Haley simply stared at him for a few quiet moments, the familiar shivers rushing through her body as his hand gently caressed the side of her face. She shifted her gaze downwards, unable to control the emotions bubbling within her. Her hand went up to clutch her chest, feeling as if something was trying to claw its way out of her. The tears stung her eyes as her lips trembled, her breath shaky as the perspiration seeped from her skin.
Her brown orbs looked cautiously into his and she let out a heavy sigh when she saw the clouded mask in his eyes. She knew what he wanted. What she didn't know was why he would possibly want it from her. Haley looked at him intently, wishing that she could read something, anything… a signal of some sort; something that told her how he was feeling and something to guide her actions. She didn't want to hurt him as she knew that he had been broken down enough. She wanted to do something that would make things better. She just didn't know what that something was.
His fingers inched down to the smooth skin of her arm and she could feel him drawing small circles on her flesh. She could feel his hot breath on her skin. And, she could feel the warmth radiating from his body due to their closeness. She could feel him, all of him and it was wrong. So very, very, very wrong. She was supposed to say no and take the moral high ground. She was supposed to say no and offer an alternate method to comfort him. She shouldn't be leaning into his touch or moving closer to his willing body.
She wasn't supposed to be kissing him.
But, even as he moved his body over hers, his touch igniting blazes upon her skin, she did not protest. She returned the kisses with equal fervor and clawed to his shirt, wanting to pull him in closer and push him away all at the same time. It was wrong what she was doing, what they were doing together but it didn't feel that way. For the first time in so long, she felt like she was living again. She had to wonder, was he feeling the same way?
The thoughts began to slip from her mind as she fell into his touch. She closed her eyes, feeling the immense pleasure of having a warm body near her wash over her. The darkness behind her eyelids only seemed to intensify the entire situation and she could feel it all.. hear it all. The heavy breathing, the desperate touches, the rhythmic pounding of her heart against her chest. She could feel it all consuming her and she was lost in the emotion. She felt as if all the years that they've been together and been apart had led up to this moment. Alone yet together, feeling more than they should've been able to feel in a single touch, a single moment. She wasn't supposed to be able to feel this much. The pounding of her heart sped up and she closed her eyes tightly as she struggled to breathe, the panting of her breaths drowning out everything else in the room. She was going to burst.. she could feel it. A human being was not supposed to feel this much at the same time. She was not meant to ever feel this way. And, most definitely not with Nathan.
This wasn't right.
Her eyes snapped open and she hurriedly pushed him away as she scrambled off the bed, her breathing still labored. She looked down at the carpet, not wanting to meet his gaze, already knowing what he was thinking. She tried her best cover herself as she sniffled quietly, never before feeling more vulnerable then she did at the moment. The warmth left her body and she could feel the coldness slowly begin to seep in as she slowly lifted her eyes, her brown orbs trying to make out his expression in the darkness.
She couldn't.
Clearing her throat, she muttered a few intelligible words before rushing off into the bathroom. Closing the door behind her, she turned on the light and shielded her eyes away from the glaring white of the room and the light. She didn't look in the mirror. She didn't want to see herself, ragged and haggard. She was disgusting. How could she fall into the moment like that and basically take advantage of Nathan in that manner? She was supposed to be strong.. and helpful and she was not supposed to fail him anymore. But, it was so hard, not knowing how to dissect his signals and just the mere presence of him seemed to transform her into a bumbling idiot. She wanted so desperately to do what was right but she could no longer distinguish between what was right and what was wrong.
It all blended together now, one fading into the other. What just happened felt… right. But, it wasn't, she argued. It wasn't. It couldn't possibly be right. Then again, nothing that had happened in the past few hours seemed right. Her world had tilted horribly off its axis and now she was just catching up with gravity. And, she couldn't do it.
Haley looked up at herself in the mirror and tried her best to hold back the tears though she could feel herself cracking, bit by bit. She gripped the edge of the sink tightly, her nails digging into the counter as the tears stung her eyes. Squeezing them together tightly, she gasped loudly, feeling the breath escape from her lips as she collapsed onto the floor of the bathroom.
