Author's Note: I had the idea for this chapter before I even started writing fan fiction. I planned to eventually write this as a one-shot, but then it seemed to fit well into this story. For those board game aficionados, this story refers to the old version of the Game of Life, as opposed to the newer version available now. My family, of course, owns both versions. Thanks again to everyone who has reviewed and also to everyone in the fan fiction thread of the TWoP forums for the wonderful encouragement. I really appreciate the feedback. Of course I want to give tons of thanks to my fabulous beta, JeSouhaite. As always she seems to pick up on the things that bugged me most about my writing and make suggestions to make them better.
Lorelai came downstairs from Luke's apartment to find Luke and Rory in deep conversation. She paused a moment, enjoying the image of her two favorite people together in one place. They looked up when they heard her and she smiled.
"Hey kid, you're here. Come sit down." Lorelai dragged Rory to a table while Luke went to get their coffee. "How was your visit to the ice queen's palace?"
"Surprisingly melty."
"Huh?"
"Well, you came up with the analogy."
"Interpret for me anyway."
"They were freakishly warm and friendly." Rory's expression turned serious, "Mom, you told me that something happened between Luke and Grandma, but whatever it was, it scared her. I've never seen her trying that hard." Lorelai was surprised by a sudden rush of emotion as Rory continued hesitantly. "Grandma asked about you. She wanted to know if you were happy."
"What did you tell her?"
"I told her that you'd never been happier, that Luke was the best thing that ever happened to you."
"Yeah, except for you."
Rory gave a small smile at that and then quietly added, "She asked about Luke too."
"What did she want to know?"
"She wanted to know what I thought of him. You know…she said that he stood up for you. She almost sounded impressed." Lorelai could only think how ironic it was that Emily respected those who put her in her place and ridiculed those polite enough to hold their tongues. Rory continued speaking, her voice soft, "Mom… what did Luke say to her?"
"He didn't tell me exactly, just that it hurt her. He felt really guilty, so I didn't push him about it. God, I wish I'd been there, though."
"She gave me this to give to you. I think that it's probably an official invitation to Friday Night Dinner, but I'm not sure. Do you think that you might be able…to come to dinner again sometime?"
"Only if she is willing to accept that Luke is part of my life."
"She will Mom, eventually."
"Well, she'll have to. He's not going anywhere."
"So…you guys are good?"
"Rory, we are more than good."
"Hello," Emily answered with her typical businesslike tone.
"Mom…It's me, Lorelai"
Lorelai could hear her mother's voice soften, "Lorelai."
"Rory gave me your note about the dinner for my birthday. Thanks for the invitation."
"Do you think you'll be able to come?" There was an eagerness in her voice that didn't escape Lorelai's notice.
"I think so…yes."
"What about Luke?"
"I haven't asked him yet."
"May I ask why?"
"Do I need to remind you about the last time we had dinner with you? You spent the entire night talking about roadkill and diner health code violations. I'm not putting him through that again. I wanted make that clear to you before I even asked him."
"That won't happen."
"I'm just finding that a little hard to believe right now…You know mom, I love Luke… and that's not going to change. He and I being together – that's a fact."
"I'm beginning to realize that."
"Do you think that you're ever going to be able to accept him?" Lorelai cringed at the pleading tone in her voice, but then collected herself and spoke more firmly. "Not just tolerate him, but accept him?" After a brief pause, she continued, "Because Mom, that's what it's going to take."
"I just want to be sure he deserves you."
"The real question is whether or not I deserve him."
"Things seem to be going well with you and Luke." Sookie stated as she and Lorelai enjoyed their morning tea and coffee.
"Really well. I can't believe it's only been three weeks. I mean, Luke said it was going to take time to get used to being together again, but it hasn't. I was so worried when he didn't want me to stay the night after our date, but now…"
"No worries there. Do you ever sleep alone anymore?"
"Just when Rory is here. At first it was all, 'would you like to stay over,' or 'how about I drop by the diner for some coffee later'… but now it's just the way it is."
"And you're happy."
"I'm so happy."
"And you're in love."
"I'm in love," Lorelai said a little dreamily, then caught herself and giggled.
