I aplogize to whom ever wrote Kirk As A Red-Shirt, it was so sad! I just had to write my version! I am sooo sorry! Really! Anyway this has sort of a bad ending, but I think it is funny.
Kirk was not an ordinary red-shirt. He was just unlucky. He always lost at cards, sucked at charades, couldn't handle a phaser to save his life, and he was a push-over in hand-to-hand combat. So, yeah, he's screwed. Wanna bet? I've put five on the huge scary thing….darn! The cat raised me ten! Buster you know I can't compete with…Oh, wait this is a story right? Right.
U.S.S. Enterprise under command of Captain Boredom was making a smooth journey. . The orders from Starfleet were to investigate the new planet. It was class M, and sort of like a giant Amazon jungle. A perfect death trap for any red-shirt, or at least this was the general idea.
The landing party to explore this planet, so named Death Trap, was the normal lot. Three security officers, Tiger, James, and Kirk; this was very stupid of the author to name them. For in doing so she has signed their death warrant, but then again she is writing this cheap story. Then there was the captain, first officer, and chief of medical staff. The first officer, a kick-ass girl named … no wait, it was just Spock. Yawn, well wait that is what Captain Boredom says. Argh! This is so confusing! Okay, let's keep this simple, guess who the doctor is. Your momma or my cat, you choose. Like I care. Fine! Stop glaring, your right it is McCoy. Geese just having a little fun!
Well anyway the Captain left the ship in the 'capable,' yes clumsy, but 'capable' hands of the 'engineer,' Scotty. Ha! I wasn't messing with you that time! Wait a second…
Besides, that the beam down went okay. It took a long time though; Captain Boredom was on the pad when he started giving a lecture about the safety of transporters. After the first two hours the red shirts fell asleep and as their bodies fell limp to the floor, they pulled on the lever. Unfortunately Captain Boredom was off the pad when the others dissolved, so he was beamed down separate. Being imbeciles the red-shirts had separated him from the landing party.
Eh, it wasn't really a problem. They were about ten feet away, and re-grouped quickly. Of course, then the captain decided to split up. His mind was a bit joggled so he let the tree red-shirts wander off on their on with phasers. Stupid, stupid, stupid…
DEAR GOD THIS CAN'T BE! Well I just typed it so there. Good point.
Tiger and Jim were major scared-y cats—and wait aren't all red-shirts? Whatever, the two made Kirk lead is my point. I have a point now? No. Argh! Being in front, Kirk had to be brave and strong! To bad; he wasn't. To make things go smoothly the guys played the 'Describe The Hot Girl With Vivid Imaginary, like the Power Puff Girls…' game. What can I say? I already stated they are imbeciles.
As they talked a number of twigs ripped at Kirk's shirt. It ripped in many places. His friends looked him over and laughed, making jokes all the while. Suddenly something from the trees jumped in front if them.
Kirk pulled out his phaser.
It was fuzzy and cute.
His hand was on the trigger.
It was a squirrel.
The phaser was backwards.
Kirk disintegrated his shirt. That is fine with me though. What do you think girls? Darn it, I'm drooling on the cat!
Before any of the others could comment, he glared at them to shut up. They did.
Meanwhile the captain had been yawing and walked into a spear, thereby impaling himself. He told Spock he could make it. Then McCoy stubbed his toe and they agreed to get medical help on the ship A.S.A.P.. This though meant leaving the red-shirts behind. Would it be moral? Ah, screw it.
Back on the ship all scanners were on to try and find the forgotten three red-shirts from ten hours ago when half the team had beamed back.
What was happening? Let's see!
"I told you to ask directions!"
"From who? Besides I said to take a right, but you keep turning right!"
"I feel so comftroble without a shirt."
The red-shirts kept having this argument. It was the same one. Infact it was at this point James and Tiger turned to Kirk and said:
"SHUT UP!"
Then they would turn left. But this time in spite, all three went right! Right into the clearing were the big nasty thing awaited them.
It was like a white bunny from Monty Python and the Holy Grail and a psychotic Chihuahua. Made of strawberry/ blueberry/ drag queen jelly, too. Plus it was in a bad mood, it was really hungry.
Who should I eat, it thought, I resent that. I am not an 'it.' my name is Christine. Anyway, guy with no shirt, or red-shirt, or a red-shirt. Guy with no shirt or red-shirt…
Jim, Tiger, and Kirk stood in front of her in full terror.
I am male excuse you, now I am still hungry! Guy with no shirt or red-shirt… Gee, what was it you told me? Don't eat…
That's our secret contract! You tell no one else or else! DOOM!
Riiight, don't eat red, it is bad for your system okay?
Yeah that works.
The creature made up his mind, and slowly advanced…
All three screamed like little girls. The squirrel shook its head at them. Each paw made a small earthquake as hit the ground while advancing.
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Finally, back on the ship, after twelve grueling hours of parties, with five minutes of sensor sweeps, the rest of the landing party was beamed aboard. On the pad before Captain Boredom was the sole survivor of the mission. A red-shirt, but I guess you couldn't really say that… Kirk was in fettle position, sucking his thumb, rocking back and forth, singing lullabies, and he was still shirtless.
He described in terror the creature that had devoured his two best friends. Then sat up brightly when he realized he did not owe them any more! Yess!
Well another mission complete, and a security officer survivor!
Not bad, but now the Captain was working extra hard to kill of Red-shirt Kirk. Maybe… Oh, that would be cool!
(Kirk was saved due to his shirt ripping ability!WHOOT! WHOOT!)
Now is this the end?