The emotion was slowly draining out of her now.
He could hear her sobs from the bed.
Nathan ran his fingers along the smooth lining of the mattress, his fingers pressing into the sheets as he struggled to figure out his next action. He supposed the right thing to do was to comfort her and soothe her ailing worries but a sense of brevity laid within him now and he wasn't entirely positive that what he would have to say, or lack of, would be welcomed. He paused for a moment, his mind disturbingly quiet as he made a move to get off the bed.
How did it manage to get back to this again? Wasn't this the reason why he left in the first place? He didn't want to deal with this sort of messiness, the feelings, the crying and the pain. It was just a complication that he didn't want to handle in that period of his life and even up to this point, he still didn't want to handle. He didn't like messy and he didn't like tangled relationships.
Haley seemed to be the embodiment of that and so when he had a chance to escape, he did. In retrospect, he realized that what he did might have been considered wrong or immoral but he was so young, only eighteen, and he did not want to settle down with a serious girlfriend or have to deal with the complications that came with that sort of relationship. He just wanted to live. As he sat there in the motel room, listening to his ex-girlfriend try her best to suppress her tears, he knew that in those few moments with her, he had lived more than he did in the past few years.
What he had been going through before, jumping from girl to girl without any real emotional connection was not living. It was just his body making physical movements. He had been a shell, hollowed out and lost to real feeling. It should've scared him that a few touches with a girl he barely knew anymore could bring a part he thought he lost long ago back again. It should've scared him that a few moments with her could replace years of numbness.
It should've scared him that for the first time in years, he felt again.
It didn't. For the first time since his visit with the psychic, he felt a sort of morbid comfort. A sort of comfort that he should not have felt at the sound of a girl crying in the next room. But, it did. It was a reminder that he was still real and that he could still inflict pain upon others and vice versa. It was a reminder that he was still a human being with emotions and ties to reality, though it had been so long since he felt that way. It was a reminder of his past which had been tainted with emotions. It was a reminder that he was still Nathan Scott… now a man of many facets.
His hand rested upon the door knob of the bathroom. He placed a gentle pressure upon it, his heart pounding within his chest. He hadn't felt a nervousness of this sort in so long… he though he had forgotten what nervousness was. The bright light of the bathroom poured into the darkness of the hotel room as the gap between the door and the doorframe grew wider and wider.
The sight should not have affected him as much as it did. After all, he had been away from her for so long and he thought all emotional ties had been broken, at least, they should've been. Seeing Haley cry on the floor, her head buried between her knees should not have shocked and stabbed him as much as it did. He had made plenty of girls cry within the years of his leaving and it never once bothered him as much, or at all, as it did at that moment.
He wanted nothing more than to sit down next to her and take her into his arms. He wanted to whisper sweet nothings into her ear, like he did so long ago, and comfort her and make her stop crying. But, he didn't move. He couldn't move. He felt as if the power of movement had been stolen from his body and as he simply stood there, he could feel the stony setting begin to solidify within him. He couldn't go back to all those years ago. They couldn't go back to all those years ago.
He couldn't afford it. Maybe, if circumstances were different, things could change and he could be different. But, he couldn't. Nobody could change within 72 hours and if anybody could, it certainly wouldn't be him. He didn't have time to waste on a hopeless dream of the past. He had to focus on now. He had to focus on him.
Not Haley.
So, when he reached down to grab her hand and then proceeded to wrap his arms around her, the surprise was not only present upon her but on him as well. What exactly was he doing?
He honestly didn't know anymore. He hadn't known what he was doing for awhile now, even before the reading. It felt like he had just been wandering aimlessly, there was no purpose for him. Now, there was. He had a reason to live because if he didn't, he would never have another chance.
Nathan knelt down next to her and brought his hand up to her face, cupping her chin gently. She looked as if she expected him to say something, perhaps utter a few words that would soothe her but he would not speak. He would not offer any words of advice or consolation. He would just hold her like she did with him.
For now, that was enough.