"And you're going to get married."
"I'm going to – Sookie!"
"Got you!"
Lorelai glared at her, "Sookie, don't go freaking me out like that," but even as she said the words, Lorelai realized that the mention of marriage did not freak her out in the least. In fact, it sounded kind of nice.
Sookie just laughed and asked, "So what are your hot plans with Luke for tonight?"
"Oh, tonight is game night."
"Game night?" she asked curiously. "You mean like strip poker? I can totally picture you guys playing strip poker. Well, not picture, because I don't think I really want to picture that, but you know-"
"Sookie stop, not strip poker, although I will have to keep that in mind." She mused thoughtfully. "I'm talking about Monopoly or Scrabble, but not either one of those because it's my turn to pick.
"So seriously, who's the one freaking out about me mentioning marriage?"
"So what shall it be tonight?"
"Luke, do you think that it's weird for us to play games?"
"Why?"
"I mentioned it to Sookie and she thought it was weird."
"Weird bad or weird good?"
"I don't know. She seemed to think that any game we would be playing would involve sex, like strip poker."
"Well now, there's an idea. We never did finish that poker game." He raised his eyebrows suggestively. She smiled but then her questioning look returned. "I don't think it's that weird. Besides, you're cute when you get competitive," he teased.
"Hey, you're competitive too."
"Me?"
"Oh yeah. You remember when we played Scrabble? You wouldn't give up on your word until we looked in three dictionaries!"
"Fine then, we're both competitive. So, which one will it be tonight?"
"The family classic - The Game of Life!"
"The Game of Life?" He looked skeptical.
"It's fun, and there's money involved, so you have an inherent advantage."
Lorelai pulled the game off the shelf and began to set it up on the coffee table. When Luke put the cars on the starting space, he asked, "Okay, so what's your person's name?"
"Oh," Lorelai paused for a moment, "We don't name the people in this game."
"What? You name everything else, including the playing pieces in every other game. And now, I'm just kicking myself for asking."
"Well, uh," Lorelai started nervously, "once when Rory was about eight, she named her pieces Lorelai and Christopher. We had a long talk that night about the fact that Chris and I were not together and not likely to be. That was the last time we named our people in this game."
Luke swallowed and said, "Okay, I'll buy that."
They started the game, and Lorelai giggled when she landed on the doctor space and Luke landed on the lawyer space. "Oh my god, you're a lawyer," she said, laughing out loud.
"That's not nearly as frightening as you being a doctor."
"Hey, you keep that up, I won't hire you to be my malpractice lawyer."
"Thank god."
They continued around the board, Lorelai squealing with delight when she got to the marriage space and spun for the maximum possible gift amount. "Ooh look, I'm married!"
"So you actually went through with it this time." Lorelai gasped with surprise at his comment and he looked horrified when he realized what he had said. "Geez Lorelai, I'm sorry."
"You're supposed to be glad I didn't get married."
"I am," he looked straight at her, "really glad, and…I'm not one to be talking anyway," he added wryly.
Lorelai shrugged and continued with her turn in silence. The talk of marriage reminded her of the conversation with Sookie, and she pondered the ramifications of the words that hung in the air between them.
Luke broke the tension by saying, "I have a question."
"Yeah?"
"I'm just curious what it was like playing this game with Rory when she was growing up."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean it's so traditional – go to college, get married, buy a house, have kids."
"And not like my life?"
"Well, yeah."
"I guess it was a little weird sometimes, but I think Rory understood that our life wasn't ordinary. We found ways to put our own twist on things, though," she said with a smirk, relieved to have changed topics. He gave her a questioning look and she continued, "after Rory read Heather has Two Mommies, gay marriage was legal in the Gilmore house. We were way ahead of our time." She giggled and Luke just laughed, shaking his head in mock disbelief.
They continued playing in relative silence for a few more minutes, Lorelai's mind continuing to drift to the topic they were avoiding. She bit her lip nervously as she debated asking the question that was nagging her. "Luke, do you think you could ever imagine getting married again?" As soon as the words were out of her mouth she looked down and focused her attention intently on the hem of her jeans.
"Well, maybe if I find the right woman."
