yet, unsuccessful. Perhaps this was because loosing Trevor makes Neville seem naïvely endearing, while retaining a slight comic element and the present author wants to exploit that fact to its full potential. Or perhaps it is because Neville is so nondescript that it takes his fellow pupils over 72 hours to notice what he was doing. Or maybe a pleasant mixture of the two. You decide.

Hermione, who is, after all, the most astute of all Hogwarts students, noticed Neville's strange behaviour first. "Neville, what's wrong?" she asked, concerned.

"Trevor…missing…been…looking," Neville managed, a slightly deranged look in his eyes that suggested that his mind was teetering on the edge of sanity. Well, that's what happens to a guy if they spend the last 72 hours continuously searching for a toad, with no breaks for sleep, food or water. It's amazing he's still alive, really.

"Trevor?" Hermione said, compassionately. "Haven't you heard, Neville? He was signed up for the Chudleigh Cannons as their new seeker."

Neville looked baffled, as, I'm sure, most of you people do.

"Well, ever since Harry's miraculous performance in our first year, they've been trying to get a wide-mouthed tree frog on the team. But then they heard about Trevor and they thought 'how surreal and complex (and, frankly, written after midnight) would it be if we kidnapped Trevor and then made him play' so they did."

"The Chudleigh Cannons kidnapped Trevor?" Neville asked, his voice querulous. His fragile state of mind had just been pushed a little further and was now hanging by it's fingertips over the edge.

"Oh yes," Hermione said. "And he's doing great! Yesterday, the Cannon's won a match for the first time in forty years – Ron's delighted."

This was too much for Neville – the Cannons actually winning something? His mind gave up, let go of the edge completely and started falling into the depths of insanity. He screamed, and then disappeared.

(Remember Dumbledore's spell? Incidentally, as soon as Neville reaches insert name of unspecified location here, his sanity and general health is completely restored. You may ask why, but we're not going to tell you, and I don't mean that in a we're-going-to-drag-it-out-for-suspense kind of way. I mean it in a for-similar-reasons-as-to-why-we-aren't-telling-you-why-Dumbledore's-spell-is-still-activated kind of way. Namely, we don't know.)

Minutes later, the most beautiful girl the reader can imagine glided into the picture. Her name was Katriana Elyssabeth Blah Blah Blah, and she had transformed the lives of everyone in the school simply by being so good, so pure (and so damn sexy). Former Death Eaters now spent their time stroking rabbits, chinchillas and other small, furry creatures not generally associated with Death Eaters.

That is, she had transformed the lives of everyone but our main characters because we find them quite parody-able as they are, thank you very much. There are perfectly reasonable explanations for this though.

Neville had been searching for his toad for the last three days, thus unable to talk to her as he was too busy calling Trevor's name.

Hermione had spent all her time in the library trying to discover the reasons for Harry's and Draco's (and now Neville's) disappearance.

Ron had been too drunk to talk to her as a result of all the celebrating he had done following the Cannon's change in fortune.

Ginny had been busy trying to figure out her personality; as she doesn't actually talk until about book 4 or 5, the authors don't really know how to write her, never mind parody her.

Anyway, the point is that she enters the scene. Randomly, Ron and Ginny appeared as well.

"Hermione," Katriana Elyssabeth Etc. said, her voice melodious. "I don't believe we've really talked. I feel that you have various unresolved psychological issues you are harbouring, which only come out through your discussion with me, showing my sensitive and caring side."

"Do I?" Hermione asked, confused.

"And then," Katriana continued, "I would help you get over said issues by introducing you to material goods, such as clothes and make-up, which would make you almost (but not quite) as beautiful as me, to show how cool and trendy I am."

"Ok…" Hermione said, backing away slowly, "I'm just going to phone the police now."

"And then I'll introduce you to some values my Suethor thinks of as American and, all of a sudden, you'll never have problems again, because you'll embody the American spirit," Katriana was now smiling in a strangely terrifying (but beautiful) way.

"Oh no," Hermione muttered, fear showing in her voice.

"What?" Ginny asked, confused.

"I've read about this, but I didn't really believe…" Hermione said, her voice tense.

"Didn't believe what?" Ginny demanded. Hermione turned towards her, a worried expression on her face.

"Ginny – she's a Mary Sue!" Hermione whispered. Both girls screamed. And then disappeared.

Ron looked at where they had been standing a few seconds previously. This was quite difficult as he was surrounded by Cannons' memorabilia. However, after batting aside some balloons, a banner, and three inflatable life-size figurines, he could see plainly that they were gone.

"Hermione! Where are you? Come back – I can't go on without you!" Then, blushing extensively and giving an embarrassed cough, he said, rather quickly, "I mean Ginny, because she is obviously the one I care about… Not that I don't care about Hermione…just as a sister. Yeah, that's it – a sister." And then, he too screamed and disappeared.

Katriana I Can't Even Remember What The Rest Of Her Name Is surveyed the now empty corridor, one eyebrow arched quizzically. Then she shrugged (gracefully), turned on her heel (elegantly) and started to walk (I mean, glide) back to the Great Hall. She laughed, a pretty laugh like tinkling bells, and said (in a voice that would have brought joy to even the terminally depressed) –

"Even without them, the school can still be mine!" And she laughed her pretty laugh again, drawing the rest of the students to her like moths to a flame.

Like I say, this was written after midnight coz I couldn't sleep, so that's why it's a bit…yeah…

Sorry about the long update time but…actually there is absolutely no excuse; I just couldn't be bothered to write this chapter. In my defence, the plan for it was 'Trevor gets kidnapped and Neville, Ron, Ginny and Hermione scream' so I didn't have much to go on.

Btw – I (this is Bernard; Spinach fully disassociates from this venture as she feels it would totally destroy her image) am writing a "serious fic" (oh the horror). Uh, I think it includes just about everything we've parodied, but please read, review and don't be too harsh because I'm a closet hopeless romantic and would hate for my fragile self-confidence to be crushed.

Antanagage: a counter charge made in retort to an adversary's accusation.

Although we rather liked the idea of a gun that shoots out unsuspecting ants of DOOM on unsuspecting victims (Bobbete the Builder), Eggo Waffles was nearer the actual definition and we feel that we should boost her self-confidence, so here's a cameo just for you:

Katriana returned to her room, only just managing to make it in through the door as the room was filled with dozens of roses given to her by her hoards of admirers. She inhaled their sweet perfume, when suddenly she spotted something that was completely out of place.

A pineapple.

Suspiciously, she crept over to it, turned over the card and read:

Katriana – you are an inspiration to us all. I hope you like the pineapple; I went to great lengths to get it, having to wait until the nasty authors weren't looking before I could dash into the fruit and veg shop and buy it, just for you.

Yours sincerely,

Eggo Waffles

Katriana slowly let out the breath she had unconsciously been holding. It was fine – just another fan, if a slightly strange one. She smiled – no-one suspected anything, except Hermione and Ginny, who had disappeared to an undisclosed location. Yes, life was sweet. And controlling other peoples' lives was even sweeter.