Nathan's blue eyes skimmed the darkened hotel room. He leaned back against the headboard and he let out a deep sigh. His thoughts had finally quieted down over the past few hours, the last few hours of his life. They were slowly slipping away now and what was he doing? He was lying in a shoddy motel room with his high school girlfriend sleeping in his lap.
What exactly was the right thing to do in his sort of situation? The predictable thing would probably be blowing away his bank account buying everything that he had fantasized about his entire life or spending the last sweet hours of his life in the arms of the most beautiful woman in the world. He was supposed to be finding a way to cram a lifetime's worth of memories into a few short hours.
That was all material though. And, he had had enough of material in his life to know that he didn't need anymore of it. The only thing that seemed to hold any ounce of importance was something of substance. He wanted something that could actually have worth.
He looked down at Haley, his hand gently caressing her hair. He smoothed the tear stains from her skin. She was still so beautiful, even while she was sleeping. She was so sound and calm at the moment, a sharp contrast from what she was only a few hours ago. He knew that his sudden reappearance into her life must've been a jolt to her nervous system and in her typical manner- she had tried to be strong. She had tried to be strong for herself and for him, most importantly. She had tried and his eyes, she had not failed. The mere fact that she was lying here with him now and that subconsciously, she trusted him enough to be able to fall asleep in his arms stirred something deep within him. He wasn't sure if it was comfort or love or something material that could be burned away with all his other possessions.
He just knew that it kept him holding on.
The dark outside was slowly dipping past the horizon and a faint light could be seen spreading across the vast expanse of the sky. It would be morning soon and she would be waking up. She would be apologetic for her actions and she would feel guilt. Her eyes would be downcast her words would fall to a mere whisper and she'd be out of his arms, keeping a safe distance between their bodies.
She wouldn't let him hold her again, not in the way they were now, not in the way that he wanted and craved.
He closed his eyes, the sleep that had been forced away in the past few hours finally taking its toll on his body. He wrapped his arms around her, a calm settling within him as it finally overcame him.
Haley's eyes fluttered open, her mind was blank, her heart quiet as she struggled to regain some memory of what had happened the night before. She felt the warmth emitting from the body next to her and as her vision focused, she saw that it was none other than Nathan Scott.
It all came rushing back to her then and all she could do was smile sadly. She studied him silently, her hand coming up from her side up to his face. A frown marred his handsome features and she couldn't help but wonder what he was dreaming of. What was he thinking of? What was going on in that mind of his? Now and before.
All the words and actions that he had said and made in the day past had all been so vague and mysterious. She was the type that was analytical and liked to know the clear cut meaning of things. Even at that moment, she thought she could read the answers off his face but she knew that she couldn't. He couldn't provide her with any answers even if he tried because nothing was clear to him at this point.
His whole world had been tilted of his axis and he was searching for answers, just like she was. She thought she was happy the way she was before and maybe she truly was but now, she questioned it and it was because of him. It wasn't intentional on his part, it was just his influence and their current predicament. She almost felt as if that she was the one who had gotten the reading and was the one whose life would be ripped away in a few hours.
No, she said to herself. Her eyes bored into him, she couldn't believe it. She wouldn't let herself. He would go on living. After two days had past, he would see that the psychic's reading was all a hoax and he could go back to living his life the way he did, knowing that what had happened between them would be buried and turn into nothing but a faded memory.
He would leave her again. This time, she wanted to believe she was prepared for it.
There was no reason for her not to be. It wasn't as if what they had between them was fresh. The gaping wound that she had years before was mended now and she could look at him without wanting to fall to her knees in tears. She bit her lower lip, knowing that it was a lie. If she truly believed that, she wouldn't have fallen into him so quickly and passionately as she did yesterday.
Her hand went to her lips, she could still taste him. She could still taste his desperation and his desire for something to fill the empty space inside him. She could still feel the life pumping through his veins, the life that was in jeopardy and might be lost in a few hours from now. She watched him with melancholic eyes. How was it possible that he could still do this to her?
She thought they had grown past that now.
Letting out a sigh, she pushed her thoughts away and crawled off the bed. She stumbled into the shower, turning the water onto its maximum heat. The hot liquid pounded onto her skin, the feeling was intense but the relief fleeting.