Lorelai's head jerked up to see his teasing smile. "Hey, don't do that," she said softly. "I'm serious."
"Sorry."
"Do you think…you could imagine marrying me?"
She heard his sharp intake of breath and the silence as he paused before answering, "I can't imagine marrying anyone else."
His voice was deep and the promise held in his words made Lorelai's heart jump and her stomach quiver. She looked up at him shyly and they shared a look before retreating back into their game.
As they continued around the board, Luke's car quickly filled up with children, while Lorelai somehow avoided any offspring. "Oh my god. Adopt a boy and a girl. Why the hell would I adopt twins when I already have four children?"
"You know Luke, it's pretend."
"And where the hell will they sit? My car is full."
"Well, look at it this way, I have to give you 1000 for presents, so at least there's that."
"Why don't you keep the 1000 and the two kids. You don't have any. How did that happen anyway?" He held up his filled car, "There's no room for any more kids."
"Well, the instructions say to just crowd them in like you would do in real life."
"Clearly, this game came before car seat regulations."
"Now, let's see what we can do about fitting little baby Bobby and Susie in here," she said carefully propping the little pink and blue pegs in among the others.
"Thought you didn't name them."
"Oh right, I was just giving them a way to distinguish themselves from the horde."
"You know, I take back what I said earlier about this not being weird." He looked at her, asking, "What made you choose this?" before she spun the spinner to resume the game. A few turns later, he spoke up again, "A helicopter. 50,000 for a helicopter? What the hell do I need a helicopter for?"
"Well at least you get to keep the helicopter. I had to pay money to get rid of my uncle's skunk farm."
"We are so playing chess next time."
Eventually, to Luke's obvious relief, the game finished and they were counting their money.
"Well here's a benefit I wasn't expecting," Luke said. "I get 24,000 for each kid? Aren't kids supposed to cost you money?"
"Well, it's something to make up for all the pain and suffering, right?" Lorelai then pulled her car up next to his and said in a mock high voice, "So what did grumpy driver guy think of spending his life with six children? Were the jam-hands too much to take or did the kids grow on you?"
"Is that your pink peg asking my blue peg or is that you asking me?" Luke looked her in the eye and held her gaze. When she didn't immediately respond he continued, his voice low and even, "Because if you want to have this conversation, we can have this conversation, but I don't want to pretend to have it."
Lorelai swallowed and looked down, "Okay." She felt her stomach tighten. Didn't he know it was safer to keep things like this in the pretend realm, at least for now?
"Do you want to talk about it?" His voice was gentle and when she looked up she saw that his expression had softened.
"I think so," suddenly feeling very overwhelmed. "So…what did you think about having a carful of kids?" She honestly didn't know what she hoped his answer would be.
"Well, six is certainly more kids than I would ever want." She let out a breath and wondered why she felt so relieved. He stopped and looked at her shyly, "but I think one or two might be nice."
Lorelai digested this slowly, rolling the idea around in her head. She had been so sure that he was not interested in having children, that his statement completely unsettled her. She tried very hard to understand the nervousness that she was feeling.
She realized that he was waiting for her to respond when he asked, "Would you ever want to have another kid?" His smile was hopeful but tentative.
"I don't know, Luke." She answered softly, panic beginning to set in. "At times I have. It was a part of that whole package, but now…I don't know. Rory is twenty years old. Think about that…twenty years. I'm afraid I'm too old."
"You're not too old."
"But I am, and it's all harder when you're older and there are more risks."
"But you are healthy. You are a freak of nature kind of healthy."
"I just…what if something happened? I'd be so afraid to get excited, knowing the risks of being disappointed.
"But don't all the good things outweigh the risks? Think about Rory."
"I know…she's amazing. It would be tempting fate to hope to get that lucky again."
"Are you sure that you're not just running from it, letting fear dictate what you want?"
Anger surged through her at the accusation and she desperately wanted to end the conversation, "I'm just not sure I could do it." Her voice was a little desperate, trying to get him to understand her fear.
"So that's how you feel?" he asked slowly.
She could only nod, momentarily unable to breathe, but then in a strained voice said, "It's not how you feel."