He was still sleeping when she walked back into the bedroom. Using a towel to dry off her hair, she slipped into the sofa chair by the bed, her clothes sticking to her wet body.
She could only wait now.
There had been no nightmares that plagued his sleep. He almost wished that there were when he woke up and gained conscious thought. It would've been a momentary distraction. His body was wrapped up in the sheets but all he felt on the surface was coldness. He was alone in the bed.
Turning his head, he saw that he was sitting a few feet away from him, watching him with a controlled gaze.
"You're awake."
He nodded before sitting up.
"Are you hungry?" She fiddled with her fingers. He could hear the uncertainty in her voice. "Do you want me to make some coffee?"
"Sure."
Thankful for the task, she got to her feet and moved to the desk. She looked into the mirror and watched as he got off the bed, stretching and acting so… normal. She really wasn't sure what to expect from him. He was always unpredictable. Did he still believe what that psychic had told him? Or did a good night's rest erase that?
She wished she could gather the courage to just ask him.
He was out of the bathroom by the time she finished half a cup of coffee. It didn't manage to soothe her nerves. Instead, it seemed to make her more on edge and frazzled. Yet again, she resorted to watching him, hoping his movements would answer the questions she was afraid to voice.
It would be cemented that way, his supposed impending death and she still wanted to cling onto the belief that it was all fodder and pointless worries. If he didn't believe it anymore, maybe she could somehow convince herself that she didn't either.
Because, though she told herself she didn't, she couldn't help but wonder what if? What would happen if the psychic was right and Nathan was right? What would she do if he really was going to die sometime in the next two days? God, she couldn't think about this. Not when he was only standing a few feet from him acting as if he had not a care in the world.
How could he just go on and drink the coffee when there was a possibility that that would be the last time he would ever do so? How could he just stand there when his life might be slipping away, second by second? She shook her head and bit her lip, rocking back and forth on the sofa before the words finally slipped. She instantly regretted it.
"Aren't you scared?"
He looked up and she felt something akin to satisfaction that some sort of expression was finally upon his face. The shock was erased almost as quickly as it appeared, "Of course."
She faltered, "How can you-" She paused, at a loss for words.
"How can I what?" He looked at her expectantly, "Try and go about my day without breaking down or grating what's left of my sanity away? I did that yesterday, remember? You were there."
"This isn't funny, Nathan."
"No, it's not." He agreed, "Which is precisely why I'm not laughing."
She shook her head helplessly before whispering, "I'm scared for you. I don't want to believe what you told me but what if it's true? I don't know what I'd-"
"You don't love me, remember?" He said flatly, "Not before and definitely not now. I'm sorry for imposing my situation onto you." He shrugged, "I can't take that away now but-"
"Nathan, that's not what I'm saying." She sighed, "Please don't make this difficult."
"What exactly is it that you want to hear, Haley?" He looked at her expectantly, "Do you want me to act scared? Would it make you feel better if I expressed what I was feeling inside? Do you want me to tell you how terrified I am that this time tomorrow, I might be two hours away from my death? Do you want me to tell you that I'm scared to even move two feet from where I'm standing because I might trigger the cause for my death? Is that what you want to hear?" Nathan demanded before he crossed his arms, letting out a heavy sigh.
She remained quiet, her eyes downcast, much like the way he imagined she would be the night before.
She pursed her lips, letting the words from his outburst sink in as she struggled to find her next words. What was the right thing to say after that? Should she apologize? Should she just remain quiet? Gently raising her head, she saw that his whole body was tense and tight. If she had bothered to pay attention to the details before, she would've seen that he was scared.
He was more than scared. Scared wasn't even enough of a proper term to describe a man that was going to lose his life due to an unknown cause a little more than a day from now.
She walked over to him, her feet quiet against the soft carpet. She uncrossed his arms and touched his face. He still wouldn't look at her.
No matter now, he had put himself out there and she would do the same. Without a word, she wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed the side of her head against his chest.
Even after all these years, she was still his constant.