"I'm just a little surprised that you feel the way you do, but…It's not a decision you can make for someone else." Their words had been carefully chosen to be hypothetical, but it was obvious that both of them knew what was going on was very real. He looked at her for a long moment, his eyes unreadable, "You know…I love you, no matter what."
"I love you too." In that moment, Lorelai knew that Luke was willing to give up something precious, something he had wanted more than he realized and that he would give it up for her. She suddenly felt the full force of his love and it hit her like a physical blow.
She sat there, stunned for a moment before he put his arm around her and said, "Hey, it's late. Let me take you to bed." His voice was light and he kissed her gently on the temple. She heard his voice and felt his reassuring touch and tried to tell herself that everything was okay. But if everything was fine, why was she afraid to look into his eyes?
What felt like hours later, Lorelai lay awake, restless, aware of a new distance between them. Luke hid his disappointment with a mask of love and concern for her, but the mask only highlighted what had changed. She watched him sleep for a few moments, startled once again at the rush of emotion that she felt looking at him.
She slipped out of bed and into her robe before quietly padding downstairs to the living room. When he came looking for her almost an hour later, she was most of the way through the second of Rory's childhood photo albums .
"Hey, what're you doing?" He sat down beside her and took her hand. She heard a sharp intake of breath when he realized she had been holding his car full of pink and blue pegs. "Lorelai, what's going on?"
"I couldn't sleep."
"Why?"
"What we talked about before. It scared me."
"I know, but it's okay. I'm not expecting…I would never ask that of you."
"But that's it. That's what scares me."
"I don't understand."
"You're willing to give up something huge…something really important, for me. That's scary. I don't want to have that kind of power over you. I can't handle it."
"Lorelai, it's not about power. It's about…I don't know, life decisions."
"But it is. You would make a choice to give something up because I don't want it, because you love me. That's terrifying, for you to love me so much that you would do that, that you would let yourself be hurt rather than do something you think would hurt me."
"It's okay."
"It's not okay," she said fiercely. "Don't lie to me, not about something this important."
"I'm not."
"But Luke, you are. I can see your disappointment. You're trying to hide it, but I can tell. You would regret it." He shook his head, but she continued, "No, you would, sooner or later, and I couldn't live with that. That's why I'm not going to let you…give this up."
"No," he pleaded, "It's too much. You can't just change your mind because of me."
"But you can?"
"It's not the same thing."
"I think it is the same thing, but it doesn't matter. You were right before," She glanced up at him then and saw a confused look, "about letting fear dictate my actions."
"Lorelai, stop-"
"No, listen to me. I've had some time to think while I've been looking at these pictures and I don't know what it is. Maybe I was freaked out because I didn't expect you to want kids, but I was looking at these pictures and realizing what I'd missed so much all those years of raising Rory."
"What was that?"
"A partner, a dad. And here I am, with you, and I think you want that same thing. Not only that, but you would be a wonderful Dad." She reached her hand up to his cheek and he smiled. "That's what I always wanted while Rory was growing up: the whole package. I realized tonight that I was willing to give all that up because I was afraid I would be disappointed. I don't think I want to anymore."
"Nothing has to be decided now."
"I know, but what happened earlier felt like a decision, and I could feel what it did to you and how you were trying to protect me from that. I don't want you to protect me like that anymore. If there are hard decisions to be made, let us deal with the consequences. Please don't hide your feelings from me."
"I'll try, but…it's hard for me."
"I know that. I'm not great at it either, but if we're going to be together we need to be able to tell each other things." He pulled her close and she snuggled into his shoulder. "You know what?"
"What?"
"Everything just got a whole lot less hypothetical."
"Yeah it did…Lorelai?"
"Yeah?"
"What made this come up now?"
"It was something Sookie said when we were talking this morning. She mentioned marriage…"
"Is that why you chose that game?"
"No, I just like it," she turned to look at him and he rolled his eyes, "but playing it brought up all those thoughts. Hey, I just realized something?"
"What?"
"We never figured out who won."
In the days following their talk, Lorelai felt a new certainty that went beyond the promise of permanence with Luke. Now she not only knew that they would have a 'middle,' she could picture it. She saw Luke with she and Rory, sitting around a Christmas tree, opening gifts. She could imagine Luke fussing over her diet while she was pregnant and marveling at the tiny perfect features of a newborn. She saw him playing catch and baking birthday cakes. She had visions of him patiently teaching all the things he knew – cooking, woodworking, and fishing - to beautiful children. In every case the Luke she saw was smiling and content and it surprised her how naturally this future Luke seemed to fit into the role of a father. She chided herself for never seriously considering the possibility that he would want children.
Strangely, as her certainty about Luke grew, so did an unusual edginess that she couldn't explain. There was a constant sense that she was about to miss something. She woke earlier, arrived first to meetings and prepared for events at the inn that were weeks away. It was difficult to sit still and relax, so in the quiet evenings that Luke worked late she cleaned closets, sorted clothing and filed months worth of papers and bills.
If Luke noticed her strange behavior, he didn't say anything. After about a week, Sookie cornered Lorelai in the kitchen of the inn. "What's going on?"
"Well I'm working on the plans for the Rittenboch's rehearsal dinner and then there's that tea for the Society to Preserve Connecticut Wallflowers, no Wildflowers, yeah that's it."
"Lorelai, stop! This is what I'm talking about. You're in overdrive."
"I'm just doing my job."
"No, you're doing your job plus about 3 or 4 other people's jobs. If you keep it up, employees are going to start quitting out of sheer boredom. I don't get it. You're acting just like last summer, only without the scary Emily personality."
"I don't understand the problem with being productive."
"You're not yourself."
"You're crazy. It must be the pregnancy talking."
"You've been in before breakfast every day and early for every meeting this week."
"And that's so unusual?"
"Do you really have to ask that?" Sookie asked with a knowing look as Lorelai sighed and leaned back against the counter. "What's going on? Is everything okay with Luke?"
"Yeah, we're good. Really good."
"But?"
"No but. Everything's good. What makes you think this has anything to do with Luke?
"He asked about you. He's concerned too."
"Why didn't he say anything to me?"
"He might be freaked out by your organized closets and sparkling house." Lorelai glared at Sookie for a moment, then let out a breath as she realized the full extent of her recent behavior. "Did something happen between you two recently?"
"No…well we did have that talk last week, the night we played Life."
"Wait a second, you played Life?"
"Yeah."
"Isn't that the game where you get married, buy a house, have kids and drive around a little car with pink and blue pegs in it? She looked up to see Lorelai nodding, with a slight smile on her face, "I'm trying really hard to picture Luke doing that and I'm coming up blank. How did you convince him to play that game? Is there a dirty version that I don't know about? Ooh, very disturbing visual image just then."
"Sookie!"
"Oh okay, images erased."
"Good, keep them that way. If you ever tell Luke-"
"That you told me about the dirty Life game?"
"It wasn't dirty. We just played it, and talked."
"So what did you talk about?"
Lorelai looked up at Sookie before glancing down and saying quietly, "Marriage…and kids."
"Oh my god, oh my god! This makes so much sense now. You're scared and you're freaking out. Lorelai, just because you are talking about it doesn't mean it has to happen now. It just means that eventually, when you are both ready-"
"But that's it, Sookie. I don't want it eventually, I want it now. I'm impatient to get started on our middle."
"Lorelai, does that mean…?"
"Is this crazy? We've only been back together for a month."
"You want to get married!" Sookie's eyes were wide and excited and she shrieked with delight.
"Umm…Yeah, I think so."
"Oh my god. I've got to start planning the menu, the cake, will the wedding be here...?"
"Down girl. I don't think we are there yet."
"You sound like you are there."
"But I'm not sure about Luke. Oh my god, Luke! He's going to think I'm freaking out about the marriage and kids stuff. He's going to think I don't want it, so he'll never ask."
"Well, if you're really worried about that, you could ask."
"What? No! What if he isn't ready? What if he says no?"
"Did you seriously just ask that question? We're talking about Luke here, right? Luke, who has been in love with you for eight years? He would not say no."
"Maybe, but that doesn't mean he's ready. I just wish I knew if he was ready."
To be continued.